À la recherche de la mémoire perdue...

[mousme]

With my apologies to M. Proust for taking liberties with his title… ;)

I mentioned in my post yesterday that my memory is for shit these days. It's been this way for a while, actually, at least a year if not more, but it's been getting worse as time goes by. I'm talking specifically about my short-term memory. My long-term memory seems to be mostly unaffected, but my short-term memory has degraded at what I feel is an alarming rate.

I didn't notice how badly my memory and my attention span had deteriorated until pdaughter moved in. We started jokingly calling them "Peanut Butter Moments," after an incident in which I was helping to reorganise the pantry. I looked up to see a jar of peanut butter on a shelf where it didn't belong, and asked "What's that doing there?" The answer, of course, was that I had moved it there not five minutes before. To this day, I have no memory whatsoever of moving that jar of peanut butter. There was no, "Oh, right, how silly of me!" moment. I truly don't recall doing it.

That's the funny part of this problem. Unfortunately, it's mostly not all that funny. I can't hold numbers in my head, I forget entire conversations, and I end up doing a lot of things two or three times instead of once because I can't remember if I've done them or not.

It's especially frustrating for pdaughter (and other people), because I ask the same questions over and over again, or forget stuff they've told me not 24 hours ago. It's not quite like living with someone with Alzheimer's or the onset of senility, but I imagine it's like a watered-down version of that. It gives people the impression that I don't listen when they're talking to me, and I can understand why that would make them feel frustrated and unappreciated and ignored.

"But I just told you that yesterday!"

It truly must appear that I'm in bad faith, when in fact, as a rule, I simply forgot. From one moment to the next, my brain no longer retains information. Writing things down helps, but isn't a guarantee I will remember. In fact, sometimes I write things down and then forget where I wrote them (unless I put it in the small notebook I always carry with me). Sometimes I write things down and forget I wrote them down. "I should write that down!" I think, and then after I open my notebook I find that I've already done so.

It's incredibly frustrating for everyone involved. It affects every aspect of my life, from family and housekeeping all the way to work. My new job is highly dependent on remembering all the standard operating procedures in place. I'm lucky enough that I'm a good note taker and have written down about 80% of what I need, but every time something unusual comes up that I know we've covered but that I haven't written down, my recall fails me.

In short, my brain is a pile of mush, it's getting worse rather than better, and this is making everything hard. /o\

Comments

[de-nugis.livejournal.com]

That's really tough, I'm sorry. It's good that you have some ways of working around it, with writing things down and such, but anything memory related is so staggeringly pervasive. For what it's worth, I'm sending some good thoughts your way.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my system isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it's the best I can come up with on short notice. When all my new paperwork comes through (hopefully in early January) I'm going to find a doctor and possibly a therapist to help me work on these issues in a way that will provide more than a temporary band-aid.

I appreciate the good thoughts!

[jmathieson-fic.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear you have a plan in place to find professional help, because this does sound like something you should see a medical person about.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. The problem has moved past the point of ridiculous and right into the realm of worrisome and interfering with my quality of life. In Quebec I had no doctor, but starting January 1st I'll be covered in Ontario and I'm hoping to find a doctor here. I'm a little worried that the answer will be "Sleep more and be less stressed," which, while good advice, is not really an option these days...

[curtana.livejournal.com]

Make sure they run a thyroid test, absolutely. Having my thyroid at the right levels makes all the difference in terms of my ability to not be exhausted and braindead all the time.

I hope they can sort it out for you with something equally as painless! *hugs*

[mousme.livejournal.com]

That never even occurred to me. Thanks for the advice!


*hugs back*

[sirena73]

I just now made a very similar post regarding memory issues. I'm in the same boat and getting very anxious about it. I do think I'll ask my doctor at my next appointment about checking my thyroid, too, didn't think of that.

Anyway, here's to better days...that we remember. :)

[mousme.livejournal.com]

I just saw your entry too. Memory problems are the worst, aren't they? Especially when coupled with anxiety. Ugh. I hope you find out what's wrong and that it's an easy fix!

[pkwench.livejournal.com]

Mebbe have them check a seratonin level as well. I only mention it because I've run into short term memory, absent-mindedness before and it's been related to chemical imbalances/depression. It's a thought anyway. :) Regardless, hang in there.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Interesting. I know that my memory got shot all to hell back when I was first suffering from the worst effects of bipolar, but it started coming back in wee increments after that. It never fully recovered, but it was functional.

How does one check for serotonin levels, anyway? :P

[owldaughter.livejournal.com]

I hear you in every possible way, handling brain fog and memory issues myself. There's a fine balance between not being hard on yourself and developing coping strategies that constructively deal with the problem. I wish you luck!

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Starting in January I'll be covered in Ontario for health. I'm going to get this looked at, to see if there's anything to be done.