mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
Is anyone still around?

I am blowing the dust off this thing, and seeing what happens. The plan is to try to be better at documenting what's going on in my life, just for myself at least. I am bad at paper journaling, but back in the before times I was pretty good about keeping LJ up to date.

So this is just a quick-and-dirty entry to log my commitment to updating regularly.

See you next year, friends!
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
2022 is starting out, well, weirdly. The newest COVID-19 variant (Omicron, for future reference) is surging and is proving to be the biggest wave of all after nearly two years of this pandemic nonsense. It feels off to wish everyone a happy New Year when right now things seem bleak, and yet I still want to do it, because I think we can still be happy even when things are going to shit, but it's also difficult to do that without it landing really wrong with a lot of people.

I've been absent from LJ mostly since KK moved in and even more especially since I got Pixie, the newest Brittany puppy. I forgot just how much chaos a puppy brings into the house, but now that she's here I remember spending the first year or so of Peggy's life despairing that I would ever have time for anything except damage control ever again. It feels like every minute I have "free" (meaning not working or sleeping) I am spending hovering over the puppy like a hyperanxious surveillance drone, worried about what she'll get into next, who she might inconvenience (KK or the neighbours) or what she might destroy because she is not so much a puppy as a super adorable velociraptor. On the other hand, when I take a minute and remember that I went through the same thing with Peggy, it gives me hope that this will not be the case forever. I just have to hang in until the velociraptor stage is over.

As for the rest, I've been doing well, overall. Having KK as my roommate has been really nice. For the first time in my life I'm sharing my living space with someone who not only seems to enjoy my company but is actively helpful with stuff that's important to me and willing to communicate and discuss things as they arise. I've never had all those things at once, and it's weird but very nice.

Work has been... work. That's fodder for a much longer post, because there have been shenanigans and nonsense, but I have managed to maintain an even keel for myself in the midst of all of it, and I am very proud of myself for that.

I miss my friends, not going to lie. I've missed checking in on LJ-land, too, and I am going to try to be better about that. I have a number of resolutions for this year (not in the sense of New Year's Resolutions of becoming A Better Person, but just things that I have resolved to do), and staying in touch with the people I care about more is one of them. A big part of that will mean figuring out how to manage my time better, because it just keeps getting away from me. That one's going to be a challenge, because I've never successfully managed my time in my nearly 43 years of life. I can but try, right?

I honestly don't know what 2022 is going to look like. I'm hoping for some personal growth, and I am praying for improvement in the world in general. I don't have a ton of faith in any of our political leaders to consistently make the right choices for humanity, but I also refuse to give into despair. I will try to make changes where I am able, and keep my faith.

In short, I think it's time to resurrect the .gif I used for a couple of years to usher in the New Year, and channel Gillian Holtzmann now that January is underway. We got this, y'all. Let's go.


mousme: A text icon in black text on yellow that reads The avalanche has started, it is too late for the pebbles to vote (Avalanche)
 I'm back-dating this post from LJ which I couldn't cross-post because work doesn't allow access to DW but does to LJ, for some reason. *shrug*

2022 is starting out, well, weirdly. The newest COVID-19 variant (Omicron, for future reference) is surging and is proving to be the biggest wave of all after nearly two years of this pandemic nonsense. It feels off to wish everyone a happy New Year when right now things seem bleak, and yet I still want to do it, because I think we can still be happy even when things are going to shit, but it's also difficult to do that without it landing really wrong with a lot of people.
 
I've been absent from LJ mostly since KK moved in and even more especially since I got Pixie, the newest Brittany puppy. I forgot just how much chaos a puppy brings into the house, but now that she's here I remember spending the first year or so of Peggy's life despairing that I would ever have time for anything except damage control ever again. It feels like every minute I have "free" (meaning not working or sleeping) I am spending hovering over the puppy like a hyperanxious surveillance drone, worried about what she'll get into next, who she might inconvenience (KK or the neighbours) or what she might destroy because she is not so much a puppy as a super adorable velociraptor. On the other hand, when I take a minute and remember that I went through the same thing with Peggy, it gives me hope that this will not be the case forever. I just have to hang in until the velociraptor stage is over.
 
As for the rest, I've been doing well, overall. Having KK as my roommate has been really nice. For the first time in my life I'm sharing my living space with someone who not only seems to enjoy my company but is actively helpful with stuff that's important to me and willing to communicate and discuss things as they arise. I've never had all those things at once, and it's weird but very nice.
 
Work has been... work. That's fodder for a much longer post, because there have been shenanigans and nonsense, but I have managed to maintain an even keel for myself in the midst of all of it, and I am very proud of myself for that.
 
I miss my friends, not going to lie. I've missed checking in on LJ-land, too, and I am going to try to be better about that. I have a number of resolutions for this year (not in the sense of New Year's Resolutions of becoming A Better Person, but just things that I have resolved to do), and staying in touch with the people I care about more is one of them. A big part of that will mean figuring out how to manage my time better, because it just keeps getting away from me. That one's going to be a challenge, because I've never successfully managed my time in my nearly 43 years of life. I can but try, right?
 
I honestly don't know what 2022 is going to look like. I'm hoping for some personal growth, and I am praying for improvement in the world in general. I don't have a ton of faith in any of our political leaders to consistently make the right choices for humanity, but I also refuse to give into despair. I will try to make changes where I am able, and keep my faith.
 
In short, I think it's time to resurrect the .gif I used for a couple of years to usher in the New Year, and channel Gillian Holtzmann now that January is underway. We got this, y'all. Let's go.
 
 
mousme: A text icon, dark green text on pale green, that reads There is no normal life. There's just life. (No Normal Life)
I managed to post regularly the week of the move, but it turns out that having a roommate really changes up your routine! Whodathunkit?

