The Great Limerick Challenge

[mousme]

Okay, folks. As some of you may know, I'm a complete limerick fiend, and I want to make a compilation to fuel my obsession.

So, I want you to post all your favourite limericks right here. If you have friends who aren't on my list or who have no LJs, point them here too. :)

There is no limit to the number of limericks anyone should post. In fact, I encourage you to post as many as you can think of. Feel free to make some up, too.

Have at it!

Comments

[elanya.livejournal.com]

*eyes her 1700+ Limerick collection*

"This is the largest collection of limericks ever published, erotic or otherwise. Of the 1700 printed here, none are otherwise."

.... so you sure about this? ^_^

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Go for it!

[curtana.livejournal.com]

On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Were tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braille.

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

*guffaw* *cough* *sputter*

[joenotcharles.livejournal.com]

HAH! Except the second line doesn't scan. Adding the word "all" would fix it ("were tattooed all the prices of ale"), though it's a bit contrived.

[curtana.livejournal.com]

It scans if you read it as "were TA-tooed the prices of ale" - rather than "ta-TOOED".

[joenotcharles.livejournal.com]

Er, yeah, but that's not how "tattoed" is pronounced. (Unless that's British or Australian or Texan or something? It's not how it's pronounced in my accent, anyway.)

[curtana.livejournal.com]

I assure you, it scans when I say it, and I'm not mispronouncing anything. Leave a single beat at the beginning of the second line.

My (rather feeble) attempt at representing the scansion, where the asterisks are the strong beats:

--*--*--*
(beat)-*--*--*
-*--*
--*--*
--*--*--*

[sorceror.livejournal.com]

METER WARS! ^_^

[joenotcharles.livejournal.com]

If I'm following that right, you're still putting the emphasis an TA instead of TOOED - which is not how "tattoed" is pronounced when you're reading it naturally! (If you DO pronounce tattooed that way when reading it naturally, just say so and I'll drop the whole thing.)

I don't mean to make a big deal out of this, but poetry (with rigid meter, like limericks) that has to be contorted by moving emphasis arond instead of being read naturally is a huge pet peeve of mine.

Another way to fix it would be "ta-TOOED were the / PRICE-es of ale", except that makes the grammar awkward.

[miseri.livejournal.com]

It scanned perfectly well for me. But then, I read it as "were t'TOOED, the prices of ale".

[joenotcharles.livejournal.com]

That's even worse than "TA-tooed" - I can't even figure out what you mean by that, since the line is missing a syllable, and as far as I can tell you're trying to make it scan by dropping a syllable!

[mousme.livejournal.com]

So it's a trochee instead of an iamb. Poetic license. Adding "all" doesn't really make it scan any better: it just adds a syllable.

[curtana.livejournal.com]

YES! That's the term I was (feebly) trying to think of up there. Damn, it's been nearly 10 years since I took Poetics ;)

[mousme.livejournal.com]

*rofl*

Yeah. It's only been seven years since I took it, so I have three fewer years to sift through. ;)

Damn, 19 seems far away now... when the hell did I get to be 26? Who authorized that? :P

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

My favorites are generally on the abstract side.

There once was a girl from Perdue
Whose limericks end at line two.

(You need that one to get the companion voulme:)

There once was a girl from Verdun.

[odheirre.livejournal.com]

And don't forget Gardner's version...

There was a young girl in Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
     When someone asked why,
     She said with a sigh,
"It's because I always attempt to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."

[elanya.livejournal.com]

that's awesome ^-^

[elanya.livejournal.com]

a clip form a longer limerick poem called 'Socially Conscious Pornography'

We've socially conscious biography
Esthetics, and social geography.
But today every firled
Boasts it Marxian yield,
So now there's class-conscious pornography

Oh the worker is nobody's fool
For by rights he's the man with the tool.
His ponderous prick'll
Arise with the scickle
And bugger the Fascists who rule

----

The was a young girl of East Lynne
Whose mother, to save her from sin
Had filled up her crack
To the brim with shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.

-----------

When a lecherous curate at Leeds
Was discovered, one day, in the weed
Astride a young nun,
He said, "Christ, this is fun!
Far better than telling one's beads!"

-----------

A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt
This versitile spout
Could be turned inside out
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.

-----------

There was a young lady named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth
She said "Try as I can,"
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with!"

-----------

There was a young lady at sea
Who said "God, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me!"

-----------

The was a young lady from Cue
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too!"

------------

....and finally, here is one for Rainero!

A young man with a passion quite vast
used to talk about making it last
Till one day he discovered
His sister uncovered
And now he fucks often -- and fast!

A couple that the Poxy Boggards use

[griffen.livejournal.com]

There was a young man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard on the moon!
When you'd least expect 'em,
They'd rip from his rectum
Like the roar of an angry baboon.

There was a young man from Kildare
Who was having his wife on the stair.
The banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

[elanya.livejournal.com]

Oh right, from the cover jacket....


The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgeons
And masculine urgeons
And swarms with errotic effex.

[chasingthenuns.livejournal.com]

A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

[miseri.livejournal.com]

There once was a girl from Kilbride
Who ate so many apples -- she died!
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
Makin' cider inside 'er inside.

There once was a man so benighted
He never knew when he was slighted.
He went to a party
And dined just as hearty --
As though he'd been really invited.

How's the job going?

[sorceror.livejournal.com]

There once was a lim'rick fanatic
Whose love for the form was dramatic:
But her job drove her mad,
So, although it was sad,
She ended up locked in an attic. :(

Here's a happier version...

[sorceror.livejournal.com]

There once was a lim'rick fanatic
Whose demand for the things was emphatic:
So her friends sent in more
By the dozen and score,
Thus making their pal most ecstatic! :)

[swestrup]

There once was a lady named Bright.
Who's speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

---

There once was a lovely young lass
Who had a remarkable ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

I have a variation of that last one which is:

There was a young man from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass
Not round and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

It's one of my favourites. :)

[slipjig.livejournal.com]

Forgot about this one (and probably for good reason): When dwivian posted a short silly verse about Jesus, someone responded, "At least it didn't start with, 'There once was a fellow from Nazareth.'" Knowing a challenge when I see one, I threw together the following:

There once was a fellow from Nazareth
Who raised from the dead poor old Lazaruth
Saying, as he returned,
"Now I hope you have learned
That your smoking is terribly hazardouth.

Yes, I need more sleep. Why do you ask?

[odheirre.livejournal.com]

There once was a fellow from Nazareth
Who was feeling quite cross and beref'
   "I can heal the blind,
   and those with no mind,
But there stands a man who is deaf!"