Today seems to be a day for rants
Apr. 25th, 2007 11:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeThere's a girl on my shift at work, with whom I get along quite well. I get along with everyone on my shift, actually. (Can we see the "but" coming a mile away? I know I can.)
WARNING: I'm not cutting this post. It contains a rant about weight, weight-loss, and generally triggery weight-related things. Caveat emptor.
She's applying to be an RCMP officer. This is great, and we're all very happy for her. She's been training very very hard and watching what she eats and studying like mad so she'll pass the entrance examination and the very grueling physical part of the application process.
Tonight one of the night-shift girls brought in a bag of two-bite brownies, and offered them around. RCMP girl, paying attention to her diet/whatever, declined. Her physical is next Thursday, so no one batted an eye. I, on the other hand, am fond of two-bite brownies, and had one. Her reaction?
"Oh my God, Daphné! Do you know how many calories that's got? Don't eat that!"
I ate the brownie. (For the record, I checked the label, it has 180 calories in it) For whatever reason, she's been harping at me all week about what I eat.
"Another frozen dinner, Daphné? Don't you know those things are bad for you? I gained twelve pounds eating those!"
"You shouldn't eat those yogurts. You should eat the fat-free ones with low sugar!"
Etc.
The thing is, she doesn't do this with anyone else in the office. I think that, like many well-meaning health nuts, she has decided that Something Must Be Done about the fact that I'm fat. I think that, somewhere in her head, she has decided that I must somehow not know that I'm fat, and that I must be helped to see the light. I also think she has a slightly skewed vision of what being fat is. She is about 5'5" and probably in the neighbourhood of 140lbs, but she describes herself as "big." She's in excellent physical condition and in pretty good health, apart from some back problems, but she's obsessing about losing an extra five pounds. She works out five days a week at her gym, for two to three hours at a stretch.
You know what? I am not blind, nor am I stupid. I own a mirror, and I know what size I buy when I go clothes shopping. It is not news to me that I am fat. I have known this ever since I started being fat sixteen years ago. Since adolescence, I have never not been fat. I was a skinny kid, a fat teenager, and now I'm a fat adult.
What I don't need is for some skinny chick who knows nothing about me or my life to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing (or eating!) based solely on the way I look. What's worse is that she appears to be contagious, since another of the night shift girls is now asking me every day if I've been to the gym or not (she, too, not entirely coincidentally, is trying out for the RCMP).
ARGH!
It has taken me a good ten years to get to the point where I am comfortable with who I am. I spent years and years and years feeling awkward and ugly, and listening to whispers and sniggers and outright jeers and insults, not to mention the kindly-meant but patronizing advice which was sometimes not-so-kindly-meant from thin people who thought they were superior just because they were thin. I am at a point now where I can look in the mirror and not see an ugly fat girl, but where I see myself, with all my good points as well as my flaws. I still have days when I'm more insecure than others, but on the whole I like who I am and how I look.
I have had enough of being patronized by people who think they know me better than I know myself. Here are a couple of phrases for which I wish I had a nickel for every time someone said them to me:
"You'd be so pretty if only you lost all that weight!"
"You'd feel so much better/healthier if you lost weight!"
"All it takes is a little willpower. If you want it enough, you can lose weight."
"Oh, looks don't really matter, as long as you have a great personality!"
(For the record, I have a lousy personality. I'm sarcastic and nasty, and I kick and I bite. So there. :P)
Now that I've got this out of my system, I feel the need to add a disclaimer. I do NOT dislike thin people. I like people of all sizes. What I dislike is people who presume to know what's best for me based simply on my looks.
I long ago got out of the habit of retorting "you're too skinny" to people, regardless of whether or not it might be true. I understand that skinny people have just as many problems as fat people, although I highly doubt that they face the same degree of everyday prejudice that fat people do. The worst that will come out of my mouth these days to an overly thin friend will be along the lines of "You look like you've lost some weight. Is everything ok?"
By the same token, I am NOT advocating being fat. I am not advocating ANY type of weight or body type. For the love of God, is it that hard to just let people be healthy on their own terms?
Gah.
WARNING: I'm not cutting this post. It contains a rant about weight, weight-loss, and generally triggery weight-related things. Caveat emptor.
She's applying to be an RCMP officer. This is great, and we're all very happy for her. She's been training very very hard and watching what she eats and studying like mad so she'll pass the entrance examination and the very grueling physical part of the application process.
Tonight one of the night-shift girls brought in a bag of two-bite brownies, and offered them around. RCMP girl, paying attention to her diet/whatever, declined. Her physical is next Thursday, so no one batted an eye. I, on the other hand, am fond of two-bite brownies, and had one. Her reaction?
"Oh my God, Daphné! Do you know how many calories that's got? Don't eat that!"
I ate the brownie. (For the record, I checked the label, it has 180 calories in it) For whatever reason, she's been harping at me all week about what I eat.
"Another frozen dinner, Daphné? Don't you know those things are bad for you? I gained twelve pounds eating those!"
"You shouldn't eat those yogurts. You should eat the fat-free ones with low sugar!"
