mousme: A turquoise twenty-sided die that has landed on "1." The caption reads: "Shit." (Natural One)
I am taking solace in a quote from Charles Darwin's diary:  'But I am very poorly today & very stupid & I hate everybody & everything. One lives only to make blunders.'

So even brilliant naturalists were prone to having horrible depression days. I'm not actually depressed, I don't think, or at least not as badly as I remember it being back when I was actually depressed (a quarter of a century ago now, wow!). Or maybe I am situationally depressed as opposed to chemically imbalanced depressed, and maybe that feels different? I don't know.

Anyway, I am being a major bummer to be around for everyone, including myself. If I could get away with it, I'd hide in my bedroom in my bed for the next six months or so until the universe decides to turn things around. Unfortunately, I still have to interact with the world. 

On that note, I have to get back to work. Catch you on the flip side, friends!
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)

I was going to make a joke about making a sacrifice (or perhaps an offering) to the god(s) of wakefulness, but it turns out that there are only gods of sleep and dreaming and they just happen to also have wakefulness as part of their domain or sphere of influence.  Either way, I made choices yesterday that resulted in my getting to sleep a lot later than my good intentions. I don't think these fall into the category of poor life choices, though.

I had some errands that I had to run, specifically to pick up more quail feed (I had thought I had enough to last until the weekend, but my calculation was off by a couple of days) and more toothpaste for the dogs. Yes, I do brush the dogs' teeth every day. Honestly, if I could manage it, I'd brush the cats' teeth too, and that would have spared me the nearly $3,000 vet bill from a couple of weeks ago, but the cats do NOT take kindly to having their mouths messed with. The dogs are wriggly about it, but otherwise they let me brush their teeth without too much fuss. Anyway, we always have a backup tube of toothpaste, but of course the backup tube is packed in a box somewhere, so I had to buy another one. I suppose we could have let the dogs go for a week either without brushing at all or just brushing without toothpaste (I am quite sure KK doesn't brush their teeth when I'm not home in the evenings because I'm at work), but it wasn't that much of a hardship to detour for 15 minutes to go pick some up at one of the local pet stores.

I got home at 6:30pm and allowed KK to persuade me to watch TV with her, although I probably should have taken that time to do something useful. I put the dogs to bed just after 8pm, then went to the basement to put the quail to bed and put away the quail feed into 5-gallon buckets. Fun facts I have discovered: 1) 1 bag of quail feed fits almost perfectly into 3 5-gallon buckets; 2) 6 quail will go through one bag of feed in about 9 weeks (I forget how much the bag weighs, but I think it's 25kg), which means each bird goes through about 600 grams of feed a day, which is 3 times their average body weight; 3) quail feed is dusty AF.

Since I was now coated in quail feed dust, taking a shower seemed like a non-negotiable, so that's what I did.

As an aside, hot showers are pretty glorious things, and honestly having continuous access to fresh running water on demand at temperatures I can regulate according to my whims is going to be one of the things I miss the most if society collapses (even partially) and the grid no longer supports us. There's a lot of stuff we take for granted in our modern society that is kind of hanging by a thread these days, not least of which is clean, potable water and pretty excellent waste management. I'm moving to a place which doesn't have access to a municipal sewage system, but it still has a septic holding tank (not a full septic system with a septic field, interestingly enough) which requires regular emptying by a company that knows what it's doing when it comes to disposing of waste in a safe and sanitary fashion. We eliminated so many illnesses and premature deaths just by figuring out how to dispose of human excrement that I don't think many of us (myself included, if I'm perfectly honest) truly understand how bad things will get once we no longer have access to good sanitation.

Anyway, all that aside, after my shower and general pre-bedtime ablutions, I ended up only getting to bed well after 10:30pm and fell asleep shortly after 11:00pm. Given that I was working the "early" 7am shift today, that made for a shorter night of sleep than I would have liked, but it was all for a good cause. As of next week, since we'll be living much further away, I am going to have to become much more regimented about going to bed at a reasonable hour, because I'm going to need to leave on average 30 minutes earlier than I have been for the last year or so. I'm probably going to have to forgo watching TV with KK in the evenings. That seems like the best way to save a couple of hours in which to get things done. I didn't sit down and watch TV per se before she moved in: often I'll have a TV show or a podcast on kind of in the background as I move around and do things like chores.

I find it weirdly hard to do any kind of chores when KK is in the house, which unfortunately is 99% of the time these days (or else it's during work hours, when I can't do chores anyway because I'm either working or physically at my office). This is entirely a me problem, a weird hangup that I have about getting stuff done where I can be Perceived(TM), especially when she's just sitting and watching TV or playing on her phone or her tablet (or all three at once, as is often the case, which boggles even my ADHD mind). I don't know what it is, exactly, but I just feel weird about cleaning up around her, partly because it kind of feels like I am cleaning up AT her, which is not my intention (although maybe I am subconsciously doing that? It's possible.). Anyway, I am probably overthinking this.

My shift is nearly over, thank goodness, because today has been nothing but a long list of frustrations because of our automated SOPs. When they work, they are great. However, today a supervisor decided to take them offline without warning (our manager gave the instructions but apparently it wasn't meant to happen until next week), and I lost all of the work I had done on a rather complicated file, which was just maddening. And then I went around in circles with said supervisor about it for a while, and finally had to start my file over from scratch using an older version.

Whoops, shit is hitting the fan. I will leave this here for now. Catch you on the flip side, friends!

mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
 It's been long enough (nearly four weeks) since I worked the AvSec Desk at my job, and I forgot how busy it can get. There's a lull right now, but even though everything else has been pretty quiet, I have basically been going steady since I got in at 08:00. It does have the advantage of making the time go by much faster.

I drove in with KK this morning since we're both in-office today. She had originally wanted to park near her office because the parking is cheaper there, but she got up late and therefore asked that I drive and drop her off and park at my office (conveniently making me pay for parking). It makes more sense to carpool on days when we're both in-office, but she tends to pull these last-minute bait-and-switches on me, and so I think from here on out I'll be making my own way to the office on those days anyway, especially now that we aren't paying for a monthly parking pass anymore. We had one before she got her medical exemption from the three days a week in-office, but now that she only has to go in two days a week or less, and I have only nine to ten in-office days every two months, it's not worth the monthly cost.

I have been a lot less patient with KK lately, and I think it's because I've worn through a lot of my resilience in the past couple of months, between my parents being ill, my getting Covid, the stress of working a bunch of extra hours, all the last-minute legal and financial shenanigans about buying the house, packing up the house, and then having to pull an extra few thousand dollars out of my ass because the move had to be postponed. Each of these things I probably could have handled just fine, even two of them would probably have been stressful but fine, but all of it within a six-week period appears to have taken a toll. Objectively I understand that KK is unable to share the load equally, because she is more physically disabled than I am, and she also doesn't have much money due to having to pay down some considerable amounts of debt (she actually makes about $16k a year more than I do, but I am in much better financial shape than she is). On my good days, I totally get it and have no trouble with it. I knew this going in when she moved in four years ago, so this isn't a surprise or a deal-breaker. On my bad days, however, when I've come home to find that she's left more garbage in the sink for me to clean up instead of throwing it in the garbage can that is *literally right there* and then she makes some sort of snide comment about something I've done that she doesn't like, it takes all my self-control not to snap at her. 

Anyway, I think my first order of business will be to go to bed as early as possible tonight in an attempt to be better rested for the next couple of days. I'm working in-office and KK is working from home, which will spare us some of the logistical issues at least. I would also like to finish all of the packing by Sunday. I think it's all pretty doable, but I definitely need to be less of a zombie for all the dominoes to fall just right.

I think I'll leave it there for now. Work is so busy I may not have time to post before my shift is over otherwise. Catch you on the flip side, friends!
mousme: A picture of the muppet Forgetful Jones from Sesame Street (Forgetful Jones)
I don't understand how I can have spent all of today doing next to nothing during my work from home day and yet be absolutely fucking exhausted anyway. (This is a back-dated post, because I collapsed in an exhausted heap into my bed instead of updating) I spent most of the day cleaning out my long-neglected inbox. For the record, my job involves sorting through emails in a separate, shared inbox all day long, so I don't pay attention to my personal inbox most of the time except to quickly read through the new emails in case something important has cropped up. In the past I was more diligent about sorting through my emails and filing them away into various folders, but somewhere around last November I stopped doing that and just let them kind of pile up. I kept meaning to get around to cleaning everything up in there, but I never did, so yesterday I bit the bullet and spent several hours doing that.

