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mousmeI seem to spend a lot of time and energy with people who want me to read their minds, and then get upset when I don't. My mother first and foremost among them.
I'm trying very hard to unlearn the lessons that have been hard-wired into me over the years. Re-writing code, to use an image with which I'm not entirely familiar, since I don't know that much about the technical aspect of computers.
The hard-wiring says:
1) What other people want is the most important thing there is.
2) You have to know what other people want even when they don't tell you.
3) If you don't know what they want, and you do/say something that goes against that, then it's your fault for making them unhappy.
4) If they seem unhappy because of the situation, then it's all your fault.
Conclusion? You suck, because you were supposed to prevent this in the first place.
I have no idea how to react to these situations anymore. It was simple, before. I'd grovel and apologize, and then all would be well. Now, though, I can sort of see the pattern, and so now I'm torn between anger and guilt, and all it does is make me bitchy and passive-aggressive. I'm angry at whoever it is for expecting me to read their mind, and I still feel guilty for not having done so (see: hard-wiring for why), and then I get even angrier at myself for still feeling guilty even though a part of me knows I shouldn't.
The result is just plain nastiness. And then more guilt for having been nasty. And, of course, no matter how I react, the other person is still upset. Unless, of course, I grovel and apologize which, as I said before, isn't happening anymore. What with the new-found self-awareness and all that.
I just can't win.
I'm trying very hard to unlearn the lessons that have been hard-wired into me over the years. Re-writing code, to use an image with which I'm not entirely familiar, since I don't know that much about the technical aspect of computers.
The hard-wiring says:
1) What other people want is the most important thing there is.
2) You have to know what other people want even when they don't tell you.
3) If you don't know what they want, and you do/say something that goes against that, then it's your fault for making them unhappy.
4) If they seem unhappy because of the situation, then it's all your fault.
Conclusion? You suck, because you were supposed to prevent this in the first place.
I have no idea how to react to these situations anymore. It was simple, before. I'd grovel and apologize, and then all would be well. Now, though, I can sort of see the pattern, and so now I'm torn between anger and guilt, and all it does is make me bitchy and passive-aggressive. I'm angry at whoever it is for expecting me to read their mind, and I still feel guilty for not having done so (see: hard-wiring for why), and then I get even angrier at myself for still feeling guilty even though a part of me knows I shouldn't.
The result is just plain nastiness. And then more guilt for having been nasty. And, of course, no matter how I react, the other person is still upset. Unless, of course, I grovel and apologize which, as I said before, isn't happening anymore. What with the new-found self-awareness and all that.
I just can't win.
