10 things (or thereabouts) I hate about you

[mousme]

So I went to see my psychologist yesterday for the first time since starting my job. There had been all sorts of mix-ups and miscommunications and then he left on vacation and then there were more mix-ups and miscommunications, which meant I didn't see him for over two months.

He didn't show it, of course, but I'm thinking he may have had a "Who are you and what have you done with my patient?" moment, since he's never actually seen me in a really *up* phase of a cycle.

I'm well aware that these days, despite the occasional stray depressed thought, I am well and truly in an up phase of the fun roller coaster ride that is bipolar disorder. I'm not hypomanic, but I'd say hyperthymic (yay for medical buzzwords!) or something along those lines.

So, instead of Weepy!Depressed!Phnee, he got Bouncy!Energetic!Talkative!Phnee, which is a big change. See, I was coming back from work, so I was already pretty wired, and I was dressed in my grown-up costume, which meant my good pants and a nice shirt and my nice blue crystal heart pendant that my mother gave me as a present and the silver half-heart that joane sent me that has half of the words "best friends" on it *melts into gooshy puddle*, and I was wearing make-up and was basically all organized-looking and everything.

Some of you who have come to brunch on Saturday may have seen my grown-up costume.

It is significantly different from what I've been wearing for the past two years or so.

Anyway, I yapped inanities at him for fifty minutes (or mostly inanities with a few significant things thrown in, but they may have got lost in the shuffle), and it was kind of fun, which generally one does not say about therapy. Fun is not the goal.

And speaking of goals, there's the rub. Aye.

He told me that my original goals no longer really applied to the situation, which is true.

So, herein lies where my noodling today went. (Can we tell I'm rambling because I don't really want to get to the heart of the matter?)

I suppose my main goal has to be to stop being so bloody dependent on other people's opinion of me. No, really, bear with me for a moment or three here. See, no matter what happens in my life, good or bad, it seems like my self-esteem goes up and down in direct correlation to how much (perceived) approval I receive from outside sources. Outside sources include but are not limited to:
1) My parents
2) My friends (real life)
3) My friends (online)
4) My coworkers (recent development)
5) People in positions of authority or perceived authority

See, I have this firmly-ingrained notion (not an intellectual one, but rather an emotional one, so please don't jump in and say "That's not true for X, Y, and Z reason!") that all the aforementioned people are better than me in all ways, shapes and forms, and thus I must somehow live up to their expectations.

So, the goal has to be to live for myself, and not to please other people. Not to crave approval like a kicked puppy crawling after an abusive master. Because the minute approval is withheld (and let me tell you, in this funky broken brain of mine, it doesn't take much for me to *perceive* approval as being withheld: hell, I even get my feelings hurt when my cats won't cuddle with me on bad days!), everything goes to hell in a handbasket.

The problem is, I don't know how to go about doing that.

I suppose this is what therapy will do.

Another problem: getting rid of Instant!Gratification!Girl, who is my constant companion. She of the I-want-to-have-my-brain-fixed-right-this-minute-and-fuck-process! attitude. Yet another thing to bring up, I suppose.

Is this making sense to anyone? Anyone else have this whole "living only for the approval of others" thing? Maybe not you, specifically, but someone you know? I don't know... Any helpful hints, at all?

Okay, this is now officially long and rambly. I shall stop.

Comments

[joane.livejournal.com]

Anyone else have this whole "living only for the approval of others" thing?

**

In a sense - I had very speciic 'others', though, instead of a general category - my mom, primarily, my dad secondary. As for hints, I'm not sure that I'm qualified to give any... I still have really bad days when I feel like an utter failure (by her criteria), but they're a *lot* fewer and further between, now, than they were (once in four months, lately, instead of every waking moment when I lived with her).

It was endless repetition and reinforcement that helped me, I think. Being able to tell myself that it didn't matter, and especially hearing it repeated back to me - by Rich, mostly - that her approval didn't matter. Hearing things from outside is sometimes the only way to get an idea to stick in my own stubborn brain.

