*mutters something incomprehensible*

I am up waaaay too early for my own good. Honestly, on the only day of the week I can sleep in, how fair is it to wake up at 9am and not be able to go back to sleep, huh?

Stupid internal alarm clock is apparently set for 9am, which is too late to get to work on time but too early for sleeping in. Feh.

Had a quiet if stressful day at work yesterday, and a v. pleasant evening with the Paternal Unit. Culinarily speaking, it was almost a total bust. He got me to try a new Belgian beer called Delirium Nocturnus (an offshoot of the very nice Delirium Tremens, which is something like 12% alcohol) which was kind of putrid, and then offered me a Guinness, which unfortunately was bottled and didn't taste good at all. He then undercooked the artichokes to the point where they were truly inedible. The steak was mouth-watering, however, and the potatoes were actually not overcooked for once. Dessert was a Corne D'Abondance which sadly had too much crust and not enough chantilly cream, but was still good.

Yes, I know it's a miracle that my father actually cooked, but since my mother's been going on business trips again he's had to start fending for himself, and when I come to dinner he actually tries to cook, which is nice.

I got completely and irrationally upset on the way home. For some reason all the streets for a long way were blocked by the police, preventing me from taking any immediately accessible routes home. I suspect St. Patrick's Day might be responsible. I don't know why I got so upset, but all I wanted was to go home, and no matter where I turned there were police cars preventing me from getting there. By the end I was in tears, for no really good reason except that I was tired and stressed and what was supposed to be a ten-minute drive had taken nearly forty minutes and all I wanted was to go home and hug my cats and go to bed.

I felt better almost immediately upon entering the apartment. It was scary, actually. In the car I was a hysterical mess, and for the first time in months my thoughts had actually seriously turned back to the possibility of cutting (for no apparent reason, like I said), but once I was home nothing seemed quite so dire anymore.

I got online and chatted a bit to firewillow about applications to aparecium_rpg, and twenty minutes later I was completely okay again. I don't know what in tarnation (love that word) is making me into such an emotional basket case: I'm taking my meds, doing reasonably okay at my job even if I don't like it, and objectively speaking things aren't so bad. So what the hell is going on?

I hate being such an emotional fuckwit. I hate that small things can turn into a crisis of epic proportions. I have no sense of proportions at all. I mean, other people are dealing with serious problems, like cancer and joblessness and life and death, and here I am bursting into tears because of a road block. *rolls eyes*

My cold is kind of back. It seems to be worse in the mornings, which is odd, as in the past I've tended to feel worse in the evenings once my day is over. I just want it to go away, dammit.

I'm just fed up with feeling sorry for myself. I can't do it for long without feeling like I'm being completely ridiculous, and then I just hate myself without the sorry for myself part. It's not a nice feeling, but sometimes I just don't know how to get rid of it anymore, cognitive therapy or no cognitive therapy.

Stop the world, I want to get off

Am obviously on a major down swing in spite of the lovely meds. If I actually had a meds doctor I would talk to him/her about switching from an SSRI to a mood-stabiliser (Paxil sucks ass anyway because of all the discontinuation effects, and I don't want to be on it for the rest of my life). However, I only have the GP who seems very intent on getting me the hell out of his office as quickly as possible every time I see him. Maybe he feels I'm wasting his time with all my imaginary ailments.

Buggery and damnation.

I have a ton of things that need doing and have absolutely no inclination to get them done whatsoever.

I think I'll try making a list of the 100 things I need to get done and then make it my goal to get them all done one by one. It's a suggestion that I got from The Procrastinator's Handbook which firewillow gave me about two years ago. I've been procrastinating on a few important things that really need to get done before they come back to bite me in the ass soon. ^^;

I have a pad of paper somewhere for making lists that I'll hunt for as soon as I've finished this entry. LiveJournal: the new way to procrastinate.

I hate being depressed. It's like trying to swim in a lake of bubblegum. (I hate the smell of bubblegum, for those of you who are puzzled by the analogy)

Then again, I don't really like my hypomanic episodes either. I hate feeling constantly as though I'm on a sugar high or have had too much caffeine, having my thoughts race a million miles an hour and not being able to focus on anything at all for more than five minutes at a time.

Funny how both being hypomanic *and* being depressed seem to affect my attention span. When I'm depressed I feel "bored" and kind of wander from activity to activity without much interest in anything, and when I'm hypomanic I start ten million projects that never get finished. I really hate that. I haven't touched my knitting since Wednesday, so I guess I must have started getting depressed on Thursday. I want to continue on my blanket but can't summon the enthusiasm right now.

Right now I just feel like hiding under the dining room table with my huggie (my blanket which I haven't seen in about ten or twelve years) and my cats and be miserable and wibbly and sniffly and maybe eat some chocolate.

Instead I'm going to at least attempt not to become a completely depressed puddle on the ground and maybe do some cognitive therapy exercises or something. Anything to keep me from falling apart.

Tomorrow I get a new schedule at work. I'm torn because I'd like a slightly lighter work load, which would mean a less stressed-out Phnee, but because of the recent financial debacle I'm hesitant to do that in case some other random badness happens. *beats head on desk*

How-to stuff that I would eventually like to do

'Cause these books'll come in handy someday. Needless to say, they don't actually have to be Complete Idiot's Guides, but these are just the titles I happened to stumble upon today while trying to keep busy. ;)

( All The Hobbies I Want To Pursue But Probably Won't Have Time For )

Okay, I think that's enough castles in Spain for one day.