Corner of Bourbon & Division

So.

Cute girl has a crush on me. I have a crush on cute girl. No brainer, right?

Cute girl is poly and married.

I am single and very much not poly. Just not wired that way.

*kicks petulantly at a pebble*

And before anyone suggests that I should try it anyway: no. It's not fair to her or me to put us both through the emotional wringer like that. I can't do casual, I can't do "secondary," and I can't imagine myself in that sort of relationship.

I'm just a little disappointed with life right now.

I sometimes wonder if I didn't break somewhere along the way, in an undefinable fashion. Either that, or I've got the heart of a romantic with the brain of a pragmatist.

( This doesn't make sense, even to me. Feel free to skip. )

Damn. We're already 1/3 into September.

I feel like I'm running full-out trying to catch up with my life, and failing miserably. Not that it isn't a fun race, and I'm enjoying the scenery as it flashes by, but it constantly seems as though there's not enough time in which to do all the nifty things I want to do.

I finally, FINALLY had enough time to cook today. I very nearly ran out of time, as I had the Home Depot guys come in to measure the floor (I have to replace it, upon further inspection, sanding just won't do it), and had a billion other things to do.

BUT! I got to cook! I made a tuna casserole, which is currently cooling on the counter. I am very excited about this. Soon I will have food to fill the freezer and to occupy the shelves in my new pantry. I tried to find Scotch Broth locally (having had some at fearsclave's a while back), but was astounded to find that my Friendly Local Giant Supermarkets don't carry any. Yet another reason to go on a shopping trip next time I'm in Ontario: I need to hit an LCBO (booze!) and pick up several cans of Scotch Broth.

BorderCrossing (That's my girlfriend's online handle, though she has no LJ. Eee! Girlfriend!) is coming on Saturday, and I have to figure out something to make for dinner. She's a vegetarian, although she does eat fish. The reason for her vegetarianism is an ethical objection to the treatment of workers in meat-packing plants, which I can totally understand. So, no meat. She's not especially fond of beans and the like, though, so I may have to find something pasta-related to feed her, but I'd like it to be at least a little exciting.

I have continued to unpack in whatever spare time I have left over. I appear to have "lost" most of my winter clothes. I am perplexed, but since I still have lots of boxes left over, I figure they'll turn up sooner rather than later. I'm just not sure which box they ended up in. At least I found enough of my linens that I was able to make my bed rather than have a makeshift set-up involving a sleeping bag. Yeesh.

I have paint swatches, too! I'm probably going to paint sometime in October. I am very excited about this. Then there will be the acquisition of furniture, so that I can have guests. Ideally, I'd like that to happen around November, and definitely before Christmas. With any luck, I'll run into some pre-Christmas sales.

Now, if only I could find the time and mental energy to get some actual writing done these days. At least so far I'm doing pretty well on my minimum-one-post-a-day resolution. I haven't missed a day since June 1st, in spite of computer crises and lots of overtime and work. Go me!

Okay. I have to go put the tuna casserole into tupperware, and get to work. The bus leaves in 30 minutes, so I need to get myself in gear.

I had planned to be up around 7:00 this morning. I ended up sleeping through my alarm, however, after spending a very fun (but unplanned) two-plus hours on the phone last night with BorderCrossing (who has no LJ). I'm having dinner with her tonight, but it's not as though we've run out of things to talk about just yet

That being said, I am very tired today. I have about three hours now in which to get ready and get some packing done, and then I am slated to do some canning with ai731. I also have to call my mother. *goes to do just that*

We're getting new software to help with the job at work. The new software needs its own console and a live administrator, which means we're getting a new set of computers and setting up a new work station inside our already-cramped central. Today two of the supervisors spent the day moving furniture around: shifting cabinets, unscrewing and re-screwing desks and sundry other bits of office equipment, and generally being loud and disruptive and spreading chaos in their wake. They weren't particularly graceful or efficient about the job, and so the rest of us mocked them mercilessly the entire time from the safety of our desks while we worked.

Otherwise, today was quiet, if bitterly cold. It was -15˚C, and with the wind chill it felt more like -26˚C. Not the coldest it's ever been (2003 was notable for it's -40˚C temperatures, which recurred all through February), but cold enough that I felt chilly when I went outside, which is rare for me (feeling cold, that is, not going outside). I think it was mostly the humidity and the wind that made it bad: I don't know how fast the wind was blowing today, but at times it felt as though I was in a gale. The corner of Greene and St. Catherine is particularly bad for its "wind tunnel" effect, and at one point the wind actually kept me stationary as I walked into it. Trippy.

The "cold" emoticon looks unhappy. This isn't the case for me, but there's not much I can do about it. Bah.

