Irrational and Neurotic
Dec. 18th, 2013 01:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeI've been trying to pin down a list of all the irrational, neurotic and dysfunctional beliefs I have, and the more I think about them the more I realise there are. Ack. /o\
I'm going to try to write them down, but I may have to come back to this list and add to it as they occur to me (see previous entries about memory problems). These are in no particular order, and some of them are more sub-thoughts of the main belief system in place. IDK, I'm just thinking out loud. I'm putting them behind a cut, because I'm pretty sure no one but me wants to see what a mess my brain is.
*I am responsible for the emotional well-being of others.
*If bad things happen to someone in my immediate family, it's my fault. (Yes, even car accidents for which I wasn't present, cracked windshields, and the dog eating someone's hair clip when I wasn't at home)
*If bad things happen, it's up to me to fix whatever went wrong. (Even if I have no objective control over the situation)
*If I make a mistake, it will always have the worst possible outcome for that particular situation.
*I am not a good person, and must therefore work very hard to overcome that.
*If things don't go according to plan, it's my fault for not making a better plan to begin with, or for foreseeing what ended up going wrong.
*If I can't do something perfectly the first time around, it's because I am incompetent and therefore a failure.
*If I know I won't be able to do something perfectly the first time, then there's no point in trying at all.
*If I don't try, then at least I won't fail.
*I am incompetent at most of the things I do in life. I am a faker and a hypocrite for pretending I am knowledgeable or competent in any area of my life, and eventually I am bound to be found out.
*My thoughts and opinions have no value. Or, at least, everyone else's thoughts and opinions are more important and valuable than mine.
*I am stupid, but manage to cover it up well.
*People are predisposed not to like me. When meeting new people I have to make an extra special effort in order to elicit even a neutral reaction, rather than a negative one. I need to work even harder if I want to make a favourable impression.
*It's extremely important that people like me.
*If my friends and family knew what I was really like, they wouldn't want to put up with it and would leave me.
*In the end, everyone leaves me.
*People who befriend me/become close to me/enter into relationships with me regret it almost immediately, but are too polite to tell me so, or else they feel trapped and resent me for it without being able to express their true feelings toward me.
*I should avoid people because they don't truly want to be around me.
*I am selfish and spend too much time thinking only of myself. My attempts at self-improvement only prove that I spend too much time navel-gazing and not enough time doing things for my family and/or friends and/or job.
*Every decision I make backfires on me.
*If something makes me feel uncomfortable, it's my problem. I can't expect other people to change their behaviour to suit my whims. I need to learn to live with or overcome my discomfort.
*I don't deserve respect or friendship or love, even if all these things are extremely important to me.
And that's a tour of the murky depths of my subconscious. Yeesh.
:::ETA:::
It's worth noting that I am not in any particularly deep psychological distress at the moment. I find the list depressing to look at, but I'm otherwise pretty much okay. Okay, carry on. :)
I'm going to try to write them down, but I may have to come back to this list and add to it as they occur to me (see previous entries about memory problems). These are in no particular order, and some of them are more sub-thoughts of the main belief system in place. IDK, I'm just thinking out loud. I'm putting them behind a cut, because I'm pretty sure no one but me wants to see what a mess my brain is.
*I am responsible for the emotional well-being of others.
*If bad things happen to someone in my immediate family, it's my fault. (Yes, even car accidents for which I wasn't present, cracked windshields, and the dog eating someone's hair clip when I wasn't at home)
*If bad things happen, it's up to me to fix whatever went wrong. (Even if I have no objective control over the situation)
*If I make a mistake, it will always have the worst possible outcome for that particular situation.
*I am not a good person, and must therefore work very hard to overcome that.
*If things don't go according to plan, it's my fault for not making a better plan to begin with, or for foreseeing what ended up going wrong.
*If I can't do something perfectly the first time around, it's because I am incompetent and therefore a failure.
*If I know I won't be able to do something perfectly the first time, then there's no point in trying at all.
*If I don't try, then at least I won't fail.
*I am incompetent at most of the things I do in life. I am a faker and a hypocrite for pretending I am knowledgeable or competent in any area of my life, and eventually I am bound to be found out.
*My thoughts and opinions have no value. Or, at least, everyone else's thoughts and opinions are more important and valuable than mine.
*I am stupid, but manage to cover it up well.
*People are predisposed not to like me. When meeting new people I have to make an extra special effort in order to elicit even a neutral reaction, rather than a negative one. I need to work even harder if I want to make a favourable impression.
*It's extremely important that people like me.
*If my friends and family knew what I was really like, they wouldn't want to put up with it and would leave me.
*In the end, everyone leaves me.
*People who befriend me/become close to me/enter into relationships with me regret it almost immediately, but are too polite to tell me so, or else they feel trapped and resent me for it without being able to express their true feelings toward me.
*I should avoid people because they don't truly want to be around me.
*I am selfish and spend too much time thinking only of myself. My attempts at self-improvement only prove that I spend too much time navel-gazing and not enough time doing things for my family and/or friends and/or job.
*Every decision I make backfires on me.
*If something makes me feel uncomfortable, it's my problem. I can't expect other people to change their behaviour to suit my whims. I need to learn to live with or overcome my discomfort.
*I don't deserve respect or friendship or love, even if all these things are extremely important to me.
And that's a tour of the murky depths of my subconscious. Yeesh.
:::ETA:::
It's worth noting that I am not in any particularly deep psychological distress at the moment. I find the list depressing to look at, but I'm otherwise pretty much okay. Okay, carry on. :)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2013-12-18 07:24 pm (UTC)Also, you are one of the smartest people I know. I know it probably won't help that I told you that, but you deserve to know that.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 03:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-18 07:28 pm (UTC)... I have nine of those ...
Though there's one that I have objective proof is actually true, so it probably doesn't count as neurotic for me.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 03:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-18 09:03 pm (UTC)Yeah, I've got this one pretty badly too; I blame grad school for it. On the upside, I've been trying to channel it into improved financial responsibility (i.e. saving like a fiend, so that when I *am* found out, I'll be financially independent, and it won't matter anymore).
no subject
Date: 2013-12-19 01:43 pm (UTC)(Also, o hai! it's good to "see" you!!)
no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 03:53 pm (UTC)I miss you guys like burning! I need to renew my passport in the New Year, and also work on my correspondence skills in general. (I still have your Art of Jesuit Breadmaking Book, in case you were wondering what happened to it)
I hear you on daily work being something you have little experience in. I'm learning my new job now, and so I am constantly making mistakes as I learn.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 03:50 pm (UTC)I keep chipping away at the financial responsibility thing. It's a work in progress. :P
no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 08:58 pm (UTC)It's a terrible shame really, since learning is such an enjoyable and wonderful thing..
no subject
Date: 2013-12-22 01:11 am (UTC)It's a terrible shame really, since learning is such an enjoyable and wonderful thing.
Yes, precisely. I don't know how our society manages to turn it into something most kids desperately want to avoid. :(
no subject
Date: 2013-12-22 03:35 am (UTC)My former-somewhat-insider's perspective from universities (which should really bring out the joy in learning, since in theory they're far from compulsory, and very flexible in allowing students to study what they want) is that formal education has divorced itself from learning, and gotten remarried to credentialism. It also sucks the joy out of teaching to have students who are only there to satisfy some requirement for a credential that they want, instead of students genuinely interested in the subject being taught.
no subject
Date: 2013-12-26 02:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-20 07:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-22 01:10 am (UTC)I always assumed they fell apart because no one was herding the cats. ;)