Proceed with caution

[mousme]

Warning: Am in major self-hatred mode right now.

Culmination of the day's events plus generally feeling kinda crappy (my throat is sore, and I hope to God I'm not getting the Flu o' Death that's felled half of Customer Service so far).

So let's see: am feeling like a fat loser freak right about now. Read firewillow's post about the Tai Chi classes she's going to take and which I was contemplating as well, and now I'm being all wishy-washy about it in spite of having always wanted to learn Tai Chi (ever since I heard of its existence). See, I've always sucked massively at any kind of physical activity (except swimming when I was younger). It wasn't so bad when I was a kid and skinny, but with the onset of puberty and the lack of regular physical exercise combined with the use of food to deal with stress, I got very fat very fast. Those of you who know me IRL can attest to this.

So being fat made me more self-conscious about sports, and made me avoid them, and I gained more weight... you know how it goes. Of course, being mocked about being a fat cow at school didn't help matters. I won't rant about how these were the same people who begged me to help them with their homework after class... that's for another time.

So now I do almost no physical stuff at all, and am generally okay with myself until I have to attend an elegant social function or summer comes along and everyone but me can wear skimpy clothes and actually look nice (hey, for all the fat girls out there who feel comfortable wearing skimpy clothes: more power to you; I just don't feel comfortable exposing my midriff with folds of skin hanging over my jeans).

Or whenever a guy looks at me twice (or a girl). In my head, they're either thinking "God that chick is fat," or "Hey, she looks okay in spite of being so fat. Imagine if she lost sixty or seventy pounds..."

And now when the opportunity to do something I might enjoy comes up I wuss out, because I don't want to go through it all again. The embarassment of discovering they don't have uniforms for someone my size. The looks from other students obviously wondering what the fuck I'm doing with the beautiful people. The condescending and impatient look from the instructor as he/she has to take time out of the class to make sure I don't kill myself by doing something wrong.

And much as I love her, having firewillow there won't be much of a help. She's so small and lithe and graceful that she'll blend right in. She knows about Oriental culture and has fourteen years of dancing to back her up as well as being pretty damned fit in spite of spending the last few years doing less physical activity.

She'll be bouncing in and out of the routines (figuratively) in no time, and I just know I'll fall flat on my face and hold up the class and earn people's resentment. Stupid fat white chick holding up the process and taking up the air of people far more deserving than she.

If I have any sense at all I'll stay home and hide behind my computer screen forever.

Comments

[fordcov.livejournal.com]

You get a hug.

I don't really know you well enough to know if you want comfort or advice or someone to scream "down with skinny people!" while shaking a fist in the air, so I'll stick with just giving you hugs.

*hugs*

Thanks

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Hugs are good. Making me laugh even better, and you did both. ^_^

I have nothing against skinny people. I'd like to *be* a skinny person. Heck, some of my best friends are skinny people! ^_-

But I appreciate the thought. :)

Hello...

[fearsclave.livejournal.com]

...Ms Kicked Some Serious Butt At Bigfoot :). Paintball went well, neh :)? You're capable of far more than you think. Doing well at most things is just a question of willpower and determination, and you've got so much of both qualities you scare me...

[joane.livejournal.com]

Oog. Don't buy into it, darlin' - pleaswe don't buy into the paternalistic crap that we're spoon-fed about how fat chicks (all women, really) aren't entitled to take up space... own your space. Fill the air around you with your glorious self, swing your arms and raise your voice. You are what you are, you have an absolute right to be present, loud, and space-filling, and you, Phnee, are wonderful exactly as I've known you.

{{{hugs}}}

(I've got a great book you're welcome to borrow, actually - it's called No Fat Chicks, and aside from athe author belabouring a ouple of her favourite points a little too much, is very affirming.)

[cymry.livejournal.com]

alright, and here's my usual ramble...

speaking from the not-so-thin side of the fence, i sympathize. i sink into these periods of depression as often as my subconscious can drag me in, kicking and screaming. then ford drags me back out, squirming and trying to kill him. =) i think the best possible medicine is to take your mind off it. it's no use thinking you're fat cause you don't exercise and you don't exercise cause you're fat... (which, by the way, you aren't -- no, you're not skinny, but neither are you FAT -- at least not in my eyes)

the truth is, the only people who are skinny at this point are people who were born that way, or people who put the rest of their lives on a back burner for at least a year (at a time) to achieve that so-called perfect look. truth be told, i have better things to do with my time than exercise. yeah, i'd love to be able to wear a bikini, or even a mid-rift top. but i can't without feeling horribly self-conscious and ugly and huge. so i don't. *shrug* there are clothes out there you do look good in -- if they're comfortable and you look good in them, what's the problem?

besides, when in doubt, blame society. it's the one that's screwed us all up (no sarcasm -- i'm serious!). speaking as the one currently hiding behind my computer and striving for a cushy desk job, there are some things you've either got to accept or change. if you can't do one or the other, just accept that you are the way you are and to hell with anyone else.

and, of course, i just reread that and i sound completely horrible. oh my. i apologize for what i said above. i'm not really that opinionated or obnoxious, i swear...