Etc.
The thing is, she doesn't do this with anyone else in the office. I think that, like many well-meaning health nuts, she has decided that Something Must Be Done about the fact that I'm fat. I think that, somewhere in her head, she has decided that I must somehow not know that I'm fat, and that I must be helped to see the light. I also think she has a slightly skewed vision of what being fat is. She is about 5'5" and probably in the neighbourhood of 140lbs, but she describes herself as "big." She's in excellent physical condition and in pretty good health, apart from some back problems, but she's obsessing about losing an extra five pounds. She works out five days a week at her gym, for two to three hours at a stretch.
You know what? I am not blind, nor am I stupid. I own a mirror, and I know what size I buy when I go clothes shopping. It is not news to me that I am fat. I have known this ever since I started being fat sixteen years ago. Since adolescence, I have never not been fat. I was a skinny kid, a fat teenager, and now I'm a fat adult.
What I don't need is for some skinny chick who knows nothing about me or my life to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing (or eating!) based solely on the way I look. What's worse is that she appears to be contagious, since another of the night shift girls is now asking me every day if I've been to the gym or not (she, too, not entirely coincidentally, is trying out for the RCMP).
ARGH!
It has taken me a good ten years to get to the point where I am comfortable with who I am. I spent years and years and years feeling awkward and ugly, and listening to whispers and sniggers and outright jeers and insults, not to mention the kindly-meant but patronizing advice which was sometimes not-so-kindly-meant from thin people who thought they were superior just because they were thin. I am at a point now where I can look in the mirror and not see an ugly fat girl, but where I see myself, with all my good points as well as my flaws. I still have days when I'm more insecure than others, but on the whole I like who I am and how I look.
I have had enough of being patronized by people who think they know me better than I know myself. Here are a couple of phrases for which I wish I had a nickel for every time someone said them to me:
"You'd be so pretty if only you lost all that weight!"
"You'd feel so much better/healthier if you lost weight!"
"All it takes is a little willpower. If you want it enough, you can lose weight."
"Oh, looks don't really matter, as long as you have a great personality!"
(For the record, I have a lousy personality. I'm sarcastic and nasty, and I kick and I bite. So there. :P)
Now that I've got this out of my system, I feel the need to add a disclaimer. I do NOT dislike thin people. I like people of all sizes. What I dislike is people who presume to know what's best for me based simply on my looks.
I long ago got out of the habit of retorting "you're too skinny" to people, regardless of whether or not it might be true. I understand that skinny people have just as many problems as fat people, although I highly doubt that they face the same degree of everyday prejudice that fat people do. The worst that will come out of my mouth these days to an overly thin friend will be along the lines of "You look like you've lost some weight. Is everything ok?"
By the same token, I am NOT advocating being fat. I am not advocating ANY type of weight or body type. For the love of God, is it that hard to just let people be healthy on their own terms?
Gah.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 04:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:06 pm (UTC)*hugs*
Thank you. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 04:39 am (UTC)http://pics.livejournal.com/fearsclave/pic/000g8cqz/
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:05 pm (UTC)That's very nice of you to say. It's a good photo of me, I think.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 05:07 am (UTC)(b) For whatever record, I recommend therotund.com, run by
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:05 pm (UTC)(b) Very interesting blog. Thanks for the link!
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 11:36 am (UTC)first of all, I know exactly what you're talking about, but while my temper is just as short as yours, I've actually looked people dead in the face and said "does my weight threaten you?" and when they look all shocked at my audacity of not taking their comments, I tell them to mind their OWN damn business.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 12:48 pm (UTC)People used to say things like that to me when I was the size she is now. Now that I am genuinely fat, no one dares. My experience is that women only use that "oh God, we're so fat, let's bond over diet babble!" thing with other women that they don't think are genuinely fat. She probably assumes you're as neurotic about your size as she is about hers, rather than thinking you're fat. Which doesn't make her any less of a bitch, of course.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:14 pm (UTC)I just don't need the extra aggravation in my life. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 01:46 pm (UTC)The most important thing is that you're comfortable with yourself, and it certainly sounds like you are. And a good thing too, because from the photos I remember seeing of you, you certainly have nothing to worry about with regard to how you look.
"I understand that skinny people have just as many problems as fat people, although I highly doubt that they face the same degree of everyday prejudice"
I think it's a different kind of prejudice, often more catty and less veiled, but I'm sure not as frequent as the prejudices that larger people have to put up with. I'm sure that 99% of the time with the skinny people it's because the people making the comments are jealous of the skinniness. I could be wrong, but I base this on the amount of times I've heard derogatory anti-skinny comments first hand (anorexic, twiggy, stick insect) from the very people who are constantly dieting the entire time when they're not even big anyway, almost as though they're in denial that I am as slim as this through natural means and that pretending I'm anorexic (which I'm not) somehow makes me somebody to pity rather than envy. And amusingly it only bothers me because I actually prefer the bigger build! My partner is obese and could not be more attractive to me. Some people just need to learn to live and let live.
"For the love of God, is it that hard to just let people be healthy on their own terms?"
