Corner of Bourbon & Division

I've been going out on Pokéwalks again, which has been both a challenge and very nice. I'm not particularly physically active these days, and the less active I am, the less inclined I am to be active. It also means that when I get out there, my body doesn't respond the way I want it to (because I've lost all the muscle and endurance I built up years ago), and I get discouraged all over again. It's a vicious cycle.

So I've been trying to prod myself out the door for Pokémon, at least. I stopped for nearly ten days, but picked it up again after last weekend, which I spent with fearsclave wandering about, collecting Pokémon and exploring the adorable little town he lives in. I'm very jealous of his town, for the record. He essentially lives in Eureka, full of scientists and lovely houses, surrounded by the Canadian countryside in its full Group of Seven glory. If I win the lottery, I am moving there.

I've been getting out more, and trying to work through my feelings of frustration at not being able to walk as far or as fast as I used to. One one of my jaunts with fearsclave I caught a Pikachu, which was very rewarding (I'd not seen one out in the wild before), as well as a couple of other new Pokémon. Then during my walks this week I hatched a few new Pokémon as well, so I'm feeling accomplished. My new goal is to collect a bunch of common Pokémon and use them (and a lucky egg) to grind for XP a bit. I've fallen behind due to letting the game lapse for so long, and as a result I'm 10-13 levels behind the local players, which makes doing things in the Pokémon gyms incredibly difficult, if not nearly impossible. So the plan is to try to level up, so as to level the playing field a bit (pun totally intended).

The poor dog was so excited to go for a walk with me today, but after an hour in the heat he'd changed his tune considerably. It went from "Oh boy, we're going for a walk! Come on, come on, let's go! I don't want to wait for you to lock the door!" to "Fuck you and the Pokémon you rode in on!" pretty quickly. XD


Of course, when I don't take him with me, I get a look like this:

Oy. I arrived at the gym in time fore my appointment, only to be met with puzzled stares: turns out my appointment was yesterday. :::headdesk::: Agenda-checking fail. :P

Otherwise, there's not much to report so far today. The weather is glorious, I'm stuck at work, and things are chugging along.

bodhifox has been writing things that are making me think, damn him. ;) The entry is locked, so I won't copy what he wrote, but it echoed what I've been feeling on a subconscious level, that it seems like all the important things in my life (my friends, my writing, my garden, my cooking, my desire to feel fulfilled by what I do) are being subsumed by things which are... less important than that.

( In which Phnee tries to examine what it means to be a work in progress )

Anyway, the short version is that I am the product of eighteen years of on-and-off consciously changing who I am. In some ways, I am exactly the same person I was as a small child: by nature optimistic, quick to smile, less quick to talk in social situations, in love with nature even if I don't understand it, quick to trust, slow to forgive, possibly a little too open for my own good. In all the ways that count, I am still me.

In essence, I have never found it entirely impossible to change an aspect of myself that I didn't like, within reasonable limits. I am no stranger to self-examination, and I am pretty lucid about what makes me tick. The fact that I am aware of all my neuroses doesn't make them go away magically, but at least it means I can bring them out into the harsh light of day, and ignore them as best I can when they threaten to interfere with how I want to live my life.

Getting back to what sparked this, I am in the midst of changing things again, and this time I think the changes might not be small at all. As usual, I am not especially good with change: it makes me intensely uncomfortable and makes me want to run and hide under my bedclothes. Luckily I have lots of experience to tell me that change is usually beneficial, so I'm going to forge ahead. I have no idea if it'll work, but if it does, you'll be the first to know. :)

Getting up on time is getting increasingly hard to do. I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that I've been getting to bed quite late. :P

Anyway, I had dinner with the Parental Units last night. The Paternal Unit's university is on strike for a week —the professors, not the students for once— and so he brought his computer home to work on it. I showed him how to sneak onto the neighbours' unprotected network (hee hee hee!), and he was thrilled, because he's not allowed to go into the office all week. He thinks the strike is stupid and ridiculous, but since the union voted on it he has no choice.

Today I am off to the gym again! I don't especially feel like going, but it's good for me. :P

In other news, the price of cat food jumped by about 30% since the last time I bought some, which was before Christmas. I'd been making a habit of buying several bags at once so I don't have to constantly buy any. It was $16.99 for a large bag before, and now it's $21.99. I am peeved, and will be checking other stores to see if this is representative of prices everywhere.

So that's about it for today. The dishwasher is running, I have yet to make my lunch or get ready to go, but I have about an hour before I have to leave, so it's not so bad.

It's Monday. I have to go to work this afternoon, and before that I am heading out to... *gasp* the gym! Yes, Phnee is working on getting herself into shape. Note that I did not say "back into shape." There is no "back," here, as I don't think I've ever been in what one could qualify as "good shape." Still, no time like the present, right? Right.