There were just shy of 800 emails to sort through, so it took a while, and I am glad that I had a day without having to write SitReps or work on other projects so that I could concentrate on that. I got it down to just 3 emails and today it's down to two because I was able to "action" one of the items (I do hate that it has become a verb, even though in principle I agree that language is fluid and that we should not be prescriptivist about it). One of the emails is something I only want to do sometime next month at the earliest. I am being sent on a course to learn about railway operations, which is super cool, but because part of it will be on-site I am required to wear safety gear (specifically work gloves and steel-toed boots), which I have to purchase myself and then submit my receipts for reimbursement. These days I am hemorrhaging money thanks to the new house and the moving shenanigans, so having to spend another $200 on gear (even if I get reimbursed eventually) is not a prospect I particularly relish. Ugh.

I am probably paying for several late nights over the past few days. I haven't even been going to bed late for a "good" reason, I've just been messing around and putting off going to bed. That has resulted in my dragging myself a little through my days, and the minute I actually get into bed I can't keep my eyes open at all and am always at risk of dropping off to sleep over whatever I'm reading and not getting my CPAP mask on. I shudder to think what sort of condition I'd be in without the CPAP, given that I now know it's making a difference in the quality of my sleep, even if it hasn't resulted in noticeable improvements in energy levels. 

All right, that's it for now. Catch you on the flip side, friends!

mousme: A picture of Wol from Winnie the Pooh, holding a note that reads "Gon Out. Backson. Bizy. Backson." (Back Soon)
I really do not like being the SitRep writer at work. It's so much more work than just doing my regular job, and none of it can be done on "autopilot" the way a lot of my regular work can. I have one more day left of this role, and next week I can go back to my little routine and be left alone. Thank goodness.

I could complain more about moving, but I won't. :P

I am not usually a True Crime Girlie, as the youths call it these days, but last year I fell down a very specific rabbit hole in the form of the Karen Read murder case. It's being covered on YouTube by (well, by a million people approximately) a lawyer from Alberta that I started following for a completely unrelated reason, and the whole case is absolutely wild. Like, if it was written as a novel or as an episode of a police procedural you would dismiss it as being too unrealistic. I've had the videos on in the background rather like a podcast, and it has very much helped speed the days along lately. I have reached the end of the videos for now, but the trial is still going on, so I assume there will be more videos. I like the YouTuber I follow for several reasons, but most of all I love the name he picked for himself: Runkle of the Bailey. His actual name is Ian Runkle, and of course it's a nod to Rumpole of the Bailey, which was a favourite of mine when I was growing up. I think he leans far more conservative than I do, but I appreciate his legal analysis and breakdown of what's been going on in the trial.

It is weird to be following a "true crime" case. I was more interested in these things when I was in my late teens and early twenties, but I have grown to mostly find consuming these stories to be distasteful and weirdly prurient. I think it's because this case isn't so much about the horrible thing that happened to the victim, but rather the elaborate "conspiracy" and the extraordinary incompetence and corruption of the police force(s) involved in the case. We are likely never going to know what happened, because the facts have been so thoroughly obfuscated, but on that basis alone it seems to me that the accused, Karen Read, should be acquitted simply due to lack of proof beyond a reasonable doubt. I have my own idea of what may have plausibly happened, but I am watching from Canada and the incident took place in Massachusetts in 2022, so my idea is basically fiction carefully woven around what few "facts" I have picked up from watching YouTube videos, so it is worth precisely nothing. I just like making up stories to help the world make sense, and I have no illusion that I have any great insight into what "really" happened. The only thing I know for sure is that it is a tragedy that has left two kids twice orphaned, and has ruined the life of a young woman who is already struggling with several chronic health conditions. Everything about this case is terrible.

So, yeah, that's been my mental escape for the past few days. I will have to find something else to keep me distracted until new videos get uploaded. 

As of tomorrow after work I will be on my own for the foreseeable future, since KK will be going to pick up H at the airport, and I assume they'll be going directly to H's hotel after that, leaving me alone with the dogs. I am planning to take advantage of her absence to get as much shit done as I can. I actually find it difficult to get chores done when KK is home, because I always feel as though I'm bothering her or in her way or both. With her gone I will hopefully be able to get a bunch more packing done, and I might also bring the dogs to the dog park after work so they can get some of the crazies out.

If I buckle down hard I might be able to get my bedroom completely packed except for the stuff I immediately need for the next two-ish weeks, which will free me up to pack up the basement and the cat room over the weekend. I have rented another U-Haul van (I wanted to rent a pick-up truck, but apparently they don't have those anymore in Ottawa) so that I can take a bunch of stuff to the local dump on Saturday. KK had agreed to help me with this, but I get the feeling she won't be early enough on Saturday to really help with anything. Still, it will be good to get all this garbage out of the house. I have reserved the van for six hours starting at 07:00, and I think that should be plenty of time to get everything loaded up and brought to the dump. That will clear out enough space for me to keep packing without tripping over even more stuff.

In other news, it looks like I may run out of feed for the quail before we move, which is really unfortunate. I really didn't want to have to schlep a large quantity of feed with me the whole way when we finally do move. It's very heavy and therefore very inconvenient. Alas.

Okay. Time for bed.
mousme: A turquoise twenty-sided die that has landed on "1." The caption reads: "Shit." (Natural One)
I am having a bit of a Woe Is Me kind of day (or possibly week, or month), because it feels a little like death by a thousand paper cuts. Or corrugated cardboard cuts, maybe (yes, I have cut myself with corrugated cardboard in the past--it sucked).

The lawyer called me and told me they forgot to bill me for the Title Insurance, so I had to e-transfer them another $415.16. *sigh*

At work the workstation I was assigned had been reset, and so I spent much longer than I wanted to setting up all my accounts all over again, and then Outlook spent the entire day being an absolute pile of shit that refused to update. The only way I could get new emails was to close the application and re-open it, so in order not to miss any crucial updates on the wildfires I had to do that every ten minutes. It was extraordinarily annoying.

I drove to work with KK this morning, since she also had a later start to her day, and we drove home together and stopped by Canadian Tire so I could pick up a small box of kitchen garbage bags and compost bags, since ours are packed away in an unfindable box. *sob* I made another small grocery order which will hopefully see us through to next week, and we tentatively talked about weekend plans.

KK's friend H is coming by this weekend for a visit from Alberta. This has been planned for many months, and originally we were going to be reasonably settled in the new house, so it wasn't as big of a deal. Since we're now not remotely settled, I was hoping to get some help with packing up what's left of the house, but now that's not looking promising. KK and H are going on Sunday to a place called Parc Omega, which is a wildlife preserve/safari park in Québec, about an hour's drive away from here, and although I was originally meant to go with them, it's obvious that if I don't spend the weekend packing the house, we will never be ready in time, so they've given my ticket to a friend instead.

KK has informed me that she has decided to stay in H's hotel room because we don't have air conditioning in our bedrooms and it's too hot for her to sleep here. She says that H has volunteered to help us pack on Saturday, but I am not going to count on them for that, to be honest, because at this point KK's track record speaks for itself. I assume she and H will be sleeping in, so at least half the day will be gone, and then KK has promised to show H the new house, so that's several more hours that will be taken up in the afternoon and maybe the evening. So I think it's a fairly safe bet to say that I will, in fact, be packing up the house on my own. I can only hope that at some point in the next two weeks KK will actually pack up her own room and bathroom, but I am not her mother and I will not be nagging her about it.

I am starting to wonder if KK is secretly resenting me these days. Today I discovered that when she packed away the contents of one of the freezers into the freezing cooler for easier transportation, she didn't check to see whether it was properly plugged in/powered up, so all of the contents melted, mostly meat that I had packaged earlier as well as several packages of stuffed pasta (tortellini, ravioli, etc.). Naturally it was all mush and had to be thrown away, and that was several hundred dollars' worth of food that got wasted right there for no good reason. I also had to clean out the whole thing and disinfect it, because the meat had leaked blood that had pooled in a big puddle of grossness at the bottom of the cooler. KK is usually so careful about things that I'm having trouble seeing how this wasn't at least partly deliberate, or at least some form of weaponized incompetence. It's like everything she does lately is calculated to cost me as much money as possible, or force me to clean up her messes, or both. I probably should have checked the cooler myself to make sure it was properly plugged in, but it never occurred to me that I couldn't trust her to check it herself. She did say "sorry," but that was it, and I won't lie, I was at least hoping she'd help with the cleanup, but no. I had to do all of it by myself.

Anyway, I am frustrated and having a bit of a pity party. I will likely get over it in a day or two, because it's a very ugly side of my personality that I don't like at all. 

