Corner of Bourbon & Division

So I decided today that a few things are going to change in April.

Updates as events warrant.

I've been going to bed ridiculously late all week. Decided that staying out dancing until 2am was not the answer to my sleep-deprivation problems, especially as tomorrow is not only going to start early, it's also going to finish late.

So.

Stayed home.


I have many things simmering on the back burners of my brain. You know how stoves usually only have the four heating elements? The stove in my brain seems to have been designed for a large-scale restaurant.

I don't need to rethink my life. Not right now. Things are, all in all, pretty good. I do, however, want to clarify some of the goals and projects I have in mind. I have a fair amount of energy these days, which is all to the good. I'm also feeling tired and often stressed out (mostly at work, but also about some personal stuff), which is generally a Big Neon Sign that I need to take a step back and chill the fuck out before I do something I'll regret.

The first step is getting more sleep. I always, always, and I do mean always, do better when I've slept my requisite seven to nine hours a night. So tonight there will be a slightly earlier night than previous nights this week (glancing at my clock informs me that "early" ended about two hours ago).

After that, there will be progress. Things will percolate, and there will be good results. This weekend especially, I am counting on Good Things to happen all around. I said so, therefore it's true. I dare reality to tell me otherwise.

I shall update about the bachelorette party sometime later this week, if I remember. The short version is: booze, speeches, booze, presents, booze, karaoke (I even sang in public. Eek!), more booze, and did I mention booze?

Saw the WOSM (otherwise known as looking4wings and wultabat briefly on Saturday, and was fed a sandwich and tea and got to molest Kitten, who is as adorable as ever.

Spent today with the parental units and went for Easter lunch to the home of some childhood friends. Have nothing in common with them anymore, but we try to keep in touch a couple of times a year. We grew up together, it seems to be the least we can do.

So, minor epiphany in the car on the way home, which I still have to think about. It struck me that, in spite of what I may think of myself, I'm a pretty negative person, all-around. Somewhere in the past few years I've become pretty bitter, and honestly I don't have much reason to be. Yes, I don't have a stable job, and yes, my finances are a shambles. But I have a roof over my head, a car, four wonderful cats, and more friends than I can count. I'm not sure where this sense of entitlement I have came from. Why should I want more than what I have? I have plenty of good things.

I have to think about this. Obviously, I'd like some aspects of my life to change. But I don't like the attitude I've developed lately. I don't like feeling angry about things. It takes up too much energy. It also, I think, makes me an unpleasant person to be around. I complain too much. So, it seems my attitude needs to change, first and foremost. I'm not sure how I'll do that, but I'm sure as hell going to try.

I guess we'll see how well that goes, eh? :)

I really, really wanted to go do my dance class tonight. Last week I was felled by the Massive Wall of Tired™, and tonight I have a migraine.

I can't afford to exhaust myself this week. After 40 hours of work, 4 hours of volunteering, and 6 or so hours of dancing, I'm also looking at 16 or so hours of class on Saturday and Sunday. So, I'm going to go to bed early tonight. That means that, once again, I won't be learning the intermediate dance.

*sigh*

In better news, I am accumulating a backlog for Beyond the Pale in anticipation of being super damned busy over the weekend. I've already got all my installments written up until Sunday, and if I can write one or two more tomorrow, that'll be even better. I'm going to be really busy next weekend as well, so if I can keep my buffer of one or two installments intact, then I'll be good to go.

If I've learned anything from NaNoWriMo and Jan's August Writing Challenge and my own latest attempt to catch up with the serial, it's that writing damned well is a muscle. In September of 2004, when I started writing Beyond the Pale, 1,500 words was a struggle. Not in terms of finding the words to say what I wanted, but just the sheer amount of time and effort it took to get the words out. After about four months, I fell behind and didn't bother catching up.

Then I decided to do the writing challenge in August. I had thirty-one days, and I was thirty-one weeks behind. I had already been doing a little bit more writing, so I figured it might work. It almost did. It was still a struggle to write, but not as much, and I wrote other things at the same time. I wrote fourteen installments. That was fifteen fewer installments than I had planned, but fourteen more installments than I had started out with.

