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mousmeOy. I arrived at the gym in time fore my appointment, only to be met with puzzled stares: turns out my appointment was yesterday. :::headdesk::: Agenda-checking fail. :P
Otherwise, there's not much to report so far today. The weather is glorious, I'm stuck at work, and things are chugging along.
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bodhifox has been writing things that are making me think, damn him. ;) The entry is locked, so I won't copy what he wrote, but it echoed what I've been feeling on a subconscious level, that it seems like all the important things in my life (my friends, my writing, my garden, my cooking, my desire to feel fulfilled by what I do) are being subsumed by things which are... less important than that.
Here's the thing: I've viewed myself as a work in progress for a very long time. Since I was about twelve years old, in fact. I left my elementary school where I had been bullied and beaten by my classmates and belittled and patronized by my teachers, and went to a high school more than ten times its size (150 students to nearly 2000). That was when I discovered that I could start over, that I could redefine who I was, and that it was All Me. Was I going to be a shy doormat who was afraid to use the phone? No. So I decided to change things.
And change I did. It wasn't overnight, and a lot of ingrained habits remained during high school: stay long enough in one place, and you get caught up in the image other people have of you. People thought I was a bookish, overweight nerd with no friends, and that's how it stayed, sort of. I tried a more drastic change in my late teens, but my peers actively resisted seeing the change, which frustrated me to no end. When I got to university, I did the same thing. I found a HUGE world which, locked in my tiny high school bubble, I had only suspected existed. I found the friendsips there that have lasted for ten years, longer than any but my closest childhood friendships.
The changes kept happening, too, even after I left university. Especially after I left university, when suddenly I could no longer identify myself solely by my academic achievement. In fact, academic achievement was no longer even remotely part of what made me "me." For a while, I didn't know how to identify myself, because I had clung to that identity with my fingernails. What would I do now? It took a while before I figured out that it didn't really matter.
Anyway, the short version is that I am the product of eighteen years of on-and-off consciously changing who I am. In some ways, I am exactly the same person I was as a small child: by nature optimistic, quick to smile, less quick to talk in social situations, in love with nature even if I don't understand it, quick to trust, slow to forgive, possibly a little too open for my own good. In all the ways that count, I am still me.
In essence, I have never found it entirely impossible to change an aspect of myself that I didn't like, within reasonable limits. I am no stranger to self-examination, and I am pretty lucid about what makes me tick. The fact that I am aware of all my neuroses doesn't make them go away magically, but at least it means I can bring them out into the harsh light of day, and ignore them as best I can when they threaten to interfere with how I want to live my life.
Getting back to what sparked this, I am in the midst of changing things again, and this time I think the changes might not be small at all. As usual, I am not especially good with change: it makes me intensely uncomfortable and makes me want to run and hide under my bedclothes. Luckily I have lots of experience to tell me that change is usually beneficial, so I'm going to forge ahead. I have no idea if it'll work, but if it does, you'll be the first to know. :)
Otherwise, there's not much to report so far today. The weather is glorious, I'm stuck at work, and things are chugging along.
bodhifox has been writing things that are making me think, damn him. ;) The entry is locked, so I won't copy what he wrote, but it echoed what I've been feeling on a subconscious level, that it seems like all the important things in my life (my friends, my writing, my garden, my cooking, my desire to feel fulfilled by what I do) are being subsumed by things which are... less important than that.Here's the thing: I've viewed myself as a work in progress for a very long time. Since I was about twelve years old, in fact. I left my elementary school where I had been bullied and beaten by my classmates and belittled and patronized by my teachers, and went to a high school more than ten times its size (150 students to nearly 2000). That was when I discovered that I could start over, that I could redefine who I was, and that it was All Me. Was I going to be a shy doormat who was afraid to use the phone? No. So I decided to change things.
And change I did. It wasn't overnight, and a lot of ingrained habits remained during high school: stay long enough in one place, and you get caught up in the image other people have of you. People thought I was a bookish, overweight nerd with no friends, and that's how it stayed, sort of. I tried a more drastic change in my late teens, but my peers actively resisted seeing the change, which frustrated me to no end. When I got to university, I did the same thing. I found a HUGE world which, locked in my tiny high school bubble, I had only suspected existed. I found the friendsips there that have lasted for ten years, longer than any but my closest childhood friendships.
The changes kept happening, too, even after I left university. Especially after I left university, when suddenly I could no longer identify myself solely by my academic achievement. In fact, academic achievement was no longer even remotely part of what made me "me." For a while, I didn't know how to identify myself, because I had clung to that identity with my fingernails. What would I do now? It took a while before I figured out that it didn't really matter.
Anyway, the short version is that I am the product of eighteen years of on-and-off consciously changing who I am. In some ways, I am exactly the same person I was as a small child: by nature optimistic, quick to smile, less quick to talk in social situations, in love with nature even if I don't understand it, quick to trust, slow to forgive, possibly a little too open for my own good. In all the ways that count, I am still me.
In essence, I have never found it entirely impossible to change an aspect of myself that I didn't like, within reasonable limits. I am no stranger to self-examination, and I am pretty lucid about what makes me tick. The fact that I am aware of all my neuroses doesn't make them go away magically, but at least it means I can bring them out into the harsh light of day, and ignore them as best I can when they threaten to interfere with how I want to live my life.
Getting back to what sparked this, I am in the midst of changing things again, and this time I think the changes might not be small at all. As usual, I am not especially good with change: it makes me intensely uncomfortable and makes me want to run and hide under my bedclothes. Luckily I have lots of experience to tell me that change is usually beneficial, so I'm going to forge ahead. I have no idea if it'll work, but if it does, you'll be the first to know. :)
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-20 10:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-20 11:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-20 11:27 pm (UTC)Through this change and the journeys of life no matter how big or small.
You have passion...and strength....and determination.
:)
By the way what does phnee mean if anything...I have been curious if its a real name or nickname.....
no subject
Date: 2009-03-20 11:38 pm (UTC)And thank you! I really hope I make it, and I'm going to try damned hard.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-20 11:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-20 11:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-21 12:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-21 01:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-21 09:23 pm (UTC)1) Cool! I always wondered where the name Phnee came from. I like it.
2) Intrigued by this journal entry. Am wondering what mysterious changes you'll be going through next.
3) I love B5 too.
-
no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 10:35 am (UTC)As soon as I know this is going to work (or if it doesn't), then I will be lettering people know. Promise.
B5 rocks my world. I love Londo and G'kar especially, and totally have a soft spot for Ivanova (I have Eastern European heritage, so she resonates with me). I have a bunch of B5 icons, thanks to my friend
no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 05:43 am (UTC)If I can help you in any way, you know I'm here. Much, much love.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 10:38 am (UTC)*hugs*
You're doing a terrific job, Bodhi. You're going through a shitty time now, and because it's a Damned Big Change, you're going to feel pretty awful while it happens. Take it from me, when you come through on the other side, you'll know that it was worth it, and that all your core values and the things that are truly important will have stayed with you.
The offer to help stands on this end as well. Anything I can do, I will.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 11:01 pm (UTC)