Once again, the year is going by in a blur. I can't believe that Thursday is Valentine's Day already. My streak of not having a date on Valentine's Day continues unbroken, but mostly I'm noting it simply as an academic interest. I've come to a place in my life where I don't know if I would welcome the complication and added hassles of a relationship. I haven't sworn off love 4-Evar!ZOMG! but at this point I have made the "selfish" decision to not have to worry about someone else at all. Relationships are a lot of work, and I'm not willing to invest the time and energy these days, with everything else that I've got going on. If my soulmate happens to drop into my lap I won't say no, but I doubt that's going to happen.

Tonight I am aiming for a relatively early bed time. I got to bed late(ish) yesterday, and paid for it today. So tonight is catch-up night.

Okay, morning freakout is over. Many thanks to everyone who was nice to me and patted me and said "there-there" while I spazzed out. Many thanks especially to toughlovemuse for talking me down from the well-known metaphorical ledge and for letting me whine to her about very trivial things.

I keep trying to remind myself that growth is an organic process, and that I can't rush it. One step at a time, and sometimes you have to take a few steps backward in order to find your balance again.

Work kept me busy, which is good. I'm now tired as all get-out, and going to bed soon.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. That means pulling out the shovel and preparing to dig out the car, since there's going to be sixteen feet of snow according to the forecast. I shall be spending the evening treating car alarms. Now that's what I call romance. :)

I am probably going to make myself unpopular by mentioning that I like Valentine's Day. The same way I like Christmas and Easter and Hallowe'en and Thanksgiving. Yes, the holiday is overly commercial and may have been invented by Hallmark for all I know, and no it's not a good excuse not to be loving the other 365 days of the year. However, humans are fallible creatures, prone to forgetting important things like maintaining relationships. So it's nice to A) have a day that celebrates love in general, and B) to have a gentle reminder that, hey, since you love your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/significant other/fuckpuppet, why not do something special to remind said girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/significant other/fuckpuppet of that?

What can I say? I'm just a romantic in pragmatist's clothing.

It's probably a bad idea to ask this woman out, right?


...



Maybe I'll elaborate when I'm not sleep-deprived. Maybe not. I'm going to bed now.

Night!

Many, if not most of my friends are all in the process of getting married and having children. Granted, many of my friends are a bit (but not much) older than I am, but some of them aren't.

I alternate between feeling a little bit of envy for their stability and obvious happiness, and confusion at how the hell they managed to get their shit together when I can barely manage to keep myself and four cats organised.

Also, I confess that, at least for now, I don't actually want any of that. Sure, every now and then I get a very small *ping* that says "baby!", but really, the pings are very small and I know perfectly well that I'm useless with children for more than five minutes at a time. I can't even do the standard adult-with-baby games that seem to come naturally to most people (blowing on tummies, counting toes, making faces, whatever). I just don't have that sort of knack. It doesn't bother me overmuch, either.

I also don't really want a relationship right now either. Yes, there's part of me that says that I'm going to be old and alone, but another part of me wants to know what's wrong with that scenario? I like my own company, and for the most part I always feel like a third wheel tacked on to whatever "couple" I'm hanging out with at the time (with obvious exceptions). I'm the quirky single friend now, the one who'll make your children uncomfortable in another fifteen years or so when you invite me to dinner. :P

I enjoy my independence, and while it may just be intimacy issues, I don't feel the need to complicate my existence with some sort of love life these days. I am the queen of striking out in that field anyway, and since I don't feel the burning need to "complete" myself with someone else, I figure I may as well stay by myself, at least for now.

Anyway, not entirely sure where this is going. I just sort of wanted to put something down in writing.

So Fred's ex showed up at the club tonight to let me know that Fred's been admitted to the hospital on suicide watch. It was a voluntary admission, and he should be released sometime on Monday or maybe Tuesday, depending on when an appointment with a social worker can be scheduled.

It's nearly three am, and my brain isn't really handling this information the way I'd like it to.

I don't know if I even want to try to describe what I'm feeling now. Maybe tomorrow, when I'm not so tired I can't see straight. I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll take the cats with me tonight.

Okay, let's postulate for a moment. One sends an email that one has spent days thinking about and composing in one's head and worrying about.

How long after sending this email should one wait before giving up on the idea of ever getting an answer?

Let's add to this that the recipient of the email, in theory, checks his email at least once a day, and usually a lot more often than that.

The longer this drags out, the more I'm tempted to throw in the towel. Not that I have intimacy issues and nearly always end up with people who can't communicate properly. No. Not at all. :P

Clearly, instant gratification takes too long for me.

*sigh*

People are complicated.