Corner of Bourbon & Division

Okay, the title is a lie, but it's been a while since I updated with anything other than whining about the fact that my head hurt. So!

Life has been proceeding apace. While it seems it's a hard winter for everyone (media sources say 70% less sun than the national average this year! GAH!), the St. John's Wort is helping me get up and get out the door every day, and that's a Very Good Thing™.

The rest of my life is being taken up by work and going to the gym, occasionally seeing people (veeeery occasionally, alas), and generally keeping out of trouble.

Supernatural started up again on Thursday with a new episode, and there was much squeeing and bouncing until about the halfway mark of the episode, when it kind of turned a little "meh." Still, it was a pretty decent episode, just not earth-shattering and annoyingly didn't resolve anything at all (I was sort of hoping for progress on a meta level. Oh well. Maybe next time.)

Basically, I've come to the conclusion that I need to just roll with the whole low-energy thing this winter. If that's how it is, that's how it is. I am going to stop feeling as though I'm letting down the universe just because I'm not a whirlwind of sociability. Seriously, Phnee, the universe will survive just fine without you there to prop it up. :P

So I'm doing the bare minimum to keep functioning and keep myself in a good headspace. I get plenty of sleep, see friends when I can (all alone time and no friends makes Phnee go crazy!), and go to the gym. The gym is a two-fold blessing: 1) regular exercise helps keep me on an even keel, and 2) I am doing SUPER well. I can totally bench press 100lbs now, and I am SO PROUD!

The cats have been like VELCRO lately. I've had a bit of extra time off from work (long story, don't ask, and I'm totally paying for it in February), and when I'm home they glom onto me like alien face huggers. Especially Pan-Pan, who has been doing his level best to actually graft himself to my person. It's been a painful if very loving experience.

Yeah, that's about it. I've been reading e.e. cummings and fanfic, and am contemplating picking up the latest Harry Dresden novel sooner rather than later. It ought to be in paperback by now, if memory serves. Part of me is considering picking up a big juicy classic in February, too, if only for a change of pace away from genre fiction.

So, how's everyone been?

So November is continuing right on until Christmas this year, it seems. I want to complain to management, except I keep getting put on hold with horrific Christmas music on loop.

[Poll #1500394]

November is kicking my ass.

I didn't really notice because I was trying to keep busy, but this week between the new schedule, night shift, and George going AWOL for so long, it kind of all came down like the proverbial ton of bricks.

If you need me, I will be hiding under the nearest available rock.

Apologies to people waiting on a NaNo update from me. I'll get to it, I swear, even if it looks like I won't hit 50K. Right now, it just doesn't feel that important.

I am grumpy. Luckily I'm working with Hottie!Coworker, who is also super super nice, and it's not too busy. Thus my mood has improved slightly.

Got a long day ahead of me, though.

:::ETA:::

Apparently it is so early that I missed the fact that I made a typo in my subject line. *sigh*

I'm overtired and haven't had enough sunlight lately. Part of this is my own fault. Part of this is working night shift.

In spite of my efforts to keep my posts light-hearted and positive, I've been dealing with a good dose of low-level anxiety of late. Part of this is seasonal, part of it is due to what's going on politically (nothing like having the government disintegrate during a time of economic crisis, and having there be a good chance of the whole separatism thing starting up again: 'cause what we really need is to beat that dead horse in order to make sure it's really dead).

And part of it is my own damned fault. I kind of ran into some minor financial snags lately. This is nothing, I hasten to add. It's just some poor planning on my part, and is nowhere near doing anything but causing me some mild inconvenience for the next few weeks. My reaction, on the other hand, has been nothing short of breathtakingly over the top about this.

For those of you who are new to this LJ (two years or less), the thing you have to understand is that this whole "financial stability" thing is still pretty new to me. I used to live paycheque to paycheque, and for a very long time there was always a lot of month left at the end of the money. I wrecked my credit during that time, partly because I had no money and partly because I was incapable of managing what little money I did have. This created constant, gut-ripping anxiety on my part (spiced up with the occasional panic attack).

So this latest snag? Objectively, I know I'll be fine. I need to be a bit careful for the next thirty days, but it's not going to prevent me from paying my bills or eating. It means that it's a damned good thing I decided not to buy Christmas presents for anyone except my parents and BorderCrossing this year, and it also means that I'm likely not going to buy any more Christmas decorations than the ones I already have.

Emotionally, it's doing a number on my headspace. The irrational part of me is suddenly convinced that I'm back on the slippery slope to being constantly in the red, to having to watch my bank balance like a hawk and sending up a prayer every time I buy groceries so that my transaction doesn't get refused.