It's time to call it a night and go to bed. I have another in-office day tomorrow, and since KK is working from home and I don't want to pay exorbitant parking fees, I'm going to take public transit to work, which means I need to get up early enough to get the bus. 

Catch you on the flip side, friends!
mousme: A text icon in pale blue that reads Winter is Coming (Winter is Coming)

You’re getting a symbolic post from my phone, because I’m up to my eyeballs in packing and I will never get it done in time. 


The good news is that there is electricity and internet at the new place, so I will be able to provide an update tomorrow, although it will likely also be very short because I assume I will be absolutely wrecked by then.

Catch you on the flip side, friends!

mousme: Two open books, one lying on top of the other at an angle (Books)
I am at work all day for 12 hours, and I can do absolutely nothing about the packing or the bank or the sellers' inability to provide documentation in a timely manner. So, rather than angst about it, I am distracting myself during the down times at work by watching The Handmaid's Tale. 

I started watching it when it first aired in 2017, because I read the book well over 20 years ago (sometime in 2003, if memory serves), and while at the time I hadn't developed as many critical thinking skills and also lacked a lot of the historical knowledge of the real-life atrocities that informed Atwood when she wrote it, I still remember thinking how eerily plausible it all was. 

Anyway, I'm just starting Season 3, and I think the narrative is trying to make me feel sorry for Serena, because she's just as trapped as the other women, or something like that. Certainly June/Offred seems to vacillate between hatred and sympathy, including a heavy-handed moment of symbolism in which she literally extends a hand to pull Serena out of a house fire.
 
I'm having trouble agreeing with the narrative on this. Serena is not just getting her face eaten by leopards after voting them in. She literally helped to create the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party. She was one of the architects of the movement. She wanted this for everyone else, she actively campaigned for all women to be oppressed, and thought she would somehow be magically immune. We're given a bit of backstory on Serena, about her inability to have children (brought on because she was publicly campaigning to end women's rights), her work with her husband, and that's meant to humanize her. It does, to an extent, but my sympathy for her is still very limited.

I don't know that she's deserving of our sympathy for suffering the consequences of her actions. However, since the show appears to be setting her up for a redemption arc, I am intrigued to see how they are going to proceed with it. I think that a redemption arc could be really interesting if it's handled with delicacy and acknowledges all the harm she's caused. I don't think Serena can be redeemed without her deliberately undertaking to repair the harm she's caused, while being cognizant that there are some harms that simply cannot be repaired or ever properly atoned for. 

I also have lots of thoughts on June/Offred, and they basically boil down to her being a complicated, often unlikable character. She's a really interesting protagonist who makes shitty choices for often questionable reasons. She bucks against the system but still uses her limited privileges within it. She's quick to use other people for her own gains, doesn't necessarily think about the consequences of her actions for others, but she's also brave and willing to fight for other people when she sees the need for it. She can be empathetic and insightful when she's not being oblivious.
 
What I find most interesting about her is that her past is a cautionary tale. She exemplifies most of us (and by "us" I mean cis white women like me), living her little life and paying so little attention to what's going on around her that the new laws that take away her freedoms catch her unawares. (Why the show portrays Moira the same way perplexes me--perhaps there just weren't any WOC writers in the room.)
 
June lived blinded by privilege, including ignoring many of her 2nd generation feminist mother's warnings. Her mother is problematic in her own way (see: 2nd generation feminist), but makes many valid points about June ignoring or throwing away the work of previous women, and the inherent danger of that. Most of this is implied in their dialogue, rather than explicit, but it's still there. June leaves it all behind because she resents her mother for "abandoning" her in favour of her "work." To be fair, her mother is very much lacking in the nurturing department, so it's not unnatural for June to mistakenly equate being a feminist with being a bad mother. Where June goes wrong is never bothering once in her life to stop and question her deeply held beliefs (honestly, girl, therapy would have helped!). Her knee-jerk reaction to pull away from everything associated with her mother leads her to ignore what's going on in politics, and it costs her everything.
 
I'm not saying she could have stopped what happened, but she might have been less blindsided had she been paying even a little bit of attention. Of course, that would have made a much less dramatic narrative for the TV show. I suppose I am thinking about this more deeply right now than I ever would have in the past, because the parallels with what is happening today are stark and pretty obvious. This is not reality imitating fiction, of course. This is reality repeating reality that was portrayed in fiction to make a point. Margaret Atwood is a towering literary figure for a reason, and her depictions of dystopias are always chillingly on point. 

There are lots of themes and through lines that are worth exploring that I haven't fully thought through yet. There's the ritualized subjugation and infantilization of women, learned and acquired helplessness. There are themes of collaboration, what is means to be complicit in your own oppression (complying in advance, complying after the fact in order to survive, and exploiting the system for one's own gain on both small and large scales). There are themes of secrecy and lies, betrayal and loyalty, and what they all mean when living under an oppressive regime. There's also a lot to examine about the rules of society--who is allowed to break them and who isn't.

I do really like the writing when it comes to the characters and the plot taking place in the present time of the show. If I had unlimited time and brain bandwidth I'd want to do deeper dives into many of the characters, mostly the women but also some of the men: Serena, June/Offred, Emily/Ofglenn, Janine/Ofwarren, Fred Waterford, Joseph Lawrence, Aunt Lydia, and plenty of others.

Where I start having trouble is the world building. Atwood's novel is written in the epistolary style, strictly from the point of view of Offred, who is given no other name in the book, and encapsulates a very limited moment in time--the duration of her stay with the Waterfords (I don't remember if that's what they're called in the book). There is an metafictional epilogue which reveals the whole novel into a conceit that we are observing historical documents, a primary source no less, of a historical period that has come and gone. Gilead has been gone for 200 years, we are told, and very few records remain of its existence.

The show necessarily has to deviate from that after the first season, which follows the novel reasonably closely if my memory serves (which, honestly, it does not serve well these days, so I could be mistaken). The show therefore has to start doing its own world building, and honestly Gilead doesn't hold up particularly well under too close scrutiny. Here's a list of my issues, in no particular order:

- The economy. How the fuck does anything work if suddenly 55% of the working population doesn't work anymore? At higher levels, the loss of institutional knowledge would be pretty devastating, and at lower levels the loss of personnel would be even worse. Women have always been part of the workforce, even when inequality was at its worst. They've been labourers, factory workers, secretaries, assistants, and with increasing equality they have occupied every single rank and position in society. You can't declare all of that illegal overnight and not create a huge, chaotic vacuum. That's never addressed in the show.

- The rules governing women. We are apparently meant to believe that society transitioned pretty quickly and smoothly into one in which women are not allowed to work, not allowed to have their own money or bank accounts, aren't allowed to read, and are rounded up and put into re-education centres according to whichever "class" they've been assigned to (Wife, Handmaid, Martha, Aunt, Econowife). We see some protests initially which are violently put down (armed men gunning down protesters with automatic weapons), and then we just never see anything else from that time period. There is no mention of how these centres were initially set up, nor whose buy-in was required for that. The Aunts run the centres, we are given to understand, but who trained them in the first place? To get a system that regimented takes a lot of time and a lot of practice, and getting all of the centres across Gilead to adhere to the same SOPs must be an administrative nightmare.

- Societal structures and systems. At one point in Season 2 Commander Waterford yells at his wife to call 9-1-1, and that made me wonder who the fuck is still staffing all these institutions, and how they're still running apparently smoothly after removing half the workforce. See my first point about the economy. I worked as a dispatcher and telecomms operator for nearly two decades, and more than half my coworkers were women. We were already short-staffed and stretched thin, and finding qualified candidates to work was time-consuming and incredibly lengthy. Multiply this across every police force across a nation, every other 24-hour centre you don't even know exists. The people in charge of Gilead have completely upended the order of things, have done away with most modern technology, but we're meant to believe that 911 still works? It stretches credulity, at the very least.

- Then there's the costuming. It was established in the book and preserved in the show, and visually it's extremely striking. However it makes no sense from any perspective other than "it looks really cool." Coordinating identical outfits for literally millions of women across an entire country? Come on. If it were local to one city I might be more inclined to believe it, but nation-wide? No. For one thing, there would have to be an extremely long transition period while they get all of the outfits designed and then produced. Also, who is physically making these outfits? We're meant to believe that Gilead has protectionist policies, so they're not outsourcing to another country like China, but in the former USA/now Gilead, the vast, vast majority of sewists would have been women, who are now not allowed to work. Are you telling me that they somehow trained up a bunch of willing men to do "women's work?" Or are we meant to believe that people in each household are expected to sew their own outfits? If so, why do they all look mass produced and not like some terrible homemade hodge-podge?