Anyway, we are still up to our eyeballs in boxes, although we have been steadily unpacking for over two weeks now. It's just a never-ending stream of stuff, and I am starting to despair a tiny bit that we just don't have room in this house for all KK's stuff. I thought I had a lot of stuff, but she has at least four times as much as I do, egads.

The animals are all settled in, with the exception of Libby, KK's cat, who is still mostly staying in KK's room and only venturing out when it's "safe" (i.e. when Peggy isn't home and all the other cats are either locked in another room or at least not around). Cats can take quite a while to adjust to a change, so we're just going to let her set the pace for how she wants to integrate the household.

I have more to say, but it's nearly 11 pm and I desperately need sleep. Once I have figured out a better time for posting to this journal I will likely be back to posting daily, but right now I've been either cooking dinner in the evenings and/or hanging out with KK, and that means that I haven't been settling in front of the computer to end my day the way I used to. The good news is that I'm cooking a lot more, and this week in particular have been getting back to cooking from scratch, which has been very nice.

On that note, bed. Peggy is already passed out and waiting for me to come cuddle her. The only reason I know she's not completely asleep is that I can see her nose twitching occasionally, which is adorable.

Good night, friends! I will catch you on the flip side. :)
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
I am determined to be in bed by 10:00 at the very latest, and as you can see it is 9:47. Peggy and I had a wonderful day with her Uncle Dylan and Auntie Sarah, and we are about to attempt having her share the bed with me tonight again. She is good and tired and currently molesting a bone with great gusto, so here's hoping tonight goes better than the last two attempts.

Good night, friends! 
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Default)
I'm tired and I have run out of spoons. I'm going to bed. I love you all, be safe and be kind. <3 
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Can't Cope)
Apparently I can access LJ from work, but not Dreamwidth, because the firewall recognizes DW as a blogging site, but not LJ. The ways of the firewall are many and mysterious.

It's been a... not great few months. The last time I posted was in September, I think, and that was shortly before everything went a little bit to hell. I despair of being able to keep up with my friends' posts, too, which makes me feel like the shittiest friend ever. So, you know, sorry for not keeping up with all of your lives! I will try to do better, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

First, the very bad news. I will put it behind a cut because it is very triggery for some.
Cut for chronic illness, cancer, and attendant stuff. )

So that's what was happening with my mother. In the meantime, I was still trying to juggle mediation training, my masters' classes, and work, which blew up in my face. We were facing another staffing shortage, and I ended up being called in for quite a bit of overtime. The money was nice, but I didn't really want to go in, and it cost me dearly. The short version is that I fucked up my health, and then my sleep got even more messed up, and I fell really, really behind in my classes, so much so that I ended up dropping one even though it meant losing the tuition money permanently. It was either that or fail both courses and flush the entire amount of money down the drain, so in the end the choice was a no-brainer.

The health thing has been weird. Part of it is a flare-up of Menière's (vertigo, puking, tinnitus, etc.), but there were a lot of mystery symptoms, too. My best guess is that a lot of them were stress related.

I ended up stepping down as clerk of First Day School at Quaker Meeting, and I haven't been back since August, for which I feel incredibly guilty. I should go back, but I'm a bit of a shame spiral about it, and the longer I stay away the harder it is to go back. I feel like I let everybody down, and I don't know how I'm going to look any of them in the face after giving up on FDS. Objectively speaking I know it was probably the best decision to make, as I've hated the position ever since I accepted it in 2015 and it stressed me out to no end, but there was never anyone around who wanted to take it up and FDS is too important to let it go entirely, so I just kept going until I absolutely couldn't anymore.

Mediation training is done for now, and I am trying desperately to get some experience, but so far I haven't heard back from the places I've reached out to. I've scaled back to one class this semester, and even there I am falling behind with every passing week. It's a little dishearteneing, but I am going to make a determined effort to catch up. At least I am finding the subject matter really interesting, and since I'm doing this for my own benefit and nothing else, that's what I'm focusing on. The moment this stops being interesting or enjoyable, I'm going to stop.

Work has also been extra amounts of not fun.
Cut for work-related things. )

Work nonsense aside, I am trying slowly to come out of this nearly five-months slump. I am considering asking my doctor to up my Wellbutrin again, and see if that helps. I went from a non-therapeutic dose to the actual minimum therapeutic dose, and that did help a bit, so I wonder if a higher dose might not actually get my brain to cooperate more.

Cut for domestic things which are not super interesting. )

I don't know if I'll be able to make it all work. Maybe if I can get my act together a little bit, I can at least try to keep track of my progress (if any) here. I keep trying to check in reglarly here, but I keep getting overwhelmed and then not coming back. I have no idea if I can break that pattern. We shall see, I guess!
mousme: A text icon, dark green text on pale green, that reads There is no normal life. There's just life. (No Normal Life)
I'd forgotten I posted in January. I thought the last time was sometime last summer, and oddly it makes me feel a little better that I didn't abandon this space as long as I thought I had.

As always, a lot has happened since I last posted. Well, a lot, and also surprisingly little, when you think about it. It feels like a lot to me, but to the outside viewer I assume it looks like not much at all. It's all a matter of perception.

