Happy Birthday To Me!
Jan. 5th, 2015 07:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeThe universe rewarded me for turning 36 with a wicked bout of vertigo in the middle of my night shift, which I was working alone. So I had to call my boss in disgrace for the second time in six months and crawl home and wait for death, but not before I ended up puking in the trash can at work because I couldn't make it to the bathroom. It was extra humiliating. /o\ I also had to cancel my first ever volunteer session at Shepherds of Good Hope, which also sucked.
So things are a little like my icon, but without the vodka, and it's not nearly as fun as it looks.
I spent today curled up with my laptop, posted some fanfiction and took a nap. I also did dishes, so that today wouldn't be a total write-off. I'm scheduled to have a Skype chat with my parents later on too, which will be nice. The world has (mostly) stopped spinning, and moving doesn't make me throw up anymore, so that's a win. :)
Now seems like as good a time as any to talk about my plans for the year. I've decided not to do "resolutions" in the traditional sense of the word. That being said, I do have a lot on my plate for the foreseeable future.
I've decided that I need to work much harder on becoming a better person.
The past year and change was really hard on me, physically and emotionally, and I have become the kind of person I loathe. The kind who is way too self-absorbed and complains too much without ever doing anything to improve herself or do anything for others. This is not the person I want to be.
That being said, I am also determined to cut myself a little bit of slack. I survived a lot of shit in the last two years, and the change in me was gradual during that time, so I'm not going to be able to change myself overnight, either. I'm going to fail, or at least not progress as fast as I want, and that's okay. I'm going to work hard on self-forgiveness (I am told by reliable sources that self-forgiveness is actually a far more effective means of achieving results than self-loathing!), and by the same token I am going to work harder at being mindful.
Last year I completed The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, and while I won't go into the details here, I have kept one thing from her bag of tricks, which is daily journaling, known as the "Morning Pages." It's basically stream-of-consciousness journaling by hand in a notebook for three pages upon waking. She claims it should take half an hour, but that is a bald-faced lie. ;) Nonetheless, I found the technique really helpful for getting my day started, and for sorting out things in my head.
I've already started the ball rolling on a few things. Back in December I looked up the Ottawa Monthly Meeting (aka the local Quakers) and started going back to as many Meetings as I could (on the weekends I wasn't working). I'd really missed the weekly silent worship and the sense of community that I got when I was attending in Montreal. I'd also missed being part of a Christian community, even if they aren't Catholic, which is how I was baptised. Yes, my church feels that I'm an abomination (although my current Pope is giving me reason to hope!), but that doesn't mean that I have no faith, that I can just turn off everything I've believed in since I was a child, although of course my beliefs have matured since then. So having the opportunity to worship with people who have similar beliefs to mine is very welcome.
The Society of Friends is much bigger here in Ottawa (there were only a handful in Montreal, fewer than 10 at any given time), and they've been very welcoming so far. I made it there on the Sunday before Christmas, and we actually gathered around and sang carols after the silent worship. The children put on the most adorably chaotic pageant I've ever seen, too. XD I've been doing some reading, too. So far I've only gotten as far as Christian Faith and Practice, which is a dense slog of a read. I can only manage a few pages at a time, because there's a lot to process each time. I'm also looking forward to getting more involved with the community, to make friends and also help to make a difference at the same time.
If I hadn't had this annoying bout of vertigo, today would have marked my first day volunteering in the soup kitchen at Shepherds of Good Hope. I'm going to be volunteering every Monday morning except for when I'll be working day shifts at work. I went to an information session back in December, and I am optimistic that this will be a good fit. I'd been meaning to toss my hat in the volunteering ring when I was still living in Montreal, but between work and, well, everything else that happened that I won't go into here, that simply never materialised. As soon as I knew I could settle permanently in Ottawa, I started looking for opportunities to give back to the community, and came upon this. I will update when I have more concrete things to post about.
I also have very vague ideas about becoming healthier in 2015. I haven't firmed up any of the notions floating around in my head yet, but I think they'll probably coalesce by the end of January. Mostly it involves getting outside with the dog more (we need to go on regularly scheduled walks twice a day to help manage his anxiety), and eating more healthfully (I have already done my cooking for the month, and it's all healthy). Basically I need to get out there more and get in some exercise, any exercise. It will be good for my physical and mental well-being, even if I never become a triathlete.