- The costuming has a secondary problem, which is that it provides the women with too much anonymity. This is demonstrated over and over and over in the show. June/Offred routinely is able to run around and disguise her movements simply by donning the uniform of a different class of woman: either a Wife or a Martha. Each uniform grants her a layer of protection, either through privilege or invisibility. And as June herself says toward the end of Season 1: "They should have never given us uniforms if they didn't want us to be an army." I am reasonably sure that at least one or two of the organizers of the movement would have thought of this. 

- Last but not least, a pet peeve of mine: everyone is constantly miserable. The thing is, this is absolutely contrary to human nature. Yes, under oppressive regimes there is always an undercurrent of fear and constant paranoia about who might be about to report you to the State. But humans aren't built to be somber 24/7: they will take every opportunity for celebrations, small and large. They make food and they hang out over cups of tea or get together for illicit parties. There is so little joy in The Handmaid's Tale, and the vast majority of group encounters are weirdly manufactured and ritualized. Like, where is the secret underground dance party like in Titanic? Why doesn't Offred ever sit and gossip over a cup of tea with Rita after so many months of living under the same roof, even if it's surface-level nonsense? 

 

:::ETA:::

I am back with more thoughts that I forgot about.

- What about the future? Particularly the future Handmaids. In the present, Handmaids are picked specifically because they successfully bore a living child in the past. What is the plan for the next generation of women? There's no telling which little girl will be able to bear children successfully, so what is the plan for them? Only two classes of women can potentially have children (unless you count some of the Jezebels), the Handmaids and the Econowives, should the latter be lucky enough to be fertile, and the Handmaids' babies are of course given to the Wives. Who in the next generation will be picked to be a Wife, a Handmaid, or a Martha? Or any class of woman, for that matter? The whole system falls apart within a generation, because what Wife would allow her daughter to become a Handmaid? Even a Martha would be an unthinkable fall in station. So that leaves only the children of the Econowives who'd have to be divvied up, and that seems unsustainable to me.
 

Anyway, thank you for putting up with all my Handmaid's Tale thinky thoughts. Maybe one day I'll get back to the other characters I mentioned, or some of the more interesting themes. We shall see.

Catch you on the flip side, friends!

mousme: The silhouettes from MST3K with the written caption Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay (Oscar Wilde)
You know, if all that was required of me to be successful in life was making plans, I would be acing this whole "being a successful human" thing. I love making plans, the more detailed, the better. The problem, of course, is that to actually succeed at things, you have to enact said plans, and that is where everything kind of falls apart for me.

KK kind of falls into the same category as me, and we are pretty terrible about enabling each other at making plans and then following through on maybe 10% of them. To be fair, it's a lot of fun to make plans, and I don't mind too much if all the low-stakes, castles-in-Spain plans don't come to fruition. It's actually really fun to talk about these things and throw ideas back and forth and build it up in our imaginations. I don't know if she is quite as aware as I am that our reach might exceed our grasp in a lot of cases, but I suspect she is.

I am also well aware of my propensity to make grand plans to completely turn my life around while I'm working night shifts (I talked about in in a previous post a few weeks ago, during another round of night shifts), and I have just come to accept it as one of my brain's quirky little ways of generating dopamine, so I just let it happen now and try not to convince myself that this time will totally be different, no, really! As long as I can accept that this is just an exercise in making my brain go *brrrt*, and that I have no expectations of actually doing anything about it, then it's a harmless little pastime during slower night shifts.

Right now I am trying to make sensible plans for packing up the house next week. Working 12-hour shifts this weekend means I won't get anything done, and there is no sense in deluding myself into thinking that I will somehow manage to do anything other than sleep and go to work. My current ambitious plan is to try to get a lot of packing done on Monday, when normally I'd spend a chunk of the day sleeping after my night shift. Don't get me wrong, I will still sleep when I get home, but it will be more of a two-hour power nap and then I'll aim to go to bed very early as a way of shifting over my sleep schedule as quickly as possible.

Tuesday through Thursday I've hired the professional organizer I had hired back in... March? I think? *checks calendar* Nope, first week of April. ANYWAY. I have hired her to come for six hours a day to help me pack up the garage and, if there's enough time, the basement. I am reasonably confident that I can pack up the upstairs on my own (minus KK's room and bathroom), and if I have friends able and willing to help pack the kitchen and dining room, that will also be really helpful. I might be able to do it on my own, but only time will tell.

So far most of the coworkers I have asked for a shift switch have said no, which is sad but not unexpected. I have two coworkers left who might be able to help me out. One is coming in for a shift today, and the other won't be in until Monday, so if the first one says no I'll just have to log into my email account from home to see if the second is willing to take one for the team. He very well might, since I agreed to swap weekends with him back in November so he could take his wife to go see Taylor Swift in Toronto, but it will of course be dependent on whether he has other commitments lined up already. Getting the weekend off to pack would be ideal, but if I can't get it, I will cope.

I have set one boundary with regards to the packing with KK, and that's that I expect her to pack up her own shit. I am by far the more able-bodied of the two of us, so I don't mind that I'm probably going to end up packing up most of the house on my own. I need her to still be physically functional by the time moving day arrives, so I'm perfectly willing to take that on. What I am not willing to take on, however, is packing up her office or her bedroom or her bathroom. Those three rooms are all on her, and I told her that many weeks ago. Like me, she hasn't started packing yet, but I don't plan on bailing her out at the last minute. Whatever she hasn't packed is just going to get left behind, and she can figure out how to get it delivered to the house. The chances of her not being ready in time are not super high, but they're also not zero, either. But I can't be responsible for myself, the whole house, the pets, AND her stuff. So she gets to be responsible for that.

Somewhere in the next ten days I am going to lose at least half a day to attend the closing for the house. I haven't heard from the lawyer, come to think of it, so I'll shoot them an email to make sure everything is still good on that front, or if they need more information from me or something. Great. Another thing to be paranoid about. Well, at least it should be a relatively easy fix, and it's 10 days before my official closing date (and more than one business week), so hopefully there's nothing to worry about. Anyway, I assume the closing will be done at the lawyer's office in Cornwall, so I'll have to drive out there and back, and even if it takes an hour or less to sign all the paperwork, it means at least a three hour trip, possibly longer.

I think it's still doable, God help me. I may just be deluding myself, but I am an incurable optimist when it comes to these things. I guess we'll find out!

All right, time to close out this night shift. I have a little over two hours left before I can go home and get some sleep. Catch you on the flip side, friends!

mousme: A text icon, dark green text on pale green, that reads There is no normal life. There's just life. (No Normal Life)
I have just enough energy to do an 8 hour shift at work, and not much else. I'm still pretty congested, and although I didn't bother testing today I'm quite sure it would come back positive if I did. I also sound like something crawled into my throat and died. I've had a few clients tell me so over the phone. Oops? I assured them the Government of Ontario has declared me perfectly healthy, and yet somehow they were still skeptical.

The oil splash over my right hand yesterday has turned into two very impressive looking blisters on my ring finger and knuckle. They're still a little painful, but nothing terrible. It mostly looks like I've developed a highly localized case of bubonic plague, although maybe not quite so dire. I wish there was a lesson to be learned from this about kitchen safety, but it was honestly a freak thing, and I was merely the victim of the laws of physics.

I got an amusing call from someone from Ministry & Counsel on my way to work, asking me to help him troubleshoot issues with his new laser printer of all things. Now, faithful readers will likely recall that I am not exactly a computer wizard, and indeed my coworkers have joked for years that I have a "computer curse," wherein computers will randomly malfunction around me in ways that don't make sense. Anyway, I explained that I was driving to work and generally not a computer person, and then I suggested Googling the problem because that's my go-to when first trying to troubleshoot computer issues. Now, this guy used to be a really savvy computer person, but he hasn't kept up with all the latest advances, so it wasn't like I was talking to a babe in arms. He thanked me and told me he'd try it before hitting up one of his techy friends. I am still baffled but also slightly honoured at the thought that I project enough competence that people now randomly call me to help with completely unrelated stuff! XD

In house news, I'm going to need to find some extra energy somewhere in order to start packing up the house properly. I've hired someone to come help pack in two weeks' time, the week before the move, but it's only for three days, and that won't be enough to get it all done. It should be a huge help, at least, to have one other able-bodied person there. In the meantime, I need to pack up as much of the rest of the house as I can.

I feel like the most boring person ever, because I have very little of substance to post about lately. Hopefully I will have something more interesting soon. Thanks for bearing with me, friends, and I will catch you on the flip side!
mousme: A text icon, dark green text on pale green, that reads There is no normal life. There's just life. (No Normal Life)
Today was spent in Quaker Meeting, napping, and teaching my mother to use Zoom now that Skype has been discontinued.  I got absolutely fuck-all done, and was absolutely wiped after all of yesterday's shenanigans. So I don't have much to update on today.

