What Phnee's day was like
Apr. 17th, 2003 05:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeToday was iffy at best, I'd say. I got up late, mostly thanks to a migraine that I've had since early yesterday, in spite of going to bed early two nights in a row. So much for avoiding triggers. ^^;
Whingeing about meds and mgraines
I really need to speak to my GP next time I see him, that dreadful Hungarian (that was a quote from "My Fair Lady" for those of you who now think I'm a bigot).
For one thing, the Paxil is getting worse and worse for treating the bi-polar disorder. They're antidepressants, first of all, which means they're not really suited for what I have. I'm pretty sure they're exacerbating my hypomanic periods, which sucks big suckables through sucking things. Then again, given the discomfort I went through getting used to the Paxil, not to mention the discontinuation effects of coming off the stuff, I'm not really looking forward to fiddling around with my meds all that much. *sigh* It's not like this is a "If it ain't broke don't fix it" situation, but it's still a pain in the ass, and I don't feel like becoming a zombie, even if it's for a limited period of time while I adjust my meds.
Oh, and not only do I need to explore the possibility of changing my SSRIs for something else but the migraines are getting really unmanageable.
They're not directly stress-related, either, I've noticed. Yes, stress can exacerbate them, but it's not totally that. Frankly, as far as I can tell, I'd have to live the most boring lifestyle in the world not to have migraines: go to bed at nine pm at latest and be up at 7pm at the earliest, not watch television or go on in the internet for more than an hour and half an hour at a time respectively, not eat chocolate or sugary foods, avoid caffeine in all forms, have a stress-free work environment, not read for more than two hours consecutively and not wear my glasses while doing so, and avoid as many foods with preservatives in them as possible.
It's either that or find another way to manage an average of one to two migraines a week. So far I'm doing a fairly good job of "ignoring" them, which means gritting my teeth through the pain and trying to ignore the fact that I can barely see out of my left eye on occasion. At least I haven't puked in a while. That's a bonus, because it bloody well hurts when I throw up with a migraine.
What happened at work
I got to work on time in spite of oversleeping. I have a great knack for going "Oh shit! I have to be at work in 50 minutes!" and making sure I'm there. Well, at least I do now. I didn't have that knack before.
The day itself went by with the usual cranky clients and system failures that accompany any normal day at work. My supervisor wasn't there as he got a four-day weekend, but I guess even supervisors are allowed time off. *grumble*
So when a Big Problem™ cropped up, he wasn't there to run to. A client called and told me someone had created an online account in his name and had access to all his bills. He knew this for a fact, but couldn't supply me with either the username or password, but absolutely wanted this profile deleted. I spent forty-five minutes (30 of which were on my own time because it was the end of my shift) trying to sort this shit out, because according to the information we had in the computer there was no way in hell anyone should have been able to create a profile at all. I finally got hold of the internet support people via another supervisor, and we got it all cleared up, but it was pretty hair-raising and frustrating.
And my day wouldn't be complete without some Angsty musings about You-Know-Who (no, not Voldemort and not Patrick Cassidy)
I went to Victoria to get some new cat litter (the experimentation to find the perfect litter continues), and ended up buying some Iams at the local Metro store.
On the way back I saw Poms walking along Ste. Catherine, going who knows where.
I would just like to take this moment to rail at the Heavens: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
Honestly, I should be over this by now. I know for a fact that I don't love him, never will, and probably never did (fondness, perhaps, but not love). But even seeing him on the street, while he's oblivious to my presence, made something clench painfully around my heart. It wasn't regret, and it certainly wasn't a desire to reconnect, so what the hell?
Every time something reminds me of him it's as though someone takes out a hammer and hits me repeatedly until I curl up in a corner and cry.
So what am I supposed to make of this? Is it guilt? Remorse? If that's what it is, why am I still feeling it? If there's nothing to feel guilty about, why do I feel guilty?
I'm going to go find some more painkillers now.
Whingeing about meds and mgraines
I really need to speak to my GP next time I see him, that dreadful Hungarian (that was a quote from "My Fair Lady" for those of you who now think I'm a bigot).