With some professional help I came to the realisation that my eating is seriously disordered, not quite to the point of pathology, but still disordered. It's weird to think of myself as having a borderline eating disorder, because even though intellectually I know better, I've always associated eating disorders with thin people. You know, anorexia, bulemia, the usual suspects. Nonetheless, that's what's going on with me. Mostly it has to do with my eating patterns, or lack thereof, and is partly affected by my irregular work schedule. I tend to not eat at regular times: I forget, or work makes me not want to prepare food, and so I'll go for a really long period of time without eating, and then suddenly I'll realise I'm starving and have nothing healthy ready to eat, and thus make really unhealthy food choices and eat way too much of said unhealthy food choices. It's not a good way to live. That's why I made a concerted effort to have a whole bunch of healthy food in my freezer this month. It's not a perfect solution, because eating patterns are a really difficult thing to change, especially since I have nothing like a proper routine, but it's a very good start. Now I just have to work on getting myself onto as regular a schedule as I can manage, given my job constraints.
What I've taken away from previous attempts at "getting healthy" or "losing weight" or whatever, is that I have to deal with the not-quite-eating disorder first. The moment I start thinking about numbers of any kind (mostly weight), it literally drives me crazy. It amps up my anxiety, makes me weirdly obsessive, and fucks up my eating patterns even more. So, I'm done with programs and number-oriented goals. The goal now will be to establish a healthy relationship with food. And yes, one can have a relationship with food, for those out there who are rolling their eyes at this. Regular, healthy meals. Eat when I'm hungry. Eat only when I'm hungry, although that doesn't count in the case of my forgetting to eat because I was too distracted to realise I was hungry. See above: being more mindful.
Okay, enough about that. Onto more exciting things!
This year I am setting an exciting plan in motion! In ten days I will be going to the first adoption information session at the local Children's Aid Society. Most of you know that I've always wanted to have kids, and if it hadn't been for meeting my ex and thinking we'd be having a family together, I would have started the ball rolling on having children of my own at least two years ago, if not sooner. So I'm a little behind on the schedule I had in mind then, but that's not the end of the world. I just don't want to put it off any longer, because otherwise I'd end up being in my forties when I have children, and I don't know if I'd have all the necessary energy to keep up with them.
Adopting through CAS is a long and complicated process, even supposing that I qualify at all. I have to go through parental training for (I think) 27 sessions, and then have a home study/assessment done to see if I can offer a good home to any potential children. I'd likely be looking at adopting older children, and part of me would love to have a group of siblings. I've always wanted a houseful of children.
I am cognizant of all the potential issues that could arise from adopting older children. The truth is, it comes with its very own set of challenges and is very different from having or adopting a baby. Many kids have emotional, physical, and intellectual troubles. Most people don't want to adopt older children precisely because they believe they're "broken" or "too difficult." I can't speak from experience, but I do know that every child deserves a loving home, regardless of their age, and if that's something I can offer, then that's what I want to do. With the added bonus of having children of my own upon whom to lavish affection.
Again, I'll update you on that after the initial session has taken place. For the moment it's all conjecture. Heck, they might decide I'm totally unsuitable to be a parent, and that'll be the end of that. (At which point I will look into other methods, but I figure I'll cross that bridge when I come to it)
The rest of the year I plan to devote to the usual things. Reading more, cooking more, seeing my friends as much as humanly possible now that I'm in a different city. I won't be able to garden much because there isn't much by way of planting space in my yard, but I'll definitely want to have some containers out there. I've just started pressure canning with help and instruction from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ai731, with whom I've been hanging out a lot more now that I live closer to her. We're scheduled to get together to make pierogies this week, which is super exciting.
I'm also going to be adopting more cats, and possibly another dog, depending on whether Sergent's anxiety gets any better. I don't want to bring in another dog who might end up upsetting him more, but a companion might also be just what he needs in order to get better settled. I'll be consulting with my lovely vet on that score.
If only I could find a convenient way to include photos in LJ that didn't involve an annoying, lengthy upload and then fussing for-freaking-ever with the layout so that it won't look like trash. I do enjoy having posts with photos in them. If anyone has advice on including photos in LJ posts, please tell me!
Anyway, that concludes my lengthy rambling about what I have in mind for the year. I'd promise to post more, but that's probably a lie. I seem to go through phases when I post a lot, and others in which I post only sporadically or not at all, and I think I'll just stick to that. I'll post when I feel I have something of value to share, and that will have to suffice.
