*faceplant*

[mousme]

I have no idea what to do about this.

I hate labels, but sometimes there the only things I have to go by, and sometimes they help me figure out where I stand.

I just don't know if the label fits. If I'm even looking in the right label section. Maybe the label I'm looking for is in another aisle entirely and I've just fooled myself into thinking I'm in the right place. Maybe I'm in the wrong place at the right time.

Puke and double puke.

Once I apply the label officially, it'll be very very hard to go back or to change it. I know it's possible to do so, but I like the idea of "measure twice, cut once" so that I don't have to rummage around for what I'm looking for and get it wrong several times.

I don't think perfectionism is going to help me, this time. It's just turning into procrastination, or worse, denial.

I don't even know where to start. Or if I should start.

I'm a coward at heart, always have been. I've always wanted acceptance more than to be my own person, no matter what. It would be easier, in many ways, to continue the way I have been, to leave the matter unspoken of, unexplored, hidden away in a drawer which has been locked and the key thrown away.

I think I could be reasonably happy with how things are now. Then again, things change over the years, and maybe I wouldn't be happy anymore, which begs the question: do I deal with it now, in anticipation of the fact that I might not be happy later, or do I just cross my fingers and hope that it'll never come to that?

I've become used to being on my own when not around friends or family, and I don't mind it. I don't see why I would come to hate solitude in the future.

Comments

[mhw.livejournal.com]

Well, I think there's a difference between labels used by oneself as a kind of shorthand for navigating one's space of possibilities, and labels used by others as a pigeonholing device.

I thoroughly approve of the former, and much less so the latter. Self-labelling tends to be descriptive, not prescriptive. Labels also don't have to function like the little cards on cabinet drawers - real life and real feelings and experiences rarely have a clear-cut either/or taxonomy, and that's something that you have to be quite stern with other people about. If someone says "You call yourself 'X', but I Happen To Know that X people believe A and B and C, and reject D, but here's you sounding dubious about A, uninterested in B, and admitting to the possibilities of D - how dare you?" *chuckle* and that's not a rare reaction, the world's full of amateur taxonomists bent on shoehorning us into neat boxes - you don't have to swallow it. If you feel a kinship with a label, use it, under the advice that people often will ask you "What do you mean by [fitb]?", and way too often do the Taxonomy Tango if your labelling doesn't match their prejudices.

Would it be too invasive to ask which, if any, labels you're debating the use of?

[mousme.livejournal.com]

*hyperventilates*

It's not supposed to be a big deal, but it is to me.

*paces around and has Big Inner Debate*

I'm pretty sure (about 90%) that I'm gay.

Okay, I said it. *waits for sky to fall*

*opens one eye and squints at sky and is relieved to see it still where it was the last time she looked*

My one problem with this is that my mother will never accept it, and I adore her beyond words and have always wanted her approval and "outing" myself to her will mean at best that she'll become more distant and/or lecture me constantly and at worse cut me off entirely.

[mhw.livejournal.com]

*gentle hug*

I remember saying the Big Bad Words to myself the first time. The sky didn't fall then, either. It was actually a lot harder to come out as bi about six years later, since I'd got so much invested in Being OK with that previous self-image, and, you know, all that crap about "well, you'll grow out of it" - I didn't want to grow out of it, didn't want them to have the satisfaction of being proved right. *chuckle* It was all OK, though, I still fancied guys :)

Pragmatically, need you tell your mother? I know it'd be hard if you've always had a "we tell each other everything" relationship, and it's horrible having to learn to lie by omission, even if you don't have to lie directly, BUT. Self-preservation comes first. It has to. If you know someone will react badly if you tell them something, it's smart not to tell them. I know, it would be so dandy to tell her and have her say "Sweetheart, I'm just glad you're happy, because that's all I want for you", but if she isn't going to be able to say that - yet (you never know what can happen in the future) - then I think you just have to do without that bit of motherly approval.

I'd sit on it a while. Mull over the delights of thinking of yourself as Gay!Phnee. Say "lesbian" and smile as you say it, even if it has to be done in the privacy of your room. Let your eyes enjoy the sight of lovely women. The buttons and T-shirts and stuff can come later, ifnwhen you're ready and want them. Be at peace with yourself first.

*more gentle hugs, because*

Re:

[mousme.livejournal.com]

*bawls*

You're so sweet I would kiss you if you weren't across the Atlantic.

*hugs back*

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Oh, kiss him anyway. Kay's the closest thing to a male lesbian you'll find anywhere. *pokes Kay and grins*

Also go look at www.planetout.com and read some of the "Dear Betty" archives. Eye-opening, I promise.

*hugshugs*

[mousme.livejournal.com]

*lol*

Kay, I'd take that as a compliment, if I were you. ;)

*kisses Kay*

[griffen.livejournal.com]

*hug hug hug hug hug* I'm so proud of you, hon.

It's not nearly as scary as you think it is. I know what it's like to have an unaccepting parent. If you want to talk, ping me on YM. If I'm not there, feel free to email me.

I am so proud of you, hon.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie. :)

I'll try to ping you when I'm around a little more reliably than today. :)

Am running around like a headless chicken today, for some reason. ^^;