mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (I amaze myself)
Apart from this morning, which I spent sprinting for the bus, I usually like to walk in a leisurely fashion to the bus stop, taking in the scenery. It's been especially interesting this year, because I've been able to see the gradual change of the seasons even better than usual due to the early work hours I have when I'm on day shift.

This summer I became accustomed to walking in the glow of the pre-dawn, and as the days began to grow short once more, I began pinpointing first individual stars, and then entire constellations in the morning sky. On a clear morning, I could see Orion and the Big Dipper, and what I think might be Cassiopeia (I can't figure out for the life of me how to spell that this morning). I am not an avid star-gazer: I don't know the names of the constellations except for two or three, and I can identify one planet with a little difficulty (Mars, in case you were wondering), but I do love looking up at the sky and seeing it blanketed in small lights. It gives me great pleasure that the light pollution in Montreal isn't so bad that it blots out all the stars.

In the afternoons this summer I took a little more time to look at the trees on my street. I am fortunate enough to live in a neighbourhood with lots of greenery, which makes living in the city that much more bearable. There is something terrifically restful about watching the way the sunlight hits the green leaves (while my brain shouts "Photosynthesis for the win!" gleefully at the top of its very metaphorical lungs, because I'm a dork). Sometimes it's so beautiful it takes my breath away.

Yesterday morning an oddly-shaped cat slunk across the sidewalk into some tall grass about fifty yards ahead of me. I thought to myself: "Every time I think something is an oddly-shaped cat, it turns out to be a raccoon or a skunk." Sure enough, this one was a skunk, but instead of slinking into the underbrush, it turned at a right angle and began trundling rapidly along the sidewalk just ahead of me. That's when I discovered that I walk faster than the average skunk (or maybe just this one skunk), and got very very worried that I would get sprayed if I got too close. Eventually, when the skunk showed no sign of leaving the sidewalk, I compromised by switching to the other side of the street.

In short, a lot of little things come to my attention when I'm walking along my street. The flora, the fauna, the new bits of graffiti, what my neighbours are up to. I don't know why I've been paying extra attention to it all this year, but it's been a rewarding experience, overall.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Revelation)
Minor epiphanies are great, as long as they happen at convenient times.

I've been wondering lately why this latent sense of dissatisfaction with my life has been following me around. I have a pretty good job (frustrations with certain aspects of it aside), prospects for another really good job, and for the first time in, oh, about five years, I'm not worried about money.

So what's the problem? That's what I was asking myself. I haven't been writing, the apartment is not clean (*sigh*), and I've mostly gone into hermit mode except for long-standing commitments.

I think I've figured out at least part of it: things are going too well. Yes, yes, I know, poor me. That's just the thing, though: for the past, oh, eight or ten years, something has *always* been going wrong for me. Sometimes it was small stuff, a lot of it was financial suck, and a lot of it was getting over being crazy. I learned how to exist in survival mode only. The only way I know how to keep myself together is if there's an actual crisis (whether real or in my head), and I can therefore say to myself: "Self, you have to hold yourself together until this crisis is over."

So now that there's no crisis, my head is happily helping me to create some artificial ones ("The apartment isn't clean! Oh noes! Whatever shall we do?" "Oh noes! There's no writing happening!"), and engaging in the subtle-but-happy art of self-sabotage. So I accidentally forget to plug in my phone when I'm expecting an important phone call, or "forget" to make other important phone calls, or I procrastinate on sending out important documents. It's like I don't want to be fulfilled, because then I would lose all my coping mechanisms.

...

Y'know, on paper (or on the screen, as it happens), that looks a lot more screwed up than I thought.

Anyway, minor epiphany for Phnee. Now I just have to figure out how to fix this stupid problem I've created whholesale out of thin air.
mousme: A view of a woman's legs from behind, wearing knee-high rainbow socks. The rest of the picture is black and white. (Forest)
Colour me stunned.

Every now and then I have minor epiphanies about myself and the way I'm leading my existence. This one came about when someone on a forum I frequent posted one of those ubiquitous "self-analysis workshop" things, this one being, IIRC, "Your Best Year Yet." Whatever. They're a dime a dozen, and are only moderately useful as far as I'm concerned.

This one proved to be no exception, except for one thing: it asked me to verbalize all the limiting thoughts/paradigms I impose on myself that keep me from [insert jargon here] being all I can be, or whatever.

So the usual ones came up: what if I fail?, etc. Nothing new there. Second-Guessing Self is a skill I have in spades.


And then this little thought cropped up:


I'm not important.


...


Excuse me, WHAT?

Dude, I thought I got rid of that one YEARS ago. What the hell is it doing coming back ten years later?


*sigh*

Two steps forward, one step back... Back to the drawing board.

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