So, umm, yeah... therapy
Sep. 29th, 2003 04:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousme:::Disclaimer: this post is open, but you don't have to read it if you don't want to hear me wibble about my evaluation at the McGill University Sexual Identity Clinic (MUSIC). You've been warned. :::
Went to the MUSIC for my evaluation today. Not sure what to make of it at all.
Filled out the standard form that figures out how depressed I'm supposed to be (hate that questionnaire, as it never ever supposes that one might be manic or hypomanic), then another questionnaire about my attitude towards my sexual orientation.
Spoke for 45 minutes with a young guy named Martin who asked the standard questions about my background, history, etc. He was nice enough, laughed at my jokes, but seemed genuinely confused as to why I'd been referred to that clinic. More questions about whether I had bi/gay friends, how supportive they were, etc. Of course I told him that all my friends and my other friends are wonderful and supportive and think it's pretty cool that I came out of the closet. More questions about whether I'd dated a woman before (affirmative), had sexual relations with a woman (negative, sadly), etc., etc.
Waited in the hallway for a while, and worked on the multicoloured scarf I'm knitting for myself. It's multicoloured yarn, so it gives sort of a rainbow effect, so I've named it my Pride Scarf. ^_^ Got a compliment on it from Martin.
Then I got interviewed by the "real" doctor in charge, Karine Igartua. That was a lot more unpleasant, hence the wibbling.
She asked me how I'd obtained an appointment with Dr. Steiner to begin with, as I wasn't his "usual" type of patient. (She gave me to understand that he worked with extreme and marginal cases) I explained that it was a favour to someone I knew, and she kind of pursed her lips at me, said "Ah. Well, that makes sense." and then scribbled it (or something else, for all I know) on her pad of paper.
Then she told me that she wasn't sure what the clinic was supposed to do for me. I couldn't exactly help her out there, except to point out that Dr. Steiner seemed keen on my coming out to my parents, and maybe that's what he wanted me to have help with. She took more notes, and then ran through a number of the questions I'd already gone over with Martin. That was either because she hadn't read his notes, or maybe because she wanted to see if I'd change my answers or something a second time around. I didn't. but I don't know what she thought that meant.
After that, she told me that she'd never seen questionnaire scores as high as mine on the "attitude towards sexual orientation" part of the questionnaire in the four years they'd been giving it. From this she deduced that I wasn't in touch at all with my feelings on the matter and that I had only given the "politically correct" answers, because there's naturally no way in hell that I could possibly be that comfortable with my own sexuality and be that open with people (even though I had circled several responses in the questionnaire to indicate that I wasn't open about it with my parents).
She told me that the "fun" me wasn't real, that I was an "entertainer" and that no one really knew the real me, and that I would never have a meaningful relationship with anyone because of this (unless I changed, of course). She concluded that I obviously had a fear of intimacy (because I've never had a sexual relationship with a woman, I assume).
She also told me that I shouldn't be on medication, that my mood swings could all be cured by psychotherapy. Clearly all my hypomanic and depressive episodes are due to my intellectualising and distancing myself from my emotions. But if I learn to embrace the feelings, then all will be well with the world.
...
*sigh*
So, yeah. This is the kind of stuff that's sort of been de-bunked in the last fifteen or twenty years. I'm not averse to psychotherapy, but I don't think that bipolar can magically be cured by psychotherapy either.
Not to mention that she wants to put me in group therapy with other people who are incapable of intimacy. I'm willing to give it a shot, but I have serious doubts about this. I don't understand how listening to other people's problems is going to help out *that* much. I mean, I do learn from hearing about other people's stories, but I can do that on the internet, thank you very much. Then again, I can't afford the $70 a week that private psychotherapy would cost.
Gah.
This woman basically just invalidated the last three years of my life in one hour. Is that even possible?
Went to the MUSIC for my evaluation today. Not sure what to make of it at all.
Filled out the standard form that figures out how depressed I'm supposed to be (hate that questionnaire, as it never ever supposes that one might be manic or hypomanic), then another questionnaire about my attitude towards my sexual orientation.
Spoke for 45 minutes with a young guy named Martin who asked the standard questions about my background, history, etc. He was nice enough, laughed at my jokes, but seemed genuinely confused as to why I'd been referred to that clinic. More questions about whether I had bi/gay friends, how supportive they were, etc. Of course I told him that all my friends and my other friends are wonderful and supportive and think it's pretty cool that I came out of the closet. More questions about whether I'd dated a woman before (affirmative), had sexual relations with a woman (negative, sadly), etc., etc.