The big news is that I did, indeed, get the puppy I'd been planning on. Her name is Peggy, and she is the best Brittany Spaniel ever. She is exactly 12 weeks old as of today (born March 1st). Here is a picture of her under the cut:
Peggy! )
University is still chugging along. I am averaging As overall (two A+s, one A, one A-, though that last one I am blaming squarely on the group work), and at the suggestion of one of the university staff I've applied to be allowed to switch over directly to the Masters' program earlier than I had originally intended to do. No word on that application yet, but I'm not worrying about it. Either they accept or they don't, the only thing that will really change is what degree I end up with when the dust settles. Either way I will receive the education I want and be able to go about my business. I am really, really enjoying taking this degree. That and the new puppy are the main things keeping my morale up these days, because work is a fucking shit show that shows no signs of improving. That's a rant for a different day, I think.

I kind of dropped the ball on several of my goals for this year, but I'm still trying. It's been a hell of a thing, trying to keep all my plates spinning, and right now it feels like I am surrounded by broken crockery. I had some unexpected expenses (the car required a trip to the car vet for a new exhaust system, and the actual animal vet bills cost more than anticipated), and my bank account is in the red for the first time in over four years. I'm not broke, or anything, but my available funds are, uh, negligible. With that in mind I've signed up for YNAB (You Need A Budget), which I'm still trying to wrap my head around. It's not super intuitive, but it takes a different approach to budgeting than the traditional one that I've been following, and since tradition has not served me, I figure this is worth a shot. I've been socking money away to pay for the house I want to (hopefully) purchase next year, but if I have no actual available funds to, you know, live on, then the point is moot. I am being melodramatic, of course. Things will balance out a bit over the next two months, but between the vet, the car, school bills (God, tuition is expensive!) and just existing in general, my bank account is deeply unhappy these days. *sigh*

In slightly better news, I've been slowly chipping away at making my current house more livable. I realized after I'd moved in a hurry away from Cruella de Frootloops (many thanks to [personal profile] blackmare for the nickname!) that I actually really don't like my current place. It's both too big and too small, in that the spaces I use the most often (the kitchen and dining room) are tiny, and everywhere else in the house is way too big. Everything in my kitchen is cramped, I have no pantry, and the cabinets are shallow and poorly designed so that things don't fit well and there is a ton of wasted space. The rest of the space is huge, which makes it a pain in the proverbial ass to clean, and a lot of it is wall to wall beige carpet. BEIGE. Who does that? Who thinks beige is a good idea for carpet? Anyway, between me, the four cats, and two dogs in succession, let's just say the carpets are, uh, not looking great. I will have to have a professional come in and shampoo them to within an inch of their lives before I leave.

So last... Monday? No, Tuesday, I spent a good chunk of the day reorganizing my entire kitchen so I could have better access to the stuff I want to use. It's still tiny and cluttered and difficult to work in, but it's so much better than it was. I actually took quite a bit of time beforehand to visualize what I wanted, and having a clearer vision in mind really helped it come together quickly and efficiently. I am quite proud of myself for that. I also sorted through a bunch of paperwork several weeks ago, but I only got about, I'd say maybe halfway through if I'm being generous, and then I stopped (it was 2 am and I forced myself to go to bed because 2 am is a poor life choice for me) and never got back to it. Partly my not getting back to it is due to having a rambunctious puppy who is not at all house trained yet (alas).

I'm hoping to be able to get back to it in the coming days. I want the room in which all those papers are piled (boxes and boxes worth!) to be emptied and made into a nice, functional space, and I need to put my bedroom and bathroom in some semblance of order. I am going back to Marie Kondo's book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I am still not a fan of the last few chapters of her book, but the overall method does seem to work, so I will overlook her chirpy claims that decluttering will help me get a "slimmer tummy" and get clearer skin so that I can look good for my boyfriend! (Blech.)

[...]

I got interrupted by work, and now I don't at all remember where I was going with this. Oops? The perils of getting older, I guess. ;)


If I manage to remember this time, I will post the rest later, perhaps tonight during my last night shift. Supposing I don't forget again.


mousme: A text icon that reads: "When the sun has set, no candle can replace it." (Sun has set)
 I promised an update, so an update you shall have! For all that it feels like nothing ever happens in my life, actually there's a fair bit to catch up on. I can't guarantee it will be interesting to anyone but me, though, fair warning.

Here we go, in order of importance, I guess:

