So what makes you happy?
Oct. 21st, 2003 02:06 pmSpent the day with my mother on Saturday, and of course I was still in Depressed!Phnee mode, so I wasn't exactly a joy to have around. Nonetheless, I have a car, which makes me useful for grocery shopping.
Anyway.
At one point she asked me what I would be happy doing, and immediately this nice vision of me sitting at a desk near a window and writing popped into my head.
I want to be a writer.
Problem is, I've got a sneaking suspicion that my writing kind of sucks. It's not appalling, but it's not great either, and I've never had the staying power to write a whole novel. My plots just don't go for that long. I'm hoping NaNo will change that. ^^;
In the meantime, I started re-reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and got this little teeny tiny plot bunny that reared it's cute head and is now demanding that I explore it and write it: James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
*beats head against wall*
I'm also getting behind in my work again. Fuck.
Oh, and in other good news: more group therapy tonight.
God, I hope it goes better than last time. I don't know what the hell is supposed to go on in that group at all, nor do the other participants seem to know, and the two therapists who are there didn't tell us. What the fuck? So what we're going to do is create a "microcosm" of reality, of how we interact with people in the outside world.
Except that I don't trust strangers. Not for a long time. I'm certainly not going to act with these people the way I do with my friends.
I also *really* don't like one of the therapists. It's the same woman I was bitching about a few weeks ago, the one who told me that, while there were no wrong answers to her questionnaire, it was clear that I had answered wrongly. Then she decided that because I was upset by these remarks, it was proof that I had given the answers I did because it was politically correct and I wanted to be accepted. *sigh*
Then she called me a well-educated clown, because I try to be a fun person in social gatherings. She said that no one likes clowns, and that if I didn't change that behaviour I would end up all alone.
So having her there is an irritant at best, and her only contribution to the session was inane rhetorical questions. Same with her counterpart, except her counterpart isn't as annoying.
Feh. I'm committed to going, though, so I'll keep trying. After all, there's only been one session. Maybe it'll get better. Or maybe the rest of the group will get to hate her enough that they won't care if I strangle her with my knitting.
Anyway.
At one point she asked me what I would be happy doing, and immediately this nice vision of me sitting at a desk near a window and writing popped into my head.
I want to be a writer.
Problem is, I've got a sneaking suspicion that my writing kind of sucks. It's not appalling, but it's not great either, and I've never had the staying power to write a whole novel. My plots just don't go for that long. I'm hoping NaNo will change that. ^^;
In the meantime, I started re-reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and got this little teeny tiny plot bunny that reared it's cute head and is now demanding that I explore it and write it: James Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
*beats head against wall*
I'm also getting behind in my work again. Fuck.
Oh, and in other good news: more group therapy tonight.
God, I hope it goes better than last time. I don't know what the hell is supposed to go on in that group at all, nor do the other participants seem to know, and the two therapists who are there didn't tell us. What the fuck? So what we're going to do is create a "microcosm" of reality, of how we interact with people in the outside world.
Except that I don't trust strangers. Not for a long time. I'm certainly not going to act with these people the way I do with my friends.
I also *really* don't like one of the therapists. It's the same woman I was bitching about a few weeks ago, the one who told me that, while there were no wrong answers to her questionnaire, it was clear that I had answered wrongly. Then she decided that because I was upset by these remarks, it was proof that I had given the answers I did because it was politically correct and I wanted to be accepted. *sigh*
Then she called me a well-educated clown, because I try to be a fun person in social gatherings. She said that no one likes clowns, and that if I didn't change that behaviour I would end up all alone.
So having her there is an irritant at best, and her only contribution to the session was inane rhetorical questions. Same with her counterpart, except her counterpart isn't as annoying.
Feh. I'm committed to going, though, so I'll keep trying. After all, there's only been one session. Maybe it'll get better. Or maybe the rest of the group will get to hate her enough that they won't care if I strangle her with my knitting.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 11:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 11:51 am (UTC)But point taken. Thank you. :)
no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 11:30 am (UTC)the dynamics of groups can be very very nasty
I know that they can be useful in certain circumstances but the dynamics of running one aint easy.
did she really call you a "well-educated clown", that "no one likes clowns" and that you "would end up all alone"
that seems a hell of step to take if she has only met you once
what system of analysis are they using?
no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 11:49 am (UTC)Luckily I've come far enough that I can take it or leave it. I'm committed for another eleven sessions, but I'm not worried. After that, if I think it's not helping, I'll leave.
