Ack! The sparkles, they burn!
Dec. 14th, 2008 08:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mousmeI read Twilight last night, because I figured if I was going to openly mock the sparkly vampires, then I should at least do so with some knowledge of the material.
Yeah.
I'd promise to avoid spoilers in my review, but since there WAS NO PLOT EVER I don't think it's really necessary. Okay, onward.
1- The book won no points with me by being full of typos. Do the editors just not care?
2- The writing is okay. Nothing exceptional, but not terrible either, and the author has a good feel for sentence structure and rhythm. The tone is appropriate for a first-person teenage narrator (although a bit on the young side for a girl who's supposedly seventeen: I'd have pegged her at closer to thirteen or fourteen at most). I have nothing against the writing style for the most part, although it becomes very very purple (especially in the notorious "sparkling" scene) and kind of lurid and overblown at times. It's not egregious for the most part.
3- The narrator, protagonist Isabella "Bella" Swan, started getting on my nerves about a chapter and a half in. She's *thisclose* to being a Mary Sue, and is dull as dishwater otherwise. She describes her own appearance in what are meant to be disparaging terms, but the description is not-so-cunningly designed to make the reader understand that she is, in fact, quite pretty, if in a "non-standard" way. Too pale, dark hair, large eyes, blah blah blah.
Bella is gifted in English and writing, detests math (but appears to be good at it), is good at biology, but lest she be too "perfect" she's given an anime-esque flaw of being a hopeless clutz. Not just a bit clumsy, no: it's a HUGE production every time. She can't walk a straight line, continually injures herself or others during gym class, and can't manage an easy hike through the woods on a flat path without getting her jeans stained and torn and her hands scraped to hell.
The beginning of the book has her returning to her childhood hometown to live with her father during her last year of high school, in a deliberate choice of martyrdom so that she can make her mother happy (the mother is off gallivanting with her latest beau, Phil). It's made clear that Bella is extraordinarily mature for her age, an "old soul" who has always taken care of her mother rather than the other way around. She immediately takes over the maternal role with her father, Charlie, as well, even though he's lived for years on his own and can probably manage just fine.
From the moment she sets foot in school, Bella makes a big impression on the local boys, who proceed to fall all over themselves trying to ask her out, which only makes her uncomfortable. She's never ever had a boyfriend, you see, because she never found anyone who was Right™.
Bella also spends a lot of time fainting and/or losing consciousness (fully or partly). More on her later, because Everything Is About Bella in this book.
4- Enter Vampires, stage right. Or possibly stage left. The Vampires don't move so much as they constantly appear seemingly out of nowhere. They are new-ish in town (have only been around for a couple of years) and thus are Strangers and Regarded With Suspicion by the small-town folk.
Blah blah blah spectacularly good-looking, intoxicating presence, mesmerizing gaze, loner types who don't mingle with other students, blah. Minorly interesting back stories, which I won't bother spoiling, for those of you who might want to read the book.
Edward is the Vampire Suitor. Not only is he incredible in every way (the way vampires are, don't you know), but he is a Soopar Extra Speshul Sparkly Vampire because he can hear people's thoughts. Oh yes. Not just a pretty face this one. This is where it gets to be All About Bella again, because she is so extra specially special that she is the one person whose thoughts he can't read, for some reason unknown to everyone except maybe the author, and I think her reason is that it makes Bella extra specially special and hasn't thought it through any more than that.
*puke*
Anyway, moving on.
5- Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire after having the information handed to her on a platter by a local Native American. He doesn't bother denying it ('cause she's so clever to have figured it out all by herself!), and decides to hell with all his clan's self-imposed rules and begins to date her. There's a lot of random reasons he gives for this decision, but it comes down to the fact that he finds her irresistible and they're Meant To Be and there's Fate involved, and blah blah blah.
Then there is LOTS OF ANGST for about two hundred pages. He can't be with her, she can't be with him, because it would be Dangerous and Wrong. They go out together anyway. There is more angst. She swoons a great deal. He is also a perfect gentleman, and RECOILS IN HORROR on the two occasions when she has the poor sense to try and add a little tongue to their kissing.
