*faceplant*

[mousme]

I have no idea what to do about this.

I hate labels, but sometimes there the only things I have to go by, and sometimes they help me figure out where I stand.

I just don't know if the label fits. If I'm even looking in the right label section. Maybe the label I'm looking for is in another aisle entirely and I've just fooled myself into thinking I'm in the right place. Maybe I'm in the wrong place at the right time.

Puke and double puke.

Once I apply the label officially, it'll be very very hard to go back or to change it. I know it's possible to do so, but I like the idea of "measure twice, cut once" so that I don't have to rummage around for what I'm looking for and get it wrong several times.

I don't think perfectionism is going to help me, this time. It's just turning into procrastination, or worse, denial.

I don't even know where to start. Or if I should start.

I'm a coward at heart, always have been. I've always wanted acceptance more than to be my own person, no matter what. It would be easier, in many ways, to continue the way I have been, to leave the matter unspoken of, unexplored, hidden away in a drawer which has been locked and the key thrown away.

I think I could be reasonably happy with how things are now. Then again, things change over the years, and maybe I wouldn't be happy anymore, which begs the question: do I deal with it now, in anticipation of the fact that I might not be happy later, or do I just cross my fingers and hope that it'll never come to that?

I've become used to being on my own when not around friends or family, and I don't mind it. I don't see why I would come to hate solitude in the future.

Comments

[paganmommy.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I can be so damned thick headed. I read your entry and thought "Where is the label?" ::tapped foot, drank coffee, refreshed page, read again::: No label. Okay, maybe I am phasing out in the middle of reading. I click out of LJ, have a very intense conversation with a friend, drink more coffee, smoke a cig, read it again. Still nothing. Confusion. Hey, I am comfortable now, confusion is my speciality! *grin* ::does happy noogle:::

Now I am slightly less confused, but honored to be one of two, (hrm.. good borg name too)

Here is the thing about using a label, just as soon as the glue dries, and you feel comfy with it, it is time to apply heat and nail polish remover because the you need to add or subtract something from it. You are a human being, and you grow. You in particular seem to be a very self aware human being, so you will do more growing than most. It helps to use velcro and dry erase markers.

As far as mom is concerned, consider this to me none of her business. There are things about your mother that she will never tell you. Even if it seems she shares everything, I can bet you there are things she hasn't confided to you about, if not, the woman needs to look at her boundaries. This can EASILY be your boundary, at least for now. You don't even know if you can sew on this label yet, so there is no need to share it with her until you feel comfy with it, yk? Even then, some things are private, even if it would be nice to share. That is what you have us for anyway, right? *hugs*

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Damn, but I'm lucky to know you people, you've all made me bawl like a baby today (in a good way). :)


Sorry about not actually including the label. I was putting off actually naming it because saying it out loud makes it true for me. In that sense I'm a bit of a magical realist: words have the power of making things true as far as I'm concerned.

I'm so glad I have you people...