Corner of Bourbon & Division

I can't think of anything to write about tonight, which is kind of a problem since I'm trying to maintain an updating streak. The days are sort of blurring together this week, which often happens when I start evening and night shifts.

Ministry & Counsel are driving me a little nuts this week. There has been a flurry of emails about the State of Society Report, which honestly should be finished by now but people from the Meeting keep goddamn nitpicking at it and I am ready to scream. There's also a lot of dithering about whether to extend the contract of the Resident Friend, who has come to the end of his three year contract. Everyone seems to be in favour of extending it, but typically contracts don't extend beyond three years, and the previous Resident Friend actually hired a lawyer to force the Meeting to extend her contract for a number of reasons I won't get into here so as to protect her privacy. It was super messy, and everyone is understandably a bit skittish about having a repeat performance, even though there is absolutely no indication that the current Resident Friend would do the same. It's not even up to Ministry & Counsel whether to extend the contract, we just make a recommendation one way or the other. Bah.

I have decided this year to pay someone to deal with the ocean of poop in my backyard after the winter season. I want to put in a couple of raised beds, but this will work better if the yard isn't covered in dog poop. Two Brittanies produce more poop than you'd imagine over a single winter season. Anyway, hopefully this will be the start of making the backyard look less like a muddy cesspool for the dogs to wallow in. I actually paid someone for the past two years to do a spring clean-up, and that company stopped offering the service in my area (it may be temporary but they can't give me a timeline of when they think they'll have someone in my area again), so I found another service with comparable prices. I'm actually pretty impressed that there are two companies that offer poop removal services in my city. Who knew?

I've ordered groceries for tomorrow, and I must say that ordering groceries has been a blessing. I was always reluctant to take advantage of delivery because it felt like cheating, somehow, but honestly not having to spend two hours a week on grocery shopping has changed my life. Two hours doesn't seem like all that much, but my God it drained all my energy like no one's business, and it would just wreck half a day (prepare the list, drive to the store, shop, drive home, unpack the groceries, collapse from lack of spoons). So, yeah, now I either do pick-ups during weeks when I'm working regular day shifts, or delivery when I'm working evenings, nights, and weekends. I'm trying to view it as an accommodation and not feel too guilty about it. I also make a point of tipping as well as I can (the website has a limit on how much you can tip the delivery person, alas).

Tomorrow I have therapy in the morning, and then my last evening shift starting at 3pm. KK had an appointment with the registered dietician from the bariatric clinic today, and it looks like I'm going to have to work a little harder to get more protein and nutrition into our everyday food. I've been looking at one of the bariatric cookbooks I got when she first told me she was going to get the surgery, and much as I feared, a lot of that food is quite simply stuff she won't eat. So much of it is tomato-based, or involves tofu or mushrooms or beans or coconut. Most of the recipes sound delicious to me, but I will have to make some serious modifications or maybe just take inspiration from them rather than following them exactly. I've had some success in the past from substituting some ingredients in recipes, so hopefully we'll be able to find something that works.

I'm planning to incorporate increasingly bariatric-friendly recipes in our meals, so that KK will have a chance to get used to them and it won't be a huge change all at once, once she's past the point of the liquid food/puréed food part of the post-surgical diet. It will be good for me to get used to it as well, but I'm much more of an omnivore than she is. When I was talking to the dietitian on Tuesday I kind of had to rack my brain when she asked me if there were foods I didn't like at all. There are definitely some: I don't really care for olives, sardines, and liver, among other things. I don't think there's anything I absolutely won't eat. I'm not a huge fan of slimy textures, either, like undercooked eggs (undercooked whites are the wooooorst), but overall I can choke down almost anything out of politeness if I have to, it's just a matter of foods I won't seek out. Feeding KK stuff she will actually eat is going to be a hell of a challenge once I can't smother everything in cheese anymore. ;)

Interestingly, I found out today that KK is not as far along in the process as I thought. I'm supposed to talk to the behaviourist and then do the Pre-Surgery 2 course, and she told me today that she hasn't been to Pre-Surgery 2 either, whereas I thought she had already finished that stage. It's true that she's a lot more complex a case than me both from the standpoint of her physical health and her mental health, and so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that she's had to have several extra appointments with the dietitian, psychiatrist, and behaviourist, on top of having to undergo that course of antibiotics to get rid of the h. pylori infection she was rocking last year. She started the process in early-ish 2024, so at the rate we're going I may get ahead of her on "the path" as they like to call it.

