*faceplant*

[mousme]

I have no idea what to do about this.

I hate labels, but sometimes there the only things I have to go by, and sometimes they help me figure out where I stand.

I just don't know if the label fits. If I'm even looking in the right label section. Maybe the label I'm looking for is in another aisle entirely and I've just fooled myself into thinking I'm in the right place. Maybe I'm in the wrong place at the right time.

Puke and double puke.

Once I apply the label officially, it'll be very very hard to go back or to change it. I know it's possible to do so, but I like the idea of "measure twice, cut once" so that I don't have to rummage around for what I'm looking for and get it wrong several times.

I don't think perfectionism is going to help me, this time. It's just turning into procrastination, or worse, denial.

I don't even know where to start. Or if I should start.

I'm a coward at heart, always have been. I've always wanted acceptance more than to be my own person, no matter what. It would be easier, in many ways, to continue the way I have been, to leave the matter unspoken of, unexplored, hidden away in a drawer which has been locked and the key thrown away.

I think I could be reasonably happy with how things are now. Then again, things change over the years, and maybe I wouldn't be happy anymore, which begs the question: do I deal with it now, in anticipation of the fact that I might not be happy later, or do I just cross my fingers and hope that it'll never come to that?

I've become used to being on my own when not around friends or family, and I don't mind it. I don't see why I would come to hate solitude in the future.

Comments

Re: *faceplant*

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

Any label that you apply to yourself is also yours to take off again, especially if it's being used for an internal handle for you.

As for the parents, it's possible that they'll be like mine. For my parents, they specifically notice anything else rather than acknowledge that I'm not hetero.

Good luck in dealing with this.

*Hugs*

Re: *faceplant*

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Yurgh. That must suck big suckables through sucking things. :P

My mother (I think) has this bizarre ingrained belief that homosexuality is somehow some kind of weird contagious disease. She freaked out about my wanting to join a hotline for gay people at my university, telling me that in order to help "those people" (her favourite phrase for designating those she considers to be "Other") I would have to understand them, and in order to understand them I would have to be like them.

So by a process of osmosis, I would become gay, which of course would be a Bad Thing™.

*shakes head*

I think my father would be okay with it, at least intellectually. He's very left–leaning (my mother tends to be rabidly conservative even though she doesn't vote that way), works hard for the rights of the working–class and for feminist movements, and one of his younger brothers is gay (but otherwise extremely troubled for a number of reasons).

Much more noodling to be done on the subject.

Am sorry to hear your Parental Units aren't supportive. For me that's always the hardest blow. :(