Ack! The sparkles, they burn!
Dec. 14th, 2008 08:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeI read Twilight last night, because I figured if I was going to openly mock the sparkly vampires, then I should at least do so with some knowledge of the material.
Yeah.
I'd promise to avoid spoilers in my review, but since there WAS NO PLOT EVER I don't think it's really necessary. Okay, onward.
1- The book won no points with me by being full of typos. Do the editors just not care?
2- The writing is okay. Nothing exceptional, but not terrible either, and the author has a good feel for sentence structure and rhythm. The tone is appropriate for a first-person teenage narrator (although a bit on the young side for a girl who's supposedly seventeen: I'd have pegged her at closer to thirteen or fourteen at most). I have nothing against the writing style for the most part, although it becomes very very purple (especially in the notorious "sparkling" scene) and kind of lurid and overblown at times. It's not egregious for the most part.
3- The narrator, protagonist Isabella "Bella" Swan, started getting on my nerves about a chapter and a half in. She's *thisclose* to being a Mary Sue, and is dull as dishwater otherwise. She describes her own appearance in what are meant to be disparaging terms, but the description is not-so-cunningly designed to make the reader understand that she is, in fact, quite pretty, if in a "non-standard" way. Too pale, dark hair, large eyes, blah blah blah.
Bella is gifted in English and writing, detests math (but appears to be good at it), is good at biology, but lest she be too "perfect" she's given an anime-esque flaw of being a hopeless clutz. Not just a bit clumsy, no: it's a HUGE production every time. She can't walk a straight line, continually injures herself or others during gym class, and can't manage an easy hike through the woods on a flat path without getting her jeans stained and torn and her hands scraped to hell.
The beginning of the book has her returning to her childhood hometown to live with her father during her last year of high school, in a deliberate choice of martyrdom so that she can make her mother happy (the mother is off gallivanting with her latest beau, Phil). It's made clear that Bella is extraordinarily mature for her age, an "old soul" who has always taken care of her mother rather than the other way around. She immediately takes over the maternal role with her father, Charlie, as well, even though he's lived for years on his own and can probably manage just fine.
From the moment she sets foot in school, Bella makes a big impression on the local boys, who proceed to fall all over themselves trying to ask her out, which only makes her uncomfortable. She's never ever had a boyfriend, you see, because she never found anyone who was Right™.
Bella also spends a lot of time fainting and/or losing consciousness (fully or partly). More on her later, because Everything Is About Bella in this book.
4- Enter Vampires, stage right. Or possibly stage left. The Vampires don't move so much as they constantly appear seemingly out of nowhere. They are new-ish in town (have only been around for a couple of years) and thus are Strangers and Regarded With Suspicion by the small-town folk.
Blah blah blah spectacularly good-looking, intoxicating presence, mesmerizing gaze, loner types who don't mingle with other students, blah. Minorly interesting back stories, which I won't bother spoiling, for those of you who might want to read the book.
Edward is the Vampire Suitor. Not only is he incredible in every way (the way vampires are, don't you know), but he is a Soopar Extra Speshul Sparkly Vampire because he can hear people's thoughts. Oh yes. Not just a pretty face this one. This is where it gets to be All About Bella again, because she is so extra specially special that she is the one person whose thoughts he can't read, for some reason unknown to everyone except maybe the author, and I think her reason is that it makes Bella extra specially special and hasn't thought it through any more than that.
*puke*
Anyway, moving on.
5- Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire after having the information handed to her on a platter by a local Native American. He doesn't bother denying it ('cause she's so clever to have figured it out all by herself!), and decides to hell with all his clan's self-imposed rules and begins to date her. There's a lot of random reasons he gives for this decision, but it comes down to the fact that he finds her irresistible and they're Meant To Be and there's Fate involved, and blah blah blah.
Then there is LOTS OF ANGST for about two hundred pages. He can't be with her, she can't be with him, because it would be Dangerous and Wrong. They go out together anyway. There is more angst. She swoons a great deal. He is also a perfect gentleman, and RECOILS IN HORROR on the two occasions when she has the poor sense to try and add a little tongue to their kissing.
This is where the book really lost me. Edward spends an entire night in Bella's room, and NOTHING HAPPENS. They don't even kiss. Nothing. I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. It's so heavy-handed a message that it put me off. She's portrayed as a weak girl ruled by her sex drive and he's the strong man who knows The Right Way, and who guides her with a firm hand.
Add to this Cryptic Warnings from the local Friendly Natives Who Live On The Nearby Reservation (I can't make this shit up, I tell you!), sibling jealousy from the other teenage vampires, and parental worrying on both sides, and that sums up the first 70% of the novel.
6- I'm not kidding about that either. 70% of the novel is angst. No plot. I waited anxiously for a plot, any plot, to materialize. I was rewarded around page 370 of 498 pages.
Actual plot spoilers follow this
The conflict/plot is ridiculously simple. I have nothing against simple plots, but this feels as though the author made no effort whatsoever. It was insulting. Basically three bad vampires come onto the scene (unlike the "good vampires" in the book who don't feed off humans), and threaten Bella.
Blah blah blah they try to protect Bella, Bella is an idiot and tries to fix things on her own and gets her ass handed to her on a platter, and then Edward swoops in and saves her. After he saves her, he gives her a stern lecture along the lines of: "You see? You should have left things up to me the way I said. I still had to save you and now you're hurt."
Bella meekly accepts the verdict that she is a helpless maiden who should let herself be ruled by men, Edward takes her to the prom (no I'm not kidding, I SWEAR!), and we assume that they will live angstily ever after.
The end.
In short, I'm very glad that this was a quick and easy read. I lost patience with it very quickly, so if it had taken me any longer than a couple of hours to read I probably wouldn't have bothered finishing it.
