Back in the saddle, or sort of
Jan. 26th, 2004 01:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeWell, I'm back at my parents' computer, working on that translation.
Had a reasonably good weekend. Saturday was quiet, spent here under the Parental Units' watchful eye so that I could continue to get a bit of work done.
Pirates yesterday. Good fun. My character, Alexander, is turning into a rather more arrogant and willful little brat than I thought, but my characters always seem to get away from me in this way. They just develop in ways I never suspected. I assumed that he would be mostly shy and retiring, but it turns out that his life has made him hard and bitter and cynical. Besides, we already have a romantic dreamy type, so Alexander is turning out to be poor Miguel's foil in that respect.
It was a very entertaining game, and I'm looking forward to the next instalment.
Have to write up my CV again and get serious about sending it out. Financially I'm fine until the end of the month or so, and then I'll very likely be in trouble. So, gotta get my ass in gear.
Department of things learned this week:
I talk too much. Not that I didn't know this before, but the point was driven home a number of different ways by a number of different people, including in therapy. I've always talked too much. Well, since high school, anyway. That's where I learned that words are a very effective smokescreen behind which to hide yourself.
Unfortunately, it also means that people find me extraordinarily offputting at times (or maybe all the time? I don't knwo. People are too polite to tell me these things). I never know where to draw the line, I suppose. Too much verbiage.
The funny thing is, I don't mind silence. I rather like being quiet for hours at a time. If it were up to me, I probably wouldn't speak for days on end. But there's this large part of me that is terrified that if I don't fill the silence when I'm around people, if I don't keep them amused and entertained or whatever, then they won't have a use for me and they'll leave me.
Up until university, my friendships were based on that. All of the friends I had as a child are gone, and I only have one friend remaining from high school, from whom I haven't heard in nearly a year now. The rest made it clear, once I stopped helping them with homework and playing amateur psychologist on the phone with them for hours, that they had no time for me any more.
It's taken me a while to get used to the idea that not all people are like that, that the friends I made on my own as an adult are less likely to just use me and discard me the same way. I guess that in a lot of ways I still find it very hard to trust that in the end I won't end up alone anyway.
:::kicks rock:::
I'm tired of being alone. Really and truly tired. I think some of you know what I'm talking about when I use that word. I'm just tired.
Problem is, of course, that I have no idea how to change this. I have friends, good friends, even. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the crushing anxiety that they might leave. It doesn't change my own behaviour which probably contributes to driving people away. I do know that some of the time, especially when I'm at my most depressed, I avoid people, especially my friends. The reasoning behind that is usually something like 1) they probably don't want to see me 2) I'm no fun to be around when I'm like this anyway 3) better to leave them now than have them reject me later. Bear in mind that I never said any of this was rational. :P
More later, maybe. I need to sort this out more in my head. I hate my brain right now. :P
Yeah. Phnee's mind is a very fucked-up place. Next stop: Neurosis City.
Had a reasonably good weekend. Saturday was quiet, spent here under the Parental Units' watchful eye so that I could continue to get a bit of work done.
Pirates yesterday. Good fun. My character, Alexander, is turning into a rather more arrogant and willful little brat than I thought, but my characters always seem to get away from me in this way. They just develop in ways I never suspected. I assumed that he would be mostly shy and retiring, but it turns out that his life has made him hard and bitter and cynical. Besides, we already have a romantic dreamy type, so Alexander is turning out to be poor Miguel's foil in that respect.
It was a very entertaining game, and I'm looking forward to the next instalment.
Have to write up my CV again and get serious about sending it out. Financially I'm fine until the end of the month or so, and then I'll very likely be in trouble. So, gotta get my ass in gear.
Department of things learned this week:
I talk too much. Not that I didn't know this before, but the point was driven home a number of different ways by a number of different people, including in therapy. I've always talked too much. Well, since high school, anyway. That's where I learned that words are a very effective smokescreen behind which to hide yourself.
Unfortunately, it also means that people find me extraordinarily offputting at times (or maybe all the time? I don't knwo. People are too polite to tell me these things). I never know where to draw the line, I suppose. Too much verbiage.
The funny thing is, I don't mind silence. I rather like being quiet for hours at a time. If it were up to me, I probably wouldn't speak for days on end. But there's this large part of me that is terrified that if I don't fill the silence when I'm around people, if I don't keep them amused and entertained or whatever, then they won't have a use for me and they'll leave me.
Up until university, my friendships were based on that. All of the friends I had as a child are gone, and I only have one friend remaining from high school, from whom I haven't heard in nearly a year now. The rest made it clear, once I stopped helping them with homework and playing amateur psychologist on the phone with them for hours, that they had no time for me any more.
It's taken me a while to get used to the idea that not all people are like that, that the friends I made on my own as an adult are less likely to just use me and discard me the same way. I guess that in a lot of ways I still find it very hard to trust that in the end I won't end up alone anyway.
:::kicks rock:::
I'm tired of being alone. Really and truly tired. I think some of you know what I'm talking about when I use that word. I'm just tired.
Problem is, of course, that I have no idea how to change this. I have friends, good friends, even. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the crushing anxiety that they might leave. It doesn't change my own behaviour which probably contributes to driving people away. I do know that some of the time, especially when I'm at my most depressed, I avoid people, especially my friends. The reasoning behind that is usually something like 1) they probably don't want to see me 2) I'm no fun to be around when I'm like this anyway 3) better to leave them now than have them reject me later. Bear in mind that I never said any of this was rational. :P
More later, maybe. I need to sort this out more in my head. I hate my brain right now. :P
Yeah. Phnee's mind is a very fucked-up place. Next stop: Neurosis City.
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no subject
Date: 2004-01-26 11:52 am (UTC)I know exactly how you mean... Friends can only rack off so many times before you start to think that *everyone's* going to do it to you.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-26 12:31 pm (UTC)Boy, I bet this entry cheers you up. Sorry if it depresses you more, it is just my take on it, I am no psychologist. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-01-26 12:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-01-26 10:43 pm (UTC)*nods*