Whoo! Insomnia... Yay. [/sarcasm]

Go me.

It's 3am, do you know where your children are?

Luckily, I have no children so I don't have to get up and rush to their beds to see if they're sleeping soundly where they're supposed to be.

On the other hand, I'm not sleeping soundly where I'm supposed to be either. I think it's the two cups of coffee I had during the game. I'm no longer a regular coffee drinker (read: I have coffee maybe twice a week max), so it's reasonable to assume it must be affecting me much more strongly than when I was having two to five cups a day of the stuff.

Then again, the last time I had insomnia about ten days ago (actually it might be more like a week, I'll have to check my LJ entries) I hadn't had any coffee or anything with caffeine at all and certainly no other stimulants that I can think of.

I'm also a little stressed because I'm thinking of making so many drastic changes at once in my life, including letting go of the relative stability that $15.47 an hour gets one, even if it is a crappy, ultra-stressful and ultimately thankless job. It pays the bills, pays the rent, feeds me and the FFEs and pays for my car.

Then again, I calculated more or less what it costs me to live per month, and I think that I could probably swing it working full-time at Chapters (i.e. 35 hours a week or more). It's the number of hours I work at Bell Mobility, and *that* job gives me a ton of leeway to do fun stuff.

Sure, money'd be tight, but I'm willing to sacrifice a lot of leisure activities in order to have a less stressful job.

It also wouldn't be permanent, as I'm planning on going back to university sooner rather than later. I don't really want to go back to McGill, as I have too many bad associations with that place, but it and UQAM are the only two of the four universities that currently offer programs in the area I want to study. I'm seriously considering UQAM (I'd have the benefit of lower fees because my father teaches there, and it's not McGill), but McGill has the advantage of offering a two-year program for people who already have a Bachelor degree, while UQAM doesn't appear to offer anything other than a full three-year program regardless of previous studies.

I don't want to spend three years at university again. Really I don't. On the other hand, maybe this time around I'll actually be able to enjoy myself more as I won't be quite as focussed on my grades as I was before. This time around I'm studying for a goal other than gaining access to another institution of higher learning, not to mention that I'll be learning for the sake of learning rather than for some remote ambition of getting my parents' ever-elusive stamp of approval.

Hooray for 3am ramblings.

I think I'll go type up my CV.

10 reasons why insomnia sucks

1- My cats seem to be able to sleep 23 hours a day. I am jealous. They are currently snuggled up to each other right next to my computer.

2- Buying things on Amazon.com without being sure if that's what I really was looking for. Been trying to find a book on urban wicca, and I think it's called "City Magick" but I'm not sure. Was going to wait for Firewillow to wake up and ask her, but that's *checks watch* at least three hours away. And it was longer when I ordered the book.

3- Canned pineapple. I like it as a rule, but something about having that kind of snack at 4:30am seems wrong somehow.

4- Nobody online to talk to.

5- Knowing the rest of the day is pretty much shot because I'm going to be an exhausted wreck.

6- Overtired, overstressed and on the verge of tears because of it.

7- Far too much time on my hands to think. This is always bad.

8- No television.

9- Fighting off random urges to clean apartment, which would only make noise and annoy the neighbours.

10- Breakfast waaaaaay too early in the morning.


I retooled all the text in my LiveJournal, because I'm sick and tired of labelling myself a corporate drone. If I have the energy I will go and change my userinfo page as well.

Maybe I'll try to think of a plot for a novel to write. Of course, all the novels I wrote before were so damned awful (well, they were pretty good if you consider they were written by a not-so-well-read teenager who was at least trying to avoid Angst, to my credit) that I'm not sure where to start. I don't think I've actually ever written a novel in which the plot made sense or in which the characters were well-developed or plausible.

Hey! There are lots of actual writers who read this LJ (griffen and kimberly_a spring to mind). Any tips for an aspiring yet untrained novelist? (other than to use spellcheck regularly and to proofread, obviously, and to avoid the overuse of parentheses ^_-)

I am trying to find an HTML colour code for a really pale yellow for my LJ page background, but they all seem to come out much darker. Am feeling thwarted.