For one thing, the Paxil is getting worse and worse for treating the bi-polar disorder. They're antidepressants, first of all, which means they're not really suited for what I have. I'm pretty sure they're exacerbating my hypomanic periods, which sucks big suckables through sucking things. Then again, given the discomfort I went through getting used to the Paxil, not to mention the discontinuation effects of coming off the stuff, I'm not really looking forward to fiddling around with my meds all that much. *sigh* It's not like this is a "If it ain't broke don't fix it" situation, but it's still a pain in the ass, and I don't feel like becoming a zombie, even if it's for a limited period of time while I adjust my meds.
Oh, and not only do I need to explore the possibility of changing my SSRIs for something else but the migraines are getting really unmanageable.
They're not directly stress-related, either, I've noticed. Yes, stress can exacerbate them, but it's not totally that. Frankly, as far as I can tell, I'd have to live the most boring lifestyle in the world not to have migraines: go to bed at nine pm at latest and be up at 7pm at the earliest, not watch television or go on in the internet for more than an hour and half an hour at a time respectively, not eat chocolate or sugary foods, avoid caffeine in all forms, have a stress-free work environment, not read for more than two hours consecutively and not wear my glasses while doing so, and avoid as many foods with preservatives in them as possible.
It's either that or find another way to manage an average of one to two migraines a week. So far I'm doing a fairly good job of "ignoring" them, which means gritting my teeth through the pain and trying to ignore the fact that I can barely see out of my left eye on occasion. At least I haven't puked in a while. That's a bonus, because it bloody well hurts when I throw up with a migraine.
What happened at work
I got to work on time in spite of oversleeping. I have a great knack for going "Oh shit! I have to be at work in 50 minutes!" and making sure I'm there. Well, at least I do now. I didn't have that knack before.
The day itself went by with the usual cranky clients and system failures that accompany any normal day at work. My supervisor wasn't there as he got a four-day weekend, but I guess even supervisors are allowed time off. *grumble*
So when a Big Problem™ cropped up, he wasn't there to run to. A client called and told me someone had created an online account in his name and had access to all his bills. He knew this for a fact, but couldn't supply me with either the username or password, but absolutely wanted this profile deleted. I spent forty-five minutes (30 of which were on my own time because it was the end of my shift) trying to sort this shit out, because according to the information we had in the computer there was no way in hell anyone should have been able to create a profile at all. I finally got hold of the internet support people via another supervisor, and we got it all cleared up, but it was pretty hair-raising and frustrating.
And my day wouldn't be complete without some Angsty musings about You-Know-Who (no, not Voldemort and not Patrick Cassidy)
I went to Victoria to get some new cat litter (the experimentation to find the perfect litter continues), and ended up buying some Iams at the local Metro store.
On the way back I saw Poms walking along Ste. Catherine, going who knows where.
I would just like to take this moment to rail at the Heavens: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
Honestly, I should be over this by now. I know for a fact that I don't love him, never will, and probably never did (fondness, perhaps, but not love). But even seeing him on the street, while he's oblivious to my presence, made something clench painfully around my heart. It wasn't regret, and it certainly wasn't a desire to reconnect, so what the hell?
Every time something reminds me of him it's as though someone takes out a hammer and hits me repeatedly until I curl up in a corner and cry.
So what am I supposed to make of this? Is it guilt? Remorse? If that's what it is, why am I still feeling it? If there's nothing to feel guilty about, why do I feel guilty?
I'm going to go find some more painkillers now.
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Reminders
Date: 2003-04-17 11:09 pm (UTC)Re: Reminders
Date: 2003-04-18 01:34 am (UTC)Re: Reminders
Date: 2003-04-18 08:28 am (UTC)The closest I can come to a definition is regret for what never was - grieving over what might have been, had the fantasy in my mind been anywhere close to reality. I feel momentary pangs of wistfulness over what I wanted those relationships to be, and the disconnect between that and reality. I think that's normal, and I think it's permanent. It's just good, old fashioned *disappointment* and failed expectations, I think... heck, I get a very similar feeling flipping through a new DP9 book. :