Past noodling

[mousme]

Kay's latest post reminded me of something I wrote last year, before I even had a LiveJournal. Specifically, it remined me of the 9th paragraph, but I've decided to reproduce the whole Angst-ridden piece here. It's the kind of stuff that I swore to myself as a teenager that I would never, ever write, but here it is nonetheless.

I am a fragment. Never whole, but belonging to a greater whole; something larger than myself, it swallows me, and my utterances disappear into the white noise of the world.

I do not have a voice. I am an echo, unconsciously parroting the words of those who came before me. My voice, my words will never be mine, have never been mine. I am an amalgamation of fragments, but they do not merge or come together. I can feel myself floating in the interstices of all that I have learned, touching but not understanding, aware but not comprehending.

Who are you?

I look in the mirror and a stranger gazes out at me. I have become "Other," unknown and unknowable to myself. Self–awareness only shows my a void I seek alternately to fill or to escape.

Cut too deep and you will find there is nothing underneath. I am nothing but a bleeding shell.

I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. The very idea terrifies me. My thoughts are not my own, but those of someone else: the person I should be, the person I should have been, the person I should become. They taunt me, laugh at me while I drown... My conscience persecutes me, reproaches me for everything I haven't accomplished, for everything I've done wrong.

Who are you?

The question itself is a reproach, the cliché a reminder of my deficiencies.

I have never been myself. I am a series of personas, different for each person I encounter. It's easier to be someone else, or rather, variations of myself. Everyone sees a small portion of the truth, and yet if everyone I know put their portions of me together, they would not come up with the real me.

Fragments.

I am nothing. Emptiness, defined by the things that surround me. Take them away, and there is nothing left to see. A void, complete in its emptiness, as though the mind's eye had gone blind.

I am a shadow, visible but ignored, translucent and opaque, intangible but present. I can only be perceived out of the corner of your eye. I make no sound, I move within infinite possibilities but cannot exist without light, without someone to pull my strings, without a beholder. I am alone in the midst of multitudes, and vanish if the light shines directly upon me or too brightly. I grow in corners and flourish with little care, but wither and die if completely neglectd.

Put out your hands and I may vanish...

I still have too many days like that. I had hoped that that part of my life was over, but maybe it never will be.

Comments

The quest for self

[vureoelt.livejournal.com]

Don't be so hard on yourself. People spend their lives trying to find out who they are and such. Then, sometimes, they change with or without noticing it and have to find themselves all over again. No one really fits in a convenient label, despite the fact that the mind uses it as a sorting and learning technique. I guess it's not surprising, but it's a part of modern day life... most people don't get enough "food" for their "spirit". You aren't nothing... something inside you is making decisions about your life. You just can't find it or identify or categorize it because you don't have the means to. It somply is. Just because you can't perceive it, doesn't mean it's not there. So speeaketh the blind guy. ;)

[paganmommy.livejournal.com]

Okay, that is it, you are spiralling. :::hugs and squishy sloppy kisses:::: You are more than nothing, people see you and hear you.. and still, we like you. :) I am finding interesting things about you everytime you post, so keep it up, okay? Do NOT allow yourself to spiral out of control though, it is really hard to climb out if you go all the way down.

:::throwns black cloth over head and cries::::::

Re:

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweets, don't worry!

I wrote that a year ago! I don't really feel like nothing anymore, although I often have days of depression and/or massive frustration, like today.

:)

No spiralling, I promise.

*hugs back and glomps*

Please don't cry!

[paganmommy.livejournal.com]

I know.. but with Mr. Rogers, and then the post after.. and well... *deep breathy sigh*.. okay, I will believe you, ::dabs tears with black sparkly hanky:::

::snuggles:::

Re:

[mousme.livejournal.com]

*licks*

*snuggles back*

Yeah, Mr. Rogers was a sore blow. But I'm just sad about Mr. Rogers, not depressed.

The depressed part is usually completely removed from any sadness I have. The fact that I'm sad and depressed on the same day actually doesn't have much to do with anything except coincidence. :)

*cuddles up*