The only thing I want to avoid is having both of us in surgical recovery at the same time. It will be bad enough when I go through the surgery, because she won't be able to help me at all (and I am rather concerned about the weight restrictions for lifting/pulling/pushing because she won't be able to help with groceries or anything else), so having her be incapacitated after surgery with me unable to help her in any way is a recipe for disaster. I have to make sure I'm as functional as possible for the most amount of time possible. It's possible that once she starts losing a substantial amount of weight she might be able to do more around the house, but I'm not banking on it. I don't think it's a realistic expectation at this point.

Anyway, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

This weekend I'll be home for the most part, so hopefully I'll have the chance to get stuff done. Seed starting, cleaning, and a bunch of cooking and meal prep for next week.

I have had a headache for something like three days. It's not bad enough to be a full-on migraine, but it insists on lingering in spite of my best efforts to get rid of it. I have no idea what's causing it, unless something's been going wonky with the barometric pressure. I suppose it might also be because I'm no longer doing my acetaminophen/ibuprofen combo that tends to nuke most of my migraines if I catch them quickly enough. So far I'm doing okay without NSAIDs, but I am a little worried about what will happen if I throw out my back. Usually even the strongest OTC NSAIDs barely takes the edge off, so the idea of only being allowed acetaminophen to deal with that is a bit daunting. Still, no sense in borrowing trouble. I've managed a month almost to the day with only Tylenol, and so far I'm doing okay.

( Bariatric clinic stuff under the cut )

Anyway, enough about that for now. I am going to go pop some more Tylenol in the vain hopes that this stupid headache will go away. My coworker has offered to pick up Indian food tomorrow, so I am going to peruse the menu as well. KK doesn't like Indian food so I am very excited whenever I get to have some outside the house.

So, yeah, I really should found that company called "Good Intentions Asphalt and Cement."

I keep telling myself I should update more, and then more life stuff happens, and then I get overwhelmed with how much I'd have to write to get everyone up to speed, and so I just... don't post. Not my most shining moments, let me tell you.

( Cut because of triggers for mental illness and weight/body image issues )

Did I tell you my plans of taking dog training courses and eventually opening up my own business? I think I did. Anyway, the first semester is over, and the theory is going really well. The practice? Not so much. We're observing one of the puppy classes (which is going fine), and then doing basic obedience with our own dogs, following the new curriculum. The problem is that poor Sergent's anxiety levels go through the roof when he's in that class. First he has to sit or lie quietly for an hour during the puppy class behind a board so the puppies can't see him, and that stresses him out (because he can hear the high-energy puppies and can't see them and isn't free to move around). By the time obedience class comes around he's a nervous wreck. On several occasions he nearly pulled my shoulder out of its socket trying to get to the exit, poor thing. Of course, when he's that stressed he can't learn, and having him learn is a big part of how I'm being evaluated. So I have no idea if I'm going to pass this class or not. I also need to take Sergent to the vet, because I think the anxiety is making him chew his paws and his side, but I want to make sure it's just that and not a sign of something worse.

If I do pass, I've decided to skip the spring semester and do the fall semester instead. I've found it extremely punishing on my body and my schedule to do these classes, and I could use the break until September. Not to mention the finances. These classes are extremely expensive. In the meantime, I'm going to educate myself on how to start up my own business, and see if it's something I can realistically do.

Anyway, I have to jet to work. See you on the flip side!