  • Sad news first: Sergent died just under a month ago. He was my dog, for those of you who may not be fully up to speed on things. Anyway, he'd been slowing down a lot over the last year--his arthritis was clearly getting worse in spite of treatments, and he became incontinent right after I moved house and basically never recouped his house training after that. Then Father's Day weekend, while my parents were visiting, he got really sick, which usually happened about once a year for him, but this time when I brought him to the emergency vet, he didn't bounce back the way he usually does. He stopped being able to walk, lost all interest in food, water, and his surroundings, and generally made it very obvious to me that he was ready to go. The vet concurred with me that euthanasia was the best course of action, and so that's what we decided to do. He went quickly, and at least at the end he wasn't in pain anymore.
  • Not-sad news: I am starting university again in the fall! I took a two-day course in conflict resolution at my workplace, and really loved it. I also spied an opportunity, as the instructor said that they were thinking of expanding the Informal Conflict management program. So I discreetly inquired as to what one might need to become part of said program, and she said I'd need a degree in Conflict Studies from St. Paul University. Uncharacteristically for me, I took the plunge and not only immediately started researching the degree, I actually pulled together all the necessary paperwork to apply, and applied. To my shock, I was actually accepted for a Bachelor of Arts in Conflict Studies. So I start again September 5th, and am freaking out ever so slightly, because it has been roughly eighteen years since I was last in university, and I am pretty sure I have forgotten how to Academia. Still, it's pretty exciting. If I study part-time but manage some summer courses, I can finish in about five years. Possibly less, if I can apply to be fast-tracked to a Masters' Degree, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, just getting my feet wet again will suffice.
  • In weirdly related news, I have resumed going to therapy. There's no official diagnosis yet, but it looks like I might actually have ADHD, or at least some sort of executive dysfunction disorder. [livejournal.com profile] ai731 asked me if I'd ever been tested, way back in November, during one of our cooking days, when I YET AGAIN skipped a step in a recipe/forgot an ingredient/whatever. Obviously I've never been tested, but the more I looked into it, the more it seemed to fit. If it is the correct diagnosis, then I'd have what's called the "inattentive" presentation, rather than hyperactivity. So, anyway, I'm working with a therapist who specializes in ADHD and related things, and we've been trying to make me less of a trash fire of a human being. It's slow going so far, but at least she's been keeping me honest about a few things. I think I'll expand on that in a separate entry.
  • Work has been chugging along, in much the same way as before. We go through periods where it looks like we'll maybe pull ourselves out of the hole we're constantly in, by hiring people and training them, and then before we know it a ton of people jump ship for various reasons, and we're practically back to square one. Right now one employee is out on maternity leave, another is on paternity leave for nine months, one just up and left after being back only a few months after being out on stress leave and has dramatically declared he's never coming back, and we STILL haven't filled previous vacancies. One was out on bereavement leave for three weeks, one was out for two months on medical leave for two months and is only coming back part-time next week, and won't be full time until probably September. It's a mess. Right now we are 9 full-time permanent employees (including supervisors), 2 full-time contract employees, 1 part-time contract employee, and one guy who is helping us out because he's being super nice and knows we're in trouble. We're supposed to be 16 full-time permanent employees (including supervisors), but that has not been the case once since I started working there. Oh, and our Director just retired and our Staff Sergeant just announced she was leaving in August for another section, so we will have two completely new people above us in the chain of command, who have NO experience in our section and no idea what we do, and it will take a year of work on our part to get them up to speed.
  • Related to the above, it's kind of the reason I'm looking to get out of my current position. It's not the only reason, of course, nor even the primary one. The primary reason is that the long weeks and ridiculous rotating shifts are getting increasingly difficult to recover from. I work 60 hour weeks, then get several days off in between, but those days off are increasingly spent sleeping or being useless because I'm so tired from work. I also do much better on a set schedule, and my work schedule is not regular enough for that. It's doing my head in. Another reason I was considering getting out is that my Staff Sergeant seems to have decided that I am super incompetent and that I need to be micromanaged. Now, granted, I did make a mistake. It was a mistake that was mostly minor, but unfortunately it got noticed by officers who were senior to my Staff Sergeant, and so they called her and yelled about it, and therefore that shit rolled downhill to me. I will give her props, she did not throw me under the bus, but I think she's still holding the grudge months later. I have been on the receiving end of irrational grudges from management before, and I wasn't relishing the prospect of continuing working for her, but since she's leaving in a month or so, I'm a lot less worried about it now.
  • I'm still streaming on Twitch! I've really found my groove, and am having a lot of fun with it. (If you're interested, you can catch me here: https://www.twitch.tv/ratherastory) I'm part of some great communities, have made wonderful new friends, and have discovered amazing video games it never would have occurred to me to play on my own. I've also started doing cooking streams on my free Saturdays, and am having a blast with that, too. I've been managing to stream on average three times a week, and even have something of a schedule set up for it, as much as my work schedule allows for, anyway.

I think that's many of the broad strokes of what happened over the past few months. There were smaller things, too, minor drama at work, adventures with friends, cool Christmas parties, but this should give you an idea of where I'm at these days. I'm going to try to update more regularly. If not every day, then at least a couple of times a week. Once upon a time, this LJ was a good way for me to keep a record of what was going on in my life, so it'd be nice if I could start that process up again.
mousme: A picture of Wol from Winnie the Pooh, holding a note that reads "Gon Out. Backson. Bizy. Backson." (Back Soon)
*embarrassed cough*

Uh, HI.

I keep swearing I'll post more, and then I... don't. This is a serious failing on my part, and I am kind of sorry about that.

Part of my problem is that I fell down a New Shiny Hobby Rabbit Hole. This happens to me more often than I'd like to admit, usually right around November. Oops.

I'd promise to be better, but I am trying not to make promises I can't keep. Right now I'm in the last hours of a night shift, so I'm going to keep this entry brief, but I will do my level best to come back tomorrow and try to at least put in bullet form all the things that have been going on in the past eight months or so. There's actually quite a bit, although none of it is very thrilling, I am sorry to say.

I have been woefully absent from LiveJournal and Dreamwidth. Please tell me what important things I missed in your lives, dear friends! 
mousme: A picture of Wol from Winnie the Pooh, holding a note that reads "Gon Out. Backson. Bizy. Backson." (Back Soon)
This is the part where I apologize for not posting, as usual. I do read everything you all post, for what little that’s worth.

Contrary to my old habits (I’m talking many years ago), I have stopped posting here when I’m struggling with my everyday life. To be honest, posting about that stuff just feels exhausting, and so I put it off, and then there’s so much to catch up on that I feel overwhelmed, and the thought of even trying to catch up makes me do the psychological equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling LA-LA-LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

This post is not going to be the “catch-up” posts. For one thing, my beloved MacBook is gone. The brand new logic board I got for it 11 months ago gave up the ghost, and I can’t justify spending $900 to replace it when the new one probably won’t last either. So right now I’m posting from my phone, which is not great.

(I do have another computer, which I will talk about in another post, but it’s a desktop and is in another room, and I miss the convenience of being able to access the internet from my laptop on days like today when I’m just trying to relax in bed before my night shift. It’s a small inconvenience, but still.)