Yes, she said those things, although not completely in succession. Those are just the things she said which stuck the most in my mind. I was quite nonplussed with her technique. The more upset I got, the happier she seemed. Her response was usually "Good! We're connecting!" My thoughts were more along the line of "Connect this, bitch!"
So, umm, yeah. I don't like her. If I hadn't committed myself for a bit, I'd probably be out of there. Since I'm committed, I'll make the best of it, and get out when the time lapse is over if I haven't changed my mind about the group by then.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 11:59 am (UTC)....but I've never had a lot of faith in psychology. Less so in psychologISTS.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 12:03 pm (UTC)Dammit! First
Seriously, though, you're right, but they're not ALL quacks. Some of them actually know what they're doing. Dr. Igartua doesn't seem to be one of them. Or maybe she's just not used to dealing with people like me, whatever people like me are like. ;)
*squishie*
Thanks for the laughs. ^_^
no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 02:27 pm (UTC)2) My own theory is that many people who go into psychology/psychiatry as a profession do so because they generally have a few issues of their own. And if you ask whether this view of mine was in any way influenced by my Papa the psychiatrist, I will deny it vehemently. O_o
no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 02:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-22 09:25 am (UTC)Of course, my bio and Cerebus' *do* match frighteningly well.
(*gets out of really small car along with ten others*)
Date: 2003-10-21 12:13 pm (UTC)I realize these people are supposed to be educated to make these determinations, but how much can you really know about someone you've talked with for less than an hour?!? I don't know about you, but I won't ever believe that the answers that will help me come in those neat little sugar-coated packages that she hands out. BLARGH! It makes my blood boil. And I detest platitudes and false sympathy and rote concern that don't even hide the professional indifference that exudes from her very pores.
Had she told me I was a well-educated clown and that no one likes a clown (which is at least partialy accurate, although I prefer 'jester'), I would have said, "I'm sorry, but I believe that's incorrect. Everyone loves a clown. What no one likes is a bitch who makes snap decisions on limited information. I'm just glad I'm not one of those... but then... hey, maybe I am!" and given her my nastiest smile.
Ok, probably not. Civility and politeness have been drummed into me for far too long (I was once told I should be made an honorary Canadian). But, I would have thought it!
And I don't understand why you're in group anyway. But eh, who am I?
I think you need the same advice I'm getting. Find someone else. I'm boxed in right now, but you should have some flexibility. Use it.
Re: (*gets out of really small car along with ten others*)
Date: 2003-10-21 12:21 pm (UTC)I'm seeing a nice meds doctor in the meantime, so things aren't *too* bad on that end.
I think I got the evil twin sister of Dr. Dementia. Maybe Dr. Deluded? She doesn't laugh, but neither did she try to mask the fact that she was completely indifferent and possibly bored or even resentful at having to be there. I got the same vibe from her in group.
I know I'm not supposed to label people, but if I could, I'd suggest "sanctimonious bitch" for her. :P
Hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe underneath the veneer of indifference, condescension and smugness she's actually a nice person.
Re: (*gets out of really small car along with ten others*)
Date: 2003-10-21 12:36 pm (UTC)Re: (*gets out of really small car along with ten others*)
Date: 2003-10-21 12:39 pm (UTC)I have a sneaking suspicion that you're right. Oh well.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 04:22 pm (UTC)Oh. My. God. Are they really that backwards in that part of the world? If not, run, don't walk, away from that therapy group and find someone decent who will take you for free, or on a very low sliding scale. I'm serious. That's not professional or usual behaviour from a therapist.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 04:25 pm (UTC)There are *plenty* of bad therapists out there, and as evidenced by the visceral and unthinking reactions of the people above, that's the view many people hold of therapy as a whole.
Don't waste your time and do yourself possible damage. I'm serious. Why "be commmitted" when this is something that is not at all useful, and possibly harmful? Why do this to yourself?
no subject
Date: 2003-10-21 07:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-22 06:57 am (UTC)That's why I've been looking for "real" therapy too. I must say, though, that LJ so far has proved more constructive than group. :P
:)
no subject
Date: 2003-10-22 06:00 am (UTC)