Waited in the hallway for a while, and worked on the multicoloured scarf I'm knitting for myself. It's multicoloured yarn, so it gives sort of a rainbow effect, so I've named it my Pride Scarf. ^_^ Got a compliment on it from Martin.
Then I got interviewed by the "real" doctor in charge, Karine Igartua. That was a lot more unpleasant, hence the wibbling.
She asked me how I'd obtained an appointment with Dr. Steiner to begin with, as I wasn't his "usual" type of patient. (She gave me to understand that he worked with extreme and marginal cases) I explained that it was a favour to someone I knew, and she kind of pursed her lips at me, said "Ah. Well, that makes sense." and then scribbled it (or something else, for all I know) on her pad of paper.
Then she told me that she wasn't sure what the clinic was supposed to do for me. I couldn't exactly help her out there, except to point out that Dr. Steiner seemed keen on my coming out to my parents, and maybe that's what he wanted me to have help with. She took more notes, and then ran through a number of the questions I'd already gone over with Martin. That was either because she hadn't read his notes, or maybe because she wanted to see if I'd change my answers or something a second time around. I didn't. but I don't know what she thought that meant.
After that, she told me that she'd never seen questionnaire scores as high as mine on the "attitude towards sexual orientation" part of the questionnaire in the four years they'd been giving it. From this she deduced that I wasn't in touch at all with my feelings on the matter and that I had only given the "politically correct" answers, because there's naturally no way in hell that I could possibly be that comfortable with my own sexuality and be that open with people (even though I had circled several responses in the questionnaire to indicate that I wasn't open about it with my parents).
She told me that the "fun" me wasn't real, that I was an "entertainer" and that no one really knew the real me, and that I would never have a meaningful relationship with anyone because of this (unless I changed, of course). She concluded that I obviously had a fear of intimacy (because I've never had a sexual relationship with a woman, I assume).
She also told me that I shouldn't be on medication, that my mood swings could all be cured by psychotherapy. Clearly all my hypomanic and depressive episodes are due to my intellectualising and distancing myself from my emotions. But if I learn to embrace the feelings, then all will be well with the world.
...
*sigh*
So, yeah. This is the kind of stuff that's sort of been de-bunked in the last fifteen or twenty years. I'm not averse to psychotherapy, but I don't think that bipolar can magically be cured by psychotherapy either.
Not to mention that she wants to put me in group therapy with other people who are incapable of intimacy. I'm willing to give it a shot, but I have serious doubts about this. I don't understand how listening to other people's problems is going to help out *that* much. I mean, I do learn from hearing about other people's stories, but I can do that on the internet, thank you very much. Then again, I can't afford the $70 a week that private psychotherapy would cost.
Gah.
This woman basically just invalidated the last three years of my life in one hour. Is that even possible?
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 01:17 pm (UTC)Honey, I think you're just beginning to explore who you are, and doing it on your own schedule. That woman seems to have some sort of timetable on which you should have everything sorted out, and your life proceeding according to what society says it should be.
You are not a lemming and that, as Martha Stewart would say, is a good thing.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 01:25 pm (UTC)I think some of the rest of the stuff this woman said was bupkus, but I understand her motivations for that part of it, at least. And coming out to your folks will be a step you will have to decide on, when you're ready to do it.
*hugs lots*
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 01:27 pm (UTC)Not if you don't let her invalidate them! (And, with that triumphant piece of advice, I remind myself that I'd probably be feeling very similarly if I were in your shoes).
I'm confused as to what the function of this clinic is. I was previously under the impression that it was an LGBT-friendly environment that assisted said individuals in dealing with their respective mental illnesses (which may or may not intersect in any meaningful way with their sexual orientation). That would have been, I'd think, an ideal place for you: you could discuss bi-polar disorder without fear of having your sexuality read as a contributing factor. You wouldn't have to endure the heterosexist assumption that, because you're a lesbian, and therefore "other," your lesbianism somehow precludes the impact any extant mental health issues. In other words, it would be a "safe space."
But, judging from the clinician's response, it appears to be a facility that helps people "come to terms with" their sexual identity. And, strangely, that works against you and your therapy-goals, doesn't it? I mean, it's nice that they acknowledge and affirm your sexuality, but it also seems that they are pretty resolute about pinning any-and-everything "problematic" (for lack of a better word) in your life on the fact that you are gay. (Or, rather, that you're gay and haven't "dealt with it" to their liking).