I can’t promise I will post more. I will try. Most of my community is gone from LJ, though, and it makes me a little sad to post here and then see so few of the “faces” from long ago on my friends’ page.

I should start writing again here, though. Writing used to help me process stuff, at least. Maybe I’ll challenge myself to write every day in November, like a pseudo-NaNoWriMo. That might get me back in the rhythm of things.
mousme: A text icon, white text on green, that reads Zathras trained in crisis management (Crisis Management)
It's a statutory holiday here today, so that means I get to wear jeans to work! I have come to deeply loathe and resent having to wear "business casual" office clothing, so God help me if I ever end up having to work in a regular office setting again. Right now I only have to wear the hated clothes about five days a month, often less, when I'm working day shifts during the week, and the rest of the time I can wear comfy jeans, which is my favourite thing to do.

Not much has happened since I last posted. I have been procrastinating like crazy on unpacking the house and doing anything remotely productive when it comes to keeping my life together.

Instead I've been playing Stardew Valley, which is entirely the fault of [livejournal.com profile] fearsclave , who, as usual, is a terrible influence. It's a horribly addictive little farming sim game, which is normally not at all my bag, but on top of the farming there is a significant emphasis on social relationships and community building in the game: the goal is not just to become good at farming, but to integrate a small community and become a respected member of society. The village, called Pelican Town, is also disturbingly realistic in some ways when it comes to depicting small town life, and the otherwise cute and lighthearted game has gotten dark on me a few times. There are characters with depression, suffering from isolation and alcoholism, people on the fringes of "civilised" society. Anyway, it's been weirdly compelling, and it has occupied a lot of my free time in the past three weeks. I finally reached some of the artificial goals the game sets this past weekend, so hopefully my fervor for it will die down a little now, and let me be productive in other ways.

I took Sergent to the vet last week for his shots, and also for our third ride on the "Does the Dog Have Cushing's Disease?" merry go round. I was worried because he's been having accidents in the house ever since I moved. I had attributed it to stress at first, but since it had continued for a month after (though with diminishing frequency), and he's been presenting with other symptoms (panting, less energy, whatnot), a lot of the signs pointed to something else going on. $1,000 later, and the good news is that he still doesn't have Cushings. The bad news is that I'm almost out of savings now. *sigh* I have a new vet, one who is much closer to home, which is much better news for both the pets, who hate being in the car for extended periods, and for my sanity, because my previous vet was an hour away by car, which meant that a vet visit before this meant basically writing off the entire day. It will be nice to be able to do other things on Vet Days now.

In more uplifting news, my new friends L. and J. managed to sell their house, and as of last week no longer live right next to the people who harassed them and made their existence a living misery for two years! I'm so excited and happy for them. They're still looking for a permanent place to live (they both suffer from severe mould allergies. which means they have to be very careful about finding a new home), but at least they now don't have to orchestrate their lives around making sure a vehicle is always parked around their home and that they're not alone for extended periods of time. They no longer have to wear their hoods up to keep their faces covered, or be afraid to leave their house during the day (they did most of their moving in the dead of night), or have their neighbours rev their truck engines at them half the night or point floodlights at their house at all hours, or leave threatening notes on their car windshield. In short, this is fantastic news for them. They sold their house to a heterosexual white couple who already have ties in the neighbourhood, so they're confident the new people won't also be the target of harassment, so it's good all around.

This past weekend ended up busier than any other time since I moved. I ran D&D on Saturday for the first time in over two months, and it went pretty well. I planned a non-combat session for my players: a solstice festival which would allow them to roleplay and just have some fun without worrying about getting killed or having larger moral decisions to make. It was a good way to get back into the swing of things, and give me a bit of breathing space to try to plan out the next arc of their story. In a way, Levels 1-5 were there to help them figure out who their characters are, but now I want to try to start pulling things together and introducing them to the larger world I've been creating. It would likely help me if I worked out more of the details of my world, I guess. :P I don't know if they'll make it all the way to Level 20, but I have plans for them if they do, that's for sure. I just have to figure out what I want to see happen in the interim, and how to make it as much fun for them as possible, too. I have a lot of their backstories to play with as well, which ought to be fun.

Sunday I went to Meeting, after missing two weeks due to work. Now that I'm a Member I'm finding it more difficult to arrange my life with so few free weekends. I'm the clerk of First Day School, which means I feel obligated to lead FDS at least once a month, which means I have only one Sunday a month to attend Meeting, and therefore that's usually the Sunday I will sacrifice if I have to make other plans (like go on a trip, or what have you), but it means I sometimes won't attend Meeting for several months, and I feel really bad about that. I have no good solution to this, unfortunately, short of finding a job that doesn't require me to work weekends, or winning the lottery so I don't have to work at all anymore. :P

Meeting was more stressful than usual, too, because we had an elderly Member become unresponsive during worship. I feel especially bad, because I noticed early on that he appeared to have fallen asleep during worship, and was drooling a little at the time, and I debated with myself if I should go check and see if he was okay and decided against it. This happened to him last year (the only two times I've ever seen him attend Meeting, for that matter), and I wondered if it might not be happening again, but I worried about overstepping my bounds, as I don't know him at all. If I end up in a similar situation again, I'm damned well not going to worry about being told to mind my own business, so long as it means I'm not possibly sacrificing someone's health and safety in the name of social delicacy. It was a poor decision on my part not to interrupt Meeting to check on him, and I regret it.

