Random noodling

[mousme]

:::Nothing to see here, move along...:::

Been thinking that there has to be more to life than this. I get up, I worry about how I'm going to pay my bills, I go to work where I wonder if I'm going to get paid or whether I'll even get work after this next contract, I go home. Sometimes I see my parents. Occasionally I'll go out with friends. Sometimes in a fit of get-up-and-go I'll make my way to the gym.

Wow. Thrilling, huh?

There has to be more to life than this. I have no passion, no real reason to get out of bed in the morning. Never have. My life doesn't really have a purpose beyond existing. I don't help other people. I'm not making the world better by living in it. I'm probably not hurting anything by existing, but neither am I helping.

Is that all that I'll be able to say at the end of my life? "Well, I never hurt anything with my life. Let me into Heaven already." :P

All my life I've chosen the path of least resistance. Whenever there was a choice to be made, I made the easy decision, the one which promoted the least conflict within myself. I deliberately chose not to make waves, not to rock the boat. And that's landed me here: mostly isolated (I still love all my friends, this isn't about you!), stuck up a creek without a paddle financially speaking, with no one and nothing that sparks any kind of vibrant passion for life, the kind that I've always craved.

I don't even know how to begin to find that passion, but it must be out there somewhere.

Comments

[coldbeer.livejournal.com]

I'm wishing for beautiful things to come your way.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

That's part of the problem, isn't it? I've been sitting on my ass all my life waiting for the beautiful things to come to me, and I'm pretty sure now that that's not how it works.

I think I have to go looking for them, and I never bothered to find out where to look. :P

Thanks for the good thoughts, though. :)

[chasingthenuns.livejournal.com]

you seem pretty passionate about gay rights and human rights in general.

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Feeling strongly about something is all very well and good, but I haven't exactly done anything about it except be indignant, have I?

Hell, I'm not even out to my mother. ^^;

If I were truly passionate about it, I should at least join some kind of organisation or movement to help promote those rights, shouldn't I?

(Note to self: look into it)

[chasingthenuns.livejournal.com]

then maybe you should. you'd be great at it! you're smart and you have insight into it. and you might really enjoy it. :) and i'm sure other people have trouble coming out to their mom's. mom's can be quite scary and yours seems to be a little off as well. don't let that stop you from doing something you might enjoy. and maybe you'll meet somebody. that would be like a bonus. now i'm ranting. but, one more thought, feeling strong about something is the start of being passionate about it.

[paganmommy.livejournal.com]

The passion is inside of you, the problem is how you choose to act on it, or not. :) Ya, look at me talk it.. LOL
I got VERY worked up about a recent National Geographic issue that had an article about modern slavery. REAL slavery, not sweat shops and such. Even in America. Got me thinking, is there a way to free them? I certain don't have the resources for over seas, but maybe there is something I can do here. Of course that will take time, but it was a spark.
Find your spark, see what you can do with it. *hugs*

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Go get a copy of Zen and the Art of Making a Living, and read through it.

Follow your bliss.

Understand that life doesn't have to be glamorous in order for it to be satisfying.

*hugs*

Remember...

[fearsclave.livejournal.com]

...how it felt the first time you guys bagged the tank? When you froze that guy from under the camo net last year?

There you go.

You just need to figure out how to have more of those moments, that's all.

Speaking of paintball, I'll be up at the shack next weekend, but was thinking that either a weeknight (dubious) or the next weekend, you & me & Ape could just head up to my dad,s place and play a little 2-on-1, do some target practice, etc. Sound feasable?

[joane.livejournal.com]

Sure - why not? I loved being involved in Queer McGill, and getting in touch with the Faygelah group already makes me feel more on-track with recovering my old activist tendencies. You're fully bilingual, so you'll have more options as far as groups go. What are you most interested in - marriage rights, adoption rights, PFLAG stuff?

[djs-specs.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you and I have a lot in common m'dear - I don't so much live as exist. So how about we make a harmless little pact? By this time next month we'll have joined something, okay?

Of course, you're welcome to tell me to stick my proposal up my left nostril :P

Re: Remember...

[mousme.livejournal.com]

*grin*

Those moments are fun and exciting, yes, but they're not going to make the world a better place, are they? I (just me, personally) am kinda feeling like I'm contributing nothing to humanity, be it even donating canned foods to the local soup kitchen.

As for paintball, yes, that would be most feasible, provided that it isn't the 31st specifically (the Sunday), because that's when joane is getting married and I'm going to her wedding come hell or high water. The Saturday or the Monday would work though (it's Labour Day weekend).

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a plan.

*spits on palm and extends hand*

Unless you Aussies have a different way of sealing pacts? ^_-

[mousme.livejournal.com]

Will keep an eye out. :)

It's not about being glamorous, it's about doing something other than worry about myself constantly. I want to do something for *others* for once, to give back to my community, or to at least one person.

The book sounds very promising indeed.

*hugs back*

[mousme.livejournal.com]

*squishie*

Thank you. :)

I need to get off my Duff and actually go and act on that spark you were talking about. That's what I'm annoyed at myself for, actually: not acting when I should. :)

[mousme.livejournal.com]

I have NO idea... I mean, yes to all of it, but I know that if I spread myself too thin it'll be just as bad. :P

I have to think long and hard about this, and do RESEARCH! Yay research! Research is good. ;)

[djs-specs.livejournal.com]

Unless you Aussies have a different way of sealing pacts? ^_-

Yeah, its called French kissing ;)

Hehehe!

*shakes Phnee's hand*

You've got a deal m'dear!

[joane.livejournal.com]

I remember seeing a few generically-activist groups in the parade... maybe pick one, meet some people, and see where it takes you? Any one person you meet will know someone who knows someone, and as long as you keep asking the question, you'll eventually find a cause/group/whatever that's the right motivating fit. :)

[mousme.livejournal.com]

*beam*

See, this is why I love my friends. You all rock. :)

'Tis indeed a v. good suggestion, and I will begin looking up groups tomorrow 'cause now I'm going to bed. ;)