The only "big" thing that happened today was the discovery of quail-on-quail violence. When I went to check on them this morning, I found one of the boys with a very bloody head. It looked like he'd gotten beaten on by one or more of the other quail, and they pulled out his head feathers sometime during the night. At least one of the feather shafts must have bled quite a bit, poor thing. I have removed him from the enclosure and put him in a quarantine box with bedding, food, and water to recover.  The other quail don't seem too fussed or damaged for now, so we'll see how things go. I don't want to have to cull two of the males already, but I will if I have to. It's possible he was getting too rough with the ladies and they gave him a "correction" to get him to lay off them. At least they didn't peck out his eyes or do some other permanent damage. I thought they were doing pretty well, all things considered, but it's been less than a month, so I guess they're still sorting themselves out.

Poor tweedles. I feel bad for them, and I hope I can sort out their troubles before any of them get more injured. 

That's kind of it. Today was, of course, Star Wars Day, so KK spent most of the day with various Star Wars movies on in the background while I did absolutely nothing except sleep and talk to people on the computer. I have seen almost all of the movies, and I wasn't focused enough to just sit and watch through with her, but I caught bits and bobs here and there. I couldn't bring myself to sit through Rogue One again, not because I didn't like it, but because it broke my damned heart when I saw it in theatres and I just can't cope with losing all those beloved characters over again. Yes, I am a sap. Even watching Andor makes me a little sad, because I know where his story ends.

All right, I am off. May the Fourth be with you, friends!
mousme: A text icon in black text on yellow that reads The avalanche has started, it is too late for the pebbles to vote (Avalanche)
The consultation with the behaviourist went quite well today. Well, technically yesterday now. She told me that even though the clinic calls the position "behaviourist," most of them are actually social workers, which checks out. For one thing, I can see how that skillset would apply pretty well to determining whether or not a patient is adhering well to new guidelines, or how likely they are to change behaviours and stick to that in the future. For another, I can also see how many people might find it off-putting or even stigmatizing to have to talk to a social worker for this. After all, social workers are for foster kids and drug addicts! Obviously social workers have a much wider range of skills than that and engage in a wide variety of activities with people from all walks of life, but I assume that most people think that you have to be in some kind of trouble in order to have to engage with a social worker.

Anyway, we had a nice chat for an hour and a half all about me. The behaviourist was almost exactly my age (also born in '79 but at the end of the year) and had a very similar sense of humour to mine, so we had a pretty good time overall. She asked me a bunch of questions, most of which I'd already covered with the registered nurse and with the dietitian, but that's fine, I understand that they have to dot their t's and cross their i's, and make sure there aren't any significant discrepancies between my answers, among other things. We commiserated over night shift work, and agreed that "outsidey" is a great word for people like me who enjoy doing calm activities outside, because "outdoorsy" suggests someone who gets up at 4am in order to go hiking along the Appalachian trail for six weeks. She also had an adorable black and white cat named Hobbes, who is apparently an antisocial crank, and I love him.

Long story short, the behaviourist is very happy with all the changes I've already implemented (eliminating alcohol, caffeine, and NSAIDs, drinking flat water instead of fizzy water, incorporating more protein into my diet) and is overall satisfied that I am ready to move to the next step in the process, which is the Pre-Surgery 2 class. They are held every two weeks, but when I get to go will depend on whether the classes are already full in the next few weeks. Obviously I am hopeful that it will be sooner rather than later, because I hate waiting. I actually told the behaviourist that, and she laughed and wrote my quote verbatim in her notes.

After that, I passed out in my bed until 6pm. Theoretically that made for 7.5 hours of sleep, but my Fitbit informed me that it was closer to 6 hours, and I still felt like steamrollered shit afterward. Of course, now I know why that is. I wonder if, now that I know for sure I have sleep apnea, the fact that I still felt like garbage after sleeping might not have been partly due to the nocebo effect. I really hope not, because I have at least three to four weeks before I can get a CPAP machine. It will be two and a half weeks before I see the sleep specialist to discuss my results, and only after that will I be getting a prescription for a CPAP machine, supposing that's the treatment they decide to go with. I assume it will be, since I'm pretty sure it's considered the gold standard of treatment for severe obstructive sleep apnea. I know that there are lifestyle changes that get recommended (lose weight, stop smoking), but that's typically not enough if your case is severe enough, but I don't think my case is so severe that would warrant surgical intervention. I mean, it might be, what do I know? But my relentless googling has so far led me to this conclusion. Anyway, I am not looking forward to an extra month of shitty sleep, but I guess I've made it this far in life, wo what's another four weeks?

Later today I will be having my follow-up appointment with the naturopath. Now that I know how severe my obstructive sleep apnea is, I'm pretty sure that's the main cause of my brain fog and general stupidity, but I'm interested to see what she has to say on the topic. 

I haven't been talking much about politics here of late, and maybe I should, but sometimes the sheet idiocy/lunacy of it all feels a little much to bear. The latest debacle has been pretty spectacular to watch. Turns out several highly placed members of the Trump administration, including J.D. Vance and Pete Hegseth (the Secretary of Defense) created a fucking Signal chat in order to discuss their top secret war plans. A Signal chat. I CANNOT. Anyway, someone in that group chat (I think Hegseth but it's unclear to me if it was him or someone else) added the editor of The Atlantic to their group chat while they were texting about their plans to bomb Yemen, specifically the Houthi rebels. Apparently there were more emojis than I personally would feel comfortable with in a char about top secret war plans. /o\

*weeps in COMSEC and INFOSEC*

I worked for over ten years in a national security setting. We weren't allowed to wear smart watches where I worked, and had to lock them inside lead-lined boxes along with our cell phones before going to work. I can't begin to imagine the level of horrifying non-compliance you'd have to engage in in order to use fucking Signal to text your cabinet buddies about your attack plans on enemy fighters. All of our top secret information was (and presumably still is) held on secure servers with a discrete encrypted network that is only accessible by a select few, and all those computers are kept behind multiple layers of physical as well as cyber security. While a Signal chat theoretically benefits from end-to-end encryption (I use it myself), it is by no means anywhere near as secure as official government crypto equipment. Did I mention that some of these people were in Russia while they were texting each other? Thereby almost guaranteeing that Russian hackers or other agents might access that information?

I can't imagine that this is simply incompetence. The magnitude is simply too great. Every employee at every level gets briefed on communications security and information security. You have to sign multiple documents swearing you will never share that information and that if you do, you could face penalties ranging from losing your job all the way to going to prison for the rest of your life for treason. There is no way not a single one of these people didn't at one point think "Hey, maybe we should stick to official channels when we discuss this stuff?" Of course they will not suffer any repercussions for this, because the Trump administration is made of goddamned Teflon, but you will never convince me that this was just some sort of silly mistake by people who don't know what they're doing. It's treasonous sabotage dressed up to look like incompetence so they can have plausible deniability.

In Canadian news, we're having a federal election. Yay.

Right now this is looking like it's Mark Carney's election to lose. He's not my favourite choice, but he appears to be appealing to Canadians as The Guy who can stand up to the Trump tariffs and give the USA a run for their money. The Conservatives have been turning blue in the face trying to criticize him the way they did with Trudeau, even trying out the phrase "the Trudeau-Carney Liberals," but it just doesn't seem to have any staying power right now.

The Conservatives were in a much better position when they were just bashing Trudeau, because he made for a convenient scapegoat. However, Carney is a more difficult target for them, and it's increasingly exposing Pierre Poilievre as a one-trick pony who doesn't actually have any meaningful policy plans or even much of a political platform other than "Trudeau Bad." The Conservatives started with a 25-point lead in the polls in January, if memory serves, and as of yesterday the Liberals now hold a six-point lead. That HAS to sting if you're Poilievre. Honestly, if he loses this election, I can't see any alternative except for him to resign as the leader of the Conservative Party. He's now lost twice to the Liberals, and if the Liberals come in with a majority I think he won't have a choice. It will also mark ten years of the Liberals being in power after ten years of the Conservatives being in power, which means the Conservatives will need to some serious soul-searching if they want to continue being taken seriously as a political party.