The main mantra - "I have created a life which suits me. It won't suit anyone else, because everyone else has different needs and priorities. My life suits me, and I am happy." Often, when I'm in a mood, a "so *there.*" will sneak in at the end. :)

Rambling. Will go to bed soonest.

[ex-digitalis869.livejournal.com]

It's hard to cut the approval-line. I've had far too much of it lately and the only "tip" I have (not much of one) is that it's tied into depression and conflict for me.

The anti-depressants help, when I have money for them and take them, but the side effects are harsh.

As for feeling down, I pace and cry and tell myself it's chemical and I *can* ride it out (which luckily so far has been true, even if it's been hellish...not everyone can). I also try to remind myself of people who have been in my life a particularly long time, seen my worst, and still love me anyway. If I feel like everyone hates me, I make lists of things I like about myself. I have a private post that no one but myself can see from a few weeks ago, listing fifty things I like about myself, as if I were talking about some other cool person.

If I'm having conflict with one or two particular people, I remind myself of what my life was like in good times before I met them, and imagine my life without them, savoring the _other_ good things in my life, so I don't get completely consumed by that portion of it.

Sometimes distraction works, sometimes not.

Good luck.

[djs-specs.livejournal.com]

Is this making sense to anyone? Anyone else have this whole "living only for the approval of others" thing?

I used to be like that... I still have relapses now and then (usually when life is sucking), but for the most part I think I'm over it. Not sure how I managed it though - part of it was moving so far away from my parents, but what else I couldn't tell you. I think it might be making friends with the others at work, seeing as their sympathies and sentiments change by the half-hour :P

*hugs* Wish I could be more help.

[odheirre.livejournal.com]

Is this making sense to anyone? Anyone else have this whole "living only for the approval of others" thing?
Yes. I work way too many hours, grew up in the shadow of others, fell into relationships where they just took and took and I cheerfully gave.

Any helpful hints, at all?
No. I'm still coping.

Well, two. Find someone who recognizes this behaviour and will call you on it. Stay away from people who abuse this behaviour.

[alcinoe.livejournal.com]

Yes. As long as I percieve that people find me enchanting and intellegent and lovely, I am okay, but the minute someone abandons me, or says anything that challenges the perception that I am anything but "good", I am wholey crushed. It doesn't even matter at that point if a thousand people hold me up and tell me I am wonderful, if one feeds into my own perception that I am "bad" or not up to my own standard of "perfection" then that is what I am, and all the others must be wrong. The one negative always outweighs the positives.
Is that making sense? Is that similar?

[vureoelt.livejournal.com]

Nah, kind of doubt it. Steiner's a vet... he's probably seen it all.

Interesting that you refer to it as a "costume". Don't feel it's the real you, perhaps...

I get it to some extent. I don't quite live for the approval of others, I simply live for others. Difference being that my perception of how they feel what I'm doing's worth doesn't enter the equation as much. I do what I think is best for the situation at hand for who I think needs it or might want it when I can. And sometimes this leads to conflict, disapproval and fallout. These are consequences which I am prepared to accept (and may or may not have foreseen) given that what I think isn't always right.

I don't know how you get from there to here, or if you even want to be here instead of there, though.

What I recall was at some point early in childhood, I decided people's opinions didn't matter as much as they did previously. Mainly it was the opinions of bullies and other jerks in school and I decided, screw them. Of course, I was much more pugnacious than you in those times, which is how I wound up in fights to some extent... and how I wound up standing up for myself. I didn't care what they thought and that lead to provocation... and as a consequence, I didn't care what the teachers thought or what my parents thought if I was angry enough. I may have been provoked, but some fights are ones I started, where I jumped them and threw the first punch.

Maybe that's the heart of it; I know the word "bully" has a lot of baggage for you. Maybe keeping in the good graces of bullies has ingrained this kind of reflex, or the desire for people who can help fend off the bullies. *shrugs*

Maybe I'm just talking smack here. Mabye not. You decide. :)