Aftermath...

[mousme]

Warning: this post is about religion, and Catholicism specifically. Read at your own risk.

I guess many of us were fighting personal demons at the wedding yesterday, in spite of its being such a lovely ceremony. Perhaps because it was such a lovely ceremony, actually.

I know that while the rabbi was marrying joane and shenlo, my heart got torn in several different directions.

Don't get me wrong: I was and am extremely happy for them. They're perfect together and they're two of my best friends and I would kill if anything got in the way of their happiness.

But at the same time, I felt, I don't know, a... pang, if that makes any sense. Unbidden to my mind sprang the question: Why can't I have that?

I know that gays can get married in Canada. But that's not what I'm talking about. For what seemed an eternity (it was about three minutes in Real Time), all that played through my head was the fact that I will very likely never have the wedding I thought I would when I was growing up. I'm not going to kneel before the altar and before God before I'm joined forever with the woman with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.

My father won't walk me down the aisle or give me away. My mother won't be there to bless the union. No priest will solemnize my marriage. There will be no mass. I will not be allowed the Mystery of Communion.

In short, my Church will never accept me as God made me.

I don't practise my religion because for a long time, even before I knew I was gay, I didn't agree with some of the doctrine and dogma adopted by Rome. Now I have more reason to stay away. But it doesn't take away the fact that I am Catholic, and that I love my God. I don't believe for a second that He made a mistake, that my being gay is unnatural or abhorrent somehow. Yet my Church won't believe that. They believe that I have corrupted the work of Him whom I love above all else, that I am a perversion of the laws of God and Nature.

In their eyes, in my mother's eyes, I am an abomination.

So I felt a tug at the bottom of my heart yesterday in the midst of all the joy, mourning the loss of something I never really had.

Comments

[resonant.livejournal.com]

*snuggles*

[amanda-mary.livejournal.com]

What a terrible, epiphantic moment. There is a faction of Catholics lobbying for more inclusiveness, but it seems like such a slow-going process. It is awful that you feel you have lost a part of a religion you hold dear because you have decided to express your most honest self. Hugs and consolations to you!

[sundancekid.livejournal.com]

It might be possible to find a Catholic sect that is more welcoming - in some other denominations, there are breakaway groups that want gays included/women preachers/polygamy/what have you. I bet there's a group of Catholics that are all about the gay marriage, and maybe even near you.

*hugs*

[djs-specs.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly*

I'm sure you're already aware of what I think about organised religion, so I won't reiterate it here (if only to save starting a debate in your journal).

But let me just say that I think you're a wonderful person whom I'm dying to meet IRL, and if the church won't accept you as God made you, then its very much their problem and their loss.

I'm sure that up there God still loves and adores you like they say he does everyone else. I just wish he'd seen fit to let me be affluent enough to be able to get over there sooner rather than later :P

[vureoelt.livejournal.com]

Misery loves company, right? (Well, miseri does, but that's a silly attempt at humour...)

After my ex broke up with me, I found out that someone she wouldn't name considered our relationship an abomination since she's white and I'm not. I don't even know if it was her family or friends or just a distant acquaintance...

My sympathies. Look on the bright side: at least you can avoid random bigotry on the street, be it drunken idiots or whatnot. And your parents may change. And somehwere, out there, there might be a change in the Catholic church or a splinetering along ideals (kind of like Protestantism) to accept you somewhere. But there will always be bigoted idiots out there somewhere. I'm lucky if I don't run into one daily.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Yowch. At least I'm an "invisible" minority. I don't have people shouting "Dyke!" at me on the street or randomly giving me the finger (the way digitalis did not too long ago). I guess that's a small mercy for which I should be more grateful.

For what it's worth I went through what you're describing when I briefly dated Victor (my mother strikes again), so I know whereof you speak.

People suck.

[miseri.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what I can say to make things better for you (but I'll try).

Being gay is not a sin. There is nothing "abominable" or "abhorrent" about the fact that you are attracted to members of your own gender. This is something that I've gotten from speaking to Catholic priests, and I've actually heard a homily about it, so trust me on this one. The Church is not going to exclude you for being gay, any more than it's going to exclude you for liking brussels sprouts.

No, God did not make a mistake when He made you. God does not make mistakes -- He creates challenges. In the end, it all comes down to what you do about it. This is why He gave you free will.