So, anyway, no happy-fluffy entry from me right now. I'm okay, but I've been better. Knowing that probably 95% of everyone else out there has it worse than me is somehow not a comfort.

I am inexplicably down today. I'm not sure why (hence "inexplicably"). I got plenty of sleep last night (once again, a "quick nap" lasted much longer than I anticipated), so it can't be that I'm overtired. I'm tired, yes, but reasonably well-rested for now. I had breakfast, so I doubt that it's low blood sugar. My fundraising campaign is going well, so it can't be that. It could be generalized anxiety about the metric assload of things I have to do before I leave. Maybe.

The Giant Admin Task Of Doom is looming again. I'm supposed to be creating a huge pdf document with all the OCC procedures in it, except that I have no idea how to tackle it. It's like trying to eat an elephant: I know I have to eat it one bite at a time, but which end am I supposed to start with?

Mnyeh.

I am pulling a double shift today. That means no Hump Night at Hurley's. Boo. Instead I will be at work, watching the French-language leaders' debate on TV in between calls. I expect it will be excruciating and possibly embarrassing at times.

Tomorrow is the English-language leaders' debate, at the same time as the VP debate in the U.S. I will confess to being torn. As a good Canadian citizen, I feel a certain moral and civic obligation to watch our own debate. OTOH, the U.S. is gearing up for what looks to be a historic election (I gotta say that this Canadian election is going to be anything but historic), and I want to watch the VP debate out of sheer shadenfreude for the brilliant train wreck that it promises to be. "Good ole boy" Joe Biden vs "I-can-see-Russia-from-my-house!" Sarah Palin. I mean, "trainwreck" doesn't even begin to describe the full potential of this debate. Whoever wins it will do so by a landslide: there's no way for this not to be polarizing. Compare that to the ho-hum drudgery of watching our four charismatically-challenged candidates argue unconvincingly about the environment, and you can see why I'm torn about this.

Hm. My mood just got better. Also inexplicably. Maybe I need to think about Sarah Palin more: the humour in the situation never fails to cheer me up. Mind you, if she and McCain win, I may end up depressed for another four years. :P

Miaow!

I'm having a bad morning. Some of it is carry-over from the work-related suck. Some of it is because yesterday was really hectic and tiring. Some of it is because I haven't slept well since Friday.

Now it's a quarter past ten, and I have to leave in about an hour and I'm nowhere near done with all the things I wanted to do today.

Miaow!

I. give. right. the fuck. up.

*cries*


There seems to be some kind of major fucking law in the universe that states "Phnee's life shall never go smoothly. There must always be a source of stress of some kind."

I'm going to bed right after this, promise.

Very fun and productive writing jam with toughlovemuse tonight. One day she will learn not to be polite with me and tell me to shut up when she needs to concentrate. ;) However, I got a fair bit of writing done on my swan story (which still doesn't have a title), and the macaroni and cheese was delicious. Not to mention that chibipunkdemon (at the behest of his lovely wife) made the ultimate sacrifice and went out to the store to buy Fig Newtons. They only had Date Newtons apparently, but it was close enough. Clearly, toughlovemuse has lucked out in her choice of husbands.

The CAM is driving me batshit. 'Nuff said.


My sleep patterns have gone all wonky. Mostly I've been having annoying panic attacks in the middle of the night which prevent me from sleeping properly. I sort of almost wake up, gripped with [insert completely stupid and irrational fear here| and still halfway dreaming, and I stay that way for anywhere from thirty seconds to twenty minutes, until I can wake myself up completely. Then I have to get myself back to sleep properly. Lather, rinse, repeat. Repeat that two or three times a night, and you have yourself some pretty damned broken sleep.

Up until today I was functioning pretty well, but at work today I noticed that my mood swung severely into the "cranky" zone. I was planning on taking a Seroquel tonight, which my meds doc told me I should do if my sleep ever gets way out of whack again, but it tends to knock me out for a very long time, and I got home late tonight. So, rather than either oversleep tomorrow or else be a zombie all day, I shall cross my fingers and hope for a good night's sleep, and if not I shall take the Seroquel tomorrow night.

In other news, I am enjoying "A Feast For Crows" a good deal, although so far I am missing some of my favourite characters, aned other characters I don't care about as much, but about whom I'd still like to hear. Tyrion and Bran and Daenerys and all those folk. I wonder if they'll be in the other half of the book that didn't get published. I really like poor Podrik Payne. He breaks my heart.

Okay. I had more to say, but my brain is melting. Bed.

Insomnia sucks.