This is where the book really lost me. Edward spends an entire night in Bella's room, and NOTHING HAPPENS. They don't even kiss. Nothing. I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. It's so heavy-handed a message that it put me off. She's portrayed as a weak girl ruled by her sex drive and he's the strong man who knows The Right Way, and who guides her with a firm hand.
Add to this Cryptic Warnings from the local Friendly Natives Who Live On The Nearby Reservation (I can't make this shit up, I tell you!), sibling jealousy from the other teenage vampires, and parental worrying on both sides, and that sums up the first 70% of the novel.
6- I'm not kidding about that either. 70% of the novel is angst. No plot. I waited anxiously for a plot, any plot, to materialize. I was rewarded around page 370 of 498 pages.
Actual plot spoilers follow this
The conflict/plot is ridiculously simple. I have nothing against simple plots, but this feels as though the author made no effort whatsoever. It was insulting. Basically three bad vampires come onto the scene (unlike the "good vampires" in the book who don't feed off humans), and threaten Bella.
Blah blah blah they try to protect Bella, Bella is an idiot and tries to fix things on her own and gets her ass handed to her on a platter, and then Edward swoops in and saves her. After he saves her, he gives her a stern lecture along the lines of: "You see? You should have left things up to me the way I said. I still had to save you and now you're hurt."
Bella meekly accepts the verdict that she is a helpless maiden who should let herself be ruled by men, Edward takes her to the prom (no I'm not kidding, I SWEAR!), and we assume that they will live angstily ever after.
The end.
In short, I'm very glad that this was a quick and easy read. I lost patience with it very quickly, so if it had taken me any longer than a couple of hours to read I probably wouldn't have bothered finishing it.
Yeah.
I'd promise to avoid spoilers in my review, but since there WAS NO PLOT EVER I don't think it's really necessary. Okay, onward.
1- The book won no points with me by being full of typos. Do the editors just not care?
2- The writing is okay. Nothing exceptional, but not terrible either, and the author has a good feel for sentence structure and rhythm. The tone is appropriate for a first-person teenage narrator (although a bit on the young side for a girl who's supposedly seventeen: I'd have pegged her at closer to thirteen or fourteen at most). I have nothing against the writing style for the most part, although it becomes very very purple (especially in the notorious "sparkling" scene) and kind of lurid and overblown at times. It's not egregious for the most part.
3- The narrator, protagonist Isabella "Bella" Swan, started getting on my nerves about a chapter and a half in. She's *thisclose* to being a Mary Sue, and is dull as dishwater otherwise. She describes her own appearance in what are meant to be disparaging terms, but the description is not-so-cunningly designed to make the reader understand that she is, in fact, quite pretty, if in a "non-standard" way. Too pale, dark hair, large eyes, blah blah blah.
Bella is gifted in English and writing, detests math (but appears to be good at it), is good at biology, but lest she be too "perfect" she's given an anime-esque flaw of being a hopeless clutz. Not just a bit clumsy, no: it's a HUGE production every time. She can't walk a straight line, continually injures herself or others during gym class, and can't manage an easy hike through the woods on a flat path without getting her jeans stained and torn and her hands scraped to hell.
The beginning of the book has her returning to her childhood hometown to live with her father during her last year of high school, in a deliberate choice of martyrdom so that she can make her mother happy (the mother is off gallivanting with her latest beau, Phil). It's made clear that Bella is extraordinarily mature for her age, an "old soul" who has always taken care of her mother rather than the other way around. She immediately takes over the maternal role with her father, Charlie, as well, even though he's lived for years on his own and can probably manage just fine.
From the moment she sets foot in school, Bella makes a big impression on the local boys, who proceed to fall all over themselves trying to ask her out, which only makes her uncomfortable. She's never ever had a boyfriend, you see, because she never found anyone who was Right™.
Bella also spends a lot of time fainting and/or losing consciousness (fully or partly). More on her later, because Everything Is About Bella in this book.
4- Enter Vampires, stage right. Or possibly stage left. The Vampires don't move so much as they constantly appear seemingly out of nowhere. They are new-ish in town (have only been around for a couple of years) and thus are Strangers and Regarded With Suspicion by the small-town folk.
