Corner of Bourbon & Division

I have come lately to the conclusion that I suck at mindfulness. I'm not sure how people manage it at all, to be honest.

Experienced practitioners of mindfulness (or whatever else you want to call it), speak of it being effortless. You're not meant to think about it, just to be aware of what you're doing and the consequences of your actions, and to be aware of your feelings.

I am not so much aware of any of these things. I get distracted extraordinarily easy. I don't generally pause to consider my feelings. When I do realise I was feeling something potentially harmful to myself, it's hours or days later. "Gee, I probably could have handled that better if I'd been mindful of my emotions." So, not helpful.

I've read quite a few books on mindfulness and related topics, and they always seem like a really good idea at the time. Except that they require me to put these things into practice, and I can never seem to remember to actually do it at the time. I don't know, does anyone have a good way to work around this? I'm curious to know.

When I was sitting in class yesterday, I worked out in my head (after the fact), that these days I can properly focus my attention for about 20 minutes when I am rested (more or less). In the morning I was able to pay attention in class for 20 minute chunks, then I'd realise at the half-hour mark that I'd lost track and have to scramble to figure out what was going on. By the afternoon, that number had dwindled to 5-7 minutes before my brain would shut down and meander along other avenues of thought. Or worse, it would shut down and not think of anything.

In the last hour of the course I tried to force myself to focus completely on the course, and my mind revolted. I stared at the projector screen and listened intently to the teacher as she spoke and... nothing happened. I did not process a single goddamned piece of information in that last hour. Today I can't even tell you what that last hour was about. I think it might have been about graphs. Possibly. It's not even that my mind wandered, because I was making an effort to be present and to watch and listen. It was like someone had erected a barrier that repelled all learning in my head.

It's really fucking depressing, is what it is.

Fifteen years ago I was an honours student who was able to memorise hundreds of pages of poetry and quote literature/movies/songs at will. Now? I can't even remember the content of a beginner-level word processing class that took place yesterday. I just turned 35. By the time I'm 45 will I have so little brainpower left that I'll forget that it's a bad idea not to turn on the hair dryer while I'm in the tub? Cripes.

My brain is apparently on the fritz. I have no explanation for it, but there's definitely some processing issues going on. I've had to re-read everything today just to parse what's going on.

Some days, it's just not worth getting out of bed. :P

So I got up on time today, showered, packed my lunch and smugly took the bus twenty minutes earlier than I had to. I patted myself on the back for being early to work, and calmly stopped at Tim Horton's for a coffee on the way in. I stepped into work, cheerfully said "good morning" to everyone (a long-running joke of mine when I'm working nights), only to be met by confused stares.

"Is everything okay?" asked one coworker.

"I thought that maybe you didn't want to work with me anymore," my partner joked.

I stared at them, wondering what the hell was going on, until my partner pointed at the clock, and I saw that it was 19:00 instead of 18:00 the way I thought. I was flummoxed.

I fell over myself apologising, and they all took it with good humour. Everyone has a day when they have the dumb, and I wasn't actually *late*. The shift officially starts at 19:00, although we always try to get here half an hour early so everyone can go home early. Still, it was embarrassing, and I'm a little perplexed about where that missing hour went.

In any case, for a moment there I was made of fail.

I am attempting to knit in the round on circular needles for the first time, and the concept is defeating me. I have checked all my knitting books, four websites, and three videos on the web, and I am confounded. I just don't get how it's all supposed to join up, and it's very frustrating.

I'm supposed to have tea with my godmother on Tuesday, so I shall ask her then how this is supposed to work. It seems awfully far away, but I guess I can live with that.

It's just that this is a big project, and I really wanted to get started on it soon. This delay is aggravating, all the more so because it's due to my own incompetence.