What are you doing with your life?
Jul. 1st, 2019 02:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeI'm not actually having an existential crisis. Nor a mid-life crisis, for that matter. If anything, I am surer now than I ever have been that I still want the same thing I've always wanted, and just never managed to make an executable plan for it.
I haven't posted about those things here in years, probably. People who've been my LJ friends from close to the beginning will know this, but all of the lovely but more recent friends probably aren't aware that, for a very long time--practically since I was a child--I've wanted to have my own small farm in the country. That dream has taken on a few different forms over the years as I grew more informed about what such a thing would entail. I never wanted a large farm, or one that would sustain me economically, but even then there are challenges involved, and these are only the ones I am learning about via my reading, rather than through direct experience.
Essentially what I want to do is remove myself somewhat from the rat race. I'm not in the same rat race as most people. I don't work in a corporate environment, and I haven't been seduced by workaholism (yes, I know my schedule kind of puts the lie to that statement, shut up ;) ), but it nonetheless remains that I am working at a job that has not been making me happy for quite some time now. Well, "unhappy" is not quite the right word--it's more like "unfulfilled."
Even though I was born and bred a city girl, I've always loved the country. I love being out in nature, or just being near it. I love being able to look out my window and see nothing but trees or fields or water, and to be able to look up at the night sky and see the stars scattered there. My dream has always been to live somewhere that this would be possible every day.
I have had the idea for about 12 or 13 years to try to live a more self-sustaining lifestyle. I want to live on a small hobby farm, raise some animals, and live more sustainably and independently than I do now. I have had a bit of success growing vegetables in the past, so the goal is to grow and raise as much as my own food as possible. So, vegetables, maybe grains if there's enough land for it, and some livestock (chickens, then rabbits, and eventually goats). I have very long-term plans for going partially off the grid, i.e. mostly producing my own electricity (solar panels and/or a small wind turbine), and producing most of my own household necessities. Not all of this right off the bat, of course. I view it more as a series of ongoing projects that will likely keep me busy until the day I die. Right now I'm slowly working on the habit of cooking from scratch, which I'd let fall by the wayside over the past couple of years.
Obviously, I haven't accomplished that yet. I was on my way there when I got sidetracked by a relationship that turned out very poorly, and I've spent the past five years recovering from that (we just passed the "anniversary" of the end of that time, which is overall better not spoken of). I'm still not 100%, financially speaking, but I am closer to my goal than I've ever been. In fact, I am so close that it is extremely tempting to jump the gun and put in an offer on a likely looking property. It's taking a lot of willpower on my part not to just dive into an endeavour I can't *quite* afford yet, just because I am really excited at the prospect of finally doing what I've always wanted to do. I have friends who have just bought a beautiful farm, and I am low-key pretty envious, because it's gorgeous and well beyond anything I'd be able to afford on just my income, but I'm also excited to see what I will be able to do with a smaller allotment, too. A little can go a very long way, if you plan carefully, and if I'm perfectly honest with myself, I probably wouldn't be able to manage a really large property all on my own anyway.
I'd been feeling a little guilty in the past few years, because it felt like I'd really let myself lose sight of what was really important to me in life. I forgot that I wanted to slow down, to embrace a quieter pace of life. I don't want to disconnect from the digital world entirely, but I need to take a few steps back and find a balance between all the things I love about online life (my online friends, video games, streaming, etc.) and my need to also be outside and in nature. My life has been very out of balance on that score for years and years.
I won't be in a position to buy a place to live for at least another six months. Ideally I should wait eight or nine months, to be sure I have enough financial wriggle room for unexpected things. I still have to pay all my normal expenses (rent, utilities, pet food, what have you), try to get my personal debt down (*sigh*), and also pay for my university tuition, which is increasing now that I'll be pursuing a Master's (*further sigh*). I have no real reason to complain, I am much better off than most people, but life is expensive, yo. That's actually something I'm trying to fix: I want to spend less money. People who've known me for a long time will know that I am not super good at money in the long term. I can do short term and often manage medium term, but long term? No sirree Bob, not I. So the goal is to learn to simplify, and reduce what I consume (thus reducing what I spend). It's all really in the name of living more intentionally, rather than coasting along with the current, bobbing around wherever the river decides to take me.