Yeah.
I'd promise to avoid spoilers in my review, but since there WAS NO PLOT EVER I don't think it's really necessary. Okay, onward.
1- The book won no points with me by being full of typos. Do the editors just not care?
2- The writing is okay. Nothing exceptional, but not terrible either, and the author has a good feel for sentence structure and rhythm. The tone is appropriate for a first-person teenage narrator (although a bit on the young side for a girl who's supposedly seventeen: I'd have pegged her at closer to thirteen or fourteen at most). I have nothing against the writing style for the most part, although it becomes very very purple (especially in the notorious "sparkling" scene) and kind of lurid and overblown at times. It's not egregious for the most part.
3- The narrator, protagonist Isabella "Bella" Swan, started getting on my nerves about a chapter and a half in. She's *thisclose* to being a Mary Sue, and is dull as dishwater otherwise. She describes her own appearance in what are meant to be disparaging terms, but the description is not-so-cunningly designed to make the reader understand that she is, in fact, quite pretty, if in a "non-standard" way. Too pale, dark hair, large eyes, blah blah blah.
Bella is gifted in English and writing, detests math (but appears to be good at it), is good at biology, but lest she be too "perfect" she's given an anime-esque flaw of being a hopeless clutz. Not just a bit clumsy, no: it's a HUGE production every time. She can't walk a straight line, continually injures herself or others during gym class, and can't manage an easy hike through the woods on a flat path without getting her jeans stained and torn and her hands scraped to hell.
The beginning of the book has her returning to her childhood hometown to live with her father during her last year of high school, in a deliberate choice of martyrdom so that she can make her mother happy (the mother is off gallivanting with her latest beau, Phil). It's made clear that Bella is extraordinarily mature for her age, an "old soul" who has always taken care of her mother rather than the other way around. She immediately takes over the maternal role with her father, Charlie, as well, even though he's lived for years on his own and can probably manage just fine.
From the moment she sets foot in school, Bella makes a big impression on the local boys, who proceed to fall all over themselves trying to ask her out, which only makes her uncomfortable. She's never ever had a boyfriend, you see, because she never found anyone who was Right™.
Bella also spends a lot of time fainting and/or losing consciousness (fully or partly). More on her later, because Everything Is About Bella in this book.
4- Enter Vampires, stage right. Or possibly stage left. The Vampires don't move so much as they constantly appear seemingly out of nowhere. They are new-ish in town (have only been around for a couple of years) and thus are Strangers and Regarded With Suspicion by the small-town folk.
Blah blah blah spectacularly good-looking, intoxicating presence, mesmerizing gaze, loner types who don't mingle with other students, blah. Minorly interesting back stories, which I won't bother spoiling, for those of you who might want to read the book.
Edward is the Vampire Suitor. Not only is he incredible in every way (the way vampires are, don't you know), but he is a Soopar Extra Speshul Sparkly Vampire because he can hear people's thoughts. Oh yes. Not just a pretty face this one. This is where it gets to be All About Bella again, because she is so extra specially special that she is the one person whose thoughts he can't read, for some reason unknown to everyone except maybe the author, and I think her reason is that it makes Bella extra specially special and hasn't thought it through any more than that.
*puke*
Anyway, moving on.
5- Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire after having the information handed to her on a platter by a local Native American. He doesn't bother denying it ('cause she's so clever to have figured it out all by herself!), and decides to hell with all his clan's self-imposed rules and begins to date her. There's a lot of random reasons he gives for this decision, but it comes down to the fact that he finds her irresistible and they're Meant To Be and there's Fate involved, and blah blah blah.
Then there is LOTS OF ANGST for about two hundred pages. He can't be with her, she can't be with him, because it would be Dangerous and Wrong. They go out together anyway. There is more angst. She swoons a great deal. He is also a perfect gentleman, and RECOILS IN HORROR on the two occasions when she has the poor sense to try and add a little tongue to their kissing.
This is where the book really lost me. Edward spends an entire night in Bella's room, and NOTHING HAPPENS. They don't even kiss. Nothing. I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. It's so heavy-handed a message that it put me off. She's portrayed as a weak girl ruled by her sex drive and he's the strong man who knows The Right Way, and who guides her with a firm hand.
Add to this Cryptic Warnings from the local Friendly Natives Who Live On The Nearby Reservation (I can't make this shit up, I tell you!), sibling jealousy from the other teenage vampires, and parental worrying on both sides, and that sums up the first 70% of the novel.
6- I'm not kidding about that either. 70% of the novel is angst. No plot. I waited anxiously for a plot, any plot, to materialize. I was rewarded around page 370 of 498 pages.
Actual plot spoilers follow this
The conflict/plot is ridiculously simple. I have nothing against simple plots, but this feels as though the author made no effort whatsoever. It was insulting. Basically three bad vampires come onto the scene (unlike the "good vampires" in the book who don't feed off humans), and threaten Bella.
Blah blah blah they try to protect Bella, Bella is an idiot and tries to fix things on her own and gets her ass handed to her on a platter, and then Edward swoops in and saves her. After he saves her, he gives her a stern lecture along the lines of: "You see? You should have left things up to me the way I said. I still had to save you and now you're hurt."
Bella meekly accepts the verdict that she is a helpless maiden who should let herself be ruled by men, Edward takes her to the prom (no I'm not kidding, I SWEAR!), and we assume that they will live angstily ever after.
The end.
In short, I'm very glad that this was a quick and easy read. I lost patience with it very quickly, so if it had taken me any longer than a couple of hours to read I probably wouldn't have bothered finishing it.
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no subject
Date: 2008-12-16 12:44 am (UTC)Yeah, I may finally be learning to pick my battles at the age of 37.