Corner of Bourbon & Division

It's snowing out. Again.

I have been sitting on my sofa all day with George curled up next to me. Every so often he rolls over and demands that I rub his belly.

I'm re-watching "Supernatural," because I am just that obsessed. It's still making me giggle and cringe and worry about the characters. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of shows that have been able to do that for me a second time around ("The Pretender" is one of them, for the record).

In short: snowy day, purring cats, good TV.

Yeah, life is rough.


( S.A.D. stuff behind the cut. The short version is: Phnee is taking St. John's Wort and things are better. )

So, yeah. Doing better. It's not exactly unicorns pissing rainbows and butterflies, but it's better.

Maybe later on I'll get around to posting the usual memes I do around this time of year, start making plans, which is what I always do around my birthday.

Good times.

Happy trails, all!

Apart from this morning, which I spent sprinting for the bus, I usually like to walk in a leisurely fashion to the bus stop, taking in the scenery. It's been especially interesting this year, because I've been able to see the gradual change of the seasons even better than usual due to the early work hours I have when I'm on day shift.

This summer I became accustomed to walking in the glow of the pre-dawn, and as the days began to grow short once more, I began pinpointing first individual stars, and then entire constellations in the morning sky. On a clear morning, I could see Orion and the Big Dipper, and what I think might be Cassiopeia (I can't figure out for the life of me how to spell that this morning). I am not an avid star-gazer: I don't know the names of the constellations except for two or three, and I can identify one planet with a little difficulty (Mars, in case you were wondering), but I do love looking up at the sky and seeing it blanketed in small lights. It gives me great pleasure that the light pollution in Montreal isn't so bad that it blots out all the stars.

In the afternoons this summer I took a little more time to look at the trees on my street. I am fortunate enough to live in a neighbourhood with lots of greenery, which makes living in the city that much more bearable. There is something terrifically restful about watching the way the sunlight hits the green leaves (while my brain shouts "Photosynthesis for the win!" gleefully at the top of its very metaphorical lungs, because I'm a dork). Sometimes it's so beautiful it takes my breath away.

Yesterday morning an oddly-shaped cat slunk across the sidewalk into some tall grass about fifty yards ahead of me. I thought to myself: "Every time I think something is an oddly-shaped cat, it turns out to be a raccoon or a skunk." Sure enough, this one was a skunk, but instead of slinking into the underbrush, it turned at a right angle and began trundling rapidly along the sidewalk just ahead of me. That's when I discovered that I walk faster than the average skunk (or maybe just this one skunk), and got very very worried that I would get sprayed if I got too close. Eventually, when the skunk showed no sign of leaving the sidewalk, I compromised by switching to the other side of the street.

In short, a lot of little things come to my attention when I'm walking along my street. The flora, the fauna, the new bits of graffiti, what my neighbours are up to. I don't know why I've been paying extra attention to it all this year, but it's been a rewarding experience, overall.

The Mystery Tired(TM) has returned. I have spent the last week or so (starting about 36 hours after I got back from the Godforsaken Howling Wilderness) being unreasonably tired and out of sorts, despite getting enough sleep for the most part.

I think I know what it is, though. I had it last year starting around this time, and I think it was present the year before, at the same time as well.

You know what that means?

It means that November for me really starts in September. What a depressing thought. ;)

I shall try to spend more time outdoors in the next few days, and see if being in the daylight/sunlight has any major effect on my energy levels.

It SNOWED today! Yippee!

Large, fluffy, happy flakes.

Winter is finally here. I'm hoping for BUCKETS of snow. Heaps and mounds and giant snowbanks everywhere. I don't care if I get snow in my boots and down my collar and the streets turn into raging rivers of freezing slush. It's winter, and this is my time of year. I want heaps of snow all through December, and then weather so cold in January and February that they feel it in the lowest regions of hell: cold, crisp, and sunny, and with three feet of snow cover.

I am looking forward to snowshoeing this year. None of this stupid waiting until after Christmas for snow, and none of this stupid rain-in-January business.

I'm SO happy there was snow today, I can't begin to express it. I actually did a little jig of happiness today.

I think I'm going to declare tomorrow a Mental Health Day.

I've had a better November than I'm used to having, but it's been hard regardless. Also, this stupid migraine won't go away. It recedes for a while, usually around the afternoon, and then comes back in full force in the evenings. It's a good thing I've learned to keep functioning even when they hit.

So I came to my parents' apartment this evening to do my weekly round of watering the plants and watching a bit of television, and to catch up on NaNoWriMo. I only have 2,289 words to write before I hit 50,000. No problem, right? Wrong.

I got no writing done at all. I'm not worried about that. 2,000 words in three days is nothing. I'll do it tomorrow. I got 3,000-odd words written this afternoon. NaNo will be fine.

I decided to make tomorrow a Mental Health Day because the end of Cold Case Files made me sob uncontrollably for ten minutes. That's a pretty clear sign that I need some time off. For one thing, the people on that show for the most part couldn't act their way out of a wet paper bag. It just pushed all of my buttons and suddenly I wanted my mommy and she won't be home until Wednesday and it was all too much. So, yeah. Mental Health Day. I'm going to get some sleep, so a bit of writing, and sleep some more.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a bit of a mess. I hadn't realized quite how much of a mess I was until I got here. It's taking every ounce of strength just to keep smiling and to be pleasant with people. I saw five people today, and I think I ended up snapping at four of them. (*waves to friends* If I snapped, I didn't mean it...)

I'm taking everything that people say the wrong way, even when the rational part of my brain knows that whatever I think they said isn't really what they said. It's very frustrating. If a friend says "I'm feeling lonely," my brain hears "You're never here for me and you're a bad friend." If someone says "I liked what you wrote in that one piece a while back," I hear "Most of your writing sucks but I don't want to tell you so I'm picking out the one positive thing I can think of so as not to hurt your feelings." If someone says "I posted about [issue] on the board today," I hear "You're not making enough of an effort to keep up to speed."

I'd like to know where the hell I got these broken filters and whether I can get a refund.

I don't know whether to be happy or sad that November is over. Sure, the NaNoWriMo related stress will be over, but I keep wondering if NaNo isn't actually keeping me sane by preventing me from thinking of other stuff. I guess we'll find out. Stay tuned for the next thrilling instalment in this chronicle.

I'd forgotten what this time of year does to me. I mostly managed to avoid it last year by being insanely busy at Erb.

I really, really wish I had the luxury of falling apart right now. However, if I fall apart what little of my life I have together will go to shit. I have responsibilities, which I'm trying very hard to meet, and cats to feed, and people to answer to.

So I'll just tear my fingernails hanging onto the rocks.


Comments disabled, because otherwise the pity party will become unmanageable. :P