Depending on where I move, too, I might try to get some Quaker activity going over there, too. Driving to Ottawa for Meeting every Sunday might be a bit challenging, but I would love to create an intentional little community right where I want to put down roots.I still haven't quite given up on the idea of children, and if/when I get away from shift work (please, God), I want to look into fostering kids, especially teenagers. A few years ago, if you'd asked me, I would have said I'd never be able to handle troubled teenagers, but now I feel more confident, and I think it could end up being a really good thing in the long run. All kids deserve a safe space to land when their lives are falling apart.
What does all this mean? I suppose, for now, it means that I am going to make an effort to chronicle and document my efforts here, starting small. First I'm going to focus on cooking for myself, and significantly de-cluttering and downsizing the house, in anticipation of moving next year. I don't plan on becoming a minimalist by any stretch of the imagination, but even I know I have way too much stuff, and I want to move into a house with a smaller footprint, which will hopefully help me manage my waste production and allow me to focus more on the outdoors than the indoors. After that, we shall see.
I'm working one more night shift tonight (after this one, which will be over in about three hours), as my manager asked me to come in on overtime for Canada Day. I'm not really needed, but they're clearly trying to impress someone and I could use the money. Once I've had a chance to recover from working six days and 72 hours in a row, I'm going to continue going through my impressively huge collection of paperwork and try to get rid of, optimistically, about 90% of it. I estimate that will take me several more days--conservatively around five or six, I should say. Once that's done, I will move onto books, which, interestingly, should be easier, because I already have a good idea of which books I will part with. The konmari category after that is komono, or "everything else," and that is going to be a huge undertaking. I assume it will take me the rest of the summer, if not longer, to get through it all. Still, I think it will make a huge difference in my life, getting rid of so much of the stuff that I've been carting around this whole time.
I don't really have a pithy conclusion for this post. These are just my thoughts at 3am on a Monday, and perhaps I will have more coherent thoughts later on, after I've slept.
Happy Canada Day, everyone!
I haven't posted about those things here in years, probably. People who've been my LJ friends from close to the beginning will know this, but all of the lovely but more recent friends probably aren't aware that, for a very long time--practically since I was a child--I've wanted to have my own small farm in the country. That dream has taken on a few different forms over the years as I grew more informed about what such a thing would entail. I never wanted a large farm, or one that would sustain me economically, but even then there are challenges involved, and these are only the ones I am learning about via my reading, rather than through direct experience.
Essentially what I want to do is remove myself somewhat from the rat race. I'm not in the same rat race as most people. I don't work in a corporate environment, and I haven't been seduced by workaholism (yes, I know my schedule kind of puts the lie to that statement, shut up ;) ), but it nonetheless remains that I am working at a job that has not been making me happy for quite some time now. Well, "unhappy" is not quite the right word--it's more like "unfulfilled."
Even though I was born and bred a city girl, I've always loved the country. I love being out in nature, or just being near it. I love being able to look out my window and see nothing but trees or fields or water, and to be able to look up at the night sky and see the stars scattered there. My dream has always been to live somewhere that this would be possible every day.
I have had the idea for about 12 or 13 years to try to live a more self-sustaining lifestyle. I want to live on a small hobby farm, raise some animals, and live more sustainably and independently than I do now. I have had a bit of success growing vegetables in the past, so the goal is to grow and raise as much as my own food as possible. So, vegetables, maybe grains if there's enough land for it, and some livestock (chickens, then rabbits, and eventually goats). I have very long-term plans for going partially off the grid, i.e. mostly producing my own electricity (solar panels and/or a small wind turbine), and producing most of my own household necessities. Not all of this right off the bat, of course. I view it more as a series of ongoing projects that will likely keep me busy until the day I die. Right now I'm slowly working on the habit of cooking from scratch, which I'd let fall by the wayside over the past couple of years.
