Kinda pointless navel-gazing

[mousme]

Many, if not most of my friends are all in the process of getting married and having children. Granted, many of my friends are a bit (but not much) older than I am, but some of them aren't.

I alternate between feeling a little bit of envy for their stability and obvious happiness, and confusion at how the hell they managed to get their shit together when I can barely manage to keep myself and four cats organised.

Also, I confess that, at least for now, I don't actually want any of that. Sure, every now and then I get a very small *ping* that says "baby!", but really, the pings are very small and I know perfectly well that I'm useless with children for more than five minutes at a time. I can't even do the standard adult-with-baby games that seem to come naturally to most people (blowing on tummies, counting toes, making faces, whatever). I just don't have that sort of knack. It doesn't bother me overmuch, either.

I also don't really want a relationship right now either. Yes, there's part of me that says that I'm going to be old and alone, but another part of me wants to know what's wrong with that scenario? I like my own company, and for the most part I always feel like a third wheel tacked on to whatever "couple" I'm hanging out with at the time (with obvious exceptions). I'm the quirky single friend now, the one who'll make your children uncomfortable in another fifteen years or so when you invite me to dinner. :P

I enjoy my independence, and while it may just be intimacy issues, I don't feel the need to complicate my existence with some sort of love life these days. I am the queen of striking out in that field anyway, and since I don't feel the burning need to "complete" myself with someone else, I figure I may as well stay by myself, at least for now.

Anyway, not entirely sure where this is going. I just sort of wanted to put something down in writing.

Comments

[caitlin.livejournal.com]

Y'know... this is pretty much what is going through my own head right now.

And, really, I think I like the fact that I'm not the only one... it makes me feel a lot less lonely. *wry* If that makes any sense.

*HUGS* Take care, you.

C.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

*squish*

You too. And I understand what you mean. :)

[mhw.livejournal.com]

Yes, there's part of me that says that I'm going to be old and alone, but another part of me wants to know what's wrong with that scenario?

Doesn't follow, anyway. I'm going to put my foot in my mouth and make huuuuuge assumptions, but I can see no reason why lack of partner(s) and/or progeny should lead to being alone. In fact, I'll be even more provocative and say that anyone who is alone and lonely has made a choice to be so, whether explicit or implicit.

I'm alone, physically, much of the time because Jus is out at work a lot, but lonely? No. I have a telephone, I have the 'net, and if I want physical company I can (unless I'm feeling too sick to go out, in which case there are the first two options, or I'm so sick I don't want company) get on the bus into town and have a coffee in Browns, or do any number of things - the depression support group, the writers' group, the library users' group...

Yes, of course, I'm lucky in that I have regular bus access to a moderately sized town, I'm usually able enough to use it, and I have the confidence to talk with people.

Go on, shoot me down in flames! :)

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Well, there's alone and there's alone, if you follow. Yes, I'll never be entirely alone as long as I have my friends and the internet, which is a good thing. The "old and alone" phrase was just my being flippant about having no permanent companionship, about the prospect of coming home to an empty house (appartment, whatever) at the end of the day for the rest of my life.

That's what I feel ambivalent about. Part of me doesn't want to think of being alone in that way for the next sixty or seventy years (that's about my life expectancy, barring terminal illness along the way). The other part of me argues that, hell, I'm perfectly fine living on my own with my cats, and since I have my friends, why am I complaining?

Not saying you're wrong. In fact, the rational part of me agrees with you. It's the other bit in my brain that, for the moment, doesn't really want to let go of the idea of having a permanent someone in my life that will be there when I leave for work and be there when I get home. :)

[mhw.livejournal.com]

It's the other bit in my brain that, for the moment, doesn't really want to let go of the idea of having a permanent someone in my life that will be there when I leave for work and be there when I get home. :)

*nodnod* But on the other hand there's an Insidious Nasty that comes with having that 'permanent someone', that nothing does truly last forever. The PS may leave you. The PS may die. And so on.

I suppose the end result is that if you're insecure, it bites you in the ass either way :(

You realise, in seventy years I'll be 116? Just about plausible, but not at all likely, that I could get to be so old. I suddenly feel like a very Impermanent Someone... *sigh*