:::edit:::

So, apart from slightly altering the look of my LiveJournal, I also went ahead and wrote a lengthy new bio for my userinfo page

It's now 10 minutes past seven. I'm actually kind of tired. I may try to catch an hour or so of sleep before officially beginning my day.

Update of a now really tired insomniac

This entry likely won't make any sense or have any logical connectors. You have been warned. I am typing this entry with one hand (firewillow, get your mind out of the gutter!) because the other one is propping up my head.

On the plus side, I don't think I'll have any difficulty getting to sleep tonight. :P

Okay, let's try to put some order into this chaos:

Family front: had brunch with Maternal Unit and family friend, Christine. After initial mixup which made Maternal Unit go into Frenzied Passive-Aggressive Mode o' Death, I managed to smooth things over, picked up Christine and dropped her off at home to boot.

I lurve Christine. I must introduce her to fearsclave. She's his complete antithesis in so many ways, but I can't help but feel they would get along like a house on fire. (Shut up, firewillow ^_-). She's a bit older than him, I think, or maybe roughly the same age. She's a total woobie and absolutely frikking brilliant. Then again, her mother is the titulary of the UNESCO Chair of Philosophy, so it's hardly surprising.


Had yummy dinner with Parental Units of pasta with some form of green pesto. Really good. From local Italian market which makes all their pasta fresh on the spot. *dies in pasta-induced bliss*.

Conversation was rather strained as my father decided that he would "help" me organise my life, since I've been noodling about that lately. This essentially means that he spent nearly two hours lecturing me about stuff I had already known for a long time and acting as though he'd made water spring from the rocks with a tap of his staff. Oy. I got really annoyed with him, I'll admit, because it always feels like he thinks that I'm incapable of doing anything or thinking for myself. Not to mention that he repeats everything I say but in such a way that implies that I'm certifiable for even thinking it (like leaving Bell Mobility, which I swear to God he said twenty-seven times during the conversation).

I then applied my CBT techniques and felt marginally better. Reminded myself that he likely didn't mean things the way they sounded, that his approval was not the be-all and end-all of my existence, etc.


On the personal front:

Didn't sleep at all. Blast. Will be remedying that shortly.

Got my hair cut. Now when I look into the mirror an attractive stranger stares back at me. This attractive stranger has a dark brown bob (slightly feathred) with red highlights and really heavily accented blue eyes.

They made me pretty!

*preens*

*kicks self*

Maybe this is just the insomnia speaking, but I think I need to get myself a life.

A proper, inner life.

I am altogether too damned needy and dependent on my friends for my own good. Dammit, I shouldn't have to hang on their every word and beg (interiorly) for their approval.

I should be fucking self-sufficient!

I hate myself when I'm this damned insecure. There is no reason for me to feel this way. None at all. Except that somewhere in my fucked-up mind I have decided that I'm feeling rejected and insecure, and thus my mindspace has gone to fuck.

Why can't I fucking reconcile myself to the idea that 1) not everything is about me; 2) a few random comments don't mean disapproval; 3) my friends have the right to think whatever the fuck they want about me, good or no; 4) I shouldn't be so fucking dependent on their approval to feel like I'm worth something.

Hasn't the goddamned CBT taught me anything?!?! *cries*

I'm overtired. I'm going to bed. This will be over in the morning.

*kicks self*

Maybe this is just the insomnia speaking, but I think I need to get myself a life.

A proper, inner life.

I am altogether too damned needy and dependent on my friends for my own good. Dammit, I shouldn't have to hang on their every word and beg (interiorly) for their approval.

I should be fucking self-sufficient!

I hate myself when I'm this damned insecure. There is no reason for me to feel this way. None at all. Except that somewhere in my fucked-up mind I have decided that I'm feeling rejected and insecure, and thus my mindspace has gone to fuck.

Why can't I fucking reconcile myself to the idea that 1) not everything is about me; 2) a few random comments don't mean disapproval; 3) my friends have the right to think whatever the fuck they want about me, good or no; 4) I shouldn't be so fucking dependent on their approval to feel like I'm worth something.

Hasn't the goddamned CBT taught me anything?!?! *cries*

I'm overtired. I'm going to bed. This will be over in the morning.