Bouncing randomly off walls all day and into the night. Overslept this morning, although I only got about three hours' sleep. Maybe less. Broken sleep. Yay.

It's three o'clock in the morning. Do you know where your sleep patterns are?

Can't blame it on the coffee. Had that this morning. Three cups. Three cups of coffee. Three hours of sleep. Balance. Or lack thereof. Whee! Definitely not the coffee. Can't possibly last that long in one's system, can it? Last cup was at ten o'clock. Seventeen hours ago. Definitely not the coffee.

Hey, stream-of-consciousness posting! Whee! Should that be hyphenated? Don't know. I ought to know. Don't recall. Not important right now. It's my LJ and I'll hyphenate random words if I want to.

Been watching Dead Like Me. Note to self: watching shows about death and the afterlife (or lack thereof) when dealing with insomnia is baaaaad. Too much thinking involved. Funny that. Thinking about stuff just because you watch a tv show. Most people don't. Think, that is. Thinking about stuff/things/whatever/insert generic word here/yay just because they watched a random program on television.

Not that I've been watching it on television, mind. It's on at stupidass o'clock on Sundays, along with Slings & Arrows which comes right afterward, which means I'm never near a tv with cable in order to watch it. But I found it at my local Videotron place where I can rent three old DVDs (and by old I mean not all that old but not a new release) for somewhere along the lines of five dollars, and who am I to say no to something like twelve straight hours of television for five bucks? Beats cable any day.

No commercials, for one thing. Commercials are fucking stupid. People who come up with commercials think viewers are idiots, and treat them accordingly. Makes me want to scream at the television. Do enough screaming at the television during the programs, for different reasons. So, no shouting during commercials. I turn off the sound.

I ought to go to bed. I mean, try to sleep, that is. Technically I'm already in bed. Laptops are teh awesome. Thing is, I'm halfway tempted to just say "Fuck it" and stay awake the remaining three or so hours before I have to get up again to go to work. Three and a half? Maybe four. I can usually get away with sleeping until seven, even if it means I have to run like a running thing.

If I go to sleep now (all very theoretical at this point), I'll very likely oversleep. Same as yesterday. Sleeping patterns fucked all to hell. I have to stop watching that show: it's making my language foul. Gotta watch it, or I'll start swearing at work, and where will that get me? Don't want to oversleep: I have to wash my hair in the morning, and I can't do that if I'm asleep. Hair stays disgusting if I oversleep.

On the other hand, band practice in the evening. The question is, if I'm sleep-deprived, what happens? Either I'll be a zombie, or I'll be a spastic mess. Either way, badness.

Forgot to buy applesauce for my lunches at work. Not the end of the world, but still annoying. Lots of other stuff to talk about, too. Work stuff, cat stuff, band stuff, even television and movie stuff. Not tonight, though. Another time. Maybe never, knowing me. Flakey!Phnee is the name of the game right now. At least when it comes to my own affairs. Been trying to stay on top of my phone messages, but that's not really happening. Not on top of my emails, either. I've read them all, am behind on answering them. Bad, bad Phnee.

Work on the other hand is going swimmingly. L should totally develop tendonitis more often. I kicked the ass of the filing and took names. I now officially have no filing left until someone dumps more on my desk tomorrow, which I'm sure will happen. I've put out more fires and dealt with new and emergency situations, and I still have three days left all on my own. In short, I rock like a rocking thing. Or file like a filing thing. Can one file like a rocking thing? Why the hell not? I am The Rocking Thing, and since I file, I assume anyone could file like me and thus file like a rockin thing.

Should definitely be going to bed. Sleep, bed, whatever. Something involving not being awake.


The girl who plays Kaylee had a guest role on Dead Like Me playing a punk girl in a music store. It felt almost wrong to hear her say "Fuck." I was amused, randomly.


Started writing that story that's been rattling around in my head today, finally. Been meaning to get to it since November. Finding it hard to get the voice of the narrator just right. He sounds too old: he's supposed to be eleven and he sounds like he's, well, my age. Not good. It'll come. I figured out his name, though, after all this time, and his brother's. He had no name for the longest time until I finally figured out that his parents were Steinbeck fans. And suddenly this huge facet of character motivation fell into place. I love it when that happens.

Lots of writing projects to work on. Beyond the Pale is coming along nicely. I have to rewrite Into Temptation, which I really don't want to do, having put in all that effort in November, but it needs to be done. *sigh*

Fuck it. Bed. Sleep. Lack of sleep. Whatever. Tossing and turning in the dark at least gets points for effort, right? Right. Going now. Ta!