*faceplant*
Mar. 6th, 2003 11:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeI have no idea what to do about this.
I hate labels, but sometimes there the only things I have to go by, and sometimes they help me figure out where I stand.
I just don't know if the label fits. If I'm even looking in the right label section. Maybe the label I'm looking for is in another aisle entirely and I've just fooled myself into thinking I'm in the right place. Maybe I'm in the wrong place at the right time.
Puke and double puke.
Once I apply the label officially, it'll be very very hard to go back or to change it. I know it's possible to do so, but I like the idea of "measure twice, cut once" so that I don't have to rummage around for what I'm looking for and get it wrong several times.
I don't think perfectionism is going to help me, this time. It's just turning into procrastination, or worse, denial.
I don't even know where to start. Or if I should start.
I'm a coward at heart, always have been. I've always wanted acceptance more than to be my own person, no matter what. It would be easier, in many ways, to continue the way I have been, to leave the matter unspoken of, unexplored, hidden away in a drawer which has been locked and the key thrown away.
I think I could be reasonably happy with how things are now. Then again, things change over the years, and maybe I wouldn't be happy anymore, which begs the question: do I deal with it now, in anticipation of the fact that I might not be happy later, or do I just cross my fingers and hope that it'll never come to that?
I've become used to being on my own when not around friends or family, and I don't mind it. I don't see why I would come to hate solitude in the future.
I hate labels, but sometimes there the only things I have to go by, and sometimes they help me figure out where I stand.
I just don't know if the label fits. If I'm even looking in the right label section. Maybe the label I'm looking for is in another aisle entirely and I've just fooled myself into thinking I'm in the right place. Maybe I'm in the wrong place at the right time.
Puke and double puke.
Once I apply the label officially, it'll be very very hard to go back or to change it. I know it's possible to do so, but I like the idea of "measure twice, cut once" so that I don't have to rummage around for what I'm looking for and get it wrong several times.
I don't think perfectionism is going to help me, this time. It's just turning into procrastination, or worse, denial.
I don't even know where to start. Or if I should start.
I'm a coward at heart, always have been. I've always wanted acceptance more than to be my own person, no matter what. It would be easier, in many ways, to continue the way I have been, to leave the matter unspoken of, unexplored, hidden away in a drawer which has been locked and the key thrown away.
I think I could be reasonably happy with how things are now. Then again, things change over the years, and maybe I wouldn't be happy anymore, which begs the question: do I deal with it now, in anticipation of the fact that I might not be happy later, or do I just cross my fingers and hope that it'll never come to that?
I've become used to being on my own when not around friends or family, and I don't mind it. I don't see why I would come to hate solitude in the future.
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-06 09:44 pm (UTC)You rocketh, as usual, sweetness. :)
"ME" is of course my favourite label, but unfortunately sometimes I need secondary labels to help define "ME" a little more accurately.
This label seems to fit so far. It's just what I anticipate to be other people's reaction which is causing problems.
What's *really* cool, though, is that there are *tons* of beautiful girls out there. ;)
I am off to read that collection of stories from tonight. Remind me to bring back the books I've read on Sunday. :)
Thanks for everything, sweetie. :D