A little too prosaic

[mousme]

I sometimes wonder if I didn't break somewhere along the way, in an undefinable fashion. Either that, or I've got the heart of a romantic with the brain of a pragmatist.

I've never felt the whole love thing the way other people seem to. I don't get it. I am able to love, I know this, and I do feel things deeply, but I've never had that whole "If-you're-not-near-me-I-can't-breathe" thing. The people I love don't occupy all my waking thoughts. In fact, I can go for several days without thinking of them at all, except for the occasional fond moment, when I think: "Gosh, I bet [$Person] would get a kick out of this!"

Some of my friends have been saying things like it feels as though they've known each other forever, and they can't remember when they really met, and very nice things like that. It sounds nice, it truly does. I pretty much remember the times when I met all of my friends: first meetings are important to me, and so they stick in my mind.

As a corollary to this, a lot of my friends act around me as though we've been friends much longer than they have. They'll refer to things that happened years and years ago, when I wasn't even in the picture. It feels a little weird to tell them: "Actually, we weren't friends when that happened. I wasn't there." They are always surprised that I haven't been around forever.

I don't know why I have this mental disconnect: no one else seems to experience this, or if they do they never let on. I think I may have been raised to be a little too prosaic in my everyday dealings: True Love is great, but it happens in stories and to other people. Eternal Friendship? Same deal. Magical Abilities? Ditto.

Most of the time I'm happy to be a Muggle, and to simply smile and nod and be supportive of all my friends who seem to have this extra knowledge hanging around, but there are times when... I dunno, I get a bit wistful. Sometimes, I think it would be nice if I didn't have to work as hard to actually connect with people, if it could just come a little more naturally.

Comments

[mieszko.livejournal.com]

Ditto, for the most part.

[fearsclave.livejournal.com]

You aren't alone. Don't worry.

[delta-november.livejournal.com]

Not directly relevant, but you (and everybody else) need to read today's XKCD for its astute observations on the subject of love:
http://www.xkcd.com/513/

[joane.livejournal.com]

I've never had that whole "If-you're-not-near-me-I-can't-breathe" thing.

I have, but that's not love. It's infatuation, hormonal, and ephemeral at best. Real love, for me, is that soul-deep there-ness that comes with trust and devotion. The butterflies are part of it, and they ebb and flow over time and circumstance, but they're the icing and not the cake beneath.

[pasley.livejournal.com]

"I have [experience the "If-you're-not-near-me-I-can't-breathe" thing]. . . but that's not love. It's infatuation, hormonal, and ephemeral at best. Real love, for me, is that soul-deep there-ness that comes with trust and devotion. The butterflies are part of it, and they ebb and flow over time and circumstance, but they're the icing and not the cake beneath."

Extremely well put, joanne.

I also experienced that infatuation/obsession thing when I was young, and it's fun (before it gets very not fun, which it always eventually does), but I feel that it's part crazy teenaged hormones gone crazy and part teenaged insecurity---like, a *lot* of insecurity. A mature love is all about security, about never ever doubting that you love that person and that they love you and that you can trust each other enough to, say, be apart for more than five minutes at a time!

That said, I am (still) extremely romantic about love, and feel that my relationship with my husband was fated and is magical and all that.

Friendships? Not so much. I love my friends, and feel I have a few lovely and close relationships with kindred spirits, but only really a few, and even with them I don't feel a need to, say, call them every day or see them even every week. I have never experienced the BFFL!! sort of relationship with a person who was not my husband. I do sometimes wish I had had that sort of intense close friendship in high school, because that kind of supportiveness could have helped me through some pretty hellish times, I think. Now, my emotional needs are pretty much fulfilled by my husband and children.

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

I don't feel that 'OMG can't breathe if you're not near me' thing (in fact what I feel is often more of a 'OMG I can't breathe if you ARE near me I love you now please go away'), and I think a lot of the Twue Wuv thing is an unconscious working up of something to make it seem like it fills a bigger hole in someone's life than it actually does. I too go days and days, often months, without contacting close friends, but when we do meet again we can just pick up where we left off.

It takes a *lot* for me to be close friends with someone. I'm fairly certain most of my friends think they're much closer to me than they actually are. So when I do meet someone with whom I don't have to go through the song and dance thing (the 'working hard to connect' thing you mention), when there's some sort of click, it's comfortable, and we slip right away into the 'feels like I known you forever' thing. But that's very, very rare for me. I can think of maybe three people it's happened with, and one of them ended up being my husband.

I think more of us are like you than you suspect.

[bodhifox.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, am I bugging you with that viewpoint? If I am, I'm sorry.

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

If you're referring to me: No, no, no. If you were I'd have told you. If you're referring to Phnee: I can't help you. :)

[bodhifox.livejournal.com]

I didn't want to be one of the *people who think they're much closer to me than they actually are* and be bugging you. I didn't think I was. But this comment made me doubt a bit.

[whiskeygirl8.livejournal.com]

I have three friends I've known for 22 years. Nothing came naturally there. I mean, we are very close and Lisa is probably the most like me of any person I've ever known (I often joke if she was a man I'd marry her) but it's not easy. I've had fights with every single one of them--fights that would have ended the friendship had we not both worked to patch it up. They are important to me. They are my chosen sisters (and since my real sister isn't very sister-like, this is important to me.)