Blah blah blah spectacularly good-looking, intoxicating presence, mesmerizing gaze, loner types who don't mingle with other students, blah. Minorly interesting back stories, which I won't bother spoiling, for those of you who might want to read the book.
Edward is the Vampire Suitor. Not only is he incredible in every way (the way vampires are, don't you know), but he is a Soopar Extra Speshul Sparkly Vampire because he can hear people's thoughts. Oh yes. Not just a pretty face this one. This is where it gets to be All About Bella again, because she is so extra specially special that she is the one person whose thoughts he can't read, for some reason unknown to everyone except maybe the author, and I think her reason is that it makes Bella extra specially special and hasn't thought it through any more than that.
*puke*
Anyway, moving on.
5- Bella figures out that Edward is a vampire after having the information handed to her on a platter by a local Native American. He doesn't bother denying it ('cause she's so clever to have figured it out all by herself!), and decides to hell with all his clan's self-imposed rules and begins to date her. There's a lot of random reasons he gives for this decision, but it comes down to the fact that he finds her irresistible and they're Meant To Be and there's Fate involved, and blah blah blah.
Then there is LOTS OF ANGST for about two hundred pages. He can't be with her, she can't be with him, because it would be Dangerous and Wrong. They go out together anyway. There is more angst. She swoons a great deal. He is also a perfect gentleman, and RECOILS IN HORROR on the two occasions when she has the poor sense to try and add a little tongue to their kissing.
This is where the book really lost me. Edward spends an entire night in Bella's room, and NOTHING HAPPENS. They don't even kiss. Nothing. I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. It's so heavy-handed a message that it put me off. She's portrayed as a weak girl ruled by her sex drive and he's the strong man who knows The Right Way, and who guides her with a firm hand.
Add to this Cryptic Warnings from the local Friendly Natives Who Live On The Nearby Reservation (I can't make this shit up, I tell you!), sibling jealousy from the other teenage vampires, and parental worrying on both sides, and that sums up the first 70% of the novel.
6- I'm not kidding about that either. 70% of the novel is angst. No plot. I waited anxiously for a plot, any plot, to materialize. I was rewarded around page 370 of 498 pages.
Actual plot spoilers follow this
The conflict/plot is ridiculously simple. I have nothing against simple plots, but this feels as though the author made no effort whatsoever. It was insulting. Basically three bad vampires come onto the scene (unlike the "good vampires" in the book who don't feed off humans), and threaten Bella.
Blah blah blah they try to protect Bella, Bella is an idiot and tries to fix things on her own and gets her ass handed to her on a platter, and then Edward swoops in and saves her. After he saves her, he gives her a stern lecture along the lines of: "You see? You should have left things up to me the way I said. I still had to save you and now you're hurt."
Bella meekly accepts the verdict that she is a helpless maiden who should let herself be ruled by men, Edward takes her to the prom (no I'm not kidding, I SWEAR!), and we assume that they will live angstily ever after.
The end.
In short, I'm very glad that this was a quick and easy read. I lost patience with it very quickly, so if it had taken me any longer than a couple of hours to read I probably wouldn't have bothered finishing it.
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no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 02:40 pm (UTC)Someone else on my f-list posted a good one a few months ago... lemme see if I can find it. Ahh, here we go. Starts with an investigations of comparisons of the author with JKR, moves in to story dissection later - she says a lot of the same things you did, but read the other books as well because her sister made her :x
Also a link to a hilarious interview with the guy who plays Edward in the movie, also from her.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 09:19 pm (UTC)I love it when he says he thinks the author is insane. It totally works!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 03:05 pm (UTC)Maybe that's why I finished it. Looking for the plot, or the reason why everyone was squeeful. It did only take an hour and a half.
Also, because it cost something like twelve dollars. I was determined to finish it if only to justify paying the money for it. (I have since joined the library.)
Tal asked me if it was any good and I had to honestly tell him that I couldn't remember what it was about in order to give him an opinion. Read it one night, had completely forgotten it by the next morning.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 03:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 09:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 05:33 pm (UTC)Twilight was SO BAD it made me want to quit writing. Because if THAT was what people wanted to read, I never want to be read.
Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 09:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 05:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 05:24 pm (UTC)"All the fuss" being the squeeing, or the bashing? ;)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 05:35 pm (UTC)All the fuss meaning both the squeeing and the bashing. It seems a hot topic; I feel left out.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 05:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 06:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-16 12:32 am (UTC)I agree with you, but since I had it fresh in my mind it was easy enough to write a review. I doubt I'll remember much in a month or so, when the outrage has worn off. ;)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-16 12:44 am (UTC)Yeah, I may finally be learning to pick my battles at the age of 37.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 03:44 pm (UTC)Déjà l'affiche du film ne me disait rien de bon. Ça sentait la relation hétéronormative glamorifiée (pas juste hétérosexuelle, mais construite selon des normes de «moi/toi je/tu fais la fille et je/tu agis comme ça, pis moi/toi je/tu fais le gars qui je/tu agis comme ça»). Anyways, trop long pour expliquer, mais je crois que tu sais ce que je veux dire. Je ne me suis pas trop trompée, apparemment.
Ta lecture pénible m'a rappelé ton souhait de dresser une liste de 50 classiques à lire. Projet intéressant! :) J'aurais une suggestion, si tu veux. Un truc triste, avec les classiques-classiques, c'est que leur désignation comme classiques est également entachée d'un biais androcentrique et, euh, mm, «blanchocentrique» si tu me permets le néologisme maladroit. Ça pourrait donc être le fun de dresser une liste plus inclusive, qui permet du coup de s'enrichir de perspectives variées.
Je n'ai pas de telle liste à portée de la main, mais j'ai quelques suggestions:
Marguerite Yourcenar «Les Mémoires d'Hadrien»
Toni Morrison - le ou les ouvrages seraient à déterminer
James Baldwin - le ou les ouvrages à déterminer
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 08:20 pm (UTC)I would recommend Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye
and James Baldwin's Almos' a Man
In that vein, I would add Julia Alvarez's In the Time of the Butterfly
Barbara Kingsolver's Poisonwood Bible.
Margaret Atwood: The Handmaiden's Tale
Wish I could have responded in French, but I can't.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 08:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 08:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 08:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 08:58 pm (UTC)Barbara Kingsolver's Poisonwood Bible.
I did not know these autors. Cool! :)
Margaret Atwood: The Handmaiden's Tale
Loved that one! I consider it a «must read»
Wish I could have responded in French, but I can't.
You did a great job picking up what my comment was about ;)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 02:03 am (UTC)If you like Morrison's Beloved, you'll like Edgwidge Danticat's Breath, Eyes, Memory though it's a little freaky. I happen to love Isabel Allende, but her magical realism might push some over the edge.
Sorry, raging bibliophile.... probably need a support group.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 02:16 am (UTC)You, me, and probably most of our friends. :) Did I mention my father collects rare and antique books? I grew up in a house which had a room we called "the library." We had a separate living room. Yeah. "Bibliophile" doesn't begin to cover it.
I haven't yet read any Morrison or Allende, and in fact the whole magical realism crowd has never really ended up on my reading list.
I've read the Handmaid's Tale (and loved it!), the only Atwood I've ever read, for that matter.
Oh, and it's spelled "écureuil," if you were wondering. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 05:13 am (UTC)LOL, en effet ;) it's spelled «écureuil».
I guess you have a love for squirrels... and that I get a reward for figuring that out ;)
If you like Morrison's Beloved, you'll like Edgwidge Danticat's Breath, Eyes, Memory though it's a little freaky. I happen to love Isabel Allende, but her magical realism might push some over the edge.
Hm... er... I heard about Morrison, but I never read her. My book addiction is of the scholarly type. ;) But thanks for the suggestions! I might read a novel eventually ;)
Sorry, raging bibliophile.... probably need a support group.
No. no, everything is just fine... here... take this book. This is good stuff, I assure you :P
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 08:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-16 12:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 09:21 pm (UTC)Toni Morrison was already on my list. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 04:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 09:17 pm (UTC)Toni Morrison était déjà sur ma liste, mais je suis très ouverte à toutes les suggestions pour des livres, euh, "non-blancs," ou comme mon système policier le définit (qui nous fait grincer les dents à tous) "Autre Que Blanc." :P
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 05:15 pm (UTC)Sparkly vampires? Feh.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 09:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 01:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 02:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 08:15 pm (UTC)Blech. I know, I'm supposed to be happy they're reading...