The poor NDP (the party I vote for the most often) are in crisis. They started out as a leftist party and have been steadily creeping toward the centre for years now, which I personally think is a mistake. They've accomplished some great things thanks to their Supply and Confidence Deal with the Liberals after the last election (a universal dental care program and the beginnings of a universal pharmacare program, among other things), but have made some baffling decisions too, like tearing up their Supply and Confidence Deal at a time when it kind of felt like nothing was at stake politically, which made no sense to me at all. They are increasingly slipping behind in the polls, and I think that after this election their leader, Jagmeet Singh, will also have to step down. My own opinion is that the NDP needs to go back to its roots and not try to appeal to the centrists, and also that they need to reverse their stance on gun control. I have thoughts on how to re-vamp our gun legislation, and I think that if the NDP lighten up about ALL GUNS BAD they could actually make significant inroads in rural, working-class areas. Alas, that doesn't appear to be their trajectory for now.

All right, I think I've blathered enough for tonight. Catch you on the flip side, friends!
mousme: A text icon in pale blue that reads Winter is Coming (Winter is Coming)
I clearly have developed some sort of psychological block about the seed starting. I've heard it referred to in some ADHD circles as The Wall of Awful, in which you develop such an aversion to a task that you build a metaphorical wall around it that prevents you from accomplishing said task. In theory there should be nothing preventing me from doing this, except that there are several pre-tasks that I keep convincing myself I need to do first, so basically I am letting perfection be the enemy of "good enough."

Of course, I'm running out of time to start my seeds, so I need to find a ladder and get over myself if I want to have a vegetable garden this year. I've decided to plant my tomatoes, peppers, and probably lettuce in my back yard if I can get some raised beds in in a reasonably timely fashion. I have plans to wrap the raised beds in a barrier of some kind (I'm sure there's a name for it, I just can't think of it offhand) to keep both my doggie hooligans and the enterprising neighbourhood bunnies out of my vegetables. Tomatoes tend to ripen all at once in a big old cascade, and since I'm not as diligent about visiting the community garden as I could be, I don't want to risk them rotting on the vine. I also want to plant a lot of Roma tomato plants so that I can make enough marinara sauce to last us through the year. Last time I made the sauce I had a half-bushel of tomatoes I'd gotten from the store and that made enough to last about six months, so I'm thinking four to six plants just for that. The lettuce also makes more sense to plant close to home, because it bolts easily and I'd want to harvest a few leaves at a time as it grows anyway.

Of course, most of these plans will come to naught if I can't get my act together and actually start my seeds. I can direct-sow lettuce, of course, but tomatoes and peppers and most other plants will need to be started ahead of time if I want them to actually produce before the cold sets in and stops their growth.

Tonight is the first of a long week of night shifts, and I am not super looking forward to it. My energy levels are already pretty trash even without adding in more sleep deprivation, which comes with the territory of night shifts. Nothing to be done about it, of course, except just power through. I've also had to accept several daytime appointments this week, so I expect I am going to be very cranky about things 

Okay, it's nearly time to get ready for work. If things are quiet (and I know I've jinxed myself by using the 'Q' word) I will probably write a longer update later. I do have other tasks I want to work on during my shift as well, so we shall see.

Catch you on the flip side, friends!
mousme: A text icon, dark green text on pale green, that reads There is no normal life. There's just life. (No Normal Life)
 Somehow today felt like my busiest day of the week. I got up just in time to fly out the door in order to go to Quaker Meeting for First Day School. Unlike last time the place was full up with children, so I was kept pretty busy. Two Friends took the older pre-teens and teens to the kitchen downstairs for a poetry workshop, and I set up in the "nursery" with a pair of siblings, six-year-old C and her three-year-old brother G.

C is at the exact age when a lot of little girls become "directors," or what is often very uncharitably referred to as being "bossy." I had to very gently redirect her a couple of times when her orders turned rude (mostly just to remind her that saying "please" is important when asking someone to do something for you and not just order them about). While G happily played with a toy cash register and a Fisher Price garage thingie with an elevator, C started with the play kitchen and served me a toy ice cream cup with six scoops of ice cream. I pointed out that it was a lot of ice cream and that I wasn't sure I'd be able to eat all of it, but C wasn't having it. "You can eat it. Just look at your stomach--it's really big!" I mean, true, but also, ouch. Out of the mouths of babes. I'm pretty sure there was no malice behind it, although it's likely she's already unconsciously absorbing some of the fatphobic messaging we have in our society. Anyway, I agreed with her that my stomach *was* big, and then she "helped" me eat the ice cream.

Once the ice cream had been consumed to her satisfaction, she grabbed some paper and colouring pencils, and proceeded to instruct me on how to colour a pattern she'd learned in school. It wasn't my favourite activity, but I've spent time doing way worse things. C and G's grandmother spent a good chunk of time with us too, and helped to wrangle Gabor when he got a little too rambunctious and tried to go get his mother, who was in Meeting for Worship at the time. He fussed a little, but a promise of crackers and cheese got both kids settled pretty well, and eventually the Resident Friend came through with some pre-made Ritz crackers and cheese filling.

After that we had yet another called meeting for the State of Society Report, and it took fully an hour and a half to read through the latest draft and dicker about punctuation and specific word choices and all manner of details. I understand that it's necessary work, but at this point I've been ready to chuck the State of Society Report out the nearest window.

Once the called meeting was over I had barely enough time to run home and turn on my computer to join the first meeting for Nominating Committee. I've agreed to be the co-clerk with one other member of the committee, and we spent the rest of the meeting talking about potential nominees to represent Ottawa Monthly Meeting at Canadian Yearly Meeting. Overall, it was quite productive.

I'd barely finished with Nominating Committee when it was time for a Zoom call with my parents. Luckily my father understands Zoom enough to help my mother log into the calls, and so the only real problem we have now is that my free account only allows us to chat for 40 minutes at a time. We had a really nice conversation, and then it was time to throw dinner together, eat, wrangle the dogs, and watch an episode of The Equalizer.

And then before I knew it, it was time for bed, and here I am. The entire day went by in a blur, and I am exhaustipooped, to quote KK. Time to pass out for the night. Catch you on the flip side, friends!
mousme: The face of a green woman forest deity against a black background (Green Woman)
I had so many things I wanted to get done today and I only got a fraction of them done. My main mistake was going to Costco with KK. I was originally planning to go alone because I usually do, but our membership renewal is coming up and we also had a rewards "cheque" that apparently only she can redeem at the cash because she's the primary account holder.

Turns out, shopping at Costco at midday on a Saturday with KK is really stressful. Mostly it was the circumstances: the place was packed to the gills with people. Normally I grab a cart and sort of use that as a shield against other people, but since KK was there she grabbed a motorized cart to drive, and that left me kind of adrift, with people coming at me with carts from all angles, including KK, who did not have great control over the motorized cart. I tried walking behind her but she kept stopping the cart because she thought I was "slowing down," which would then make me run into her. She told me to walk in front of her, and when I did she kept nearly running into me with the cart. I'm used to going at my own pace, and trying to navigate personal hazards and keep track of KK and stuff was actually pretty draining.

I used the cheque at the cash register, so apparently they don't check particularly hard to make sure you're the primary cardholder, and KK's electric cart started acting up and refusing to go. She kept having to switch it off, wait a few seconds, then switch it on again before it would respond to her commands. We managed to make it through checkout and went to the membership counter. By then my brain was buzzing a little, and things were so loud that I couldn't hear most of what KK was discussing with the lady at the counter. Eventually I approached when KK indicated she wanted my opinion, although I only caught bits and pieces of it. We eventually settled on switching things up so that I'm the primary account holder since I'm the one who does most of the shopping, and then things got hilarious.

The service rep looked at KK very seriously and said: "So you understand, everything will now be in your daughter's name and go to her?"

I giggled and told her I was very flattered that she thought I was that young and good-looking. KK got her up to speed on the fact that I'm six years her junior, and the poor lady was a little embarrassed, but we all laughed it off. I can understand the misapprehension: I was standing back and not really participating in the conversation (because I couldn't hear, but from the outside it looks like a very teenager-y thing to do), and my hair is currently dyed bright blue, and since I was wearing an N95 mask it made it harder to see my actual age. Anyway, we had fun with it.

Then KK's cart died again and we were stuck for a couple of minutes while she got it going again. We flagged it to one of the employees, who told KK that it was because she was leaning too far forward in her seat, but it died again once we got it to the car. After that there was no shifting it, so I ended up physically dragging it across the whole [expletive deleted] parking lot. Let me tell you, dragging an inert motorized shopping cart is not even remotely fun.

We got home and I put the groceries away. Actually, yesterday, at KK's suggestion I completely re-organized the fridge in a way that is supposed to be more ADHD-friendly, with the produce in the fridge door. At the very least, this will keep the produce from freezing in the fridge. I don't know why the fridge keeps freezing my food, but I've been losing more than I would like to that. Hopefully this will work out in the longer term. The fridge door isn't super convenient for keeping vegetables, unfortunately, it's just not the right shape.

