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mousmeI have come lately to the conclusion that I suck at mindfulness. I'm not sure how people manage it at all, to be honest.
Experienced practitioners of mindfulness (or whatever else you want to call it), speak of it being effortless. You're not meant to think about it, just to be aware of what you're doing and the consequences of your actions, and to be aware of your feelings.
I am not so much aware of any of these things. I get distracted extraordinarily easy. I don't generally pause to consider my feelings. When I do realise I was feeling something potentially harmful to myself, it's hours or days later. "Gee, I probably could have handled that better if I'd been mindful of my emotions." So, not helpful.
I've read quite a few books on mindfulness and related topics, and they always seem like a really good idea at the time. Except that they require me to put these things into practice, and I can never seem to remember to actually do it at the time. I don't know, does anyone have a good way to work around this? I'm curious to know.
When I was sitting in class yesterday, I worked out in my head (after the fact), that these days I can properly focus my attention for about 20 minutes when I am rested (more or less). In the morning I was able to pay attention in class for 20 minute chunks, then I'd realise at the half-hour mark that I'd lost track and have to scramble to figure out what was going on. By the afternoon, that number had dwindled to 5-7 minutes before my brain would shut down and meander along other avenues of thought. Or worse, it would shut down and not think of anything.
In the last hour of the course I tried to force myself to focus completely on the course, and my mind revolted. I stared at the projector screen and listened intently to the teacher as she spoke and... nothing happened. I did not process a single goddamned piece of information in that last hour. Today I can't even tell you what that last hour was about. I think it might have been about graphs. Possibly. It's not even that my mind wandered, because I was making an effort to be present and to watch and listen. It was like someone had erected a barrier that repelled all learning in my head.
It's really fucking depressing, is what it is.
Fifteen years ago I was an honours student who was able to memorise hundreds of pages of poetry and quote literature/movies/songs at will. Now? I can't even remember the content of a beginner-level word processing class that took place yesterday. I just turned 35. By the time I'm 45 will I have so little brainpower left that I'll forget that it's a bad idea not to turn on the hair dryer while I'm in the tub? Cripes.
Experienced practitioners of mindfulness (or whatever else you want to call it), speak of it being effortless. You're not meant to think about it, just to be aware of what you're doing and the consequences of your actions, and to be aware of your feelings.
I am not so much aware of any of these things. I get distracted extraordinarily easy. I don't generally pause to consider my feelings. When I do realise I was feeling something potentially harmful to myself, it's hours or days later. "Gee, I probably could have handled that better if I'd been mindful of my emotions." So, not helpful.
I've read quite a few books on mindfulness and related topics, and they always seem like a really good idea at the time. Except that they require me to put these things into practice, and I can never seem to remember to actually do it at the time. I don't know, does anyone have a good way to work around this? I'm curious to know.
When I was sitting in class yesterday, I worked out in my head (after the fact), that these days I can properly focus my attention for about 20 minutes when I am rested (more or less). In the morning I was able to pay attention in class for 20 minute chunks, then I'd realise at the half-hour mark that I'd lost track and have to scramble to figure out what was going on. By the afternoon, that number had dwindled to 5-7 minutes before my brain would shut down and meander along other avenues of thought. Or worse, it would shut down and not think of anything.
In the last hour of the course I tried to force myself to focus completely on the course, and my mind revolted. I stared at the projector screen and listened intently to the teacher as she spoke and... nothing happened. I did not process a single goddamned piece of information in that last hour. Today I can't even tell you what that last hour was about. I think it might have been about graphs. Possibly. It's not even that my mind wandered, because I was making an effort to be present and to watch and listen. It was like someone had erected a barrier that repelled all learning in my head.
It's really fucking depressing, is what it is.
Fifteen years ago I was an honours student who was able to memorise hundreds of pages of poetry and quote literature/movies/songs at will. Now? I can't even remember the content of a beginner-level word processing class that took place yesterday. I just turned 35. By the time I'm 45 will I have so little brainpower left that I'll forget that it's a bad idea not to turn on the hair dryer while I'm in the tub? Cripes.
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Date: 2014-01-16 06:42 pm (UTC)I mean, there is no guarantee that it is associated with age, so there may be something you can do to improve things!
Are there things that you have an easier time focusing on or remembering?
I mean, there is a legitimate argument to be made that sitting through a full day of computer training will tax anyone's ability to focus by the end of the day, too. I don't mean to minimize your problems, but there are other factors to consider as well in this particular situation.
Also, honestly, feel free to tell me to shut up with things if I am being the opposite of helpful. I don't want to make you feel worse.
no subject
Date: 2014-01-16 07:22 pm (UTC)These experienced practitioners are either liars, had better teachers than you, or have forgotten how difficult their practices were at the beginning. Any meditative practice is difficult to do well. That said, it's not that difficult to do poorly, and people seem to get better almost automatically if they keep at it. The difficult part is keeping at it in the apparent absence of any sort of progress to reinforce the behaviour. I remember hearing a story once about someone who was visiting a buddhist monastery, and saw a group meditation exercise where the monk running the exercise was ringing a bell every 5 seconds. He asked the monk about how hard it must be to maintain focus with the bell reinging so often, and the monk responded that the bell is a reminder to return to the intended focus for the meditation. Asking then if the frequency didn't seem a bit high, the monk explained that holding one's focus on a single thing for an entire 5 seconds is extraordinarily difficult, even for a well-trained monk.
I'd recommend avoiding abstractions as subjects of mindfulness (at least at first, maybe after a few years of practice you might decide to tackle them), and also starting with things that are relatively low-stakes. Also to make sure the practice happens regularly, just attach it to something else that happens regularly. As an example, maybe you could be mindful of the sensations in your legs and feet as you walk from your car to your desk at work at the beginning of your shift. I suggest this one because it has the nice side-benefit where, as you get into your practice, and either enjoy its benefits, or simply enjoy the practice itself, it's not hard to increase the amount of time you spend doing it by simply parking farther from the door. On top of that you don't have to burn all that much extra time in order to work it into your routine (I mean what are you actually doing with your mind during that walk?).