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mousmeIt's not a secret that I really enjoy external validation. This has been part of my identity since I was a kid. While I do derive some satisfaction out of the things I do, I've always liked it better when I played to an audience. Music, writing, cooking, whatever, I never enjoyed it more than when I could share it with other people. Sure, I can cook myself a nice meal, but why would I do that when I can cook a nice meal for more than just myself, and have other people enjoy it too? What's the point of writing a story if I'm going to shove it in a drawer, literally or metaphorically?
I'm a people-pleaser, always have been, and there's nothing I like more than sharing what I love with other people, and watching them enjoy it too. Conversely, when I work hard on something and it's not well received, it ends up being pretty soul-crushing. I am better now at taking criticism than I used to be, but it's still hard for me. It's especially hard when the response is quite simply "I don't like that." The more I care about whatever it is, the harder it stings when it gets rejected. Mostly because I tend to invest myself emotionally into whatever it is, and so it's hard not to interpret that as a rejection of me, or at the very least a scathing judgement about my taste.
It's very hard for me to hear "I don't like that" and not have it translate into my head as "You're not good enough."
Now I've been hearing the refrain for a good 15+ years on how I shouldn't rely on external validation to feel good. The problem is that I have no idea how. I've always done things that I feel will help other people, or at least make them feel good, and if I feel good in the process, well, it's a bonus.
I was doing some googling and found a few articles on the net. One of them has advice which sounds like it might be a sub-chapter in The Secret. Like making a "you" section in your gratitude journal (I don't keep one).
I mean, really? What am I supposed to do? Write down: "Went to work and didn't fuck up national security today. Go me?" It's ridiculous. I can't bring myself to congratulate myself simply for existing, either. Anybody can do that.
My other favourite was this:
This feels incredibly selfish. Apart from food, shelter, and a minimal amount of sleep, my body doesn't "need" anything. So what this really is, is so-called "self-care." The do-something-nice-for-yourself-because-you're-worth-it school of thought. Take a bath! Go for a walk! Take yourself on a date! Or whatever.
The idea of taking time away from others to, I don't know, take a nap or something when there are errands to be run or other things to do feels wrong to me. I already feel like I spend most of my life not doing enough, not pulling my weight at home, not providing enough for my family, not being supportive enough, you name it. I already feel like I waste too much time on myself just by virtue of existing, which is why I try to combine my leisure activities with other productive stuff. If I watch a TV show I'll have it on in the background while I'm doing the dishes, for instance, rather than simply sitting to watch it. If I take time to write, I try to make sure I have laundry or something else on the go so that I'm not only spending time on my hobby. Even going to a once-a-month roleplaying game feels like the height of selfishness, because I'm getting nothing else done during that time, and it gnaws at me every time I go. So taking time on purpose to add to all the time I already waste on myself? No.
It goes without saying that this only applies to me. I have a great double standard for myself, because I don't remember ever thinking this sort of thing about my friends or family. Other people are entitled to take time for themselves, because it's a natural human need, and they should totally do it for their own mental health. I can't, however, make this translate to myself.
As far as I'm concerned, I already have more nice things than I deserve, so I should be doing more to make up for the fact that I don't deserve any of what I have. I'm lucky to have people who put up with me, I'm lucky to have a job that I'm able to do without being fired on the spot and that pays me enough to live comfortably. Everything good I have in life feels like I got it through sheer, unadulterated luck, and so I need to work even harder to feel like I deserve even a fraction of it.
I don't know if this even makes sense. Congratulations if you made it this far along through all the word-vomit. I think I'll disable comments on this, so that no one feels obligated to say nice things to me. That might be one way of getting rid of my need for external validation: quitting cold-turkey. :P
I'm a people-pleaser, always have been, and there's nothing I like more than sharing what I love with other people, and watching them enjoy it too. Conversely, when I work hard on something and it's not well received, it ends up being pretty soul-crushing. I am better now at taking criticism than I used to be, but it's still hard for me. It's especially hard when the response is quite simply "I don't like that." The more I care about whatever it is, the harder it stings when it gets rejected. Mostly because I tend to invest myself emotionally into whatever it is, and so it's hard not to interpret that as a rejection of me, or at the very least a scathing judgement about my taste.
It's very hard for me to hear "I don't like that" and not have it translate into my head as "You're not good enough."
Now I've been hearing the refrain for a good 15+ years on how I shouldn't rely on external validation to feel good. The problem is that I have no idea how. I've always done things that I feel will help other people, or at least make them feel good, and if I feel good in the process, well, it's a bonus.
I was doing some googling and found a few articles on the net. One of them has advice which sounds like it might be a sub-chapter in The Secret. Like making a "you" section in your gratitude journal (I don't keep one).
Note down the things you’ve done well, the choices you’ve made that you’re proud of, the progress you’ve made, and even the things that required no action at all—for example, the time you gave yourself to simply be.
I mean, really? What am I supposed to do? Write down: "Went to work and didn't fuck up national security today. Go me?" It's ridiculous. I can't bring myself to congratulate myself simply for existing, either. Anybody can do that.
My other favourite was this:
If you’re feeling down, or down on yourself, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” Or otherwise expressed: What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced?
This feels incredibly selfish. Apart from food, shelter, and a minimal amount of sleep, my body doesn't "need" anything. So what this really is, is so-called "self-care." The do-something-nice-for-yourself-because-you're-worth-it school of thought. Take a bath! Go for a walk! Take yourself on a date! Or whatever.
The idea of taking time away from others to, I don't know, take a nap or something when there are errands to be run or other things to do feels wrong to me. I already feel like I spend most of my life not doing enough, not pulling my weight at home, not providing enough for my family, not being supportive enough, you name it. I already feel like I waste too much time on myself just by virtue of existing, which is why I try to combine my leisure activities with other productive stuff. If I watch a TV show I'll have it on in the background while I'm doing the dishes, for instance, rather than simply sitting to watch it. If I take time to write, I try to make sure I have laundry or something else on the go so that I'm not only spending time on my hobby. Even going to a once-a-month roleplaying game feels like the height of selfishness, because I'm getting nothing else done during that time, and it gnaws at me every time I go. So taking time on purpose to add to all the time I already waste on myself? No.
It goes without saying that this only applies to me. I have a great double standard for myself, because I don't remember ever thinking this sort of thing about my friends or family. Other people are entitled to take time for themselves, because it's a natural human need, and they should totally do it for their own mental health. I can't, however, make this translate to myself.
As far as I'm concerned, I already have more nice things than I deserve, so I should be doing more to make up for the fact that I don't deserve any of what I have. I'm lucky to have people who put up with me, I'm lucky to have a job that I'm able to do without being fired on the spot and that pays me enough to live comfortably. Everything good I have in life feels like I got it through sheer, unadulterated luck, and so I need to work even harder to feel like I deserve even a fraction of it.
I don't know if this even makes sense. Congratulations if you made it this far along through all the word-vomit. I think I'll disable comments on this, so that no one feels obligated to say nice things to me. That might be one way of getting rid of my need for external validation: quitting cold-turkey. :P