On the up-side, maybe you could meet a nice girl who's afraid of intimacy in your mutual support group! (Kidding! And, glaring boundary issues aside, the relationship would probably end up being pretty dull for you anyway, what with her inevitable fear of intimacy!).
Good luck.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 01:34 pm (UTC)So'm I. I thought the same thing you did, but clearly they're there to help people come to terms with their sexuality. I'm perfectly happy and okay with being a lesbian. My issues stem from other areas, for once. ;)
On the up-side, maybe you could meet a nice girl who's afraid of intimacy in your mutual support group!
Don't laugh, I made the same joking comment to myself as I left. Then I smacked myself for even contemplating such a thing. ;)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 01:40 pm (UTC)I personally would simply dismiss things like this said by someone who has seen me for five minutes. These are big issues, people don't all fit into boxes or tick-sheet profiles, and your experiences are perfectly valid whether or not they fit this woman's stereotypes.
I would want to build up trust with a doctor before having them pronounce on things like this. I had counselling for a while, and it took a long while of discussing my education and my problems at university and my parents before I even started bringing the more unusual elements of my sexuality into the mix, for fear my perfectly well-balanced interest in non-vanilla activities would be read as disordered. By the time we had talked through other issues I knew that my counsellor was not going to judge the situation in that way, so I was fine.
*hug* I wish I could be more helpful. I have an urge to email you but I'm not quite sure what I'd say that I can't say here :)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 01:41 pm (UTC)a) You're coming off your tether about your feelings and OMG teh drama and it's up to the therapist to fix it, which could take year after lucrative year; or
b) The only reason you feel well adjusted about any aspect of your life is because you're masking your identity trauma and intellectualizing everything. The therapist must help you root out the true nature of your identity and help you fix these problems, year after lucrative year.
I'd suggest finding a therapist who's not filtering everybody through an abnormal psych screen. (They are out there - somehow, they've learned to utter the phrase, "you're well-adjusted." They know therapy and progress can, and should, have an ending point.) You know what your issues are, you know what needs to be "fixed," and you know what you've sorted out.
"I don't need a course in self-awareness to find out who I am." - Weird Al
Re: therapy
Date: 2003-09-29 01:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 04:44 pm (UTC)I'm not quite sure of the logic of putting people who have a fear of intimacy into a group and expecting them to spill their guts. Isn't that kind of like telling a group of pyromaniacs that they're having sessions in a gas station and expecting them to leave the matches at home? If they did that to me, I'd end up doing what I do in any group; make jokes, play tho fool, and deftly evade any modicum of self-revelation.
Sorry, this was supposed to be upbeat and encouraging, so, ummm, ahh, You go girl?
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 05:17 pm (UTC)1) What's the address of this place, since I think that this doctor needs a nice letter bomb to wake her up to reality?
2) Hon, don't let this woman take away what you've worked so hard towards. *You* know the truth that you're perfectly fine with yourself as a person and as a lesbian - she has only a piece of crap questionnaire and her own skewed views of the situation to go on.
I know its easier said than done, because psychotherapists - like doctors - are generally highly educated people whom we've been taught to revere as pretty much always being right. Or at least to be in the ballpark of the right thing.
Well, I hate to say it, but that's a crock of old hooey. Yes, they're educated, but they're no less fallible and open to bias than the rest of us. Its even worse if they don't want to be where they are.
Now the only thing I can suggest is that you give whatever she's suggesting a bash. *shrug* Who knows, maybe it'll be more helpful than it sounds, and maybe you'll make some pals from it. But if you think that its not helping or actually causing you to backslide, *get out* without looking back. And tell the damn doctor as much.
*huggles tightly* I wish I could be more help hon, but without being physically present to do some bitchslapping (not you, of course) this is the best I can do.
Of course, if I was a Canadian resident I'd take care of that physical intimacy thing for ya licketysplit *nudge*nudge*wink*wink*
no subject
Date: 2003-09-29 05:42 pm (UTC)((huge hugs))
Dionne
Stupid shrink.
Date: 2003-09-29 06:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-09-30 03:28 am (UTC)Also, there's no way someone can know you profoundly after talking to you for an hour or something.
This is not to say you shouldn't think of the fact that they might have a point somewhere there. But it's possible that there isn't one. Don't let her make you think there is.
(Oh, and I love that Leonard Cohen song, too.)