Dancing out of control

[mousme]

Continue to be hypomanic, but at least right now I'm kind of pleased about it.

Went to lunch with fearsclave, and had a blast talking about random topics and eventually defaulted to gaming the way it always does when two gamers get together socially. :)

Was lots of fun. We don't see enough of each other lately, taking into account the fact that he has tons of work and Spousal Unit Maintenance duty, and the fact that I'm busy (somehow manage to be busy even though I'm not working, go figure) and tend to go nuts at the drop of a pin, which is inconvenient at best.

Made some purchases that I shouldn't have (being broker than a church mouse and all that), but it felt good. Definitely the hypomania talking. At least it's CDs that I'll actually listen to for a while to come. Shania Twain. Yes, I know that a lot of people are now screaming in horror at my musical taste, but I find her music lots of fun and very danceable. :)

*dances with her cats*

Hypomania symptoms since a few days include:

- insomnia (cured by the Clonazepam, which is now my new best friend)
- general inability to sit still
- random typos (it's taking me a fricking eternity to even write this post)
- impulse buying (well, I've already rationalised it to myself)
- plans to trace my entire family's genealogy on my mother's side and write a book about it (*sigh* even while hypmanic I can tell that that's a ridiculously ambitious idea and that I lack the resources and training to do it properly; however it seemed like a fantastic idea yesterday, and I was convinced I could do it; maybe the higher dosage is actually helping)

The irritability from yesterday seems to be mostly gone, I'm pleased to note. I had more impulses to lash out and smack people yesterday than I care to admit. For no reason, either, or stuff that wouldn't otherwise bother me if I were feeling okay or even depressed. Being hypomanic tends to bring out my more aggressive tendencies, such as they are. Even when I don't smack people (I usually have enough self-restraint for that), I tend to snap or get really sarcastic. I don't think I did that yesterday, but you never know. A lot of the time I don't even realise I've said something hurtful, and a good number of the people I know are too polite to let me know when I've put my foot in it.

It kind of feels like a cop-out to say that my f*cked-up brain chemistry is to blame for my nasty hurtful behaviour, but it kind of is. I try my very best to keep it under wraps, but until the meds start working properly I'm going to act like an asshole every now and again, and more often than the average person.

I got home and I was absolutely freaking exhausted just from trying to act "normal" all evening. How pathetic is that?

*sigh*

[Demetrios] I suck. [/Demetrios]

(Sorry, FVLMINATA inside joke)

Meh. I have to go to a dinner party tonight, hosted by the Parental Units. Don't feel like going (would much rather stay here and play perseity, but I have to go.

I'm a little worried. One of the people there already knows I'm gay, but I don't want her to accidentally out me to my parents (not to mention the other people there! >_<), because I really don't want it to happen like that. She's a nice girl, but she tends to be lacking in tact at the worst possible moments. Oh well. I'm sure it'll go okay. She's not *completely* indiscreet. If she wants to talk about it I'll take her out for a coffee at another time.

Holy cow, I'm falling asleep suddenly. This is Not Good™. Surely the Clonazepam doesn't last for sixteen and a half hours? Maybe I should have a nap. I'd have to make sure to get up in time to wash my hair and stuff.

Argh. Apparently I'm indecisive even when hypomanic.

Comments

[djs-specs.livejournal.com]

Go have a snooze hon - it really can't do much harm... Well, except possibly making you feel more sleepy... Okay, maybe you shouldn't have a nap... Have coffee, lots of coffee ;)

*schnoogle* See you Monday!

Random Thought

[vureoelt.livejournal.com]

You know... I think it'd be interesting if we could figure out what your cats thought of you. Through all the stages/phases/whatever the right term is.

[kimberly-a.livejournal.com]

It kind of feels like a cop-out to say that my f*cked-up brain chemistry is to blame for my nasty hurtful behaviour, but it kind of is. I try my very best to keep it under wraps, but until the meds start working properly I'm going to act like an asshole every now and again, and more often than the average person.

I know what you mean. When I'm hypomanic, I have similar problems with both gauging whether or not I'm being rude and with controlling my irritability. When my mood is well balanced, I don't have that problem, but when I cycle up into hypomania, the control just sort of slips. That's why we're both taking meds, right? To try to improve that control, so that our moods don't run away with us like wild horses.


I got home and I was absolutely freaking exhausted just from trying to act "normal" all evening. How pathetic is that?

Again, I wouldn't call that "pathetic" ... I'd call it "extremely familiar". I think those attempts to appear "normal" are part and parcel of struggling with the disorder we both experience. It sucks, but we're working on it, eh?