Corner of Bourbon & Division

Today was Power Point Day. Much like last week I ended up learning quite a lot. Oddly I learned less than I did last week, mostly because this week was truly a beginner-level PPT course and last week we covered more advanced topics in Word. That being said, I did learn what I was hoping to learn, namely how to make bullet points and other stuff in PPT do the fancy twirling/fading/sliding/flashing thing. I am now reasonably sure that I can pull off a decent, if somewhat basic, Power Point presentation if I have to.

I bought myself a new notebook today. The one I have carried around with me since 2008 is battered beyond recognition and is falling apart. So I have been transcribing the information in it that's still relevant, and leaving the rest behind. I'm a little sad at "losing" that stuff, which is weird since it's mostly phone numbers that are horribly out of date and grocery lists and to-do lists from years ago, but it feels like I'm tossing away part of my history. Of course that's not true, but I'm feeling a little twinge nonetheless. I'm also not transcribing some of the longer quotes I had in there before. For one thing, I haven't looked at them in a while, and for another, they are easily found elsewhere if I truly need to read/use them again.

The new notebook is also a little more compact, which means it fits better in my purse. So hooray for that!

I got some writing done, too, which was nice. I came home from my class, puttered for a while, did some cleaning/dishes, and then buckled down and wrote about 800 words of fan fiction. It's nice to be slowly getting back into the swing of writing, even if I don't have as much time as I'd like to devote to it these days. I also finished writing the outline of the novel I'd like to complete this year, and either tonight or tomorrow I shall transcribe it into Scrivener to see if that helps me get a sense of how it's working out. I've never been much of an outliner, but I'm beginning more and more to see that outlining is beneficial for my stories, to prevent me from meandering off into why-is-section-even-here-it-should-be-purged-and-burned territory with my writing.

Speaking of devoting time to stuff, I remembered today to do a 5-minute mindfulness exercise. I have an app on my phone that has 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 and 40 minute meditations, and right now they're a good way to keep my mind a little more focussed than my trying to do it all on my own. I'm starting with 5 minutes a day, and I'll see how it goes from there.

I have been remiss about answering everyone's comments in previous posts, but I want you to know I do read them all and appreciate every single one!

I have come lately to the conclusion that I suck at mindfulness. I'm not sure how people manage it at all, to be honest.

Experienced practitioners of mindfulness (or whatever else you want to call it), speak of it being effortless. You're not meant to think about it, just to be aware of what you're doing and the consequences of your actions, and to be aware of your feelings.

I am not so much aware of any of these things. I get distracted extraordinarily easy. I don't generally pause to consider my feelings. When I do realise I was feeling something potentially harmful to myself, it's hours or days later. "Gee, I probably could have handled that better if I'd been mindful of my emotions." So, not helpful.

I've read quite a few books on mindfulness and related topics, and they always seem like a really good idea at the time. Except that they require me to put these things into practice, and I can never seem to remember to actually do it at the time. I don't know, does anyone have a good way to work around this? I'm curious to know.

When I was sitting in class yesterday, I worked out in my head (after the fact), that these days I can properly focus my attention for about 20 minutes when I am rested (more or less). In the morning I was able to pay attention in class for 20 minute chunks, then I'd realise at the half-hour mark that I'd lost track and have to scramble to figure out what was going on. By the afternoon, that number had dwindled to 5-7 minutes before my brain would shut down and meander along other avenues of thought. Or worse, it would shut down and not think of anything.

In the last hour of the course I tried to force myself to focus completely on the course, and my mind revolted. I stared at the projector screen and listened intently to the teacher as she spoke and... nothing happened. I did not process a single goddamned piece of information in that last hour. Today I can't even tell you what that last hour was about. I think it might have been about graphs. Possibly. It's not even that my mind wandered, because I was making an effort to be present and to watch and listen. It was like someone had erected a barrier that repelled all learning in my head.

It's really fucking depressing, is what it is.

Fifteen years ago I was an honours student who was able to memorise hundreds of pages of poetry and quote literature/movies/songs at will. Now? I can't even remember the content of a beginner-level word processing class that took place yesterday. I just turned 35. By the time I'm 45 will I have so little brainpower left that I'll forget that it's a bad idea not to turn on the hair dryer while I'm in the tub? Cripes.