After that I'm heading to work, and thence homeward once more. Ain't my life thrilling? :)

I've been reading some novels, a bunch of YA stuff ("Inkheart," "The Tale of Despereaux"), and generally being quiet. Work is going to be interesting this week, but at least Piñata!Supervisor isn't going to be there, as I believe he's on vacation (again) for two weeks. Maybe it'll prevent me from beating him to death with a keyboard.

I'm off to have breakfast, do my dishes, and get my day started. The nice part about working evening shift is that I can sleep in a bit in the mornings. Today I got up at eight, puttered for a bit, and then went back to bed.

Had some pretty anxiety-filled dreams, sadly, most of which I can't remember. I remember that I was on a trip out of town, and that I was staying with a large family who played water polo (no, don't ask). The cats were with me for some reason, and on the day I was meant to come home I awoke to find that George had vomited all over the bed and all over me, which meant I would have tons of laundry to do (it was dream-vomit, which meant it really was everywhere, in giant puddles, but didn't actually look like cat vomit, so again, I entreat you not to ask, it was just weird). Then when I was out —avoiding the laundry, most likely— the place where I was staying suffered from some sort of attack. It was something like a bomb, or a suicide bomber, or something. No real casualties, but a lot of property damage, and I remember realizing that I was going to miss my flight home, which is when I awoke.

Water polo, cat vomit, and suicide bombs. Not too shabby, Subconscious. :P

Work has eaten my brain. That was to be expected, really, but I'd forgotten just how much a new job can take out of you the first few weeks.

There was a lot of administrative stuff to go through, even today, and it's not over yet. God bless the federal government, but they sure do produce massive amounts of paperwork.

Everyone has been super super nice so far. It's a refreshing change from the old place. If ever I get my energy back, I will post in more detail than this. Not that much detail, because of the whole national security thing, but more detail than this. You might think I'm kidding about the national security thing, but I'm not. I just spent two hours today learning how to send top-secret encrypted faxes. It's a lot less glamorous than it sounds. :P

My co-worker, C (I will eventually figure out a proper nickname for her here), has decided that I'm going to be her gym buddy while we're at the RCMP. She's a bit of a fitness freak, and is trying to become a regular member of the RCMP (one of the ones who gets to wear the red serge, that is). Since we have a gym in the building, it's hard to justify not using it. So I bought a gym bag at Canadian Tire and I'll be joining her tomorrow after work. It's good for me, right?

I think I shall splurge this weekend and pick up that bread maker that's on sale. I have heard good reviews so far, and what with the price of even el cheapo generic bread skyrocketing, I think it may well be a worthwhile investment. We shall see.

I was going to post more, but my brain just went on strike and refuses to remember what I wanted to say. I guess it'll have to wait.

There must be some way to organize myself in such a way that I can go to the gym the way I'd planned. I am definitely going to yoga today, but I ended up not going to do the first part of my workout yesterday, and while I thought I could do it before yoga today, looking at my watch now it doesn't look like I'll have time for that.

I feel very guilty for not going more often. I asked for this for Christmas, and I want to go. I just can't get myself out of bed at an hour in the mornings which would make that feasible and still get all the other stuff done that I need to do. In order to do everything I need to do in the morning and still go to the gym, I'd probably have to get up around 7am. Right now, if I'm lucky, I get up at eight. Usually it's closer to eight thirty, and I wander through the morning feeling as though I'm wading through molasses.

Then I tidy up, feed the cats, run my errands, and suddenly it's time to go to work.

I don't have time on the weekends. Sunday mornings are taken up with a meeting, Sunday afternoons are blocked off for gaming, Sunday evenings are reserved for my parents. Saturday morning and early afternoon is band practice, which essentially cuts my day in half, makes me have to write off my morning, and leaves me with part of Saturday afternoon and Saturday evening free. Saturday afternoons and evenings are my only time off in the week, the only time I ever get to see my friends, and I don't especially relish the idea of sacrificing that in order to go work out, as silly and selfish as that may sound.

So that leaves me with no time to myself at all, and even less time to go to the gym. My parents paid for it, it was a present, I want to go, and I don't want them to feel as though they paid all that money only to have me ignore it. That's not it at all, and I really don't need the extra guilt these days. It's not like I don't walk around with enough of it to begin with.

I don't know what to do about this anymore. I'd try to buddy up with someone as a way to force myself, but most of the people I know have lives and aren't going to the gym in the middle of the morning. They go when normal people go, in the evenings or whatever, when I can't go.

I need an extra few hours in the morning, or else some magical way of being able to cope with only five hours' sleep, which I can't do right now. Hell, I've tried lately, and my body just. won't. let. me. If I set my alarm for seven, I'll switch off the alarm clock and sleep until eight thirty. Eight thirty is my default wake-up time: even on days when I haven't set my alarm, that's when I'm up. If I were going to bed earlier, then waking up earlier wouldn't be a problem, but if that were the case I would also not be on this schedule to begin with.

Do the words "catch-22" ring any bells?

In conclusion? Argh!