Well said!
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:04 pm (UTC)Welcome aboard. :)
There's only one board I ever modded for any length of time, so I guess you must be from BUS, am I right?
Do I perhaps know you under another screen name? I was Bookworm on a bunch of forums before I came up with my current moniker.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:18 pm (UTC)I don't frequent the board anymore though, I just went back to see if any old members I remember had been posting lately and wondered if I could find them elsewhere.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:24 pm (UTC)Nice to see old familiar faces, though. Playing catch-up is going to be interesting. There are a couple of old BUSers on my friends list. At least one that I can think of off-hand, and one other whose online origins I don't quite recall, but I think she was on BUS for a while.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:32 pm (UTC)I don't think I recognise any of the names, unless chasingthenuns is one of them. All of my friends on livejournal except one are (former) BUSsers, so there may be more familiar names/faces on there for you :)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 02:59 pm (UTC)I like that you're comfortable enough to rant about it - these people actually get to me like you wouldn't believe. Congrats!
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:15 pm (UTC)However, I'm at a point now where it pisses me off *more* than it hurts me or makes me self-conscious.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 03:56 pm (UTC)Cripes. And here I thought *I* was doing well going to the gym four times a week for an hour... :-P
Actually, she must be overtraining. Yeah, that's it. ^_^
Um, anyway; I like the first link in
As to the whole issue; on the one hand, I can understand this person being acutely aware of how many calories there are in various foods, and wanting to share that knowledge. On the other hand, it's insensitive at best for her not to realize that constantly harping on it to you is pretty insulting.
As for those other comments — they're just rude, no matter how well intentioned they're intended to be. And no, parents do not get a free pass on this.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 04:09 pm (UTC)I know what you mean about understanding why she's acutely aware of calories/other random details about food. I also understand the desire to share her knowledge. However, I draw the line there. Being told "Don't eat that!" is stepping over the line.
See, I am an adult, and able to make decisions on my own about what I put in my mouth. Just as I wouldn't presume to tell her what to eat (she eats a tin of sardines every day, for crying out loud!), I expect her to extend the same courtesy to me.
The other comments make me foam at the mouth. My mother stopped making them when I started university and made it clear to her that saying things like that was no longer acceptable.
What I find insulting is that there seems to be an underlying assumption that if you're fat, it's because you don't know any better, or are stupid/lazy/slovenly/etc. People who are either thin, or who have lost a great deal of weight, often feel that they need to go on a crusade to get other people to be thin as well.
I once had a young girl (probably around sixteen) come up to me on the street out of the blue and tell me: "You shouldn't eat so much! You're way too fat!" As though 1) she knew everything about my diet and exercise habits, and 2) it was her place to "educate" me about these things.
That she was a good eight years my junior at the time and had no business whatsoever making that kind of comment clearly never occurred to her. I was so nonplussed that I simply gaped at her while she went back to her group of giggling cohorts. I don't know if it was a dare, or if she really thought she was doing me a favour, but either way, I was flabbergasted.
Anyway, I think I may have ranted enough on the topic for now.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 08:58 pm (UTC)Would you feel too uncomfortable telling this girl, either outright, or in a more polite way, to shut the f*** up? 'Cause if she's a halfway decent person, as you seem to believe she is, then she probably has no idea that what she says is bugging you. (Hard to imagine someone being that insensitive or just plain clueless, but . . .)
In my books what she's doing is just out and out rude, and unless she's four years old she should really know better. If she truly doesn't, then maybe it's your turn to educate *her*---she needs to shed a whole lotta stupid.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-26 11:24 pm (UTC)A friend of mine went through depot and didn't bug me about my eating habits (which were/are horrendous, no matter what my size). He can't say much considering he was on a diet of Jujubes and cake icing while cycling across Canada.
Oh yeah, and I know about an embarrassing incident where he got his p... *achem* well, seems like I've said enough there.
Point is, he didn't bug me, and I hope those people stop bugging you. :)
(Oh yeah, and I find it weird when people go to the gym and panic about their weight not going down... don't they know muscle weighs more than fat?)
no subject
Date: 2007-04-27 12:54 am (UTC)Maybe we should start a Fund together...
Date: 2007-04-27 05:12 am (UTC)I SO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING YOU WROTE IN THAT POST. And you know what, she is DEAD wrong.
Furthermore, I can tell you that the people who came up with the worst phrases were all people who were VERY close to me. And it hurt. And it stung. And some days, I still have trouble putting up with it myself...
I don't care what YOU see in the mirror when you look at yourself, you wear glasses. So let someone with 20/20 vision like me (with my Eagle Eyes) tell you The Truth:
YOU ARE HOT. JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. (And I like those curves on you... I think you already know that, though! Anyways... it's just a reminder.)
Don't worry about what RCMP girl rants about, she has got nothing over you if she is spending more time nagging you than trying to resolve her own issues...
Just know that God wanted to make you perfect but knew that the Rest of Humanity just wouldn't be able to handle it so he had to find a way to hide it!
no subject
Date: 2007-04-28 06:11 pm (UTC)