Sad (belated) news

[mousme]

 Backdating this entry as well...

I learned today that two of my long-running LJ friends, tx_cronopio and blackmare both died. The former died only a few weeks ago and the latter died well over a year ago but I somehow missed it. I was just thinking today that I hadn't heard from either of them in a while, and I went to look them up on Facebook and LJ, which is how I found out. blackbuffet died earlier in 2021 as well, and somehow I thought I would be older before I started losing friends quite so regularly. I thought I had at least another decade before that would begin happening, but here we are. Both cronopio and blackmare were "pocket friends," and it was unlikely we'd ever meet IRL, whereas I went to university with V. (aka blackbuffet) and we even dated for a very brief time long before I figured out I wasn't into men, and I considered him a good friend, even though we'd mostly lost touch over the years.

 

I am very sad about all three of them, in different ways, and in the same way, in that I wish I'd had more time with them. More time with their words, their posts, their art, their sense of humour. I had intended, once the pandemic had eased up, to reconnect with V. the next time I went to Montreal, to invite him and as many of our friends as could attend to the restaurant we all used to go to, and laugh and reminisce about our university antics together, and now that will never happen, and I am really sad about it. I suppose it's often like this: we imagine we have more time than we do, and we make plans based on that assumption, and then we get a nasty reminder that life doesn't actually care that much about our plans after all.

 

I'm going to be 43 in a couple of days, and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this age when I was a kid, a teenager, or even a young adult. That's not a bad thing. There were lots of things I didn't understand, and even more things I didn't know back then, and there's nothing wrong with life turning out differently than you imaged. I do still want to change a lot of things about my current situation, but I have come to learn that changing my circumstances is not going to change who I am nor how I feel about it. As the saying goes: No matter where you go, there you are.

 

I will try to make a more comprehensive post about my own stuff later. In the meantime, farewell, dearest friends, and Godspeed. I will see you on the other side. <3