When worship was over, it became obvious that something was wrong, and people were oddly reluctant to call for medical help for the man. A few of his friends said they would just take him home, and so I stepped in then and put my foot down. He was slumped over in his chair and completely unresponsive, his skin was clammy, and his breathing was extremely rapid and shallow. "I'm calling an ambulance," I told them, and then got them to move chairs aside so the paramedics would have room to work, and employed my best crowd management techniques to get well-meaning but unhelpful people and the looky-loos out of the way. An ambulance arrived within about three minutes, which was great, along with a policeman, who was helpful in getting people to move back and also to have someone to act as a point of contact with the gentleman's family, whom we were having trouble contacting during the emergency.

The funny thing is, because I was the one who essentially took charge of the emergency, everyone at Meeting decided I must know everything there was to know about the gentleman who'd collapsed. People kept asking me what his medical conditions were, if I'd contacted his children, all sorts of things, when the truth is that I didn't even know the guy's name. I'd never met him properly: I just knew from last summer, when he'd also collapsed at Meeting, that there was a history of this happening. Anyway, in light of this latest event, I approached the Meeting clerk and told her we should suggest that everyone volunteer to give us emergency contact information, for cases such as these. We got lucky that a few of the Members in attendance that day not only knew the man, but had phone numbers for his children in their cell phone contacts, but those Members could just as easily not have been there that day, and then the children would not have found out for hours or perhaps even days that their father was in the hospital.

Everything turned out okay, as far as I know: the gentleman was already awake and more responsive by the time the ambulance took him to the hospital, so I'm sure he will be fine. Still, it could have gone much better, and I have learned quite a few lessons from what I did wrong yesterday.

Back to better news: I'm slated to go to a fandom convention next week, which I'm really looking forward to. It has changed names, from Wincon to Confabulation, but it's basically still the same con. I'm looking forward to seeing all the friends I made there last time once more, just to hang out and geek out about fannish stuff. It's a convention run by fans, for fans, with no celebrity guests, which keeps the prices mercifully low, and lets us have panels and round tables to discuss all of our beloved things in depth, which is one of my favourite things to do! So I'm pretty psyched about it, even though it's coming at a time when I no longer have the kind of money I thought I'd have before going, due to unexpectedly having to move and two very hefty vet bills in a three-month period. Still, I can swing it, only because I'd been carefully putting money aside for this convention since last year. I just wish this year had been less expensive.


And that's it! Things are starting to happen in my life again, so with any luck I will be around more and posting.

New Leaf

May. 1st, 2017 08:48 am
mousme: The face of a green woman forest deity against a black background (Green Woman)
 I am not going to even try to catch up on the last few months. Well, I might, but it will likely end up in bullet point form. ;) I'm going to try to get back into my good habits of posting every day, or most days of the week, at least. There may be some hiccups on days when I'm extra busy, but I was doing pretty well up until two months ago.

I finished the Move That Would Not End yesterday, after weeks of moving small things and running into minor problem after minor problem. I am swimming in an ocean of unpacked boxes, but my parents came to visit this weekend and helped me unpack about 75% of the kitchen, which is fantastic. So I can now at least make myself a cup of tea in the morning, and I can see my whole kitchen! I have stuff all over the counters which needs to be sorted out, because my new kitchen is WAY smaller than my old one, but at least I've got the basics down.

Yesterday the old house got professionally cleaned, and I took video of the house before I left, and photos of one room because I ran out of space on my phone for video. Bah. This morning I was extra vindicated because I found some old photos of the dog I took when I first moved in in 2014, and those photos show the stain on the floor my landlady claims I made. So now I have *proof* that the "damage" wasn't done by me. I mean, I knew that it wasn't me, but the gaslighting was starting to take a toll after all that time. Anyway, I dropped the keys in the mailbox, and Cruella de Froot Loops, as [personal profile] blackmare  has dubbed her, should forever be out of the picture. Hurray!

I quite like my new house, overall. The one disappointment is that my sofa bed didn't fit in the stairs, and thus can't go in the house. I have decided to donate it to a refugee organization. Hopefully they will be able to make good use of it. I am pretty disappointed, because it was a good sofa, and now I have nowhere for my guests to sleep if I invite them over. I haemorrhaged money these past few months due to the move (moving by yourself is an expensive proposition folks: take it from me, don't be single and mostly by yourself in a strange city), so I can't afford to buy a new bed just yet. My parents have made noises about giving me the two single beds they have in storage, but that would mean moving them from Montreal, and I'm not sure it's worth the cost, honestly. We'll see.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but the adoption-from-foster-care plan is in the toilet, mostly due to my landlady. The CAS wants a stable environment, and apparently moving house makes me unstable. Also, my case worker, after being AWOL for nine months and never answering my emails or phone messages, took exception to the fact that it took me several days to answer one email and decided that I wasn't fast enough for her liking, so they've closed my file. It's not permanently closed, as she told me to reapply in a few years, but I think maybe it's a sign it wasn't meant to be. I've had a bad feeling from her from the start, and I strongly suspect she was just looking for a reason not to accept me as a candidate and just couldn't find a good enough one until now.

I'm going to give myself some time to recover from the financial shock of moving (it was a doozy this year, for several reasons), and then look into other avenues. I think I can still make a great parent, regardless of what CAS thinks. Private adoption is an option, but a very expensive one for a person on a single income. Or there's always artificial insemination, which is also expensive but far less so. The thing with that is by the time I'll be ready to start, I'll be 39, and that's kind of old for a safe pregnancy. It worries me quite a bit.