Happy New Year again, everyone!
So things are a little like my icon, but without the vodka, and it's not nearly as fun as it looks.
I spent today curled up with my laptop, posted some fanfiction and took a nap. I also did dishes, so that today wouldn't be a total write-off. I'm scheduled to have a Skype chat with my parents later on too, which will be nice. The world has (mostly) stopped spinning, and moving doesn't make me throw up anymore, so that's a win. :)
Now seems like as good a time as any to talk about my plans for the year. I've decided not to do "resolutions" in the traditional sense of the word. That being said, I do have a lot on my plate for the foreseeable future.
I've decided that I need to work much harder on becoming a better person.
The past year and change was really hard on me, physically and emotionally, and I have become the kind of person I loathe. The kind who is way too self-absorbed and complains too much without ever doing anything to improve herself or do anything for others. This is not the person I want to be.
That being said, I am also determined to cut myself a little bit of slack. I survived a lot of shit in the last two years, and the change in me was gradual during that time, so I'm not going to be able to change myself overnight, either. I'm going to fail, or at least not progress as fast as I want, and that's okay. I'm going to work hard on self-forgiveness (I am told by reliable sources that self-forgiveness is actually a far more effective means of achieving results than self-loathing!), and by the same token I am going to work harder at being mindful.
Last year I completed The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, and while I won't go into the details here, I have kept one thing from her bag of tricks, which is daily journaling, known as the "Morning Pages." It's basically stream-of-consciousness journaling by hand in a notebook for three pages upon waking. She claims it should take half an hour, but that is a bald-faced lie. ;) Nonetheless, I found the technique really helpful for getting my day started, and for sorting out things in my head.
I've already started the ball rolling on a few things. Back in December I looked up the Ottawa Monthly Meeting (aka the local Quakers) and started going back to as many Meetings as I could (on the weekends I wasn't working). I'd really missed the weekly silent worship and the sense of community that I got when I was attending in Montreal. I'd also missed being part of a Christian community, even if they aren't Catholic, which is how I was baptised. Yes, my church feels that I'm an abomination (although my current Pope is giving me reason to hope!), but that doesn't mean that I have no faith, that I can just turn off everything I've believed in since I was a child, although of course my beliefs have matured since then. So having the opportunity to worship with people who have similar beliefs to mine is very welcome.
The Society of Friends is much bigger here in Ottawa (there were only a handful in Montreal, fewer than 10 at any given time), and they've been very welcoming so far. I made it there on the Sunday before Christmas, and we actually gathered around and sang carols after the silent worship. The children put on the most adorably chaotic pageant I've ever seen, too. XD I've been doing some reading, too. So far I've only gotten as far as Christian Faith and Practice, which is a dense slog of a read. I can only manage a few pages at a time, because there's a lot to process each time. I'm also looking forward to getting more involved with the community, to make friends and also help to make a difference at the same time.
If I hadn't had this annoying bout of vertigo, today would have marked my first day volunteering in the soup kitchen at Shepherds of Good Hope. I'm going to be volunteering every Monday morning except for when I'll be working day shifts at work. I went to an information session back in December, and I am optimistic that this will be a good fit. I'd been meaning to toss my hat in the volunteering ring when I was still living in Montreal, but between work and, well, everything else that happened that I won't go into here, that simply never materialised. As soon as I knew I could settle permanently in Ottawa, I started looking for opportunities to give back to the community, and came upon this. I will update when I have more concrete things to post about.
I also have very vague ideas about becoming healthier in 2015. I haven't firmed up any of the notions floating around in my head yet, but I think they'll probably coalesce by the end of January. Mostly it involves getting outside with the dog more (we need to go on regularly scheduled walks twice a day to help manage his anxiety), and eating more healthfully (I have already done my cooking for the month, and it's all healthy). Basically I need to get out there more and get in some exercise, any exercise. It will be good for my physical and mental well-being, even if I never become a triathlete.