Obviously, I haven't accomplished that yet. I was on my way there when I got sidetracked by a relationship that turned out very poorly, and I've spent the past five years recovering from that (we just passed the "anniversary" of the end of that time, which is overall better not spoken of). I'm still not 100%, financially speaking, but I am closer to my goal than I've ever been. In fact, I am so close that it is extremely tempting to jump the gun and put in an offer on a likely looking property. It's taking a lot of willpower on my part not to just dive into an endeavour I can't *quite* afford yet, just because I am really excited at the prospect of finally doing what I've always wanted to do. I have friends who have just bought a beautiful farm, and I am low-key pretty envious, because it's gorgeous and well beyond anything I'd be able to afford on just my income, but I'm also excited to see what I will be able to do with a smaller allotment, too. A little can go a very long way, if you plan carefully, and if I'm perfectly honest with myself, I probably wouldn't be able to manage a really large property all on my own anyway.
I'd been feeling a little guilty in the past few years, because it felt like I'd really let myself lose sight of what was really important to me in life. I forgot that I wanted to slow down, to embrace a quieter pace of life. I don't want to disconnect from the digital world entirely, but I need to take a few steps back and find a balance between all the things I love about online life (my online friends, video games, streaming, etc.) and my need to also be outside and in nature. My life has been very out of balance on that score for years and years.
I won't be in a position to buy a place to live for at least another six months. Ideally I should wait eight or nine months, to be sure I have enough financial wriggle room for unexpected things. I still have to pay all my normal expenses (rent, utilities, pet food, what have you), try to get my personal debt down (*sigh*), and also pay for my university tuition, which is increasing now that I'll be pursuing a Master's (*further sigh*). I have no real reason to complain, I am much better off than most people, but life is expensive, yo. That's actually something I'm trying to fix: I want to spend less money. People who've known me for a long time will know that I am not super good at money in the long term. I can do short term and often manage medium term, but long term? No sirree Bob, not I. So the goal is to learn to simplify, and reduce what I consume (thus reducing what I spend). It's all really in the name of living more intentionally, rather than coasting along with the current, bobbing around wherever the river decides to take me.
Depending on where I move, too, I might try to get some Quaker activity going over there, too. Driving to Ottawa for Meeting every Sunday might be a bit challenging, but I would love to create an intentional little community right where I want to put down roots.I still haven't quite given up on the idea of children, and if/when I get away from shift work (please, God), I want to look into fostering kids, especially teenagers. A few years ago, if you'd asked me, I would have said I'd never be able to handle troubled teenagers, but now I feel more confident, and I think it could end up being a really good thing in the long run. All kids deserve a safe space to land when their lives are falling apart.
What does all this mean? I suppose, for now, it means that I am going to make an effort to chronicle and document my efforts here, starting small. First I'm going to focus on cooking for myself, and significantly de-cluttering and downsizing the house, in anticipation of moving next year. I don't plan on becoming a minimalist by any stretch of the imagination, but even I know I have way too much stuff, and I want to move into a house with a smaller footprint, which will hopefully help me manage my waste production and allow me to focus more on the outdoors than the indoors. After that, we shall see.
I'm working one more night shift tonight (after this one, which will be over in about three hours), as my manager asked me to come in on overtime for Canada Day. I'm not really needed, but they're clearly trying to impress someone and I could use the money. Once I've had a chance to recover from working six days and 72 hours in a row, I'm going to continue going through my impressively huge collection of paperwork and try to get rid of, optimistically, about 90% of it. I estimate that will take me several more days--conservatively around five or six, I should say. Once that's done, I will move onto books, which, interestingly, should be easier, because I already have a good idea of which books I will part with. The konmari category after that is komono, or "everything else," and that is going to be a huge undertaking. I assume it will take me the rest of the summer, if not longer, to get through it all. Still, I think it will make a huge difference in my life, getting rid of so much of the stuff that I've been carting around this whole time.
I don't really have a pithy conclusion for this post. These are just my thoughts at 3am on a Monday, and perhaps I will have more coherent thoughts later on, after I've slept.
Happy Canada Day, everyone!
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no subject
Date: 2019-07-01 12:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-02 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-02 02:29 am (UTC)This sounds like a solid plan and I'm excited to follow you on this journey!
no subject
Date: 2019-07-02 02:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-07-02 12:30 pm (UTC)