It must be near November
Oct. 26th, 2005 12:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeThis is stream-of-consciousness whingeing. You've been warned.
I'm coming apart at the seams.
I keep having to bite my tongue so as not to scream at people, and what would normally be minor annoyances that I might not even notice make me want to throw heavy things at people's heads.
I don't want to be the kind of person who throws screaming fits. I never was, until a few years ago. Even then, I found outlets for my frustration with myself and the universe that didn't involve hurting other people. I don't have those outlets anymore, even though I theoretically have other, better ways of coping.
It occurs to me at times like this that I don't really cope all that well with stupid stuff that wouldn't stress a normal person. It always feels like a slap in the face, a reminder that I'm broken and always will be broken, even when I'm a good girl and take my meds and get enough sleep and eat regularly and do all the stupid crap that prevents me from completely losing my mind.
On some days, it seems easier to just lose my mind and be done with it. Then the responsible part of me points out that if I do that, then I'll be saddling everyone else with my problems. There's several more months of rent to be paid, I owe money in quite a few places, there's the cats to consider, the car to dispose of... basically, I'd be an even worse person than I am now, just for allowing whatever's going on in my head to show on the outside.
So for the moment, the way I have been for going on two years now, I'm going to shove whatever stupid issues I have aside, to the back of my brain, and let them simmer some more. I figure that they've stayed there long enough to have made themselves at home, so let them stay even longer. I don't care anymore.
I need a break. A long break. I'm not going to get one, so I should stop harping on that, I know, but it's hard to let go of the idea that after nearly six years without a single goddamned holiday (I mean one that lasts more than three days, most of which involved evil amounts of driving), I might be able to get some time off. Paid time off, even. Yes, I realize that I was unemployed (doing contract work) during ten months, but I'm not counting that. If you feel I should count that as a holiday (in spite of the stress of no money, the inability to move out of my apartment, and the fun period of depression that accompanied it), then please for fuck's sake keep your opinion to yourself, I don't want it.
A quick mental calculation has revealed that, even if I am hired at the end of November, that means I'll get four (count them, four) days of paid vacation time in January of 2007.
I can hardly wait.
/end whinge.
P. S. My apologies in advance if I snarl at you at any time during the next few weeks. I'll probably apologize afterward, too. I swear I'll be trying hard not to, but I can't guarantee anything.
I'm coming apart at the seams.
I keep having to bite my tongue so as not to scream at people, and what would normally be minor annoyances that I might not even notice make me want to throw heavy things at people's heads.
I don't want to be the kind of person who throws screaming fits. I never was, until a few years ago. Even then, I found outlets for my frustration with myself and the universe that didn't involve hurting other people. I don't have those outlets anymore, even though I theoretically have other, better ways of coping.
It occurs to me at times like this that I don't really cope all that well with stupid stuff that wouldn't stress a normal person. It always feels like a slap in the face, a reminder that I'm broken and always will be broken, even when I'm a good girl and take my meds and get enough sleep and eat regularly and do all the stupid crap that prevents me from completely losing my mind.
On some days, it seems easier to just lose my mind and be done with it. Then the responsible part of me points out that if I do that, then I'll be saddling everyone else with my problems. There's several more months of rent to be paid, I owe money in quite a few places, there's the cats to consider, the car to dispose of... basically, I'd be an even worse person than I am now, just for allowing whatever's going on in my head to show on the outside.
So for the moment, the way I have been for going on two years now, I'm going to shove whatever stupid issues I have aside, to the back of my brain, and let them simmer some more. I figure that they've stayed there long enough to have made themselves at home, so let them stay even longer. I don't care anymore.
I need a break. A long break. I'm not going to get one, so I should stop harping on that, I know, but it's hard to let go of the idea that after nearly six years without a single goddamned holiday (I mean one that lasts more than three days, most of which involved evil amounts of driving), I might be able to get some time off. Paid time off, even. Yes, I realize that I was unemployed (doing contract work) during ten months, but I'm not counting that. If you feel I should count that as a holiday (in spite of the stress of no money, the inability to move out of my apartment, and the fun period of depression that accompanied it), then please for fuck's sake keep your opinion to yourself, I don't want it.
A quick mental calculation has revealed that, even if I am hired at the end of November, that means I'll get four (count them, four) days of paid vacation time in January of 2007.
I can hardly wait.
/end whinge.
P. S. My apologies in advance if I snarl at you at any time during the next few weeks. I'll probably apologize afterward, too. I swear I'll be trying hard not to, but I can't guarantee anything.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 04:52 pm (UTC)I can let you cry on my shoulder if that helps. It doesn't actually solve anything but the fact that there's a shoulder there somehow makes it all seem... mildly more survivable.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 05:20 pm (UTC)I can totally relate to the whole having responsibilities and not being allowed to have a complete mental break down thing. Totally.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 05:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 06:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 08:31 pm (UTC)Seriously, I agree with the outlet for your anger and frustration thing.
By the way, you should normally get one day off per month of work, up to 10 days (2 weeks); if that is not in your agreement, you should definitely ask for it. Being employed full time includes 2 weeks of vacation in your first year. I was able to take vacation time to handle the Gathering even if I was in my first year of employment, because I had accumulated *counts* from the beginning of February to the end of July, so 6 months -- I got my 6 days.
Unless they count paid vacation days on the statuatory holidays...
In any case, the rule of a day a month is valid. Look it up.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 08:47 pm (UTC)Yep. They count as of May of whatever year you're in. So if I start in December, that's four months of employment, which translates into four days. Then I have to wait until the next vacation period, which means waiting until January 2007.
They've got this down to a science.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 06:08 pm (UTC)If it makes you feel ANY better... I'm about 1 month ahead of you, but still have the 'no paid vacation beyond holidays' either.
My last legit vacation? (not counting 2 day weekend trips to another city, which don't really count) December 2003.
*HUGS* Ever need to talk? Call my cel. I can and will call you back.
C.
no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 06:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-26 07:05 pm (UTC)