When November rolled around, suddenly writing wasn't like beating my head against a brick wall anymore. I could sit down and churn out my 1, 667 words a day with very little difficulty. It took me about an hour and a half to write that much. I surprised myself by writing more than that on many days. The writing wasn't always good, but I forced myself to keep going anyway.

Now, it takes me a little over an hour to write an installment of Beyond the Pale. I treat it exactly like NaNoWriMo: I don't edit, I don't delete unless absolutely necessary. I write it and post it. It's raw, unfinished art, and that's the way I want it for now.

I am very grateful to be living my life the way I am right now. I have many friends who love to write, who are fantastic at it, but who can't because other stuff in their lives has to take priority these days. I am grateful that, while my cats may be pissed off that Mummy isn't giving them her undivided attention all the time, I don't have to watch them 24/7. I am glad that my job right now doesn't take up all my energy so that I can catch up on my writing. I am very, very grateful for what I have right now, even though it's all going to change soon enough.

I stopped writing when I was about twenty-one, and heading for my first breakdown. Before that, I wrote all the time. I wrote hundreds of pages, spent all my time writing, to the point where my mother and I used to have epic battles about whether I was going to leave the damned computer and come have dinner, now!

One day, I'm going to find that Writing Place that Ceri described again. I know that place. I used to spend a great deal of time there, but not anymore. I feel as though I've been cut off from there for a very long time.

My writing is decent. I know it is. Oftentimes it's more than decent. I just miss being in that blissed-out state in which the story practically writes itself, rather than having to think about every word and every plot twist.

t! wrote today about climbing out of the pit. About how, when you have limited amounts of time to devote to your projects and routine maintenance of your life, you end up falling behind at some point, and the catch-up game is all about clawing your way out of the giant hole in the ground.

Actually, go read it here and then come back. Really, if you haven't been reading the_exclamation up until now, well, now's a good time to start. Go! Shoo! Come back when you've read it.

Right now I'm climbing out of one pit. I've still got a number of others that need climbing, but I figure one pit at a time. When February is over, I'll only be twelve installments behind. I'm tempted to keep going, but we'll see how much energy I have left by then.

In other words, I am cautiously optimistic right now.

I forgot what a good show The Pretender was. Anyone know if Season 3 is available on DVD out there somewhere? I'm running out of episodes to watch. Then again, maybe the extra sleep will do me good while I'm not obsessing over the show. The rabid fangirl part of me now wants to go look up fanfic, but so far I've been able to stifle the impulse.

Speaking of television obsessions, does anyone out there have Seasons 3 and/or 4 of 24 that they would be willing to lend me?

Gah. Too many obsessions, not enough time. Sleep deprivation is not your friend, trust me on this. Ah well. Right now escapism through old television shows beats reality by a long shot. When the holiday lull is over, escapism through Bluebook will be pretty high up on my list as well. Reality is kind of sucking these days. Too much drudgery, not enough mad illumination.

Speaking of drudgery, I'm up to my ears in filing. Whee. Same shit, different day.

I've located a course being given in Laval that provides certification for being an emergency dispatcher. Given that the job I liked the best and turned out to be pretty damned good at involved moving people around, specifically people with trucks, then I figure it can't be too much of a stretch to go from there to actual emergency dispatcher. I'm good on the phone (even if I hate using my own), I listen well, I process information quickly, and I've got above-par communication skills in both official languages. Plus, you know, there's that whole idea of having a job which actually helps people, as opposed to being something meaningless and administrative (apologies to everyone I know who might feel targeted by that last bit).

The courses aren't that expensive, although they cost more money than I currently have, and they're given on weekends, which means that I'd still be able to work at my current job while studying. I don't know what I'd do after that, but if I manage to save enough money to take these courses, I could be properly certified by the time autumn rolls around.

...

:::ETA:::

Dear God. I've been on hold with this silly little boy for twenty minutes now (the printer is on the fritz), and now he's making problems because I don't have a proper employee number. Jesus wept.

Look, buddy, it's not my fault my boss was too "busy" to give me a permanent posting, okay? I am a temp. Wrap your tiny mind around that fact and freaking deal with it, okay? Just get someone to come fix the goddamn printer.