There's a girl on my shift at work, with whom I get along quite well. I get along with everyone on my shift, actually. (Can we see the "but" coming a mile away? I know I can.)


WARNING: I'm not cutting this post. It contains a rant about weight, weight-loss, and generally triggery weight-related things. Caveat emptor.



She's applying to be an RCMP officer. This is great, and we're all very happy for her. She's been training very very hard and watching what she eats and studying like mad so she'll pass the entrance examination and the very grueling physical part of the application process.

Tonight one of the night-shift girls brought in a bag of two-bite brownies, and offered them around. RCMP girl, paying attention to her diet/whatever, declined. Her physical is next Thursday, so no one batted an eye. I, on the other hand, am fond of two-bite brownies, and had one. Her reaction?

"Oh my God, Daphné! Do you know how many calories that's got? Don't eat that!"

I ate the brownie. (For the record, I checked the label, it has 180 calories in it) For whatever reason, she's been harping at me all week about what I eat.

"Another frozen dinner, Daphné? Don't you know those things are bad for you? I gained twelve pounds eating those!"

"You shouldn't eat those yogurts. You should eat the fat-free ones with low sugar!"

Etc.


The thing is, she doesn't do this with anyone else in the office. I think that, like many well-meaning health nuts, she has decided that Something Must Be Done about the fact that I'm fat. I think that, somewhere in her head, she has decided that I must somehow not know that I'm fat, and that I must be helped to see the light. I also think she has a slightly skewed vision of what being fat is. She is about 5'5" and probably in the neighbourhood of 140lbs, but she describes herself as "big." She's in excellent physical condition and in pretty good health, apart from some back problems, but she's obsessing about losing an extra five pounds. She works out five days a week at her gym, for two to three hours at a stretch.


You know what? I am not blind, nor am I stupid. I own a mirror, and I know what size I buy when I go clothes shopping. It is not news to me that I am fat. I have known this ever since I started being fat sixteen years ago. Since adolescence, I have never not been fat. I was a skinny kid, a fat teenager, and now I'm a fat adult.

What I don't need is for some skinny chick who knows nothing about me or my life to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing (or eating!) based solely on the way I look. What's worse is that she appears to be contagious, since another of the night shift girls is now asking me every day if I've been to the gym or not (she, too, not entirely coincidentally, is trying out for the RCMP).

ARGH!

It has taken me a good ten years to get to the point where I am comfortable with who I am. I spent years and years and years feeling awkward and ugly, and listening to whispers and sniggers and outright jeers and insults, not to mention the kindly-meant but patronizing advice which was sometimes not-so-kindly-meant from thin people who thought they were superior just because they were thin. I am at a point now where I can look in the mirror and not see an ugly fat girl, but where I see myself, with all my good points as well as my flaws. I still have days when I'm more insecure than others, but on the whole I like who I am and how I look.

I have had enough of being patronized by people who think they know me better than I know myself. Here are a couple of phrases for which I wish I had a nickel for every time someone said them to me:

"You'd be so pretty if only you lost all that weight!"

"You'd feel so much better/healthier if you lost weight!"

"All it takes is a little willpower. If you want it enough, you can lose weight."

"Oh, looks don't really matter, as long as you have a great personality!"

(For the record, I have a lousy personality. I'm sarcastic and nasty, and I kick and I bite. So there. :P)



Now that I've got this out of my system, I feel the need to add a disclaimer. I do NOT dislike thin people. I like people of all sizes. What I dislike is people who presume to know what's best for me based simply on my looks.

I long ago got out of the habit of retorting "you're too skinny" to people, regardless of whether or not it might be true. I understand that skinny people have just as many problems as fat people, although I highly doubt that they face the same degree of everyday prejudice that fat people do. The worst that will come out of my mouth these days to an overly thin friend will be along the lines of "You look like you've lost some weight. Is everything ok?"

By the same token, I am NOT advocating being fat. I am not advocating ANY type of weight or body type. For the love of God, is it that hard to just let people be healthy on their own terms?


Gah.