I was signed up for an online workshop this afternoon on community building, and that was super interesting and I don't for a second regret it, but I didn't get my seeds started, and tomorrow is going to be taken up with Quaker things for basically the whole day. I might be able to get it done Monday, but I was really hoping to get it done earlier than that. Maybe I'll stay up later tomorrow night, since I'm starting night shifts on Monday anyway, and try to get some of the seeds started then instead. I did at least figure out some of the grow light setup, and I will try to sort out the rest tomorrow. Either way, I am entirely out of spoons, and probably in a serious spoon deficit at this point.

Okay, on that note, it's time for bed. I have to be at Meeting early tomorrow to be ready for First Day School. I don't know if there will be any children there, but I need to be ready in case there are.

I made it!

Mar. 16th, 2025 05:10 pm
mousme: A text icon, white text on green, that reads Zathras trained in crisis management (Crisis Management)
The sleep study went okay. The ADHD struck and I misread the instructions on when to arrive (I saw "twenty" minutes but the email actually said "thirty," oops) but I managed to get there in time anyway. I located a parking spot ($15 for overnight, ouch) and hustled my way to the secondary reception point, since the primary one isn't open on weekends, apparently. I got myself signed in, then went to the cardio-pulmonary ward where a sign directed me to a waiting room where there were clipboards and pens with a form to fill out.

Am I the only one who overthinks medical forms? Or any form, for that matter? Anything that asks me to answer YES or NO immediately sends me into a tizzy of "Well, it DEPENDS. What exactly do you MEAN?" And of course it's a paper form, so it can't provide answers to your clarifying questions. :P One of the questions was: "Please describe the nature of your sleep trouble," or something to that effect, and I just wanted to yell at the paper "I don't KNOW! That is the whole POINT of having a sleep study done! To see if I have trouble!" I tried to ask myself how a neurotypical person might interpret the question, and decided it landed in the category of "Tell me what brings you in today," and went with that.

I had a very lovely technician named Marilyn who got me all strapped in with more wires than I had initially imagined, which is saying something, because I had imagined quite a number of wires. There were also straps and cannulas and extra sensors. Marilyn was joined by another technician named Rita, and drew on my head using a special kind of wax crayon. It was red crayon, and I amused them a lot by asking about the colour and whether they each had a favourite, because apparently no one had ever asked about the crayon colour before. It seemed a natural enough question to ask, but I guess not. They glued a bunch of electrodes to my scalp using a putty that was kind of like wax and would later prove to be rather tricky to wash out, and then it was time for the sleepings in the beddings, as we say to the dogs in our household.

I actually managed to sleep decently, all things considered. I woke up a few times, but not much more than I would if I were at home, and I had weird dreams in which the hospital setting merged with some sort of superhero storyline (it's all a bit of a blur now). At 04:49 a code blue was announced throughout the entire hospital, which was a little jarring, but I went back to sleep relatively easily after that. I felt bad, but it's not like I was in any kind of position to do anything about the poor person in the ER who was having a truly terrible night. I hope they're okay, but of course I will never know. 

Marilyn woke me around 5:30. I thought it was closer to 06:00, but I didn't look at my watch until I was back at my car and realized it was only 6:05, so it must have been closer to 5:30. I got unstrapped, we commiserated over night shift work, I thanked her for all her hard work, and then got dressed and was on my way. I was home again by 6:45, had a quick snack, then stood in a hot shower for a very long time trying to clean the goop out of my hair, and took a nap from 8:00 to 9:00 so that I wouldn't be a complete zombie at work today (because I had agreed to swap shifts partially with one of my coworkers who had hockey games scheduled today).

I've been at work since 11:00, and up until not that long ago things were pretty busy. Luckily most of it has been pretty routine, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will continue to be routine for the next couple of hours until it's time to go home.

That's it for now. Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my taxes done, and I am considering going very early to get my blood drawn before that, and then much later in the morning I need to take Peggy to the vet to get her bum squished (one of my favourite euphemisms for anal gland expression). Exciting times, indeed! I know you are all riveted by the minutiae of my daily existence.

Catch you all on the flip side, friends!
mousme: A text icon in pale blue that reads Winter is Coming (Winter is Coming)
I cannot promise that the whingeing about being tired will end anytime soon.

I am counting the days until my sleep study (three more sleeps!), but of course even then I won't get answers right away. I'm still happy it's happening, and I'm planning to ask how quickly they typically have the results of a sleep study in the hopes that it's a relatively quick process. I have been told that even if it turns out I do need a CPAP machine, I get a "loaner" machine for a month so they can figure out all the correct settings and whatnot (don't ask me for specifics, I don't fully understand it yet), and then the loaner machine gets taken away and I have to wait an unspecified number of months before I get a permanent machine of my very own, all of which sounds sucky. I would just like to get a machine and be on my way, thank you, but alas, that's not the world we live in. On the other hand, I am really hopeful that this will be the determining factor in why I'm so goddamned tired all the time. It would be ideal if I could get the Mystery Tired sorted out before the summer so that I can really take advantage of the nice weather and not drag my sorry ass around like a partially deflated balloon.

In the interim, my brain keeps writing cheques that my body can't cash. There are so many things I want to do, but have no energy to even get started on, not to mention no brainpower or willpower either. If I were to write a list of all the things I want to do and learn, people would probably laugh at me, but I do honestly kind of want to be a Jack of All Trades with a lot of practical skills, like sewing and crocheting and making soap and woodworking and stuff. I should probably make a complete list of all those things and maybe break them down into categories by how feasible they are from a realistic standpoint. It would be an interesting exercise, for sure.

I got in touch with the person I've been jokingly referring to as my worm dealer. The red wrigglers I got from her a few weeks ago are doing well, so I decided to get them some friends in the hopes that they will all reproduce a little faster and produce more castings. I was a little worried at first because I kept finding worms climbing the sides of my bin, but a bit of research revealed that it's normal for just a couple of worms to do that in search of condensation. There was quite a lot of condensation in the bin at the time, and when I got the humidity a bit more balanced they stopped doing it. Apparently you only need to worry if either all of your worms are trying to escape, or if they're all huddled together in one spot, since that means the conditions are poor, but so far that doesn't appear to be the case. The worms have been happily worming, and I've given them more than enough food to keep them happy for now. That being said, I am still happy with my decision to get them some worm friends to speed things up a bit.

I'm meant to go pick up my new worm friends on Friday, and since I also have doctor's appointment that day, that will significantly cut into my time. My original plan was to get my seeds started, and I am still going to give it the old college try, with some spillover into Saturday if needs be. I am a little annoyed about the doctor's visit, because it takes me nearly an hour to drive there and then an hour to drive back, and my appointment is for literally fifteen minutes, and I doubt I will spend more than five minutes in there because I'm only going in order to request blood work for my A1C at the request of the bariatric clinic. This could easily be a phone call or an online appointment, but noooo, I have to waste nearly three hours of my time (travel time, wait time, appointment time, and the time it takes me to deal with all my winter gear) for it. Blargh.

However, if all goes well I should still have a fair bit of time in the afternoon. The plan is to pick up the worms on my way to the doctor's appointment, then head directly home after that, which will get me home by about 1pm. If I play my cards right and don't let inertia get the better of me (the trick is to not sit down, ever, because then I immediately realize how tired I am and don't want to get up again), then I can have a quick lunch and immediately head to the basement to get my seeds started. I do still have to set up all my grow lights, but I'm cautiously optimistic that that won't take more than an hour or so, which leaves me with several hours to plant some seeds before I have to start making dinner. 

I've kind of been slacking in the meal planning department, too. I had gotten into the habit of planning dinner the week before, and that really came in handy for cutting down on grocery spending and more importantly saving me time and stress about trying to figure out what the fuck's for dinner every single night. I've also been meaning to create a full inventory of what's in all the various freezers, too. I have a decent idea, but there are things that I keep forgetting about that I really need to get around to cooking, especially stuff that's in the largest chest freezer in the garage. I have to dig out the sheets with QR code stickers that I got a while back with a view to making an attempt at getting more organized. That never materialized mostly because I keep running out of energy to do anything besides barely exist. 

Okay. I have one hour left before my workday is over and things are picking up. See you on the flip side, friends!
mousme: An RCMP officer in ceremonial uniform swinging around a horizontal bar. (Maintain the Right)
Someone on Facebook posted earlier today that the wealthy (the post said billionaires, but I'm willing to bet other ultra-wealthy people whose net work is "only" in the tens or hundreds of millions also profit this way) profit off of stock market volatility, and honestly, that tracks as the youths are saying these days. (Actually, I'm not sure the youths are using that expression either, I might be a few years out of date on that one too). Trump declares tariffs, the markets tank, wealthy people buy up stock at low prices. The next day Trump declares no more tariffs, the markets pick up, the wealthy have now made a tidy profit.

