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mousmeThis is just a ramble. Feel free to ignore it.
I'm not stir crazy. As mental illnesses go, depression is one of the better ones to have, because you can get rid of it. Bipolar II isn't bad either, because then you only get the hypo–manic periods and not the all–out psychotic episodes in which you hallucinate and generally go flaming nuts.
Granted, there were those few times in which I really was hallucinating that the room was filling with water, but I think those were anxiety attacks rather than anything else.
Besides, that hasn't happened in months. Not since before I started this LJ, in fact.
Poms has made this LJ his home page. I'm kind of glad and kind of not. I mean, all my other friends have access to this page, so why shouldn't he?
I guess my main fear is that what he'll find here someday might hurt him so much nothing would ever be the same again. I've alluded to his having minor meltdowns before, although that was before I knew he was reading this LJ on a regular basis. I don't think I'll do that in public entries anymore.
Funny how often this has come up in therapy, and in my own thoughts. I love the guy, but I don't see myself holding him up when he collapses, because I can barely hold myself together. And how can I lean on him when he can't hold himself together either? I can offer comfort to him, as I have in the past, but i have this terrible feeling that if I ever came to him with a problem he'd fall apart. I mean, if one night without sleep and a day of paintball is enough to reduce him to tears, what the Hell would he do if I called him at some point and I needed him?
He's said he wished I had called him when I was feeling suicidal, when I tried to kill myself. What if I had? Having him go to pieces wouldn't have helped. Likely it would have made things worse.
The further I get into this relationship, the more doubts I have about it. He just doesn't seem to enjoy doing anything I enjoy doing, and while I like some of the stuff he does, it kind of saddens me that I can't share what I love with him too.
He told me he didn't really find Hurley's all that much fun when we went to see the Mahones. We stayed out too late, there were too many people and too much noise for his taste. He's not really the type to go bookshopping for hours, either.
And I like being silly, which he can't do. He's a very serious, very earnest guy, which is wonderful and sweet, but I want him to follow me and have fun when I jump into a stranger's sprinkler or start building towers out of plates and salt and pepper shakers in restaurants. All he ever does when I do things like that is smile nervously and look embarassed, as though I were a misbehaved child.
*more sighing*
I want this to work. I really hope I'm just dredging up all these doubts in one of those self–destructive moments I excel at. I do that extremely well, and yet there's this horrible feeling somewhere buried deep down inside which is telling me something else entirely.
There. I just needed to get this down on paper. Or on the screen anyway. I'm not sure what it'll accomplish, but I needed to write it down.
I'm not stir crazy. As mental illnesses go, depression is one of the better ones to have, because you can get rid of it. Bipolar II isn't bad either, because then you only get the hypo–manic periods and not the all–out psychotic episodes in which you hallucinate and generally go flaming nuts.
Granted, there were those few times in which I really was hallucinating that the room was filling with water, but I think those were anxiety attacks rather than anything else.
Besides, that hasn't happened in months. Not since before I started this LJ, in fact.
Poms has made this LJ his home page. I'm kind of glad and kind of not. I mean, all my other friends have access to this page, so why shouldn't he?
I guess my main fear is that what he'll find here someday might hurt him so much nothing would ever be the same again. I've alluded to his having minor meltdowns before, although that was before I knew he was reading this LJ on a regular basis. I don't think I'll do that in public entries anymore.
Funny how often this has come up in therapy, and in my own thoughts. I love the guy, but I don't see myself holding him up when he collapses, because I can barely hold myself together. And how can I lean on him when he can't hold himself together either? I can offer comfort to him, as I have in the past, but i have this terrible feeling that if I ever came to him with a problem he'd fall apart. I mean, if one night without sleep and a day of paintball is enough to reduce him to tears, what the Hell would he do if I called him at some point and I needed him?
He's said he wished I had called him when I was feeling suicidal, when I tried to kill myself. What if I had? Having him go to pieces wouldn't have helped. Likely it would have made things worse.
The further I get into this relationship, the more doubts I have about it. He just doesn't seem to enjoy doing anything I enjoy doing, and while I like some of the stuff he does, it kind of saddens me that I can't share what I love with him too.
He told me he didn't really find Hurley's all that much fun when we went to see the Mahones. We stayed out too late, there were too many people and too much noise for his taste. He's not really the type to go bookshopping for hours, either.
And I like being silly, which he can't do. He's a very serious, very earnest guy, which is wonderful and sweet, but I want him to follow me and have fun when I jump into a stranger's sprinkler or start building towers out of plates and salt and pepper shakers in restaurants. All he ever does when I do things like that is smile nervously and look embarassed, as though I were a misbehaved child.
*more sighing*
I want this to work. I really hope I'm just dredging up all these doubts in one of those self–destructive moments I excel at. I do that extremely well, and yet there's this horrible feeling somewhere buried deep down inside which is telling me something else entirely.
There. I just needed to get this down on paper. Or on the screen anyway. I'm not sure what it'll accomplish, but I needed to write it down.
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Re: *lol*
Date: 2002-08-21 09:04 pm (UTC)*makes like limpet tree*