Right over the edge

[mousme]

Part of me doesn't really want to write a long, rambling entry about the end of November, and depression, and everything that goes with it. A really big part of me, actually.

I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to see people. Hell, even LJ seems overwhelming right now, although it's counterbalanced by my insatiable curiosity about the people I know. Just like the little elephant in the "Just So Stories." :P

Right now my strongest impulse is to call everyone I know and cancel everything I have planned for the next three months, and then hide for a while.

Obviously, that would be selfish and impractical. So I'll just have to suck it up and deal. It's what I do best.

I hate this time of year. I hate having to smile and pretend that everything's fine.

Please for the love of God don't tell me that I don't have to do that. I do. I don't even stop to think about it. If someone asks me how I am, I will automatically smile and say I'm fine. I don't really want to change that, either. I can write about what I'm feeling, but I dislike talking about it. It always comes out like pathetic whining, especially since my problems aren't that bad compared to so many others. So I won't talk about it, or at least not in depth. Smiling and saying that things are fine is my way of coping with the outside world. I fall apart on my own time. Smiling in public lets me hang onto my sanity just that little bit longer.

...

God, this entry is depressing. I'm going to stop now. Sheesh.

Comments

[thothmeister.livejournal.com]

It sounds as if you have a form of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), like what savageknight faces every year at this time also.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Sort of. It's actually Bipolar Disorder, with seasonal variances.

[chasingthenuns.livejournal.com]

fine = fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional

so, technically it sounds like you're not lying. :) hang in there.

[mellybean71.livejournal.com]

Cookies will fix it-- they fix everything.

Come to my cookie baking thing on the 10th and bake away your troubles. Details are forthcoming, check my journal.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

I may have something else already on the 10th. I shall get back to you.

[striped.livejournal.com]

Smiling in public might actually be good, if you're not denying your feelings from yourself much. What helps me when I'm starting to slide into depression is simply not hiding--if I lurk in my own room and wallow in my depressive thoughts and feel guilty over not doing anything, it just gets worse. Doing something might actually distract me.

Just my two cents. In any case, I wish you light and strength.

[gmarc.livejournal.com]

This may not fix everything, but it may help for a little while: More COW-BELL!

MLG

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Cowbell helps in any situation. It's like red-headed fiddle wenches: there isn't a situation out there that they don't improve.

[caitlin.livejournal.com]

I would say that if you do not feel like sucking it up, pretending to smile and pretending everything is fine.... then don't.

but I will say this much: It has been my experience that isolating when I am in the 'I don't wanna see nobody!' sort of moods will only make that mood worse.

Good luck. And my offer of calling or chatting or whatever still stands.

Let me know, k?

And, remember, no time is too late.

C.

[jdhobbes.livejournal.com]

Grinning and bearing it is how most of us get through the darker times. Hugs in the meantime.

[luvenditti.livejournal.com]

just think, you can come to my house and stuff yourself so full of soup you won't be able to think about anything except ..

.... ooooooaaaarrrdggggggg ...fffffffffffulllllllll (burp)

My uncle suffers from much the same sort of thing...

[fearsclave.livejournal.com]

...as do I, although like everything else mine is several orders of magnitude less severe than his.

So how about coming zucchini hunting one of these days? Worked wonders for him the other day :).

Barring that the forecast is for lots of snow ( http://www.weatheroffice.ec.gc.ca/city/pages/qc-147_metric_e.html ) so nowshoeing and ice fishing etc will soon be upon us :).

Re: My uncle suffers from much the same sort of thing...

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Woo! Fun in the cold!

Zucchini hunting would be fun, but not for a few weeks at least. Gas prices make going out to the Back Forty more than once a month prohibitive, sadly.

Re: My uncle suffers from much the same sort of thing...

[looking4wings.livejournal.com]

What you do is drive after work to the master zucchini hunter's work, leave your car there and hitch a ride out to the back forty where you borrow a bed in either house attached to said forty!

There - solved - right? I'm sure that more cookies are just hiding out in the room with the raisins and walnuts.

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

I hear you.

[kimberly-a.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to pop my head up and say that I'm sorry and that I know platitudes don't help. Just know that I'm thinking about you.