Corner of Bourbon & Division

I know. Snowshoes. Ice fishing. Camping in the snow. All things to look forward to, once there's enough snow and the lakes are properly frozen over.

I like winter. It's my favourite season of the year. I don't like it when it's too warm outside, even though summer is beautiful. I enjoy spring and autumn for their colours and because I like transitions, but in terms of stark, uncompromising beauty, I love winter best of all.

Unfortunately, my brain doesn't agree with me on this point. It doesn't like the fact that there's less sun, and that I spend 90% of daylight hours indoors. Starting in October and going until about February or March, my brain goes all goth on me: it dresses in dark clothes with intricate lace patterns, puts on thick black eyeliner, and writes angsty poetry about death.

November sucked in various ways this year, the way it often does. Yet I've only lately started feeling the full effects of what I guess might be called SAD, although that isn't what it is in my case. I don't have SAD, I simply have bipolar disorder with a seasonal aspect. "Simply." Heh. I don't stop cycling in winter, I just feel the "downs" more sharply than in summer, when I feel the "highs" more. In winter I generally get more mixed episodes as well.

Attendant to all this come the secondary effects, which in a way are far more frustrating than the actual illness. I get more forgetful, and the aphasia comes back in full force. Even simple words elude me in conversation, while people patiently wait for me to finish my thought, or else just talk over me because they can't be bothered to wait. Sometimes they helpfully try to supply the word I'm looking for. No matter what, I end up frustrated and angry because I feel as though I'm wasting their time and my own.

Have I mentioned that I get more forgetful? I have a reputation as a flake, and that's not accidental. I constantly forget important dates and events. I double-book myself even when I write things down. I can mitigate most of the effects by keeping a detailed datebook, but even then I still manage to screw things up on a regular basis.

Have you ever heard that memory is associated with feeling? That when you're happy you can only remember happy memories and that when you're angry you remember negative experiences? That when you're sad only unhappy memories come back to you? Well, I've found that it's true for states of mind as well: I remember different things according to whether I'm hypomanic or depressed, or dysthimic or just having a reasonably good day. That's usually when the double-booking happens, because from one day to the next I don't remember exactly what I've committed to.

Fun, eh?

Anyway, I'm not posting this for any reason other than for my own benefit. Sometimes writing these things down helps me to sort them out in my head (and procrastinate at work, too :P). Also, it might serve as an explanation for why I'm more flaky than usual around this time of year. Crazy + holidays + extra seasonal crazy = unreliable Phnee.

A more cheerful update will follow later today.