Corner of Bourbon & Division

I completely forgot that I wanted to set up the vermicomposting bins today, even though the worms themselves haven't arrived. They were supposed to be ready between Wednesday and Friday of last week, but I haven't heard anything from the company I ordered them from. If I don't hear from them by tomorrow, I will reach out and see what's happening there. Luckily for me, KK remembered about the bins and reminded me of my intention. She actually did the bulk of the work, which was drilling holes in the Rubbermaid bins I bought (for air and drainage). She really enjoys putting things together and using power tools,  so I offered to have her do it, which she did with great glee. I then spent about ten minutes cutting up strips of newsprint paper to serve as bedding, and now the system is ready to go as soon as we get the worms. I'm very excited to get started on the vermicomposting, and I really hope the worms are available soon.

I'm not sure how I forgot about a project that I was so excited about. I am pretty sure I don't have a brain worm, but it's been getting so much harder to deal with all this stupid brain fog. I feel like I've been chasing the dragon of clear thinking and energy to do things for years now. I think I may have actually overdone it on that front, so I've decided to stop taking all the supplements I've been trying out and reintroducing them one by one after a week or so, to see if they're actually making a difference or not. I'm trying to be more scientific about things, in a weird way, because I'm not a scientist, obviously. I just want to see if I feel more tired or lethargic if I don't take them, or if after a week or two I start taking them again and notice an improvement.

In similar exciting news, I finally got myself organized enough to call the sleep clinic where my doctor referred me last July. I had been forgetting to contact my doctor's office to get their contact information for three weeks, and I finally remembered on Tuesday. They got back to me on Wednesday night, and I actually remembered to call during their opening hours on Thursday (I know!). I was initially told I should expect at least another six month wait, because the average wait time is about a year for new patients. I politely inquired if they had a cancellation list, and lo! the receptionist I was speaking to asked me if I was planning to go away over March break. When I replied that I was staying put, she offered me a spot on March 15th. That's still nearly two months away, but that's way better than the six-plus months I was initially told to expect. I know several people who've told me that getting a CPAP machine was a game changer for them, but I also know a couple of people for whom it made not a jot of difference, and I'm a little terrified of being in the latter category. I already seem to be in the 10-15% of people for whom ADHD stimulant medication doesn't work, and I am more than a little envious of all the people who said taking those meds was life-changing. I've tried four different medications since 2019, and I have yet to see any of the brain chemistry-altering effects I was promised. So, yeah. Part of me is hopeful that the sleep study will find something conclusive and that I'll finally get on top of all the crushing fatigue and brain fog, and another part of me is worried that either they won't find anything, or that they will find something but I'll be resistant to treatment.

Anyway, it's a ways off yet, so I'm going to try not to worry about it too hard until it's closer to the date. 

In the meantime, it's going to be a busy week. Tomorrow I'm finally getting the car rust-proofed (I tried making the appointment in the first weeks of December, and this is the earliest I could get in!), after which I have an appointment for Peggy at the vet to get her bum squished, as we euphemistically refer to an anal gland expression. On Tuesday I have a therapy appointment in the early afternoon, Wednesday I have an appointment at the bariatric clinic (I may get into that in a later post), on Thursday I have an appointment with a naturopath for the first time in my life (more on that later as well, I think), and Friday morning is the monthly meeting of Ministry & Counsel. I'm working the four to midnight shift all week, so I rather think that I'm going to be exhausted come the weekend. I plan to sleep in on Saturday morning and then I've planned a Zoom hangout with friends on Saturday afternoon, where we're going to shoot the shit and work on whatever projects we have going on that day. I don't remember the last time I had stuff on every single day of the week, and the very thought of it is tiring. Hopefully it won't be that bad.

Have a great week, everyone!

 I am quite tired tonight. I had a whole bunch of things I wanted to post about, and they've all vanished out of my head.

The plan for tonight, therefore, will be video games and then bed. Perhaps tomorrow my brain will start functioning again.

I have come lately to the conclusion that I suck at mindfulness. I'm not sure how people manage it at all, to be honest.

Experienced practitioners of mindfulness (or whatever else you want to call it), speak of it being effortless. You're not meant to think about it, just to be aware of what you're doing and the consequences of your actions, and to be aware of your feelings.

I am not so much aware of any of these things. I get distracted extraordinarily easy. I don't generally pause to consider my feelings. When I do realise I was feeling something potentially harmful to myself, it's hours or days later. "Gee, I probably could have handled that better if I'd been mindful of my emotions." So, not helpful.

I've read quite a few books on mindfulness and related topics, and they always seem like a really good idea at the time. Except that they require me to put these things into practice, and I can never seem to remember to actually do it at the time. I don't know, does anyone have a good way to work around this? I'm curious to know.

When I was sitting in class yesterday, I worked out in my head (after the fact), that these days I can properly focus my attention for about 20 minutes when I am rested (more or less). In the morning I was able to pay attention in class for 20 minute chunks, then I'd realise at the half-hour mark that I'd lost track and have to scramble to figure out what was going on. By the afternoon, that number had dwindled to 5-7 minutes before my brain would shut down and meander along other avenues of thought. Or worse, it would shut down and not think of anything.

In the last hour of the course I tried to force myself to focus completely on the course, and my mind revolted. I stared at the projector screen and listened intently to the teacher as she spoke and... nothing happened. I did not process a single goddamned piece of information in that last hour. Today I can't even tell you what that last hour was about. I think it might have been about graphs. Possibly. It's not even that my mind wandered, because I was making an effort to be present and to watch and listen. It was like someone had erected a barrier that repelled all learning in my head.

It's really fucking depressing, is what it is.

Fifteen years ago I was an honours student who was able to memorise hundreds of pages of poetry and quote literature/movies/songs at will. Now? I can't even remember the content of a beginner-level word processing class that took place yesterday. I just turned 35. By the time I'm 45 will I have so little brainpower left that I'll forget that it's a bad idea not to turn on the hair dryer while I'm in the tub? Cripes.

This happens to me all the time. I plan things waaaaay ahead of time, because that's how stupidly busy my life is due to scheduling stuff. So things get filed away in my head under the classification "Really Far Ahead In The Future."

Unfortunately, they never get un-filed, even though objectively I know they're getting closer. So now I just realized that next weekend I'm leaving town, and I sort of planned for that, only there was an extra cooking commitment in there which I only just now remembered. *headdesk* Yeah, in my head it was all "I really need to remember that I have that thing for which I need to make lasagna in October... wait."

Hey, at least I remembered now instead of Thursday, when there would have been a mad scrambling panic.

Eesh. Brain, meet cottage cheese. The two of you have SO much in common I'm sure you'll have LOTS to talk about.