Since that Big Life Plan™ is on hold for now, I'm looking at smaller plans for the upcoming summer. The move meant I didn't get to start any seedlings, so I'll be buying my plants again this year. I don't know anyone local who has spare seedlings. Hell, I barely know anyone local. I can count the people I know on my fingers and have some left over, and 90% of those are married couples. I should probably feel bad that I have so few friends, but if I had more friends I'd just feel bad that I can't see them most of the time due to work. So that's some consolation. ;)

Anyway, I still have my plot at Vanier Community Garden, and I'm going to hang onto it for as long as I can. I can still get there easily from work, so I can pop by when I'm working, and it's a 20 minute drive otherwise, which is totally doable. I need to be more vigilant about going every day this year, because last year all my edible produce got stolen, and the rest died, which was very sad. Of course, this year I'm not suffering from massive burnout, so I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll be better about things.

I'm also going to try to start writing again. This is probably a terrible idea, but there you go. I haven't written much in well over three years, and what little I do write is basically garbage, but I have this fleeting hope that maybe someday I won't write garbage anymore. I'm going to start out small, maybe 100 words or 10-15 minutes a day. I have some ideas for original fiction, since I haven't yet found a fandom that's making me want to write the way my old fandoms did. I miss having a fandom to be super excited about, frankly, and I hope I can find a new one soonish.

Last but not least (for now, anyway), my trip to Paris has served to remind me how much I love travelling. So I have decided to start putting money aside each year for a trip somewhere. I adored by weekend foray into Scotland, so the plan next year is to go back there and do some more thorough exploring. Two days wasn't nearly enough, if you ask me.

Okay, I think that's it for today. Catch you all later!
mousme: A picture of Wol from Winnie the Pooh, holding a note that reads "Gon Out. Backson. Bizy. Backson." (Back Soon)
I'm moving this Friday, and between that and work and other stuff I just haven't had the wherewithal to post to LJ or DW. I will make it up to you all, I promise!

I'm still reading everyone's entries, so at least there's that. Sorry for the relative radio silence, things will be better in May. 
mousme: A text icon, dark green text on pale green, that reads There is no normal life. There's just life. (No Normal Life)
 I'm still here. Sorry for the radio silence. I had an AMAZING trip, and while I was there I was mostly too busy running around Paris and Edinburgh to actually write about what I was doing, and then I got back and was immediately super depressed about not being in Europe anymore and thus didn't update either.

I promise to try to do better in the future. I go back to work tomorrow, and my levels of "I don't wanna!" have reached the stratosphere by now. I'm also in the throes of trying to find a moving company and packing before the end of the month, and things are a tad stressful right now. I'm hoping to get everything pulled together with

Please let me know if I missed anything super crucial in your lives, LJ!

Oh, also, I am not leaving LJ, but in case it implodes after this latest bit of shady business, you can find me on Dreamwidth under the same name.

Also, for people who are on Twitter, you can find me there as @ratherastory. I tweet quite a lot, and it tends to be in the form of yelling about social justice issues, fandom stuff, and sometimes live tweeting shows or movies. Follow me at your peril! ;)

:::ETA::: Okay, cross-posting from DW appears to have weirdly hard-coded a different font into my post, and I can't fix it. Sorry!


What a week

Mar. 5th, 2017 10:28 pm
mousme: A text icon in black text on yellow that reads The avalanche has started, it is too late for the pebbles to vote (Avalanche)
I've been remiss the past couple of days. There was a lot of running around, birthdays, and an emergency trip to the vet with the dog. I am heading to bed to collapse, and I will update in detail tomorrow. Sergent is sick and in pain, but he's doing better than yesterday, so no need for anyone to worry too much just now.
mousme: A picture of Wol from Winnie the Pooh, holding a note that reads "Gon Out. Backson. Bizy. Backson." (Back Soon)
 Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I got super busy with various commitments and didn't have the time to sit at the computer and compose an entry to talk about all of it. It's been a busy week, and it doesn't look like it's about to get any less busy any time soon.

I visited with L. and J. (well, only L., but I met J. later), the lesbian couple being harassed by their neighbours. They are just the most adorable people, and what they are going through is horrific. It's been taking place for years now, and it's not an exaggeration to say it has ruined their lives. Not permanently, but right now they can't even have a semblance of normalcy. It's not just verbal harassment, either. They've been assaulted on a couple of occasions, and it sounds like the police have been treating this as a neighbour dispute rather than a clear case of harassment/hate crimes. I am livid on their behalf, because it sounds like the entire case has been badly mishandled from the start. Unfortunately, the situation is beyond salvaging now, not without their putting in time and money and energy that they simply don't have, and I don't blame them for not wanting to put up with it any longer. 

We're setting up a tentative schedule for me to go hang out at their house once a week starting in early February (my schedule isn't free until then, unfortunately), and with any luck they'll be able to sell their house soon and move to a place where they can start fresh.

The rest of the week was taken up with cleaning the house, hosting a potluck for the young Quakers, and work. Oh, and making sandwiches for a Quaker wedding today (which I was unable to attend, due to work, alas). It feels like I haven't had a moment to myself all week, which isn't true, since I actually got to stay home most of Wednesday and just chill. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been had I not had at least one day to myself to do not much.

Tomorrow was supposed to be my one day off before I start a week of training, but of course my landlady has decided to make my life hard again. She's insisting on twelve post-dated cheques (and wanted them two weeks before the first of the month, no less!), so I pushed back a little, and so now we're signing a new twelve-month lease. I refuse to give post-dated cheques for a month-to-month lease, and at least this way I'm slightly more protected than before, although it means a commensurate increase in my rent, which is going to hurt. *sigh* I can't win with her, and it means I have to put up with her in my home for an extended amount of time tomorrow, instead while we sign a new lease. Bleh. Still, it could be worse, and I hope it won't take too long.

I'm going to call it an early night tonight. I've poked at my Romanian lessons a bit, and now that I know how to say "cow" I feel like my life is just that bit more complete. ;) Tomorrow I'll go to Meeting, then come back to deal with the landlady, and maybe after that I'll have a bit of peace and quiet before work starts up again on Monday.

