From the annals of "been there, done that, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

[mousme]

I seem to spend a lot of time and energy with people who want me to read their minds, and then get upset when I don't. My mother first and foremost among them.

I'm trying very hard to unlearn the lessons that have been hard-wired into me over the years. Re-writing code, to use an image with which I'm not entirely familiar, since I don't know that much about the technical aspect of computers.

The hard-wiring says:

1) What other people want is the most important thing there is.

2) You have to know what other people want even when they don't tell you.

3) If you don't know what they want, and you do/say something that goes against that, then it's your fault for making them unhappy.

4) If they seem unhappy because of the situation, then it's all your fault.

Conclusion? You suck, because you were supposed to prevent this in the first place.


I have no idea how to react to these situations anymore. It was simple, before. I'd grovel and apologize, and then all would be well. Now, though, I can sort of see the pattern, and so now I'm torn between anger and guilt, and all it does is make me bitchy and passive-aggressive. I'm angry at whoever it is for expecting me to read their mind, and I still feel guilty for not having done so (see: hard-wiring for why), and then I get even angrier at myself for still feeling guilty even though a part of me knows I shouldn't.

The result is just plain nastiness. And then more guilt for having been nasty. And, of course, no matter how I react, the other person is still upset. Unless, of course, I grovel and apologize which, as I said before, isn't happening anymore. What with the new-found self-awareness and all that.

I just can't win.

Comments

[sultrysong.livejournal.com]

I know it doesn't help much, but I completely understand. You need to take a deep breath and step as far away from the situation as you can before reacting out loud to it. You have to find your own ground before you say or do anything. That isn't even the hardest part; it's sticking to your decision, whatever it may be.

Newfound self-awareness sometimes blows. And here's something else: if you only apologize when you know you're in the wrong, those apologies are really going to mean something. If you're quick to say you're sorry for something you haven't done, it doesn't mean much, yes?

I dunno. Guess those are just the things I tell myself when my first reaction is "Oh god, please don't hate me, I'll say whatever you want."

[baronscartop.livejournal.com]

> I just can't win.

Untrue. You just need to keep score better. Try to remind yourself that your serial came out again, and it was great, and accord this an appropriate balance verus the whining of some fuckhead who wants to whine and is going to whine no matter what you do. (See, the whining's a baseline, score = 0. Anything above that is a point for you.)

I had a sign up on my wall for a month: "I wrote today. Nothing else matters." Not saying that's your slogan, but it certainly is mine, and it helped me keep perspective when other people's crap was trying to get in the way of what was important to me.

t!

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Hm.

Definitely something to think about. After coffee.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Guess those are just the things I tell myself when my first reaction is "Oh god, please don't hate me, I'll say whatever you want."

Thanks, I appreciate the advice, and I hear ya totally. The "apologize only when you know you're wrong" thing is a lot harder when everything isn't automatically your fault. :P

'Win'

[vureoelt.livejournal.com]

Sure you can, just gotta stop fighting yourself. Break the hard-wiring and so forth... yeah, yeah, I know. Easier said than done, unfortuantely. :\