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 09:18 pm (UTC)I was unoffended by the sentence structure. I guess that's all. :P
no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 09:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 11:40 pm (UTC)No plot and repetitive sentence structure? Nope. I'd have to fling the book at the wall half way through.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 02:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-14 11:18 pm (UTC)Heck, *I* feel like writing something, after that review.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 02:25 am (UTC)You've already written a good vampire book, though. What are you talking about?
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 12:53 am (UTC)To be honest, I enjoyed the book the first time I read it. Since then, I've found about 10,000 reasons why I really don't feel that way anymore. And just a forewarning, Twilight is by far the best of the bunch. The writing is okay in Twilight, it gets to the point of abysmal by Breaking Dawn.
And you've hit on just about every reason why I want to pull my hair out every time someone compares this series to Harry Potter.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 02:40 am (UTC)Yeah, this series has nothing to do with Harry Potter. It's not original in its thinking, is rife with heavy-handed morality, and offers nothing new to the YA genre.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 03:14 am (UTC)Yeah. I can see how the media/fandom frenzy is comparable at the moment, but, honestly, I don't see the Twilight series having the staying power that HP does. HP appeals to people all over the world of all ages...Twilight, not so much. Not to mention that the storyline, characters, and themes are timeless, as opposed to Twilight. You said, the morality sort of hits you over the head and, personally, I've come to find Bella's "I'll throw my own mortality and my entire life away for this gorgeous, sparkly, dazzling guy" incredibly insulting.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 03:13 am (UTC)Also, I just cannot accept sparkling vampires. I can accept beautiful vampires (I cut my teeth--so to speak--on Ann Rice's vampires, after all) but definitely not sparkly.
Also, on a more serious note, I believe that these books are warped. They have a message not only of compliance and submissiveness for women, but Edward becomes a bit emotionally abusive, controlling, and stalkerish and I don't think young girls need to be using this couple as a model of what their relationships should be like. And the way it all ends is just...fucked up. If I had a pre-teen or teen daughter, we would have some serious talks before I let her read these books.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 03:43 am (UTC)It's better than this sounds, at least.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-15 08:41 pm (UTC)The teenage girls are into this book because it features a male characters who is actually quasi-male. Meaning? All the boys their age, and even men in general, are infantalized to the point where they can't fend for themselves. If you watch sitcomes at all, you are repeatedly bashed over the head with the concept of the "big, dumb husband." I hardly endorse relationships with uneven power structures, but I can see the allure that a boy/man who takes charge has for girls who are almost expected to bear the burden of responsibility in a relationship.
See this article for more about the "big, dumb husband." While I don't follow her particular religion, I think she eloquently comments on the idea.
http://www.thefamilyhomestead.com/bigdumbhusband.htm
no subject
Date: 2008-12-16 12:41 am (UTC)I'd love to see a few real relationships of equals, for once. That's why I love the neo-Victorian mysteries. Laurie R. King, Elizabeth Peters, Carole Nelson Douglas, etc. She has strong female heroines, but their male partners are always, always a match for them. They have arguments, each thinks the other one is useless but adorable, and they have very strong, complementary partnerships. I don't mean complementary in the sense that she's all female intuition and he's all logic, either: they are always well-matched in intellect, temperament, and often physically as well.
/end rant
no subject
Date: 2008-12-16 01:13 pm (UTC)This is all in good fun: the coments that follow are sometimes full of fangirlish "OMG U ARESO HORRRIBEL 4 H8TING teh BOOK" that completely miss the point of parody.
Comics:
http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Head-Trip-Twilight-Sucks-85504254
http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Head-Trip-Breaking-Dawn-98016573
Blow-by-blow parody:
Twilight - chapter one starts here:
http://shinga.livejournal.com/478415.html
New Moon - chapter one starts here:
http://shinga.livejournal.com/579477.html
And someone made a YouTube adaptation of chapters 1 and 2 of Twilight:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_524SIimag
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgohHuSxRO8