"Please don't take a picture..."

[mousme]

I spent most of March and February posting fluff in here. Or, at least, only marginal updates. I missed my LJ's five-year anniversary on the 22nd of February (or thereabouts). At least I haven't degenerated to the point of only posting memes.

The short version is that I'm sort of having a hard time right now. I won't bore you with the details. I feel pretty guilty about complaining about this, since I know so many other people have actual problems. I have a job, I'm keeping my head above water, and I'm plugging along.

The worst part of mental illness is the constant fear. Anyone who's had any sort of severe bout of mental illness or breakdown will know what I'm talking about. It's the fear that dogs your footsteps, and lurks at your heels, and tears at the edges of your reason. It's a legitimate fear, too, which makes it all the more terrible. It's the "What If" of all what ifs, and every time you have a bad day it comes back in full force. It's an overwhelming, paralyzing sensation of "Oh God, what if it's happening all over again?"

I don't want to go back. No one I know wants to go back. It's the single worst thing I can imagine ever happening to me. When I was at my worst, sometimes the only thing that kept me from suicide was the notion that my punishment, my own personal hell, would be to spend eternity feeling exactly the way I was feeling then, with no way out, no possibility of reprieve. It was the worst punishment I could think up. So I stayed alive, figuring that the devil you knew was better than the devil you didn't.

So here's the Catch-22. If you're having an off day, the thought that will immediately spring into your mind is precisely the fear that it's all starting over again, that you're in for months or years of crippling depression, of psychotic mood swings, of screaming at the people you love without really knowing why you're doing it. Years of riding along in your mind and body like a passenger, able to give directions but not quite in control of the steering wheel and the brakes and gas. The fear then builds in your mind, your anxiety levels skyrocket, and your day gets proportionately worse. Your mind then uses this as "proof" that you're going off the rails again, and the cycle perpetuates itself.

Ever wonder what it would be like to have your mind be your own worst enemy? Your mind is one of your most powerful weapons. Ever see what happens when someone turns a gun on themselves? It has much the same effect, though it's not as visible and not nearly as gory, at least not right away.

Fear is a healthy thing. It keeps you alive. Fear of sliding back into mental illness is a good thing, in certain ways: it's one part of you trying to keep the other part of you alive. Except that both parts are inextricably linked, and the fear feeds into itself.


The main point of this post is just to let people know I'm still here. If you need me, I'll be hiding under a rock for the next little while. :P

Comments

[djs-specs.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[karine.livejournal.com]

The only thing I can say is that I hope your day will get better, and that I'm there for you if you need me. I know too little of what you're going through to really, fully understand, but if there's anything you need -- someone's ear to bend, someone to cook you something yummy and/or decadent, or just someone to be there -- just let me know.

[luvenditti.livejournal.com]

peep peep

... just to say that I'm always here, even for quiet time.

[tcaptain.livejournal.com]

Sending good thoughts.

Hang in there.

I can't pretend to know what its like, but I can empathize.

I feel pretty guilty about complaining about this, since I know so many other people have actual problems. I have a job, I'm keeping my head above water, and I'm plugging along.

Fight that guilt, its your LJ, and its something that MEANS something to you, therefore it means something to your friends as well. If you don't complain and write about it, it'll just stew inside you and what good would that be?

[ai731.livejournal.com]

*nod* I knew something was up, and figured it was probably something like this. I know exactly what you mean about the fear, having been there myself. Like everyone else has said, if there's anything we can do...

[joane.livejournal.com]

[pets] I'm home Thursday am if you need/crave safe venting space outside your brainpan. I wish I could be there in person, but you know all that. {{hugs}}

[rosy1.livejournal.com]

You write with such clarity and insight about the situation that I can only think it will turn out well. (Have you ever read Kay Redfield Jamison's "An Unquiet Mind"?)

Also, no need to feel guilty "since so many people have actual problems".
I have been through what you experience with someone I love and it IS a very real problem and one that people that care about you, care about!

So, I am sending you a virtual "rosy bear hug" and hoping when you feel like up to it, we get together.

[bodhifox.livejournal.com]

First off. I am very, very glad you are here with us. How to say this? If I had to go into hell to get you back, I would. Ask some of my friends. I don't care to take that trip though, so if there is anything that I can do to give you a little bit more solid ground I will. Your absence was noted. Thank you for updating so we know where you are.

Damnit, someday you're going to meet me and know I meant what I wrote up there.

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

I feel pretty guilty about complaining about this, since I know so many other people have actual problems.

If sabotage and misfire at the most basic inner level isn't an "actual problem", then I don't know what is. Just because the problem lies inside you/your mind does not disqualify it as real. (It is very important for me to say this, despite the fact that having been where you are, I know that it won't mean to you what I need it to mean.) Although you do identify it as "legitmate" earlier, so kudos to you for that.

Fear of sliding back into mental illness is a good thing, in certain ways: it's one part of you trying to keep the other part of you alive.

What keeps me here is the thought that to give in to what it tells me to do or what would shut it up would be cheating, somehow. Similar to your own "worst punishment". Aren't we creative?

If you need somewhere to just be, with no one talking at you -- or, conversely, someone to distract you -- in the company of books which are not yours and and cats to pet who also aren't yours, you know where we are. Also, Liam evidently thinks you are Teh Awesome, and distracts nicely. It's hard to feed the fear when the world has narrowed down to wooden trains, Nemo, and Dr Seuss. (Unless you've been doing it all day, day after day, but that's a different story.)

You mean a lot to me.

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

Isn't it fascinating that most of the comments to a post which ends in "If you need me, I'll be hiding under a rock for the next little while" offer companionship? It's like we don't learn. :)

Alternatively, it may also suggest that we know being alone isn't always the answer. Sometimes it is, very certainly, but now and again it's good to change up one's MO so the crazy can't track us down as easily.

[pasley.livejournal.com]

Too tired too say anything but "Pretty much what she said. . . except for the bit about Liam. . . and probably the part about visiting, too, for now, because I'm not home much these days to be visited. . . But all that other stuff. . .and a big hug"

[vureoelt.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I don't know why you think otherwise, but this is an "actual problem", as you put it.

Since I am generally my own worst enemy, I have some inkling of where you're coming from. Not to the degree you know it, certainly, but yeah.