I do not, however, romanticize it. I find that romanticizing any relationship means believing it was "meant to be" and that means you don't really have to work for it (one guy in my unit said, "If your relationship was meant to be and it's really love, then it's easy and you don't have to work." It should be noted that his marriage is not exactly good.) Well, you have to work to maintain any relationship (and a lot of people seem to accept this for familial relationships, and a lot for friendships, but deny it for love. That makes no sense to me.) Anything good in life you have to work to obtain and work to maintain. That's just the way it is.

Also, love isn't always enough. I loved Richard. I still love Richard. I miss him a lot sometimes and still, three years later, have moments where I wonder if I made the right decision. Of course, I did. Because love wasn't enough. We were too different. It would not have worked.

So, I get where you're coming from. My friendships that have lasted this long aren't magical. They just are the product of hard work. One day I might actually find that in a man. heh

[bodhifox.livejournal.com]

True Love is great, but it happens in stories and to other people. Eternal Friendship? Same deal. Magical Abilities? Ditto.

One of my tasks as a parent is to make sure nothing forces my children to end up this way. Life is incredible. Life is magic. We tend to tighten our perceptions down so much to fit into the everyday world there is no room for continuous wonder. I'll tell you, it is possible to be constantly amazed at everything most people block out, and still function in your everyday, mundane world. *raises hand*

That's not a judgment of being practical or pragmatic. It's just a shame when it is forced on people by their upbringing or circumstance.

Sometimes, I think it would be nice if I didn't have to work as hard to actually connect with people, if it could just come a little more naturally.

If it were any easier for you to connect you'd be a virus. You do connect easily, as proved by people thinking you've always been around. You just for some reason don't seem to feel it from your end.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Continuous wonder has nothing to do with it, as far as I'm concerned. I am continually charmed and amazed by how beautiful the world is: it's just a matter of keeping an open mind. My mother taught me to look for what's beautiful in life, and my father taught me to respect all knowledge. Being open to experiences is not the problem.

What I don't get is the "instant connection" thing. I don't get it, fundamentally. I have never reliably known anyone the first time we met: I have to take the time to get to know them. First impressions are important, taking the time to talk and do things together is equally if not more important. I'm almost 100% sure I've never met any of my current fremily in a past life. Maybe 99% sure (I'm known for having a poor memory, after all. ;) ).

No one I know has "instantly known" me either. In fact, I'm pretty sure that most people don't get me as well as they think they do. Don't get me wrong: I'm not all "No one understands me! Woe!" I just think that people make a whole lot of assumptions about who I am. Doubtless I make similar assumptions, and this has caught me off-guard any number of times when reality didn't jive with my pre(mis?)conceptions.

This is probably coming off a lot more negatively than I intend. I blame lack of adequate sleep. ;) It's not that I think it's a bad thing, it's just that I don't understand it at all: it's outside my realm of experience.

[bodhifox.livejournal.com]

That was in direct response to your things only happening in stories comment. I believe they happen all the time IRL, if you are open to seeing such things. There's plenty of things outside my realm of experience. One of my college friends kept me around because my inexperience in worldly things was charming. o_O

When people talk of reincarnation, I consider most of the folk I meet were in their past-lives, probably, trees. You may have grasped the fact I don't have many close friends. I'm a grumpy, charmless old man and I always have been. But I have had the instant connection feeling. I had it with Sparky before she was born, not so with Eldest or Bear. And the friends I have are one's I consider to be mine, as in the sense of Fremily, or chosen. the friends I do have are priceless.

I don't claim to *know you* for instance, but I'm very comfortable with you, and was from early on, as I was with Darroch. I think that's a LMI thing. Sometimes the fun is in the discovery and unfolding and growing into friends. And sometimes there is a jump start, and the connection is *Wham!* instant recognition and remembrance, and you just backfill on what you've been doing this time around since you last were together. It's rare, but to me, real. IMHO, anyway.

[luvenditti.livejournal.com]

I think that instant connections can happen, but are ethereal and difficult to catch. I have gotten those connections, and I've watched while they happen to other people, but I don't think they're necessarily deep connections. Yes, you can instantly hit it off with someone, but to get those deep, life-long connections it takes work.

As for love ... definitely been on the receiving end of being thunderstruck (with ensuing destruction and fire and chaos), but it never seemed to work out for me.

[tcaptain.livejournal.com]

Why would you think you broke somewhere along the way?

I firmly believe there are no invalid views when it comes to love. You have yours.

Things between two people work when those views mesh well. That goes for friendship, lovers and family.

For myself, The whole "I can't breathe when you are not near" bit happens, but it can only be AT MOST, the beginning. No one can live that way for long. I hate that we've been sold that we must be in this infatuation state forever and ever without any work at all and if you aren't...then you aren't "meant to be". This view contributed to my first marriage falling apart.

At the same time, the way I see it, there's always something there. There comes a time when pragmatism must give way to romanticism. I love J and I will choose her over pragmatic outcomes everytime because it feels right to me. It means drama over easy sometimes but that's ALL relationships, it's the price to pay.

I'm a hopeless romantic though, so it's in me to think and feel this way. While I can't live with every day being hearts and flowers, I DO work to bring that into our lives every once in a while. It doesn't just happen...well most times it doesn't. It comes and goes. When it goes, there's something there that says "it's going to come back again...no worries". When it goes with J, I know I'll remember it's going to come back.

I know a lot of very down to earth, rational, pragmatic people who are together and IMHO are no less "in love" than I. It's just expressed differently for them, in THEIR context. It works.