Barf.

The weather also doesn't know what to do with itself, which is fairly typical for the beginning of March. We've had snow, freezing rain, rain, clear blue skies, warm weather and freezing weather all within less than 26 hours. It's been changing its mind more than Trump has, and that's saying something! Today when I tried to go to work for the early shift my entire car was frozen shut, and the windshield cover I use on my car had actually frozen closed over the side mirrors (it has drawstrings that close around the side mirrors that are great 99% of the time because it keeps the cover from blowing around), and it took forever to get it off as well as chip away enough ice to actually get in my car in order to get my scraper out. What a shitshow. Luckily this is a fairly rare weather coincidence, so hopefully I won't have to deal with it anymore this year, or at least only a handful of times before spring sets in.

In politics-adjacent news, I've been having conflicting feelings about continuing to post on Dreamwidth and LiveJournal. LJ is, of course, owned by Russians, and DW has all its information hosted in the USA, which makes me worry a little about what's going to happen to all of the posts and data if more draconian laws come into play. I'm trying to divest as much from anything US-related as possible, and that is probably going to include a lot of my online activities.

I'm still trying to figure out how to divest from social media companies that are overwhelmingly American without sacrificing my connections with friends (my family is mostly not online) and my connection to alternative news sources and help networks. I know so many people online who are wonderful and amazing whom I consider close friends even though I've never met a lot of them in person, and I have a lot of IRL friends who now live far away from me and with whom I basically only have contact online. I don't think Canada HAS a social media platform to speak of. Right now I have accounts on a number of platforms: Discord (not social media exactly, but close), Facebook, Instagram, Bluesky, and TikTok. All but the latter are owned by the US, and the latter is great in some ways and problematic AF in others.

Not for the first time I kind of wish I had learned how to program beyond the basic html shit I learned specifically for LJ back in 2002. ;) I'd be fine with trying to create my own social media platform, even if it was kind of small and janky if it means I could keep all my friends in my pocket like before but without supporting US corporations or sacrificing my data to shitty actors. I suppose I could always try to learn to program an app in my copious amounts of spare time. To be fair, I do have spare time, I am just bad at using it efficiently.

I have always wanted to be one of those highly organized, highly efficient people to whom others look and say "My God, I don't know how she manages it all!" However, I have to be content with people side-eyeing me and probably saying things like "It's honestly amazing she manages to tie her shoes on a regular basis." (Joke's on them, 3/4 of my shoes are slip-ons!) I have a fair number of "extra" hours in the week, but those usually get frittered away either in decision paralysis or general task initiation paralysis, or just because I can't force myself out of bed early on the weekends anymore because I'm never not tired. (My sleep test is in eight days and I am way too excited about it!)

In related news, I've started reading a new book which looks super promising. It's called Mutual Aid: Building Solidarity During This Crisis (and the Next), and so far it has done an excellent job of defining mutual aid, what is is and what it isn't. The next part of the book is meant to have practical advice on how to start mutual aid or at least get involved, and I am excited to get into it. As usual, my brain isn't letting me read particularly quickly, so I may run out of time before the book has to go back to the library. That being said, if I like the book enough, I may buy myself a copy for future reference.

Okay, time to put this disjointed post out of its misery. Tomorrow I am off to visit my parents and I don't know how late I'll be back home, but hopefully I will be home in time to not break my posting streak. See you on the flip side, friends!
mousme: A picture of the muppet Forgetful Jones from Sesame Street (Forgetful Jones)
I got up at a reasonable hour two days in a row on the weekend, and I still feel as though everything went by in a total flash. It's been a productive weekend, no doubt, but still, where the hell did all my time go?

 I got a load of laundry done for work, and fulfilled my duties as Greeter for Meeting. Then there was just enough time to run upstairs, grab some food, and then KK and I went off on our field trip to visit the cool house that used to be a bank. The house had been staged to highlight its historical past, with cool photographs of the old bank as well as the family who lived there once it was converted to a residence. There was a family bible, and lots of old Royal Canadian Mint coins from various decades set up in various displays. 

It was definitely not the right kind of house for us, even if we had been interested. The basement was all but inaccessible thanks to some steep, crooked, and narrow stairs, although it was in good condition once you got down there. Getting down there was an exercise in not dying of a broken neck, however. The stairs going up were also extremely steep and narrow but were at least straight. The upstairs was lovely and bright, with most of the original flooring except for the master bedroom. There was a hole in the floor which was rather alarming, and the whole place needed a lot of cosmetic repair at the very least, which would have to be done in such a way as to preserve the historical nature of the home because I think it's been declared part of Canadian heritage, or something along those lines.

We left after about 15 minutes, and I got cornered in the doorway by a family with three kids (one baby, and two little girls around the age of six or seven, maybe eight at the utmost). They didn't intend to trap me, but small children tend to mill about a fair bit, and these were no exception. Their grandmother (I think?) was trying to get them to remove their shoes, and the littlest one was not at all keen on it because there was so much melting snow. She stood on her tiptoes, then looked me square in the face and asked: "Will you hold my hand?" So I did, and she was able to navigate past the puddles successfully. It was very cute. Luckily we keep hand sanitizer in the car, because even though I love kids, they are walking germ factories at that age, and I was not keep on bringing home more illness than strictly necessary.

I made lasagna when we got home and shoved it in the oven before Skyping with my parents. I just learned today that Skype is being discontinued completely after May 5th, which means I have to teach my 88 year old mother how to use a different video platform after using Skype to talk to each other for the past 11 years. *sobs quietly* Luckily I'm heading over there on Saturday for a visit, since it's her birthday on Tuesday (she will be turning 88 then), so I plan to set her up with a Zoom account and we will go from there. Hopefully it won't be too complicated for her to use. My father already uses Zoom with some of his university colleagues, so he's familiar with the platform.

I don't have any full work from home days this week, which is making things a little difficult with regards to medicating the chihuahua. KK is trying to figure out if she can manage some half days, and I have two half-days working from home but only in the mornings, which doesn't help us much, since meds typically have to be administered in the early afternoon. I'm sure we'll work it out, but it's a bit of a pain. It would be so much easier if Rika wasn't semi-feral and hated everyone except KK. She'll tolerate me giving her meds, but if she tolerated other people a bit more we could put her in daycare and just pay a bit of extra money on the days when KK has to be at work. Unfortunately she's a feral, vicious little beastie who won't let anyone near her, so we're kind of stuck for the moment.

On that note, it's time for bed. Good night, friends!
mousme: A turquoise twenty-sided die that has landed on "1." The caption reads: "Shit." (Natural One)
I've been steadily watching this whole time, although I haven't been writing about it much here. It's been a really fun rollercoaster to watch this buildup toward the climax of the campaign. I'm on episode 112, meaning that including this episode I have ten episodes left before the end of the campaign. The last episode is an eight-hour monster, though, so I'll probably have to watch/listen to it over two or three days. When I say I watch the episodes, it's not exactly correct, because even though I have them running on YouTube, I treat them more like a podcast than a show to actively watch. The narration and dialogue make up about 90% of the story, and even though it means I miss some of the fun visual shenanigans the cast get up to, it means I can listen and get other stuff done in the meantime.

Critical Role Spoilers! )

I forgot that tonight is the deadline to download my Kindle books to my computer, so I may be screwed on that front since I'll be at work until 23:00 and it will take me at least 30 minutes to get home. I can always try immediately going to my computer, but I don't know how many books I can download before midnight. Supposing I have exactly 30 minutes (unlikely because I'll still have to find a cable and turn on the computer and all that stuff), it'll probably be a maximum of 30 books supposing that each book takes only 1 minute to transfer. Well, I will still give it a try. Even if I only get some of them downloaded, it's better than nothing.

I am really looking forward to going home and getting into bed. I overslept a little today because D&D went a little late (albeit it still ended before midnight) and I was pretty tired, and I'm hoping to not oversleep quite as long tomorrow morning. Thus far I seem to be mostly sleeping on my evening shifts whenever I'm not at work rather than getting anything else done, and it would be nice to change that up a bit this week. Mind you, the last time I did things during my evening shifts I overscheduled myself and ended up nearly burning myself out. So maybe sleeping isn't all that bad, even if it makes me less productive.

That's kind of all I have for now, I think. There's more, but I just can't bring it to mind. If I think of it I'll put it in tomorrow's post.

Good night, friends!

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mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
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