I will say that the highlight of today has been watching the Women's Marches taking place all over the world. It gives me hope, even as fascism soars to new heights to the south of us.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (White People)
So, yeah, I really should found that company called "Good Intentions Asphalt and Cement."

I keep telling myself I should update more, and then more life stuff happens, and then I get overwhelmed with how much I'd have to write to get everyone up to speed, and so I just... don't post. Not my most shining moments, let me tell you.

Cut because of triggers for mental illness and weight/body image issues )

Did I tell you my plans of taking dog training courses and eventually opening up my own business? I think I did. Anyway, the first semester is over, and the theory is going really well. The practice? Not so much. We're observing one of the puppy classes (which is going fine), and then doing basic obedience with our own dogs, following the new curriculum. The problem is that poor Sergent's anxiety levels go through the roof when he's in that class. First he has to sit or lie quietly for an hour during the puppy class behind a board so the puppies can't see him, and that stresses him out (because he can hear the high-energy puppies and can't see them and isn't free to move around). By the time obedience class comes around he's a nervous wreck. On several occasions he nearly pulled my shoulder out of its socket trying to get to the exit, poor thing. Of course, when he's that stressed he can't learn, and having him learn is a big part of how I'm being evaluated. So I have no idea if I'm going to pass this class or not. I also need to take Sergent to the vet, because I think the anxiety is making him chew his paws and his side, but I want to make sure it's just that and not a sign of something worse.

If I do pass, I've decided to skip the spring semester and do the fall semester instead. I've found it extremely punishing on my body and my schedule to do these classes, and I could use the break until September. Not to mention the finances. These classes are extremely expensive. In the meantime, I'm going to educate myself on how to start up my own business, and see if it's something I can realistically do.

Anyway, I have to jet to work. See you on the flip side!
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Gone Out)
Life has been a whirlwind of stuff now that I'm back at work full-time, and on meds that seem to be allowing me to have more energy. I've been playing catch-up on life, and it is ridiculously busy as a result.

I have said before that I am not a fan of the Cult of Busyness™ that has infected our culture. I don't like using "busy" as a positive descriptor for myself, as if my levels of productivity are a measure of my worth. Nonetheless, I have a lot of shit to catch up on that I didn't get done while I was recovering from burnout. There have also been landlady and her useless handyman shenanigans, which are both energy draining and time consuming.

In short, I shall endeavour to write a post by the end of this week (so by next Saturday at the latest) in which I shall explain (no, would take too long, let me sum up) everything that's happened since I last posted. Almost all of it is positive, exciting stuff. It has been time-consuming, however, and has kept me even away from Twitter most days, which is where I hang out the most.

There have been finance developments, fitness developments, pet developments, career developments... all sorts of things. For once, the curse of 2016 appears to be lifting for me, though sadly not for many others. Though I haven't been posting, I have been reading faithfully, and I do commiserate with all of you who are having such a rough time of it right now. The good part about burning out this summer is that since I've been on a similar roller coaster before, I kind of knew what to expect, and I knew there would be a light at the end of the tunnel (which wasn't a train), which kept me going pretty steadily. So, that's a useful psychological skillset I wasn't aware I had.

On that note, I have more Things To Do, so I shall see you on the flip side!
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Reason is a Flawed Tool)
i'm averaging one post a month. That's... actually better than what I was managing before, but it's not quite the prolific journaling I had imagined myself doing.

Part of the problem, of course, is that I'm not doing much with my days. The only thing I'd be able to write about is my circular thought patterns, and how many hours of Borderlands 2 I've logged in a day. Not exactly the most exciting or uplifting stuff, you know? I'm still off work, and most of my days are spent puttering around the house, taking the dog for short walks, playing Pokémon (while on said short walks), and bopping from one doctor's appointment to the next.

I used to be a lot more confessional in this journal, but now I feel like I have a weird case of stage fright. It's most likely been brought about by the slew of new people I've added. You all seem really cool and interesting, but I don't know you, and I guess I'm past the point in my life where I feel comfortable sharing the more intimate parts of myself with people I don't know well. Those of you who aren't new to this LJ will doubtless already be well-acquainted with my failings at intimacy, and not be at all surprised. :P

I'm giving therapy another shot, after over 13 years since the last time I did it. The last time was group therapy, and it was an unmitigated disaster. I hated it intensely. I also had a brief few sessions with a student, who upon learning that I'd once dyed my hair green asked me if I'd done it to make myself ugly on purpose (o_O), and also seemed convinced that I couldn't possibly be gay. He had very rigid views about what was and wasn't appropriate, didn't understand much about gender or sexuality outside of cisgendered heteronormativity, and I felt like I was educating him most of the time. It was exhausting.

Anyway, I'm trying again. The new therapist seems nice. She's also a student (I'm going through a program at St. Paul's University), but she seems less horrified by LGBT stuff and geeky things than my previous therapist, by which I mean not at all. I saw her yesterday for the second time, and she asked me how I thought things were going, to which I didn't really have a response. I mean, am I supposed to see major changes after two sessions? I thought this was meant to be a longer process, to be honest. :P We'll see. I'm going to keep with it until the money runs out (some of this is covered by insurance, at least).

I'm off work until August 31st, at which point I'm seeing my doctor, and we'll proceed from there.

I had a really lovely weekend, at least. I went to visit [livejournal.com profile] fearsclave and his lovely wife, and spent two days going on Pokéwalks, having delicious food, learning how to play Go, and fishing. It was awesome, and I wish we could get together more often.

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