With some professional help I came to the realisation that my eating is seriously disordered, not quite to the point of pathology, but still disordered. It's weird to think of myself as having a borderline eating disorder, because even though intellectually I know better, I've always associated eating disorders with thin people. You know, anorexia, bulemia, the usual suspects. Nonetheless, that's what's going on with me. Mostly it has to do with my eating patterns, or lack thereof, and is partly affected by my irregular work schedule. I tend to not eat at regular times: I forget, or work makes me not want to prepare food, and so I'll go for a really long period of time without eating, and then suddenly I'll realise I'm starving and have nothing healthy ready to eat, and thus make really unhealthy food choices and eat way too much of said unhealthy food choices. It's not a good way to live. That's why I made a concerted effort to have a whole bunch of healthy food in my freezer this month. It's not a perfect solution, because eating patterns are a really difficult thing to change, especially since I have nothing like a proper routine, but it's a very good start. Now I just have to work on getting myself onto as regular a schedule as I can manage, given my job constraints.
What I've taken away from previous attempts at "getting healthy" or "losing weight" or whatever, is that I have to deal with the not-quite-eating disorder first. The moment I start thinking about numbers of any kind (mostly weight), it literally drives me crazy. It amps up my anxiety, makes me weirdly obsessive, and fucks up my eating patterns even more. So, I'm done with programs and number-oriented goals. The goal now will be to establish a healthy relationship with food. And yes, one can have a relationship with food, for those out there who are rolling their eyes at this. Regular, healthy meals. Eat when I'm hungry. Eat only when I'm hungry, although that doesn't count in the case of my forgetting to eat because I was too distracted to realise I was hungry. See above: being more mindful.
Okay, enough about that. Onto more exciting things!
This year I am setting an exciting plan in motion! In ten days I will be going to the first adoption information session at the local Children's Aid Society. Most of you know that I've always wanted to have kids, and if it hadn't been for meeting my ex and thinking we'd be having a family together, I would have started the ball rolling on having children of my own at least two years ago, if not sooner. So I'm a little behind on the schedule I had in mind then, but that's not the end of the world. I just don't want to put it off any longer, because otherwise I'd end up being in my forties when I have children, and I don't know if I'd have all the necessary energy to keep up with them.
Adopting through CAS is a long and complicated process, even supposing that I qualify at all. I have to go through parental training for (I think) 27 sessions, and then have a home study/assessment done to see if I can offer a good home to any potential children. I'd likely be looking at adopting older children, and part of me would love to have a group of siblings. I've always wanted a houseful of children.
I am cognizant of all the potential issues that could arise from adopting older children. The truth is, it comes with its very own set of challenges and is very different from having or adopting a baby. Many kids have emotional, physical, and intellectual troubles. Most people don't want to adopt older children precisely because they believe they're "broken" or "too difficult." I can't speak from experience, but I do know that every child deserves a loving home, regardless of their age, and if that's something I can offer, then that's what I want to do. With the added bonus of having children of my own upon whom to lavish affection.
Again, I'll update you on that after the initial session has taken place. For the moment it's all conjecture. Heck, they might decide I'm totally unsuitable to be a parent, and that'll be the end of that. (At which point I will look into other methods, but I figure I'll cross that bridge when I come to it)
The rest of the year I plan to devote to the usual things. Reading more, cooking more, seeing my friends as much as humanly possible now that I'm in a different city. I won't be able to garden much because there isn't much by way of planting space in my yard, but I'll definitely want to have some containers out there. I've just started pressure canning with help and instruction from
ai731, with whom I've been hanging out a lot more now that I live closer to her. We're scheduled to get together to make pierogies this week, which is super exciting.I'm also going to be adopting more cats, and possibly another dog, depending on whether Sergent's anxiety gets any better. I don't want to bring in another dog who might end up upsetting him more, but a companion might also be just what he needs in order to get better settled. I'll be consulting with my lovely vet on that score.
If only I could find a convenient way to include photos in LJ that didn't involve an annoying, lengthy upload and then fussing for-freaking-ever with the layout so that it won't look like trash. I do enjoy having posts with photos in them. If anyone has advice on including photos in LJ posts, please tell me!
Anyway, that concludes my lengthy rambling about what I have in mind for the year. I'd promise to post more, but that's probably a lie. I seem to go through phases when I post a lot, and others in which I post only sporadically or not at all, and I think I'll just stick to that. I'll post when I feel I have something of value to share, and that will have to suffice.
Happy New Year again, everyone!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 01:49 am (UTC)You have a great year ahead of you, and I'm happy I get to be along for the virtual-ride via LJ. And happy happy birthday to you!
no subject
Date: 2015-01-06 03:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-01-07 05:53 pm (UTC)