Just a little bit broken

[mousme]

I think I'm going to declare tomorrow a Mental Health Day.

I've had a better November than I'm used to having, but it's been hard regardless. Also, this stupid migraine won't go away. It recedes for a while, usually around the afternoon, and then comes back in full force in the evenings. It's a good thing I've learned to keep functioning even when they hit.

So I came to my parents' apartment this evening to do my weekly round of watering the plants and watching a bit of television, and to catch up on NaNoWriMo. I only have 2,289 words to write before I hit 50,000. No problem, right? Wrong.

I got no writing done at all. I'm not worried about that. 2,000 words in three days is nothing. I'll do it tomorrow. I got 3,000-odd words written this afternoon. NaNo will be fine.

I decided to make tomorrow a Mental Health Day because the end of Cold Case Files made me sob uncontrollably for ten minutes. That's a pretty clear sign that I need some time off. For one thing, the people on that show for the most part couldn't act their way out of a wet paper bag. It just pushed all of my buttons and suddenly I wanted my mommy and she won't be home until Wednesday and it was all too much. So, yeah. Mental Health Day. I'm going to get some sleep, so a bit of writing, and sleep some more.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a bit of a mess. I hadn't realized quite how much of a mess I was until I got here. It's taking every ounce of strength just to keep smiling and to be pleasant with people. I saw five people today, and I think I ended up snapping at four of them. (*waves to friends* If I snapped, I didn't mean it...)

I'm taking everything that people say the wrong way, even when the rational part of my brain knows that whatever I think they said isn't really what they said. It's very frustrating. If a friend says "I'm feeling lonely," my brain hears "You're never here for me and you're a bad friend." If someone says "I liked what you wrote in that one piece a while back," I hear "Most of your writing sucks but I don't want to tell you so I'm picking out the one positive thing I can think of so as not to hurt your feelings." If someone says "I posted about [issue] on the board today," I hear "You're not making enough of an effort to keep up to speed."

I'd like to know where the hell I got these broken filters and whether I can get a refund.

I don't know whether to be happy or sad that November is over. Sure, the NaNoWriMo related stress will be over, but I keep wondering if NaNo isn't actually keeping me sane by preventing me from thinking of other stuff. I guess we'll find out. Stay tuned for the next thrilling instalment in this chronicle.

Comments

Please, don't take this the wrong way. Try taking it at face value.

[montecristo.livejournal.com]

• You are a wonderful person from what I have seen in this journal and in comments etc. Yes, this is just my opinion, but I will stand behind it.


• You are what you are and this is just fine with me. You don't need to be anyone else, in my opinion. You may be blue, but you're still cool.


• You have quality friends (not just tooting my own horn -- I mean besides me too, heh) and they value your qualities too.


• You have my sympathy. That's not pitty. Nobody likes to feel down, and I'd rather my friends did not have to put up with that state. Nevertheless, we all get that way occasionally.


• I hope you get inspired really well and finish your novel really soon. That will boost your sense of accomplishment which may give your mood a lift.